To get so annoyed by MIL intrusions

[trulyscrumptious33]

I am 40 weeks + 5 days and have no idea if IABU and my hormones are making me into a b*h or if I genuinely have a point.

This was probably the last weekend that DH and I could enjoy a bit of peaceful time together before our first DC arrives, so we both agreed to have a bit of a pre-babymoon from home, doing things we love to do together.

MIL has a holiday home very close to where we live and had decided to come up about 10 days ago should we need any help before or after the arrival of DC. She said she wouldn't get in the way and would let us spend quality time together whilst we await the inevitable.

So, this weekend she asked DH if he would view a house with her on Saturday as she is thinking of moving closer to us permanently, to which DH kindly obliged and was gone for most of Saturday afternoon. He comes back and said that MIL had reminded him that we had agreed to take her out for lunch the following day (we absolutely hadn't as we had planned nothing, half expecting potentially to be parents already).

In the meantime, I had come down with a horrible cold and chest/throat infection and could really have done with relaxing and trying to get over this as quickly as possible before going into labour...

I said that I would really prefer not to take her out to lunch to as I would much rather spend some quality time with DC, and as my energy levels are running rather low due to illness and late-pregnancy, I can only really do something for a few hours everyday before getting tired and didn't want to use this time entertaining said MIL. In the end he compromised by inviting her over just for a coffee at 11am.

She was here until nearly 3pm!!!! Argh!!!! Who stays for four hours after only being invited round for a coffee?! She could see I was really poorly and just needed to rest, and DH was doing a terrible job of trying to drop hints and shepherd her out. I was so pissed off for the rest of the day that I totally allowed it to spoil what I hoped would be a lovely and relaxing day with DH. We tried after she left to do a few of the things we had originally planned, which left me completely exhausted.

I am now worrying that when the baby comes along she will consistently outstay her welcome. I moaned to DH that he needs to step up and protect our precious time more. Particularly, in the days after childbirth when we will be recovering and getting used to being a family together.

AIBU to let this get to me so much?! Anyone had similar? Feeling slightly at my wits end but I realise that I may be overreacting somewhat!! Ranting about it feels like quite a relief though...

Do you think MIL was maximising the hanging around nearby in case you went into labour and she could be involved in the birth? (even if only the getting you to the birth centre, and then naturally waiting there to see the baby :p part).

Gosh it almost sounds like there's 3 people in your marriage! Tbh I think most of the fault lies with your DH, he should have made clear to get that you'd be spending a quiet weekend together and therefore not available for coffee/house viewings etc.

To her not to get I meant.

sylvaniansaAt ease your advice is brilliant. It is spot on as most MIls would rather be told than wonder why they are not invited to their DILS and being frosted off.
However, the post sounds a really nice level headed person.

Some DIls are just as damaged and just as lunatic as some MIls. The relationship is acknowledged to be difficult, but for some it is doomed from the start.
I am so glad that I have daughters as well as sons. With my DDs the relationship is so much easier, they just say, Oh Mother ! And I know when to shut up. With my DILs I watch my tongue and try never to offer any advice about any subject.
The thought of going to their houses and decorating a room, without any consultation, made me gasp! The OPs MIl has not let go of her son.
Wow

YANBU.

I agree with PP, you will have to be a little rude with her and also ignore any of her whinging if you don't respond to it she will eventually stop! She is excited and probably bored. But, your DH is giving her an inch and she is taking a mile.

If she is overbearing then you will need to set firm boundaries. Like, when she can and can't visit in those first few days.

I wouldn't tell anyone when you are in labour.

I'm thinking that I'll suggest that we don't tell anyone until the big moment has happened, that way we can just concentrate on the important stuff and put all of this aside for the time being. And then we can try to manage the visiting stuff once we're out of hospital and settled.

She is very helpful around the house, and very generous so all is well meaning. Although, left alone to her own devices in the house means that furniture and possessions are rearranged, walls redecorated given enough time, and she generally tries to turn our house into her Laura Ashley paradise.

She just has huge boundary issues which I have always struggled with.
If DH chooses not to be so direct to protect her feelings, then I feel that I will have to be firmer in order to keep our best interests at heart as a family now...trying of course to preserve feelings as much as possible...

And yes of course, under normal circumstances her spending three hours per day over a weekend with her son I would not begrudge (as long as it wasn't every weekend!), but being overdue and about to embark on parenthood is a critical time. I don't think I am at all wrong for wishing this time to be spent alone as a couple...

Truly how exciting that your LO is almost here. I have a one year old so was in exactly your position last year - overdue and with an overbearing MIL.

OP I can't stress this enough - these next few days are all about you and your baby. Do not feel you have to pander to anyone else's wishes or requests.

Childbirth is a joyous occasion but it can also be physically and emotionally difficult.

My advice is to say NO to all visitors until you are ready. For example you should feel free to say no to visitors in hospital. You are there to recover, not to host visitors. I don't mean to scare you at all re labour but I was in hospital for a week after, having different kinds of medical care due to a difficult birth. I did not want to be making small talk with anyone let alone MIL.

Also, at the same time as getting yourself sorted you have to figure out how to feed your baby, hold your baby, comfort your baby. All of this is hard. It requires your full attention. You need to be with your baby and learn its cues. Breastfeeding is the hardest thing I've ever done. Nothing has made me so scared or feel so helpless as struggling to feed my baby. You need peace and quiet for this - plenty of it.

Be particularly aware that overbearing family may try to hold your baby for extended periods, but this is just not on in the early days. The baby needs to be with you mainly. So PLEASE don't hesitate to tell MIL or anyone else "Give me my baby right now" if you need to. Many posters on here have sat, heartbroken, watching family members pretend to be their newborn's mummy.

Knowledge is power OP!

By my last comment I mean: I expect she will do all these things. Be forewarned and forearmed.

I would recommend telling your DH and then all guests that they can stay for a max period of time, predetermined. When a guest shows up say: lovely to see you, I hope if it's ok if we make this a short visit, it's early days here. Until 12 suits us well and then the baby and I need to rest.

If anyone overstays their welcome: just leave the room with the baby. Just do it!

You'll be leaving the room a lot anyway for nappy changes, so at some point just don't go down again. Works well.

Thanks NancyDroop that's really helpful advice. This being our first, there is certainly an element of having no idea what to expect and I would hate to get to the stage where I was frustrated and upset by all of this whilst trying to nurse and bond with the baby.

Luckily my parents are very understanding and respectful of not getting in the way, and if the initial visits were involving all grandparents, then at least MIL and FIL can follow their lead somewhat.

It all very much depends on my recovery after childbirth as well, I think people sometimes tend to forget what the mother has just been through...

I don't understand why you didn't just go and have that nap anyway and leave DH to sort her out? I know you wanted to spend quality time with him, but if you were feeling rotten anyway that wasn't really going to happen.

I was sat sobbing in the bath three days post partum as my in laws who had never come for more than a weekend had come for a whole week! Your dh needs to be the gatekeeper. I made this very clear to my dh second time around.... So they moved house to our town from 300 miles away the week I gave birth obviously he didnt communicate very well

My inlays ruined the days after my PFB birth. I was trying to establish feeding and MIL stood around watching, commenting like "I couldn't breastfeed at all, I dried up, just get the formula out" until the midwife gave MIL short shrift.

They smoked and then breathed all over my precious tiny baby, they expected limitless cups of coffee and bacon sandwiches to be provided.
They didn't lift a finger to help out. Left plates newspapers cups etc everywhere.

I HATED them with every fibre of my being. I literally stood in the baby's room and cried I was so desperate that they FUCKING LEAVE.
They were nasty about my parents.
About who got to see the baby, hold the baby demanding that we understand who loved the baby more (MIL actually said that)
Why didn't I just say please go? Why didn't DH? We felt obliged I think.

The upshot is we see them x2 a year now. I never call her, the DC don't know them. And I am glad.

InLAWS not inlays

Reading what you have recently posted, I would say that you definately need to firm up those boundaries. If she is overbearring now then she will be more so when baby is born. Stop being polite as she is either not taking hints or does take the hint but chooses to ignore you.

I would be inclined to tell the staff at the hospital that you don't want any vistors (in case she turns up) and limit visitors to a few hours a day.

If baby is being passed around then I would take baby back...saying they need to be changed/fed etc.

My MIL (with my SIL) was overexcited when her first GC was born. My DN was born in the early hours and my MIL turned up to visit in the morning...my SIL was quite shocked to wake up and see MIL there and her DH not. Although, they bought DN to see her when they left hospital, this didn't deter my MIL going to their house later that night (my SIL relatives were vistiing) and holding the baby. The. Whole. Time.

My MIL can be overbearing, but is kind and very helpful. My SIL new she was excited, but quickly established boudaries because those first few weeks became a little too much.

Sounds like my mil she can't take a hint either. Nip it in the bud now otherwise she'll be a your house the second you get home from hospital expecting you to entertain her and fetch tea etc whilst she cuddles your new little bundle of joy. not bitter about that at all

I think at the end of the day the difficulties arise because we feel we can't be as explicit with our in-laws as we can with our own parents. It does come down to politeness, I know can get away with being more frank with my own parents as we have that unconditional bond.

I'm nervous of upsetting her and damaging our relationship (even over something seemingly trivial), but as the tides change and we start our own family, then I know where my priorities will lie and I will set the boundaries right from the start...

Thanks for the continued advice. 41 weeks and counting!!

"I am now worrying that when the baby comes along she will consistently outstay her welcome"

this will happen.

I agree wholeheartedly with LittleMonster. Why is it acceptable for the daughters parents to be involved but not the son's. I was more than happy to have my in laws stay with us before our sons were born. I have all boys & the attitude towards MILs here is awful.

Fgs, monster and Demlza, she is a week overdue and unwell at that. I would tell my own mother to leave in that situation, but with in laws you often are more polite. It's got nothing to do with preferential treatment.

My ILs came to see us in hospital every day (in for 5 days in those days), bringing every possible permutation of family with them. MIL's parents, MIL's sister, MIL's sister's DC, MIL's friend ......

The day I came home from hospital they turned up at 6pm and sat there for 5 hours, I kid you not. I waited for DH to step up. He didn't. They repeated this at regular intervals for the first few weeks, and then following the birth of each subsequent baby .

If I could have my time again I would have asked them to leave after 30 minutes that first night then refused to leave my room when they came back. (I went with a variation of this following my last baby as I was 43 and much more bolshy by then :) )

Start as you mean to go on and if your DH won't step up you will have to.

DemelzaandRoss I have NEVER once said that! I am involving both parents absolutely equally and I do not like people jumping to conclusions just because you are correlating what other mothers have expressed on MN.

And I will absolutely not involve my DC in any unfair prejudices as I wholeheartedly believe in them forming their own relationships and opinions.

Thanks Indantherene for sharing your experience and your advice. Your first birth and the following weeks sounded exhausting!