To be sick of hearing about this by now

[tulipspinkdaisieswhite]

In December DH went out with some friends and had an argument with someone's wife. Admittedly she was out of order in what she said.

However he is STILL going on about it - not just mentioning it but getting angry all over again every time. Keeps muttering about it and crying, reliving it and then angry all over again. He just constantly talks about it and honestly I'm sympathetic but I'm fucking sick of it!

Aibu?

That is a really horrible thing for this woman to have said!

It's very dismissive of his fathers death and his grief - makes it sound like she attended the funeral with very bad grace and saw it as a massive inconvenience.

She sounds very self- centred and I am not at all surprised your DH is still upset - he is still grieving after all and that must have been like a kick in the teeth

OP, you say DH's relationship with the whole group of friends has been strained for some time. Is it something he's been doing? Not wanting to victim-blame here.

A tack with your DH might be to ask him what he would like to happen, what would make the situation better. He might want something he'll be unlikely to get, but at least it obliges him to think of a way out and articulate it. If he says nothing can make it better, then professional counselling may be the thing.

I've tried the what would make it better at work, and it sorts out the moaners from those who want things to get better. Not saying your DH is a moaner. He sounds as if he's in profound distress.

Having recently lost my dad I can totally see why he's so upset. That's a horrendous thing to say to someone who's recently lost a parent. If that had been said to me that person and anyone who backed them would be out of my life for good.

Echt - in all honesty yes, it is largely six of one and half a dozen of the other.

'John' is married to 'Kate' and DH once made an inappropriate comment to 'Kate.' The lady who had a go at him at Christmas is 'Kate's' sister.

I would probably be more sympathetic if he didn't have years of back stories with these friends.

Ah, I can see why your thread title reads as it does. I'd thought it a bit harsh at first.

In that case I'd try the what would make this better.

What was his 'inappropriate comment'?

Well, I obviously don't want to repeat it as it would identify all of us; however I don't know why you are pulling the face. Do you doubt my story, or is there some other reason?

You don't want to repeat it but you'll repeat what the lady said to your DH?

I don't doubt your story, I am just wondering what your DH has said/done as it may explain why someone was so outlandishly rude to him.

Well, put it this way: it wasn't outlandish but was tactless /inappropriate :)

What do you mean by inappropriate though? Sexually inappropriate?

I have not read the whole thread, but your initial post and some of the comments, with my amateur psychologist's head on (meaning GUESSING) he is still upset about his dad's death and is not able to distance himself from this friend.

In your shoes I would be included to encourage him to speak to a bereavement charity www.cruse.org.uk/ and to talk to someone unrelated to all this to get some perspective.

I do wonder if he may be depressed as he is crying about a comment made some time ago. In his shoes I may chat to my GP about this.

I am sure it is very frustrating for him, and you, but better for you to get him some support so he can move on rather than go round in circles together.

I have read most of it, I should say, sorry!

inclined not included

i had a friend say something really inappropriate about my brothers death 4 years ago. i still hold it against her.

I wonder if holding those words against the person brings comfort or is destructive?

Forgiveness does not absolve the other person of responsibility for what is done but it frees the person extending forgiveness.

Of course it is much harder for some things than for others. But for comments, made a while ago, I do feel it is better to let those things go (IMHO). It doesn't mean that the comments or person do not matter, it means you are going to rise above it and release the anger.

theforgivenessproject.com/

Italian - he's never really been friends with the lady in question! But because she's married to one of his friends, it's making the whole thing very awkward.

Puds - no.

I think he needs to call her up or ask to meet for a coffee

That wouldn't be appropriate - they aren't friends and never have been.

OP please be patient with your DH and give him a big hug next time you see him - what this total twat woman said to him was totally disgustingly out of order. Sounds like he is grieving for his dad and she's lumped on a side order of spite as well as everything else hes feeling.

If this was my DH I'd be saying something to this woman and supporting him, but then I am like a rottweiler when it comes to being protective of my dh.. I don't think YABU to be sick of hearing about it because it must be frustrating but his feelings are entirely valid..

I did say something when it first happened but obviously that was over 3 months ago. She did apologise and said she hadn't meant it like that - that he had accused them of not being supportive and she had said the above as a response to that. I don't know, I guess the truth is between the two versions.

Could it perhaps be time he found different friends?

It's not supposed to be strained, stressful, upsetting or difficult to hang out with friends and if it is, it's generally because it's time to move on.

We can often cling on to friendships out of habit or fear, even when they just aren't working any more.

Definitely Fenella. It's frustrating as he keeps saying he hates them, won't see them again - but then gets upset.

I do understand they go back a long way but things changed as people got married and had dc's.

It sounds like there's a lot of complicated history here and your DH isn't totally blameless.

I think Fenella is right, he needs to think about stepping back and finding other friends.

His grief is also exacerbating it all and that should subside with time.

tulipspinkdaisieswhite I was half replying to cleanmyhouse really but for your DH too, OP, it's not about being friends but about not letting the hurt continue to contaminate your peace of mind. If you want your dh to let this go, rather than simply forgetting it (which he seems unable to do) maybe he needs to forgive her, and move on. He doesn't even need to tell her, it's a personal act of saying that that person won't be able to hurt you any more because you don't hold onto the hurt from the past. But of course if he is coming into contact with her through her husband then she has lots of new chances to be hurtful, so it is hard.

Do you think he's upset because he doesn't like the thought of someone bringing his dad into a personal beef with him? It is very cruel to have implied that they thought so little of his dad that they wouldn't have bothered going to his funeral, especially if his father thought they were friends, so could that be the aspect that has got to him about this particular row.