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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think there's no difference between an NRP and a childminder?

60 replies

sparing · 22/03/2015 13:41

My sister is divorced with a two year old. Her ex was totally disinterested in their child, apart from something to dandle on his knee when he was in the mood - in the end he had an affair and left her.

The baby is now two and sees him EOW.

He insists he's a good dad but he takes my nephew to his parents every weekend and let's them do the bulk of the childcare. He might feed him and change the odd nappy, maybe go to the park but aside from that doesn't seem to do much.

In between times he doesn't contact my sister at all except to very occasionally give her a hard time about something. He never asks about his child or gets involved in the day to day.

My sister insists on defending him still and it can cause tension. She says he works long hours and doesn't like speaking to his son on the phone or skype because it's hard to communicate with a baby. She also says that if she texts him with an update, he'll say thanks, or glad he's better or something.

I think this is the absolute least he should be doing. To my mind, a childminder can change a nappy and take a kid to the park. What is he doing that shows he is the parent? I have work colleagues who take more of an interest in my children than he takes in his own son!

Am I being harsh, as my sister thinks, or should he be doing more even though he is non resident?

OP posts:
OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 13:45

That is an insult to many NRPs out there.

A childminder's job is to look after the children. A NRP's job is that of a parent.

Some NRPs are crap at that. So are some RPs. But an NRP is not a childminder.

Your title is offensive. It's too general.

LittleBairn · 22/03/2015 13:46

What exactly do you expect him to do?

TwoOddSocks · 22/03/2015 13:46

YANBU but I don't know whether I'd make a point of arguing with your sister over it. Perhaps she feels guilty that she picked the wrong man as her DS's dad or is still emotionally attached to him and doesn't want to accept his inadequacies. She'll probably change her mind over time but I don't know what you'll achieve by pointing it out to her. It's something she'll have to accept in her own time.

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 13:46

In this particular case, it seems the NRP is a crap parent.

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2015 13:47

Why are you getting involved?

You might be right or you might not be, but if they're all happy with the way things are then that's great.

There's nothing wrong with taking him to his grandparents so they can enjoy his company EOW, as well as his dad.

And I agree, talking on the phone/skype with a baby can be pretty pointless...there's plenty of time for that when he's older.

TwoOddSocks · 22/03/2015 13:47

(I assume you're not tarring all NRP's with this brush. Clearly there are plenty who do a wonderful job and get involved with their kids)

abigamarone · 22/03/2015 13:49

He's being a lousy parent, why are you tarring all NRPs with the same brush? I'd be offended on my ex's behalf (if I could work up the enthusiasm)

WestEast · 22/03/2015 13:53

Your sisters ex seems to be a bit of a dick.

However tarring all NRP's with the same brush is frankly insulting.

sparing · 22/03/2015 13:55

Yes of course I accept that some NRPs are more involved than him and can be good parents.

It seems to me that he was crap anyway when he was resident, and to be a good non resident parent you need to put in ten times the effort, not half the effort of a resident parent.

OP posts:
OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 13:57

So you are saying there is a difference between an NRP and a childminder?

Feckeggblue · 22/03/2015 14:01

I don't understand the comparison between NRp as a relationship and childminder. This is all about your sisters ex who sounds like a crap parent. What does it have to do with childminders?

Charlotte3333 · 22/03/2015 14:01

I think some NRP's are crap, just like some RP's are crap. DS1's Dad lived with his parents for a long time after we split up (DS1 was 5 months, and I didn't want every other weekend overnights until he was a toddler) and ex MIL did probably 80% of the parenting while DS1 was small because his Dad just found it easier. I didn't really question it because I found it more reassuring, knowing she knew what she was doing with him.

Being an NRP must suck because your job at bonding with the child is just harder; there's little consistency, there's hardly any time to do the things you'd like to do, and they don't always respond to you the way they might the RP. DS1 has a bond with his Dad, and we get on well as a unit. But I don't doubt that his Dad has missed out every single day of his life. That must be a hard life to lead.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/03/2015 14:01

Are you saying all NRP are shit parents, just because your exBiL is a shit parent?

This won't end well OP

DixieNormas · 22/03/2015 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlemonstersrule · 22/03/2015 14:18

Some RP are rubbish, some NRP are rubbish and equally there are rubbish childminders.

If more picked their co parent wisely, there would be fewer problems.

NRP can get a raw deal as they are at the mercy of the RP and are often made to feel disposable.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/03/2015 14:37

When is he supposed to take them to see his (the child's) family?

Tanith · 22/03/2015 14:45

As a trained, experienced childminder, I'm none too thrilled at being compared to a rubbish NRP either Hmm

woowoo22 · 22/03/2015 14:46

My childminder is ace. If all she did was change nappies and go to the park, she would not be my childminder Grin

I think you have worded your question badly.

Floralnomad · 22/03/2015 14:46

I don't see what business it is of yours ,as your sister is obviously ok with the arrangement . If anything she is probably being sensible and doesn't want her son picking up vibes from you that his dad is a crap parent - does your sister not have contact with her ex Inlaws ?

Ikeatears · 22/03/2015 14:54

Yabu. There's a big difference with a lot of nrp. My dh would have done anything to live with dsd and see her all the time but his ex didn't want to stay together and as he worked full time and she was the carer, it would have made no sense (she also wouldn't have allowed it, understandably) for dh to have custody. However, he supported her financially, he saw her regularly, she had a bedroom in our home, she came on holidays with us, he attended almost every doctors, dentist, parents' evening, school play, we had birthday parties for her, we worked with her mum to agree rules and consistency and he was her parent as fully as he possibly could be in the circumstances. He also loves her very much and worries about her just as he does our own children. To say he was nothing more than a childminder is wholly inaccurate and an insult.

Ikeatears · 22/03/2015 14:55

Meant to say *main carer

BarbarianMum · 22/03/2015 14:56

Does it matter? Your dn gets a relationship with his dad, and his gp, and presumably is loved and well cared for when he's with them.

I would think your dsis would be pleased he doesn't contact her b/w times other than a little text exchange.

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2015 15:02

Maybe it's a cultural thing but I'm always surprised at the amount of RPs who see the NRP taking the kids to gran's house, as being somehow lazy.

It's nice for kids to bond with extended family and nice if they're all happy to pitch in.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 22/03/2015 15:31

i think you should butt out and mind your own business.

Not every NRP can be the wonderful parent, some people are ill, some have disabilities, some might rely on their family to help them because they like the support and company.
Some people take the kids to their family because its the only opportunity those relatives get to see the child if the RP has gone NC for whatever reason.

At least he's making the effort, maybe you should back the fuck off?

VoyageOfDad · 22/03/2015 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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