To have IVF without telling DH?

[catcuriosity]

Namechanged by a regular...
DH has an infertility issue, so we so began IVF about a year ago after years of TTC. The first couple of attempts weren't successful, and DH took this really badly. He was in a foul mood for weeks - very snippy with me, didn't sleep properly and probably slightly depressed.

Then we got lucky and he was obviously over the moon.

We have been talking for the last few months about having another go, and have been to see the clinic to talk about this. We still have frozen embryos, so have signed all the consent forms to defrost and transfer the embryos, and they've said to get back in touch when we want to start the treatment cycle.

Timing-wise, we are both agreed on this year but DH has said he is happy to fit it around when I would prefer, my work commitments etc. We have planned a holiday and I've told him I'd rather not be away from home in the first few weeks in case of problems. So in short, the timing is not a huge issue.

But I just cannot cope with the thought of his mood swings if it doesn't work. I coped with it better, probably because I had years and years of BFNs and therefore could reconcile it as that, where as he blames himself and thinks it is deeply unfair.

So, given all the consent forms are with the clinic, and the scans and frozen embryo transfer can be done in my lunchtimes, would IBU to go and do it without telling him? Obviously if it works, I'll come clean, but if it doesn't, I don't need to put him into a depressive state which will affect us all.

If he wants to withdraw his consent at any time, he can always take it out of the drawer and shred it. I'm not hiding it from him

If it were me I would be really unhappy if my partner went ahead with something like this without involving me and to find out that they had shared with their "besties" as well would probably finish things for me. However you know your husband best and, from your posts, clearly feel that he will be quite happy to be told later then you should just go ahead.

I'd sound him out about doing it but not telling him exactly when. Try and convey some of what you've said, with you not finding it as stressful as him and you don't see the point in adding stress to the family.

i don't think that it's a good idea either.

If things work & then you tell him, he'll be delighted, but won't he also feel like shit that you didn't tell him because of his reaction last time?

I'm with JohnCusacksWife here - are you sure that's even allowed? We have a 2 year old DD and also have male infertility issues so I do understand your situation.

We have one frozen embryo and are about to start a cycle with it. DH won't be physically involved but we are not allowed to start without both of us meeting the consultant again for an initial follow-up, both of us attending an "implications counselling" session and both of us having a series of blood tests.

I would be amazed if you clinic let you go ahead without DH and I don't think you should anyway. It's one thing saying the timing is up to you, but quite a different thing for you to just go ahead and do it. He might be quite hurt/excluded by that. Good luck though. I know it is hard.

cinnamon
We had that meeting last Monday and it lasted nearly an hour. We all discussed how many they think we should defrost and put back, they asked us both for our opinion on their suggestion, and then we explained we need to fit the transfer cycle around a few things.

They printed the form, we signed, the consultant signed it as a witness, they said have a think about when we want to start and phone them on the first day of my period on the month we want to go ahead so they can book me in for my day 7 scan... They have seen that DH is very much on board with the idea of us having another go, just probably not that he will be in a very dark place if it doesn't work

Oh I see. I thought you were about to begin again on your own without having done that - sorry. I guess only you know how your DH would feel if you went alone without him, but could you not tell him you'll do it 'soon' and won't tell him exact details unless he wants to know? Because if it doesn't work, he's going to find out about that eventually anyway, so in that sense what are you actually avoiding?

I hope it does work for you whatever you decide.

During the actual treatment cycle, he was brilliant. He came to the scans, he waited on me hand and foot during the 2ww, he walked the dog so I could put my feet up.

But the second we got the BFN, he was a nightmare.
His initial reaction was fury, then he went into a massive sulk for days, flying off the handle, picking arguments etc.

He is never ever like this normally, and the thought of having arguments again is filling me with dread, so I'm sure that will have a baring on my state of mind during the 2ww

Have you told DH how you feel? If you went ahead and didn't tell him, and got a BFN, isn't there a risk that his reaction could be even worse when he found out? Perhaps you should talk to him honestly about how you feel.

Does your clinic have a counsellor? Ours does and she's free of charge. Maybe you should look into that sort of thing? I think it would be really difficult to do a 2ww without your DH knowing.

cat - I went through IVF with DW.

Under no circumstances should you do anything without DH being fully and completely involved.

My own personal experience of this (and I was completely normal as fertility goes) was of feeling very much left out of the process and DW being the focus attention to the point that it seemed to me that no one gave a monkey's whether I was the father or not. The clinic admitted to me that they knew they were at fault in being wholly female centric in their thinking. It was a very difficult time for DW of course but men have no one at all to talk to. It is not something you talk to your mates at work about either.

DW had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I thought she would die but she survived and that is why we had IVF. Still I can only imagine how much harder this is for your DH than I found it because he feels it is his fault.

The emotional pressure is enormous for both of you but you need to talk to him and reassure him that you love him and as deeply as ever regardless of whether you have a child or not. I am in no doubt at all that he will have been thinking that he is completely worthless to you and that you will not want him if you do not have a child. If you go behind his back now it will confirm that thought in his mind and likely break him in two.

Please don't.

even tho he has signed the forms etc i still think there is a element of deception by not telling him what you are doing

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If he can't cope with the highs and lows of it all then you are just sparing both of you the stress. Seems reasonable enough to me. Sounds as though he would probably prefer not to know, but probably feels he should be supporting you through the treatment (As of course he should, but if he goes to pieces at the first bit of bad news then that isn't much support to you anyway).
Whatever you decide, then I wish you the best of luck.

YABU, unethical, , and immoral.

Can't believe you even thought about doing it.

Said by someone who has had IVF. and whose partner also got arsey when it failed. Deal with it.

Sorry OP, but your logic doesn't make any sense.

You're saying you'll tell him if it works, which I can see might seem attractive.

But where the plan falls apart is if it doesn't work, and doesn't work for however many rounds it takes for the embryos to be used up.

At some point, if the worst came to the worst, you'd still have to have a conversation with him about having a failed FET or FETs. Which runs the risk of making him feel even worse than if we knew.

Also, in a really bad scenario where you had a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or any of the complications that are a bit more likely with IVF than normal, it'd be even more to explain at a stressful time.

I don't mean to sound miserable and I know its a really difficult thing to go through. But, whatever happens, if it works then you're fine, if it isn't then your husband is going to find out.

I'd speak to him, ask if he's still in agreement to try again at X time as agreed. And ask if he'd rather not know the exact timings, if it would make it easier for him.

Deceit is never a good choice in a relationship.

If you want to do it without him knowing, discuss it with him. Tell him what you told us. Say that you are concerned about his reactions and ask if it would be ok with him if you decide the best time to try and then let him know if you have a positive result.

Pretty much the same as the non-ivf way - you decide to try and let him know if it's successful. If he is in agreement, then go ahead. But don't try to second guess what he wants, just ask him.

If you were saying that he was an arse during treatment and you wanted to spare yourself the arsiness to get your head in a good place, I would be entirely on board. Done several ICSIs and FETs myself, you have to look after yourself first.

But you say the problem is only when he learns it doesn't work. So you will, perhaps as late as December (since he knows you're aiming for 2015), have to come clean that you have done it and it didn't work. You'd still have to deal with his post-failure arsiness at that stage, and possibly magnified by him having to deal with months of optimisim too.

So you're not avoiding any of it, you're just putting it off a bit. Which seems a bit odd.

I'd say to him, come on, we both know you were shit last time, are you on board with me only telling you once there's something to tell you? If he says no, he wants to know, well they are his embryos too, and maybe the quiet word will be enough to rein him in when he would otherwise be inclined to pout.

I suppose my plan hinges on the fact we've got enough frozen embryos for 2, possibly 3 more goes, and my law of averages side says that will be enough to get us a BFP.
And even if it doesn't, I still only have to deal with 1 period of sulking and moping, rather than 3.

Thanks everyone for your input. I think there is a 60/40 split between reasonable and not (I'm discounting those who clearly hadn't read my OP!)

I need to put my plan to him and see how he reacts. I suspect he is going to be a 'gentleman' about the whole thing and offer his support and say he wants to be there for me throughout and be a part of it. But in all honesty, if I get even a hint that he won't go mad if he finds out after the event, I think that is what I'll do...

And actually, I've just realised that my plan does fall apart, because the consent form is only good for one round, so wouldn't work for round 2 or 3 if the first one didn't work.

I think with out fresh embies they check both our names at ET.
Yanbu. He was aware of the pt of conception, just not of the transfer.
If i could do the process without really being aware i would like that i think as i get quite stressed.

You could try telling him you want to do it under your own steam and just let him know of any BFPs, get him to sign any forms in advance but not tell him which cycles you're going for.

But this time round he has a DC plus you are using fertilised embryos, so if they fail it is not his 'fault'.

A lot of people just didn't read your posts properly, and jumped in with their preconceived ideas on the subject.

I think you should perhaps have a conversation with him and say - we've agreed that I'll be the one to decide when the implantation happens. Do you want me to tell you before the appointment, or would you rather not know the exact time it's happening.

Just talk to him.
It's not a good idea to make decisions for him. His is your partner, not your child.