To have IVF without telling DH?

[catcuriosity]

Namechanged by a regular...
DH has an infertility issue, so we so began IVF about a year ago after years of TTC. The first couple of attempts weren't successful, and DH took this really badly. He was in a foul mood for weeks - very snippy with me, didn't sleep properly and probably slightly depressed.

Then we got lucky and he was obviously over the moon.

We have been talking for the last few months about having another go, and have been to see the clinic to talk about this. We still have frozen embryos, so have signed all the consent forms to defrost and transfer the embryos, and they've said to get back in touch when we want to start the treatment cycle.

Timing-wise, we are both agreed on this year but DH has said he is happy to fit it around when I would prefer, my work commitments etc. We have planned a holiday and I've told him I'd rather not be away from home in the first few weeks in case of problems. So in short, the timing is not a huge issue.

But I just cannot cope with the thought of his mood swings if it doesn't work. I coped with it better, probably because I had years and years of BFNs and therefore could reconcile it as that, where as he blames himself and thinks it is deeply unfair.

So, given all the consent forms are with the clinic, and the scans and frozen embryo transfer can be done in my lunchtimes, would IBU to go and do it without telling him? Obviously if it works, I'll come clean, but if it doesn't, I don't need to put him into a depressive state which will affect us all.

YABU, sorry.

Apart from anything else you need his support if it doesn't work.

Yabu. Children need to planned with the consent of both parents.

Your husbands reaction is quite childish though, sorry.

YABMassivelyU

He might not get so upset about it this time - now his guys have hit the target once.

Jackie0 In all honesty, he gave me zero support through our unsuccessful rounds. He was too busy blaming himself and being morose about life and everything in it. I ended up supporting him!
While I was disappointed, it was probably no worse than the disappointment of getting a BFN in the days before we knew there was a problem, so something I had 2 years practice in, if that makes sense?

I think you need to talk to him about how he plans on dealing with his emotions when you go ahead. I can understand his feeling bad but he shouldn't end up taking it out on you. You need to tell him how his moods affected you.

I think that having IVF without telling your dh is opening up a huge can of worms. I feel you both need councelling and support through this difficult period. Rather than being secretive you need to think how both of you are going to manage your emotions and get the support you need.

YABVU and please don't do it.

What happens if it isn't successful and he 'wants' to try unaware you have already used the ivf treatment? I'm guessing it is expensive and you don't have unlimited amounts of embryos or money? Surely either way you've hidden it from him and would have to come clean either way and have you thought how this will effect your husband? And the trust between you?
I get why you want to keep it quiet as it'll be less stressful and therefore probably more likely to work but if I were your husband I'd want to know.

Apatite1
We have both planned this. We have both been to the clinic, and signed all the forms. He has left the ball in my court regarding timing, because I want to fit it in as much as possible around work, hols and family, and he recognises it isn't for him to dictate the month we have the treatment.
But we are both fully in agreement about having another go in the coming months...

I can see why you would be tempted but how would he react if you use all your stored embryos and there's no pregnancy, would he not react worse having no forewarning?

Cat - I don't think people have read your OP properly. From what I can gather: you have frozen embryos, you are both in agreement to have another child (with consent forms signed by both of you) and your DH has left the timing up to you.

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about going ahead without telling him. If he was that emotional about the first time around, he might be quite glad to not have to go ahead with the whole rollercoaster of possible BFNs again. The only thing you are doing is having the treatment you've both agreed to go ahead with but just not telling him when you are having it done.

Do you think it could be worth telling him that you were seriously considering going ahead without telling him to make him realise just how extreme his reactions were last time? Perhaps it would make him think about how he could be a bit less self-involved. Or he might agree to you going ahead without letting him know exactly when if you think it would actually be better for both of you - you never know...

If it works, what will happen? He will be furious. I understand how you feel, but YABVU.

PrettyPenguin Yes, that is basically the nuts and bolts of it.

hauntedhenry If I told him we had a BFP, he would be absolutely over the moon, and of course I'll tell him what I'd done and why. He won't be crying over having missed out on a few dildocam appointments..!

Why would he be furious? He's agreed to try again and signed the forms, just left the timing up to the Op.

Op - is it worth saying you will go ahead later in the year, but he clearly found it difficult emotionally last time, so would he prefer not to know the details on timing?

YABVU, you need to tell him. If you don't fall pregnant and you've used up his sperm without telling him, he will be absolutely furious (and rightly so) and I think he will also be equally furious if he finds out you've gone behind his back.

He might have signed the consent form but it doesn't say much about your feelings toward him if you would do something so extreme without telling him first. Yes, his attitude wasn't great before but I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is for men in these situations. They blame themselves and while there is a LOT of support for women who struggle with their fertility, men don't seem to have access to the same support.

I know men who have struggled to conceive and it's just as hard for them as it is for women. They blame themselves, are angry because they feel they're letting their partners down and they're upset they can't have the children they want. Why is it not okay for him to be upset and angry? His attitude might not be perfect but it can't be an easy situation for him knowing that it's his sperm count that's causing all this in the first place.

I'm not sure people are reading the thread properly! This is not someone going behind their DH back to get pg against his will, or with someone esle's baby. They have embryos ready and waiting and he wants another child and is happy to leave the timing to OP, she is simply trying to save him some of the stress of going through with the actual process in case it's not successful.

I think YANBU, but I think you would need someone other than DH in the know, say your mum, bestie or DSis, as emotional support for you, just in case.

Good luck!

DoJo
I don't think it was in any way deliberate on his part. He was just absolutely crushed that it didn't work, and blamed himself, as the one with the problem, for putting us through it. And thought it was doubly-unfair that his 3 brothers have all fathered children without any problem, which made seeing his family a huge flashpoint for him being a bad mood.

I can't just tell him to snap out of it or hide his disappointment from me, and he isn't the sort of person who will bottle things up when he is upset

I think Peke has the right idea, sound him out.

He was just absolutely crushed that it didn't work, and blamed himself, as the one with the problem, for putting us through it. And thought it was doubly-unfair that his 3 brothers have all fathered children without any problem, which made seeing his family a huge flashpoint for him being a bad mood

I totally get that he feels guilty and crushed by this. It's sad that people in genral are more sympathetic to women who have fertility problems than to men. Men deserve just as much sympathy & understanding & sensitivity around kids.

googoodolly
I'm not using 'his sperm'. I'm using our embryos

He has signed a form to say if he dies, I can still use them. He has signed a form to give the clinic permission to defrost them whenever they think the timing is best.

I'm not underestimating how hard it is for men. I'm saying the exact opposite. It was REALLY hard. Harder on him than it was on me. So should I spare him that again, and also give myself an easier ride by knowing I don't potentially have those moods coming if I go ahead without telling him the exact timing.

I'd tell your DH you plan to do it the way you said and why. It will either make him feel like a tit for being unsupportive or he will be relieved not to have to go through the stress.

how will you feel having to go through it alone? Won't it be terribly emotionally hard on you? Will there be anybody you can have to support you? Will you have to hide it from him? Be all happy and smiley because he can't cope with this reality?
And then ultimately, whether it's successful or not, at some point you will have to tell him that you went through it by yourself and hid it from him because of his previous behaviour.
Is that going to make him feel better? Or even worse about himself? That you went through it alone rather than have to cope with him?
Has he had any infertility counselling?