To get so annoyed by MIL intrusions

[trulyscrumptious33]

I am 40 weeks + 5 days and have no idea if IABU and my hormones are making me into a b*h or if I genuinely have a point.

This was probably the last weekend that DH and I could enjoy a bit of peaceful time together before our first DC arrives, so we both agreed to have a bit of a pre-babymoon from home, doing things we love to do together.

MIL has a holiday home very close to where we live and had decided to come up about 10 days ago should we need any help before or after the arrival of DC. She said she wouldn't get in the way and would let us spend quality time together whilst we await the inevitable.

So, this weekend she asked DH if he would view a house with her on Saturday as she is thinking of moving closer to us permanently, to which DH kindly obliged and was gone for most of Saturday afternoon. He comes back and said that MIL had reminded him that we had agreed to take her out for lunch the following day (we absolutely hadn't as we had planned nothing, half expecting potentially to be parents already).

In the meantime, I had come down with a horrible cold and chest/throat infection and could really have done with relaxing and trying to get over this as quickly as possible before going into labour...

I said that I would really prefer not to take her out to lunch to as I would much rather spend some quality time with DC, and as my energy levels are running rather low due to illness and late-pregnancy, I can only really do something for a few hours everyday before getting tired and didn't want to use this time entertaining said MIL. In the end he compromised by inviting her over just for a coffee at 11am.

She was here until nearly 3pm!!!! Argh!!!! Who stays for four hours after only being invited round for a coffee?! She could see I was really poorly and just needed to rest, and DH was doing a terrible job of trying to drop hints and shepherd her out. I was so pissed off for the rest of the day that I totally allowed it to spoil what I hoped would be a lovely and relaxing day with DH. We tried after she left to do a few of the things we had originally planned, which left me completely exhausted.

I am now worrying that when the baby comes along she will consistently outstay her welcome. I moaned to DH that he needs to step up and protect our precious time more. Particularly, in the days after childbirth when we will be recovering and getting used to being a family together.

AIBU to let this get to me so much?! Anyone had similar? Feeling slightly at my wits end but I realise that I may be overreacting somewhat!! Ranting about it feels like quite a relief though...

Yanbu

YANBU.

There is only so many hints you can drop. In your position I would have gone upstairs, got into bed, called DP got him into the bed and then had a nap/watched a movie. Mil can let herself out.
Although tbh I wouldn't have got to your position, I'd have just told her. "Great seeing you but we are so busy/we really need to sort out some personal things/have to go out to drop xxx at yyy. We will ring when the baby is here, bye."

When people don't take hints you have to stop hinting and SAY!

She came over at 11am for coffee? At 12:30 you stand up and say "Sorry to kick you out but I'll need to get on with things now before I get too tired. It was lovely to see you!"

All manner of hints were indeed dropped...at around 1pm I said "right, I think I'm going to go and have a nap now..." which didn't shift her. I tried yawning, putting the cups away, even saying that I think she shouldn't stick around too long in case she catches what I have and wouldn't it be horrible if she caught it and couldn't see the newborn until she was a bit better in case he/she catches it. NeedaBumChange I'm using your tactic next...although problem is that once before we left her in the house alone and she redecorated a room without our permission!! (Oh yeah, she's quite special!)

Furthermore, she'd brought me round a copy of 'Hello' magazine, which at 3pm she tried to use as another delay tactic by saying she hadn't actually read it and would have a quick flick through there and then...just take the damned magazine with you woman!! (I insisted she did and was actually successful in my attempt!)

I think I need a repertoire of phrases to get her on her way....ranging from polite excuses to damned right telling her to get the hell out!!

'Thanks so much for coming it's been lovely to see you, now where did I put your coat?'

I don't want to keep you, it's a long drive home'

You will understand that we must put the children to bed/feed them lunch/ bath them/ do their homework etc so I'll say goodbye now.

I'm sooo sorry to kick you out but I must go and rest now (and then do it)

' How lovely to see you DH is just putting the coffee on. I'm so sorry we'll have to say goodbye at about 12:00 today as we have lots to do'

I may have used some all of these. With a smiley face and a head tilt

Honestly, if one level of statement doesn't work then you need to move to the next. If "I think I'll have a nap" doesn't work then you need to say "I need you to go now". Literally, you will have to tell her to leave in exactly so many words. You can use a pleasant tone of voice to say it in, but don't build a repertoire of ways of trying to tell her indirectly if indirect doesn't actually work - just practice saying "We need you to leave us now". It's not rude if it's what she needs to hear to understand what you mean!

YANBU x 1000 and you hit the nail on the head when you said its DHs job to protect your space when baby arrives. My DH dropped the ball majorly in that respect when our DS was born, bloody wimp! One of the baby books I read had a lovely piece about the dad's job being to support the bonding process between the mum and baby in the early days and that means being a gatekeeper. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is your precious baby so be unreasonable!!

Hmmm i dunno maybe she got carriedaway spending time with the GC's ...does she spend much time?

YANBU, how frustrating! Agree though that sometimes you just have to do plain speaking and ask people to leave.

Dh and I usually have a signal planned in advance we can use when one of us is fed up and wants the person to leave. This is only used for the rare 'special' people who won't take a hint though!

Oh dear. I think you are going to have to be honest and upfront with your MIL. She obviously doesn't get hints.
She is desperate to be helpful so you need to give her something constructive to do. You don't mention FIL.

I am presuming you want her to be part of your babys life and don't want to be cruel and cut her off from having a relationship. However unless you can stick up for yourself, eventually you will get more and more angry, both with her and with yourself.

I can't imagine as a MIl myself entering my DIls house and decorating a room. That is fairly outrageous.

However, as a MIL I would rather be told something straightforwardly than realise that I was being frosted off, and then try to figure out what I had done. No-one can mind read.
When the baby arrives, she could be such a source of help but it has to be on your terms otherwise you will get to feel awful.

So post, you will just have to man up and tell her in the nicest way possible, how you feel, and what you want. Sorry because it is not easy. At least you have MUMSNET.
When my MIl told me that she didn't want me to marry her son, I had no one to advise me. She has been waiting forty years for him to divorce me now.

Your DH needs to have a chat NOW or you are going to fall out, I predict on Day 3 after the birth when your hormones are all over the place, you're trying to get the knack of feeding/sleeping and MIL has so far RUINED your first days with your newborn and your new family by being IN YOUR FACE 24/7.

No way is she going to go anywhere unless you tell her, and your DH really really needs to step up here.

I've recently told this story before, but I know someone who now has NO relationship at all with an interfering MIL after a nightmare time with her utterly refusing to leave them alone for any family or rest time, constantly trying to take over with the baby, ultimately she was blamed for breastfeeding failing (justifiably, unfortunately) and now she barely knows her now 2 granddaughters. Entirely her own fault, but - BUT - if the parents had been prepared to actually piss her off and put their foot down in the first weeks, it needn't have got to that stage. They pussyfooted, she took a mile for every inch given, until there was an almighty explosion culminating with the DIL calling her all the names under the sun and refusing to have her in the house again.

An extreme example, but if you love MIL and want her to be a welcome part of your family, PISS HER OFF NOW, so that you don't end up hating her. Believe me, if she takes away those special first days, you WILL hate her for it.

I am just thinking how I would feel in your situ with my own mother and I would have never put a time limit on her visits. But then I would not feel the need to entertain her, she could just "be" in the house and do her own thing....

So on the one hand its a shame, its so formal between mother and son, and you feel the need to be with her, rather than getting on with things and just letting her be.

But then I had a very skewed view of families, and my in laws are people you would want to be able to shift out.

Its a shame.

*sylvanian^ extreme example but common unfortunatly

choochi there are no gc yet.

Yanbu op.

YANBU. Who plans to take other people out to lunch at five days overdue?! Like you've got nothing else to be concentrating on.

I went 8 days over with DD3 and my otherwise perfectly sensible and reserved MIL took to ringing me at 7.30 every morning to ask after my cervix and if I thought I'd be having the baby that day. Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! Give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's forgotten the special Hell of waiting to give birth.

I think a good tactic is to stand up quite briskly, clap your hands loudly and say "right..." DH needs to know this is his cue to also stand up. Mil will automatically also stand up and then you say something, "can't sit around all day chatting! I'm sure you've lots to do today too, now do you need a hand getting to the car?"

Just have lots of stock phrases ready. Once baby comes I'm sure she'll be very useful and you can always send her to the shops for nappies-giving you a break and make her feel useful. It sounds like you actually have a good relationship with her but she is just getting slightly too overbearing at the mo.

Firstly why didn't u just send dh out for lunch with his mum. She sounds a bit lonely tbh. Secondly u should have just gone to bed for a nap.

Could you meet her for coffee somewhere instead? We used to do this with my MIL. You can then actually walk out of you have to!!

why not blame dh for not being firmer. yes she does sound lonely

*if

Thank you for all of your wonderful and valid points of view. And sorry for going quiet yesterday...was having contractions for most of the day but alas, they stopped overnight so am now 40+6 and waiting!!

There is indeed a FIL but they spend quite a bit of time apart and he is not coming to their holiday home for another week or so, so yes I think she does get lonely at times.

The stand and clap manoeuvre needabumchange is next on my list!!

We do have a good relationship mostly and I would hate for it to go to ruin. DH prefers to deal with her because she is quite difficult to handle at times...and of course he gets away with more. But I do think that I need to get involved in this a little more if I find that I am overwhelmed by her...not just to protect that precious bonding time between DH, DC and I, but also to protect the relationship between her and I so resentment doesn't build. As you say Sylvanians...

Her overbearing nature at a time like this is so difficult to deal with though. Yesterday for example, DH and I went for a walk to encourage the contractions and the whole time was spent conferring over how we are going to discourage her from coming to the hospital (she wants to come as soon as the baby is born even though we have expressly said that we want this time to just be the two of us and DC). The first day out of hospital we also just want to batton down the hatches for some R&R, also giving my parents the chance to travel up (they live 6 hours away) in order that all Grandparents can meet DC together. I fear MIL will be waiting on our doorstep on our return from hospital. I hate how much time and energy is wasted on this when we should be concentrating instead on the exciting journey ahead of us.

I appreciate how excited she is about her first GC arriving though.

It's quite sad that you feel the need to limit her time with her own son. So many seem to begrudge MILs spending time with their own children and they must feel so pushed out by wife's and partners yet men seem to have no choice in their MIL being a huge part of their life.

Three hours over a weekend isnt really a big deal. One day your husband won't have her around and he will regret pushing her out.

Did you miss the bit where the OP is almost a week overdue monsters?

It really doesn't take too much imagination to understand that she might not have been in the mood for entertaining.

And good luck with the impending OP.

Don't tell anyone when you go into hospital. Nobody, not just her.

And you don't have to announce when you're going to be d/c either. It's your and DH's business, nobody else's.

Is there a reason why all GP's have to meet your dc at once? That would be pretty overbearing imo.

Visitors need to be helpful at a time like this - could she put the kettle on, Hoover round etc. Make sure they don't expect to be waited on, and if they do get rid of them quickly. No dropping hints, and pussyfooting around. Straight to the point, no nonsense like have been suggested above.