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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of hearing about this by now

53 replies

tulipspinkdaisieswhite · 25/03/2015 16:46

In December DH went out with some friends and had an argument with someone's wife. Admittedly she was out of order in what she said.

However he is STILL going on about it - not just mentioning it but getting angry all over again every time. Keeps muttering about it and crying, reliving it and then angry all over again. He just constantly talks about it and honestly I'm sympathetic but I'm fucking sick of it!

Aibu?

OP posts:
Icimoi · 25/03/2015 16:48

Of course YANBU. I take it you've tried to suggest he really needs to get over it and move on. What does he say?

Salmotrutta · 25/03/2015 16:48

He cries about it?

Was it something very hurtful? Because something like that would eat away at me too!

CrystalCove · 25/03/2015 16:49

Is anything else going on for him just now that's making him anxious?

SoonToBeMrsB · 25/03/2015 16:49

What on earth was the argument about?! It must have been a big one if he's crying about it months later?

lemonyone · 25/03/2015 16:50

I am a 'dweller'.
I can ruminate on things forever and it's not bloody healthy. One thing I have found helpful in putting things to bed is writing about it. If I'm pissed off with something in the news, I write to the newspaper and get a letter printed, or to the council.

If it's something incredibly petty I write a blog. No one sees it particularly, but once it's out there I feel like I've had a catharsis. Or putting something here on Mumsnet might help (perhaps not as an AIBU, because that will make him obsess even more!) if he can't/won't approach the person directly.

Would writing it down somewhere help?
Or speaking to this friends wife?

steff13 · 25/03/2015 16:56

I dwell on things, too. I usually am able to get over them after a couple of weeks, though. Does he need to talk to someone (other than you) about it? I don't know what was said, but it must have been pretty awful to make him cry and get agry months later.

FenellaFellorick · 25/03/2015 17:00

why is he still angry? What does he want to do?
What is it about this particular argument that has left him still raging?

For him to be crying over it, it must have been some argument but at this point he needs to find a way to put it in the past.

lemonyone · 25/03/2015 17:02

Yes, can you give us an idea as to what the argument was about? If there was no nice resolution and it was very personal I actually can understand still being upset months later.

Original poster
tulipspinkdaisieswhite · 25/03/2015 17:18

Well - concerned about being outed but FIL died in July.

There is a history of animosity between DH and this lady and she said something like 'we all supported you over your dads death and went to the funeral even though we had better things to do, it was actually my birthday that day.'

OP posts:
steff13 · 25/03/2015 17:24

I can see why he'd be hurt. Her comment is fairly horrid, but on top of that it makes it sound like all of his friends feel the same way as she does.

This would be enough for me to avoid spending time with her anymore, but I don't know if I would still be so hurt and angry.

FenellaFellorick · 25/03/2015 17:28

bloody hell. That was a vile thing to say. No wonder it upset him so much.

Ultimately though, he's got to, I don't want to say get over it, but find a way to not be so affected by it to the point where he's ranting and crying.

do you think that actually it's not really about her, but about his grief?

lemonyone · 25/03/2015 17:29

That comment was utterly shitty.
He is crying about his dad, isn't he? Her comment must make him feel like his dad, and him, were worthless.

I'm not surprised he's dwelling on it. It's a dwell-able comment and well beyond 'your haircut is a bit wanky'.

And as steff13 pointed out, she managed to make it sound like the world and his wife felt that was as well.
Personally, if it were my DH I would be considering calling her up and having a chat with her about it.

iklboo · 25/03/2015 17:30

Is he still vulnerable over his dad's death & this is just one more thing adding to his thoughts?

Tizwailor · 25/03/2015 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Momagain1 · 25/03/2015 17:31

wow. An definitive case of absolutely classic 'with friends like her, who needs enemies?' And all wrapped up with the heartache of losing his dad.

He needs to hear from others who really grieve for/with him over the death of his father. And he needs to be as no contact with her as possible. And he needs some therapy.

Poor guy. And poor you.

steff13 · 25/03/2015 17:33

Has she apologized? What does his friend say about this, the one who's married to her?

partialderivative · 25/03/2015 17:34

Awful comment!

You may be 'sick of it', but if you love him you will continue to support him

Only1scoop · 25/03/2015 17:37

What an awful thing to hear from a 'friend'

Eventually I hope he doesn't hold her in such a high regard and realises what a mean spirited individual she is.

EquinoxEclipse · 25/03/2015 17:43

Ah well, given the subject matter, u can totally see why he's still upset. It's really about what she said, is it? He's using that situation to grieve. Poor bloke. And what a cow she is Angry

KurriKurri · 25/03/2015 17:44

I guess he is dwelling on it because he hasn't found closure to the situation. I presume she hasn't apologised, he is probably upset because she can't understand how nasty and hurtful that comment was.

I am in a sort of comparable situationmyself - found it very hard to move on after X ended our marriage and was vrey hurtful, because he showed no remorse or understanding of how he had hurt me. I have dealt with it by accepting that you cannot expect reasonable behaviour from unreasonable people. Once you realise you will never get anapology or any kind of remorse it allows you to put things behind you.

Its not just what this woman said - it is all tied in with his grief at losing his dad - innapropriate and cruel things by people at difficult times do tend to linger in the mind. I still remember with a shudder something said to me by some awful woman when my brother died 30 years ago (it was similar dismissive comment like the one made to your DH) - I have moved on but it still makes me angry if I think about it - because it was disrespectful to my family and my brother's memory, I imagine all these types of thoughts are going through your DH;s head maybe talking about it is heping him get it out of his system. It's less than a year since his Dad died - he will still be feeling very raw.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/03/2015 17:44

He is not being unreasonable to be upset over this.
Why is it still an issue?
Has she apologised?
Do you still see her?

EquinoxEclipse · 25/03/2015 17:45

I meant I can see why he's still upset. Bastard phone.

But you must help him, you know. It's not even a year since it happened. But I do appreciate how it must be pissing you off Flowers

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/03/2015 17:52

No ynbu. Yes things to get monotonus in the end. You don't want to be listening to someone no matter how much you've them going on about the sAmething continuously for months, And that's not being unsupportive. That's just life. It must hAve really affected him to be so upset about it 3 months later

Original poster
tulipspinkdaisieswhite · 25/03/2015 18:00

I think it's frustrating as his relationship with these friends has been strained for some time. The lady he fell out with is the sister of someone who hates dH so bad blood all round.

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 25/03/2015 18:00

That is a horrible comment, I can see why he was so upset. I'd guess it's also tied in to his grief about losing his dad too, maybe he's focussing on that comment because he finds it easier than talking about the sense of loss?

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