To have IVF without telling DH?

[catcuriosity]

Namechanged by a regular...
DH has an infertility issue, so we so began IVF about a year ago after years of TTC. The first couple of attempts weren't successful, and DH took this really badly. He was in a foul mood for weeks - very snippy with me, didn't sleep properly and probably slightly depressed.

Then we got lucky and he was obviously over the moon.

We have been talking for the last few months about having another go, and have been to see the clinic to talk about this. We still have frozen embryos, so have signed all the consent forms to defrost and transfer the embryos, and they've said to get back in touch when we want to start the treatment cycle.

Timing-wise, we are both agreed on this year but DH has said he is happy to fit it around when I would prefer, my work commitments etc. We have planned a holiday and I've told him I'd rather not be away from home in the first few weeks in case of problems. So in short, the timing is not a huge issue.

But I just cannot cope with the thought of his mood swings if it doesn't work. I coped with it better, probably because I had years and years of BFNs and therefore could reconcile it as that, where as he blames himself and thinks it is deeply unfair.

So, given all the consent forms are with the clinic, and the scans and frozen embryo transfer can be done in my lunchtimes, would IBU to go and do it without telling him? Obviously if it works, I'll come clean, but if it doesn't, I don't need to put him into a depressive state which will affect us all.

I don't think it was in any way deliberate on his part. He was just absolutely crushed that it didn't work, and blamed himself

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest that he did, just that if he realised what a profound affect his reaction had had on you, he might actually agree that not knowing the specific dates might be best for both of you, or come up with some coping strategies to help you both deal with any disappointment if he does want to know.

sorry for the crossed wires OP if that was in response to me quoting you, I get that's what you meant, It was not you I was meaning but society in general and maybe DH own family, who are not as symathetic towards the men. I can see that you are only trying to spare him some of the pain, he took it harder as he sees it as his fault.

Sorry Phantom
It was more in response to googoodolly suggesting I didn't know how hard it was on him..!

Fenella
It won't be a drug/collection cycle, so all I'll have to do is a couple of dilcocam appointments, pee on an OPK and then go in and have the transfer, which is akin to a smear test. Obviously the two week wait is hard, but to be honest, after doing it soooo many times, I'm kind of used to it. But yes, I will be able to enlist a bestie or two (our families are miles away) to keep me sane, along with the wonderful MN conception boards

I'd tell him you plan to do it without disclosing the exact timing to him, and make sure he knows why. He'll either agree and be relieved, or hopefully will try and change his behaviour.

I'm not suggesting you don't know how hard it is for him I'm saying that if he gets enough support this time, he might not be so grumpy and irritable and you'll be able to go through this tough time together as a couple.

I think it's unfair not to tell him - yes, he's agreed you can use them, but it's his potential child too and I think he needs to be part of the whole process. Or, like PP have said, talk to him and say his moods were awful last time and would he rather not know the details? I think going ahead when he has absolutely no idea is unfair, but he might be happy not to know the specifics.

Either way, good luck.

So now not only will you be keeping it a secret from him but you'll also be sharing that secret with your friends? I'm pretty speechless that anyone would think that's an ok thing to do. The deception and lack of trust could be hard to forgive....

On a completely different point are you sure your clinic will allow you to proceed without his explicit consent? Ours wouldn't. Agreeing you can use the embryos in the event of his death is a separate issue. If he's alive he'll still need to give consent (as I understand it).

You really shouldn't do this. In fact I'd be amazed that the clinic thought it was OK.

In 'normal' circumstances, everyone has a right to decide at the point of conception, whether they want to actually create a new life.

Your DH has obviously signed the forms to say he agrees for the clinic to defrost the eggs and do the procedure, but when he did this he thought he would be involved in the process, not having it presented to him as a done deal. If I said to my husband that I wanted a baby in the next few months and he somehow inseminated me in the middle of the night without my knowledge, would that be Ok (not talking about rape here , obviously that wouldn't be ok).

As for telling your mates before him, just don't!

i think your best course is to talk to him, and explain that you want to go ahead with this, but am worried about how he feels, and suggest you go when youre ready and not tell him and see how he deals with that idea

that way you're keeping him in the loop, and youre not taking away any of his 'power' (wrong choice of words, but i cant think of a better one)

I totally understand where you're coming from and why you'd want to do it this way, but I think you can't go ahead and do it without telling him.

The more i think about this more i think this wouldn't be allowed by the clinic. Consent HAS to be given at the point of treatment....otherwise it would be possible for women to conceive children with partners who no longer consented for whatever reason i.e. after a break up etc.

Actually OP, I think you have a good case here. Most people aren't reading your posts properly. It sounds as if you think he would like you to go ahead without telling him actually (with all that stuff about him leaving the exact timing up to you - he wants to do it, but he doesn't want to be the one saying "it's happening now")

But if you do it, you'd have to tell no-one at all, surely, how would you feel about that?

Talk to him. Poor DH is obviously struggling with depression. Yes he will feel crap if it fails but how emasculated will he feel if it is a success but you went through it without him?

YABVU, it's his child too. Who will need a father.

That's a really horrible idea and seems so unnatural. Both parents should be aware of when the baby is being created whether via sex or ivf. I actually find what you are suggesting really creepy although I do understand why you are considering it.

And yes consent has been given but as we all know people can change their mind even after consent has been given.

JohnCusacks
This is the wording of the form that we have both signed:
"We consent to the thawing of our embryos which were frozen after an IVF attempt.
it has been discussed and agreed that The number of embryos thawed will be decided by the embryology and medical staff of (the clinic)."

In previous attempts, they haven't asked for another copy of the form on the day of transfer, or for him to confirm that he still wants to go ahead. We have another consent form lodged with them giving both of us consent to use the embryos if one of us dies...

Mumhum, have you read the thread?
Why won't any resulting child have a father?

But if your DH dies then he cannot change his mind, or you cannot prove either way. Right now he has a right to decided what to do.

sparechange, my point was that I think that the father should play a role in deciding whether the child is created in the first place.

mumhum
He has decided what to do.

He wants us to try and have a baby this year, but at a time which fits in around my work commitments, holiday plans and other things
How do you leap from him not minding which month we have the treatment to my child won't have a father?

I had a frozen egg transfer and from memory we did still have more forms to sign together to give permission for the defrosting process to start (as well as all the other forms) so I think your plan could fall there.

Having been through it I do understand your thought process as my DH struggled with it all too, but I think he'd have been devastated not to have been allowed to be part of the process with me that created our child.

This is the wording of the form that we have both signed:
"We consent to the thawing of our embryos which were frozen after an IVF attempt.
it has been discussed and agreed that The number of embryos thawed will be decided by the embryology and medical staff of (the clinic)."

Yes - but that surely applies to a treatment cycle starting imminently or in an agreed timeframe. It's not open ended. I'd be very surprised if you could rock up in 6 months time (without your DH) and they would still allow you to proceed on the basis on consent given so long ago.

What? Either people aren't reading OP or my ideas are completely at odds with a lot of responses.
YANBU. It may well actually have a positive impact on the process if there is less pressure all round. The only drawback I can see is that if you feel you ate lying, going behind his back it might make things difficult- I know I'd be edgy. Is there a time he is maybe away on a work trip or something to give you some space?
I don't know much about IVF but if you have to do lots of prep injections etc he might cotton on. I personally would also tell him if it doesn't work , say hey I wasn't wanting you to stress and let's have another go.
So all in all I don't think its an unreasonable idea but I can't imagine being relaxed while keeping such a massive secret, you would definitely need someone to be in on it with you.

JohnCusacksWife
The form is sat in a drawer at home, signed by both of us, witnessed by the consultant and undated because they don't have the cycle date to put in yet.

The consent form is not an issue. We've done this multiple times already and I know how their process works.

The issue is what I do or don't say to DH before making my next appointment with the clinic

Hi Op,

I'm really sorry but I'm not sure I've understood. You started IVF about a year ago and it didn't work but then you 'got lucky'. Do you mean you are pregnant now? Have a new born? Or does that mean something else?

Fair enough. I'm absolutely astounded and alarmed though that someone could sign a consent form which would then be used at an unknown date in the future when circumstances may have changed completely. It seems sloppy at best and unethical at worst.