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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with DP for nearly suffocating our baby?

90 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:42

Our baby is 3 months old. We also have a 2 yo who's being assessed for ASD and is up anywhere up to 20 times a night. Our 7 yo sleep walks/talks and has night terrors 4/5 times per week. DP sleeps through all the goings on in the night and wakes up completely oblivious asking if the kids and I slept well.

On Saturday he fell asleep at 9pm, despite not having got up til 10am and slept until 8 yesterday morning. Itook the older two for a bath at 7 last night and when I came down to get something ten mins later he was asleep holding the baby and she wasaasleep with her face squashed into the pillows. Last week I came in just in time to stop her rolling off him when he fell asleep at 8pm.

He has no health problems and would quite happily/easily stay awake if sex was on the agenda so falling asleep with the baby - when he has no reason to be tired - makes me furious. His response last night was to apologise and say he'll give me the baby to take with me to bath the others if he feels tired next time...!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 14:50

I have a mate whose husband suffocated their 3-month-old baby to death.

But you know what, the real problem is your partner is a glorified sperm donor.

My son has ASD. Children with this condition are able to go with different carers.

He needs to bathe the older two and do his fair share of caring including nights.

pillowaddict · 23/03/2015 14:51

OP you say your 2 year old won't accept anyone else but god forbid you make yourself ill be doing everything or have an accident that means you can't care for them, what would happen then? Your dp needs to get involved to build a relationship so he can step up and help. Begin immediately By having him sit in on bath time with you, gradually stepping back and letting him do playtime/shampoo/hair rinse/lifting out/drying etc until you are only popping your head in and eventually he is doing it himself - if you bathe every night this shouldn't take long. This also means in the very short term he won't endanger the baby.
If he complains explain you'd rather 'babysit' him along with the baby to avoid a fatal accident. See if that makes him take notice of how ridiculously selfish and careless he is being!

NeedABumChange · 23/03/2015 15:14

Has he always been like this? It really doesn't seem at all normal to sleep so much as an adult. He's obviously not doing it on purpose- no one wants to hurt their baby. I'd be worried about his health. Some brain conditions make you sleep a lot.

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 15:18

Co-sleeping is perfectly safe if some simple guidelines are followed.

MsJudgementalPants · 23/03/2015 15:23

He's a selfish arse. My Ds was exactly the same at 2, it was horrendous. Your husband really needs to sort himself out and you are going to have to be very assertive about what you expect from him.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 15:23

The thought of co sleeping with a tiny baby sends chills down my spine to be honest. After reading some of these replies even more so.

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 15:30

We did it without problems. More people around the world cosleep than don't. We have very odd ideas about babies in the west.

DD slept on my chest for 4 months, and then between DH and I for many more months (super king bed). She's now 4 and she still does sometimes. Came in very handy this weekend when the 3 of us needed to share one double bed.

LisaMed · 23/03/2015 15:34

The net result is that he won't have to look after the baby, isn't it.

His solution to the risk to the baby is for him not to look after it.

I wish I had an easy answer to this. I hope it all works out and he comes to his senses.

knittingdad · 23/03/2015 15:39

Send him to the Dr to see if he has an undiagnosed health problem. Falling asleep like that doesn't sound like laziness to me, I don't think it would even be possible if one wasn't tired, or didn't have a health issue. Diabetes is one possibility, but there are others too.

Eliza22 · 23/03/2015 15:40

Please don't sleep with baby in your bed, no matter the "king size +" aspect. My son has asd and I know how hard it was for me, at that age (and he was an only child). Even so, you need to make your DH understand the enormity of the risk you're both taking with this infant. He needs to step up. Maybe see his GP if he's THAT tired. Even with young children, he should be able to keep his eyes open and be a responsible parent. This, otherwise, will end in disaster.

YANBU. He needs a kick up the behind!

iLoveFlop · 23/03/2015 15:49

To reiterate others, co-sleeping is perfectly safe when simple guidelines are followed. For me, it was the safest choice. DD would wake up almost hourly for a feed still does sometimes now at 6 months and rather than fall asleep feeding, which would have been dangerous, I made the conscious decision to keep her in with me. I love co sleeping. Unintentional co sleeping is dangerous, nobody is denying that.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 15:51

Is there a way to get your middle child slowly into the way of accepting his dad? Or any outside help you could get? Waking 20 times per night is just not sustainable for yoyour health.

Also agree about not putting the baby in the bed. Yes there are safe guidelines but one is not to do it if one of you (in this case your dh) is an abnormally deep sleeper. Can you fit in one of those side on cots?

My dh is a deep sleeper by nature and he was adamant that he was not able to safely Co sleep with a new baby. I think he was right. If I want dh to get up with baby in the night (he's 1 now but if teething or coldy he will wake up maybe once/ twice) he has to sleep in ds' room and I stay in our room.

ChristyMooreRocks · 23/03/2015 16:04

From The Lullaby Trust:

'It is also important to be aware that there may still be an in- creased risk of bed sharing with a young baby (under 3 months) when none of the above risk factors are present in your house- hold. A recent overview of five large studies found a five-fold in- crease for breastfed babies, of non-smoking parents, who share a bed with either one or both of their parents '

And

'We do not tell parents to never bed share. However, as a charity committed to reducing the number of babies dying from SIDS, we try to give parents the best advice we can, so they know the things they should never do, and what are the safest ways to look after their baby so they can make informed choices. The Lullaby Trust and the NHS, and many professional and parenting organisations all agree that the safest place for a baby to sleep is in their own cot or Moses basket in their parents’ bedroom until they are at least six months old'

It's pretty clear isn't it?

OP we had a really good 'co-sleeping cot' that clamped onto the bed and you could put the side up as well so DD was right next to me, but still in her own space with no chance of hurting her?

Narnia72 · 23/03/2015 16:13

OP, you've had 3 scares. Severe ones. What is it going to take for you to change something? Sorry to be harsh, as I'm very aware that you are absolutely on your knees, but don't let a 4th one happen.

Sit him down, read him the horror stories, read him this thread, show him the statistics. Make it absolutely clear to him that when he is in sole charge of your baby he is NOT to go to sleep. If he feels himself nodding off he MUST place the baby in a safe place. Have you got a moses basket? Pram?

Tell him that you are on your knees and the routines have to change. I know children with SEN can find it incredibly difficult to change. But you have to change something about your life, otherwise you could end up with a tragedy.

Don't allow him in your bed - as long as you're co-sleeping and you have to do all the night wakings as well it is not a safe environment for your baby. Either stop co-sleeping, invest in a side sleeper, or he is in the spare bed. End of.

And make him do the night wakings for the 7 year old at least. Could you change sleeping arrangements so he sleeps in the same room as her for a bit? Mattress on her floor?

Talk through the options on here if it helps, but he needs to step up and help, and you need to ensure your baby's safety.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 16:16

'Falling asleep like that doesn't sound like laziness to me, '

But he can stay up for a shag?

Hakluyt · 23/03/2015 16:19

" One of the main causes of SIDS is from a parent falling asleep with the baby on the sofa or chair!"

No- babies sadly die of suffocation in those circumstances - but that is not SIDS. Sorry to derail but it's important.

scallopsrgreat · 23/03/2015 16:26

"What is it going to take for you to change something?" It isn't the OP that needs to change. She is fully aware of the dangers and has told her DP on more than one occasion.

"And make him do the night wakings for the 7 year old at least." How is she supposed to 'make' him?

The problem is her partner, not her.

OP: "His response last night was to apologise and say he'll give me the baby to take with me to bath the others if he feels tired next time...!" So his response is to give you more responsibility and him even less than nothing. What is he bringing to the party here? How is he making your life any easier?

AliceMcGee · 23/03/2015 16:29

I co-slept with all my babies, but when I was really tired I put a hairbrush inbetween us so I would wake up if I rolled over (and obviously no pillows or duvets near the baby-they slept higher up the bed with their own blanket
Does your DH work very long hours or do a physically demanding job? I am sure he doesn't want to risk the bay's safety any more than you do and there must be a reason he keeps dropping off to sleep.I think he needs to see his GP
In the meantime ,you have the baby while he deals with the older ones.

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 16:31

To all who automatically equate accidental suffocation and SIDS, or who think bed sharing is always dangerous, please read this. It pours out the enormous flaws in the "research" that so much of the advice focusses on.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/05/21/bedsharing-sids-why-we-have-it-all-wrong/

MNpostingbot · 23/03/2015 17:05

Some tragic experiences on this thread, sympathies with you.

OP as posted above, he's proved himself not responsible and he should be doing the bath and other less risky tasks with the older children until he proves otherwise.

Given there's some people on this thread with knowledge of this subject, at what age do you think co-sleeping is "safe"
I've got an 18 month old who has never slept in our bed (maybe with one of us being awake and watching over right at the start) but recently with teething he's been really hard to get back off to sleep (he goes back off but wakes the second I walk out of the room) and have been tempted to lay him in the bed with one of us whilst the other gets some sleep in spare room.

I think at his age and size if one of us (neither are particularly big) were to roll onto him we would know about it pretty quickly, if his sister cuddles him too tight he shoves Her off with ease.

obviously any risk is too much risk with this, but is there a point when the child is big enough to deal with it and if so when?

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 17:20

As soon as they can move themselves.

But I slept with DD from day 3 (in hospital until then).

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 17:21

It really doesn't have to be risky.

CycleChic · 23/03/2015 17:33

'Falling asleep like that doesn't sound like laziness to me, '

But he can stay up for a shag?

the 2 facts above sound like depression to me. I hope you manage to sort him out- at the very least, it sounds like the couch is the best bed for him!

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 17:43

'I hope you manage to sort him out'

So that's her job on top of a child, a SN toddler and a baby?

katese11 · 23/03/2015 17:43

Those of you telling the OP not to co sleep...has it occurred to you that without co sleeping she'd get no sleep whatsoever? Then she'd be the one falling asleep on the sofa with the baby. Presumably OP sleeps lightly so is safe to co sleep. Her DP, however, should probably be out of that bed

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