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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with DP for nearly suffocating our baby?

90 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:42

Our baby is 3 months old. We also have a 2 yo who's being assessed for ASD and is up anywhere up to 20 times a night. Our 7 yo sleep walks/talks and has night terrors 4/5 times per week. DP sleeps through all the goings on in the night and wakes up completely oblivious asking if the kids and I slept well.

On Saturday he fell asleep at 9pm, despite not having got up til 10am and slept until 8 yesterday morning. Itook the older two for a bath at 7 last night and when I came down to get something ten mins later he was asleep holding the baby and she wasaasleep with her face squashed into the pillows. Last week I came in just in time to stop her rolling off him when he fell asleep at 8pm.

He has no health problems and would quite happily/easily stay awake if sex was on the agenda so falling asleep with the baby - when he has no reason to be tired - makes me furious. His response last night was to apologise and say he'll give me the baby to take with me to bath the others if he feels tired next time...!

OP posts:
girliefriend · 23/03/2015 17:52

Nothing much to add as pp have said most of what I would say!

It is because of these risks that I would never co-sleep, the fact that you are so sleep deprived (up 20 times a night Shock) must increase the risks as well.

Personally I would have the baby in a cot next to your bed and I would be sharing the night wakings with your dh, its not up to the 2 yo to decide that ASD or not imo.

StarlingMurmuration · 23/03/2015 17:59

I really don't understand how anyone can cope with 20 wakings a night. I have a four month old and I feel like a zombie if he wakes us more than once a night, and my DP does half the night wakings too. I think there must be something wrong with me.

OP, your DP is a selfish dickhead if he hasn't it an undisguised illness or isn't on medication that makes him sleepy.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 18:20

starling you are exactly the same as me. Any night waking at all makes me feel like utter shit.

I think something has to change for you Op or your health is going to suffer badly.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 18:22

I can't see how 20 wakings leaves any time to sleep at all.

I had a baby who was up practically all night as dd had a heart defect and needed to feed almost constantly before her first op. I had fainting episodes and have memory blanks of that time. Thankfully she was my first. Does that sound familiar?

Ineedacleaningfairy · 23/03/2015 18:49

Has your husband tried to take over the nights? It doesn't sound like your 2 year old is settled even when you do the nights as they wake up 20 times... Would it make any difference if your dp did the night wake ups?

CycleChic · 23/03/2015 18:56

Expat, by "sort" I was thinking "turf", but didn't want to up and say LTB. You've said that "he needs to bathe the older two and do his fair share of caring including nights"- any suggestions on how that's going to happen without the OP doing anything, since you keep implying that she shouldn't take on any more?

nocoolnamesleft · 23/03/2015 19:05

Dear dad of BabyAlmond

Please stop risking suffocating your baby.

I hate having to tell parents that there was nothing to do, because their baby is dead. And I really hate then having to explain about how by law the police will be involved, and they'll be going out to the house, and the coroner will insist on a post mortem, and no we can't take out the tubes and lines for the last cuddle, because the coroner says they have to stay in. I hate having people begging me that there must be something else we can do. I hate going on to the next patient, whose family is slagging us off for having kept them waiting. I hate not being able to sleep that night, because I see the baby's dead face every time I close my eyes. But you know what, that's a hell of a lot better than being the poor sod of a parent. because their life is destroyed.

You wouldn't take your baby in the car without a carseat, would you? Same thing, be safe.

Yours very very sincerely

A paediatrician

catkind · 23/03/2015 19:13

The DP has shown he can't stay awake or even stay still when asleep. I think he should be offering to sleep on the sofa. And yes, parenting up and getting to a position where he CAN deal with the older children.

And OP, what are you doing with the covers and pillows that they're ending up anywhere near baby? Is this your DP moving things around? When I was cosleeping with a baby, if I wasn't in the bed the duvet and pillows would be at least a metre away from baby, not close enough baby could ever get mixed up in them. When I was in bed the duvet would be tucked round my legs still way away from baby, and I'd wear an extra top to keep my top half warm. You and your DP could do something like this, though you might still feel safer if your DP was elsewhere given his history of rolling around and failing to wake.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 19:18

Very true, nocool. My daughter died of cancer when she was 9. There was nothing anyone could do. And still, I am racked with guilt. My life is ruined. Totally unavoidable, but it's destroyed. This person doesn't care. Sorry, but that's the upshot. I have depression, PTSD, anxiety as a result of what I had to see my child go through, but it is not an excuse to just shirk out of parenting.

If this is the gym guy, he needs to leave. You would be better off without him because right now, he's even worse than useless: he's dangerous.

straighttothepoint · 23/03/2015 19:23

You need to rethink sleeping habits for everyone as it is not sustainable, you sound so exhausted you could easily suffocate your baby as much as your partner. Please seek help to sort this out. Your dh is a tosser by the way.

SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 23/03/2015 19:45

Short Term: You need a bedside cot for the bedroom, so that the baby will be in own space when you get up to the toddler.. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/products/789081-Cheapest-Co-sleeping-cot
www.madeformums.com/reviews-and-shopping/6-of-the-best-co-sleeper-cots-and-cribs-for-safe-sleeping/29400.html

I suggest your partner pays for it.

Long Term: your partner needs to cop-on. Falling asleep on a settee with a baby is one of the most dangerous things you can do.

littlejohnnydory · 23/03/2015 19:47

He needs to deal with the older ones in the night. Your asd two year old will never accept anyone else if she is given the option of insisting it's you. She's going to have to accept a substitute caregiver one day so better sooner than later.

Your co-sleeping arrangement sounds safe to me, assuming you're breastfeeding and baby is on your side, never in the middle. Much safer than falling asleep whilst feeding sitting up, which would be bound to happen whe you're so exhausted.

Another alternative - would two year old sleep through if with you? If so, kick dh out of the bed and get the two year old in there on his side, make sure you're in between toddler and baby at all times and get a bit more sleep. Sleep is your priority at the moment, as is getting it through to dh just how serious this situation is.

MinceSpy · 23/03/2015 20:22

OP your DD doesn't have to be dealt with just by you, it will be tough but she can learn to accept her father. What would happen if you were unwell?

Your DH is oversleeping and it simply isn't fair. The baby needs to go into a cot, co-sleeping isn't safe in your circumstances. DH also needs a sharp poke to get up and deal with his children.

rumbleinthrjungle · 23/03/2015 21:44

OP is getting DH in another bed a way to make co sleeping with the baby safer? And has your HV been any help? They might be able to refer you to Sleep Solutions to get you some support with the 2yr old as well as have a very firm word with DH? And get on your GPs radar that you're horrendously sleep deprived.

The baby needs to go into a secure seat or cot whenever you're busy with the other children, I wouldn't leave the baby alone with DH again if he's sitting down or you haven't got an eye on him. The possible consequences don't bear thinking about if you've seen 3 near misses and he's not that bothered by it. That bit is the most worrying. You simply can't trust him.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 21:48

Amy, I'm going to repeat what I said on your other thread (in part) - please don't split your concerns into lots of different threads where you don't tell the full story.

You won't get the best advice that way.

I am really worried about you and your kids otherwise I would just leave you to it.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 23/03/2015 21:54

What a dangerous idiot!

Seriously wtf do you get out of being with this guy?

Takedeux · 23/03/2015 21:55

About the night terrors OP. Does your affected DC have 100% cotton bedding? It is often caused by overheating, and cotton bed linen is much more breathable than a blend. Definitely worth a try if you haven't already

nocoolnamesleft · 23/03/2015 21:57

Expat Flowers

TheSingingMonkey · 23/03/2015 22:12

It's the same OP whose DH goes to the gym at 5am everyday and wakes the DC up and does sod all with them on the weekend.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 23/03/2015 22:18

Your DH is a twunt. You need to have words as this can't carryon. If not for you, for your baby and your kids. You need more sleep to function.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 23/03/2015 22:22

Dissapointedone- locally a child died due to sleeping on mums chest. How you can state categorically co sleeping is fine and safe is beyond me.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2015 22:27

OP, your husband needs to leave

That is all

Northernlurker · 23/03/2015 22:41

This thread isn't really about co sleeping. As parents we should inform ourselves and then accept which risks we choose to take and which we avoid. I co slept with two dc. I think it was reasonably safe and worked for us. Dh worried about squashing them but I knew I curled round them and he found himself sitting bolt upright in bed one night. He realised he had come in to contact with the baby and it woke him straight up. As others have said this is how a lot of the world does this and it works for a lot of reasons, the primary one being engagement with the baby. Parents who are using drink or drugs have that engagement blunted by the substances they've taken. But that's the problem here as well - this man doesn't seem engaged with his kids at all and that's what makes this unsafe.
Op - I'm sure this is difficult for you but get this man out of your bed tonight and think about getting him out of the house tomorrow. You'll be better off and safer without him.

Northernlurker · 23/03/2015 22:43

Sorry I meant to add - my last baby was born 8 years ago and the advice and research has moved on a bit since then. If I was doing it now I would buy a dropsided bedside cot or crib whilst still enjoying the benefits of co-sleeping.

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 22:48

"Dissapointedone- locally a child died due to sleeping on mums chest. How you can state categorically co sleeping is fine and safe is beyond me."

Such deaths are truly tragic. But (thankfully) exceptionally rare.

My uncle drove into a cow and broke his back. Doesn't make every cow a killer.