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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with DP for nearly suffocating our baby?

90 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:42

Our baby is 3 months old. We also have a 2 yo who's being assessed for ASD and is up anywhere up to 20 times a night. Our 7 yo sleep walks/talks and has night terrors 4/5 times per week. DP sleeps through all the goings on in the night and wakes up completely oblivious asking if the kids and I slept well.

On Saturday he fell asleep at 9pm, despite not having got up til 10am and slept until 8 yesterday morning. Itook the older two for a bath at 7 last night and when I came down to get something ten mins later he was asleep holding the baby and she wasaasleep with her face squashed into the pillows. Last week I came in just in time to stop her rolling off him when he fell asleep at 8pm.

He has no health problems and would quite happily/easily stay awake if sex was on the agenda so falling asleep with the baby - when he has no reason to be tired - makes me furious. His response last night was to apologise and say he'll give me the baby to take with me to bath the others if he feels tired next time...!

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 23/03/2015 13:45

WTF???? Give him some information about cot death.

You speak to anyone work in A&E or as a paramedic, many cases of SIDS are from the baby falling on pillows / getting squashed on the settee.

I have already told OH he is not to fall asleep with baby and he is not even born yet!

He should have had the moses basket at hand or put baby to bed.

YANBU - i'd be more than fucking livid.

Quitelikely · 23/03/2015 13:46

I would be furious about the incident you have described but more than that I would be furious about the whole set up!

I think it's a tad harsh that you are taking responsibility for all these night wakings. Gosh you must be shattered!

I can only assume it's a set up you have previously both agreed on

not sure I could do it!

Jackieharris · 23/03/2015 13:46

Why is he needing do much sleep?

Does he need 11 hours regularly?

What is his normal sleep pattern?

Is he a shift worker?

StockingFullOfCoal · 23/03/2015 13:46

Yet again, SIDS is not the same thing as a baby suffocating on a pillow or a sofa.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 13:47

Awful

Baby needs to be sleeping somewhere safe at all times.

He sounds like he needs to pull his finger out.

Dinnerfor1 · 23/03/2015 13:48

YANBU

Why do you have to deal with all the wake ups? Does he just sleep through it all, or does he think it's your job? It seems massively unfair and not something I would accept!

Chillyegg · 23/03/2015 13:49

......fucking hell id be fuming! Could your HV or someone give your DH a very brutal talk about the health risks?

Also i do hope you replied just because he hasn't learnt the necessary skills YET doesn't excuse him from his responsibilities.

coconutpie · 23/03/2015 13:49

YANBU. I agree with the previous posters, I would be more than fucking livid. He has let this happen now twice in the last week, you say? What a stupid careless idiot. One of the main causes of SIDS is from a parent falling asleep with the baby on the sofa or chair!

houseofnerds · 23/03/2015 13:49

Get him to bath the other two. Simples. It's just because he's sitting around doing nothing. If he gets up and does the bathing and the putting to bed routine, all good.

And knee him awake in the night and say 'your turn'. A swift punch to the kidneys at the appropriate moment should do the trick.

He needs to step up, and you are enabling his sleep habits and lack of parenting.

funambulist · 23/03/2015 13:50

When DC2 was born my DH became responsible for DC1 if he woke in the night and in the evenings and weekends when he wasn't at work.

When DC3 was born then DH took over any nighttime waking for DC1 and DC2.

You have more than enough to do looking after a small baby night and day. Your DH should be taking on responsibility for the care of your other children as far as possible. Plus a 2 and 7 year old are a bit more robust than a little baby and far less likely to be quiet enough for him to fall asleep!

FenellaFellorick · 23/03/2015 13:50

of course you aren't unreasonable, how could you be?!

It's a cop out for him to say you take the baby. I can see that'll quickly turn into muggins doing everything cost he's too tired.

there are other solutions - one of those rocker seats, for example.

If he doesn't see that he could have injured or killed his child there is something seriously wrong with him. Any normal person would have shit themselves to realise they'd nearly suffocated their child.

houseofnerds · 23/03/2015 13:51

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 13:54

You must be shattered. Did you post recently about your dh waking everyone up to go to the gym?

pilates · 23/03/2015 13:55

Almond, you must be exhausted.

You need to have a serious talk with DP, he needs to step up and start helping you out more. He is having a full night's sleep, why the heck is he falling asleep? Seriously, I feel really annoyed on your behalf.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 23/03/2015 13:58

Solution to this is he baths the older 2 while you rest with the baby. Is there a reason he doesn't take responsibility for this? Does he have a medical issue? That is a lot of sleep for any healthy adult to have!

YADNBU.

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 14:09

The 2 yo will only accept me because of her additional needs so bath and night wakings have to be done by me.

When baby was about a month old I was laying in bed to feed her and DP had just got in to bed. The two yo woke up so I left baby in bed with DP as she was asleep. When I returned from sorting 2 yo he'd turned over and gone to sleep with covers over some of babys face!

I co-sleep with baby on my side (we have a super kingsize bed) because she stays asleep better that way when 2 yo wakes but then I'll get back in bed after sorting 2 yo and after managing to keep baby asleep and just close my eyes only for him to do a huge turn over waking the baby

OP posts:

funambulist · 23/03/2015 14:19

You poor thing. You must be exhausted. Does your DH need to do more with your 2 year old so that she gets more used to him doing things? Eg you both do bath and night wakings for her for a while and then gradually ease into DH doing it?

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 14:19

I personally wouldn't co sleep but certainly not in the same bed as your dp. I wouldn't leave baby in bed with him again.

Op you must be exhausted. I think you need to sit down together and get some routine sorted whereby he can do his share in caring for his dc.

NancyRaygun · 23/03/2015 14:26

He baths the other two. You look after the baby.

He sleeps on the floor in the room with the 2 year old. You look after the baby.

Until you all start getting a reasonable amount of sleep not just him?

I would feel so alone and wretched in your position OP. To not be able to rely on your own partner is just rally shit. Could he move out while you move someone who might actually give a shit about help you and your baby move in? A friend? Or mum?

NancyRaygun · 23/03/2015 14:27

Really not rally shit. Although rally shit is what I call ham that is not naice!

dietcokeandwine · 23/03/2015 14:31

Yes OP I would be furious with him for the sleeping on the sofa thing but I'd be furious with him about the whole set up.

We also have 3 DC, I'm SAHM, DH works long hours but he has always, always, always done his fair share of the night wakings. If we're having a bad night then we alternate who gets up.

I think you need to encourage more reliance on your DH and less reliance on you for your 2yo, in all honesty. (My eldest has SEN so I do appreciate this will not be easy but for your long-term sanity, you need to break that level of one-person dependence). At the very least he needs to be sorting out the eldest when the night terrors kick in. Can you not both do bathtime for a while so that the 2yo becomes more accustomed to daddy's presence there?

Finally are you sure DH has no health issues? I'd be tempted to suggest a trip to the doctor for a blood test to check iron levels.

If there really are no health issues then he is being an arse and from the weary tone of your post I suspect his crappy attitude has been going on for about as long as you've had DC. So the real question is, not are you BU about the sleeping on the sofa thing (of course you're not, he just can't do that, he really really can't) but how badly do you want your situation to change?

goodasitgets · 23/03/2015 14:32

You can tell him how I heard two parents desperately trying to resuscitate their baby after one exhausted parent fell asleep on the sofa with baby
And how on the recording you can hear me sobbing at the end. I can't ever forget that, it's stuck in my brain

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 14:33

Good

That is awful

holeinmyheart · 23/03/2015 14:43

I have never forgotten one of my DCs ringing up having come off a shift in A&E. The whole team had tried to save a baby who had been rolled upon in a bed by a sleeping adult. Unfortunately the baby died. My DS said everyone was very upset. He was really miserable and wanted to tell his Mum, me.
I felt very sorry for the parents, as my son said they were absolutely distraught and also for him as a DR who had been unable to save the poor little thing.
It is a crazy thing to do, please don't do it. Put another bed besides yours or at least a cot with one side down.
I feel really worried about your post.

qazxc · 23/03/2015 14:49

Yanbu. Can he go and sleep somewhere else? Can he take over the wakings of the eldest?

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