to think there's no difference between an NRP and a childminder?

[sparing]

My sister is divorced with a two year old. Her ex was totally disinterested in their child, apart from something to dandle on his knee when he was in the mood - in the end he had an affair and left her.

The baby is now two and sees him EOW.

He insists he's a good dad but he takes my nephew to his parents every weekend and let's them do the bulk of the childcare. He might feed him and change the odd nappy, maybe go to the park but aside from that doesn't seem to do much.

In between times he doesn't contact my sister at all except to very occasionally give her a hard time about something. He never asks about his child or gets involved in the day to day.

My sister insists on defending him still and it can cause tension. She says he works long hours and doesn't like speaking to his son on the phone or skype because it's hard to communicate with a baby. She also says that if she texts him with an update, he'll say thanks, or glad he's better or something.

I think this is the absolute least he should be doing. To my mind, a childminder can change a nappy and take a kid to the park. What is he doing that shows he is the parent? I have work colleagues who take more of an interest in my children than he takes in his own son!

Am I being harsh, as my sister thinks, or should he be doing more even though he is non resident?

If your sister is happy with the arraignment, I think you should keep quite about it and stop causing tension.

The child is well cared for, and sees his father regularly, so I'm not sure why you are so bothered.

To compare a man who sounds inexperienced with small children, with a childcare professional is just silly.

I think that your title and OP are offensive to NRP and childminders.

I'm not causing tension between them at all. I'm likening it to a childminder because he changes nappies, takes him to the park and give him lunch once a week, which is exactly what my cm does. I'm just not sure exactly what he does that is parenting.

It's possible I'm still very biased against him because of what he's done in the past. He was truly horrible to my sister, even after he left, and even now every so often he'll kick off about something and it'll all come back to a head - he'll threaten my sister, or he'll drag her back through the court or whatever. And there she is every day and every night bringing up his son for him alone. She also works full time and lives a long way from us so has no help day to day.

Maybe there isn't any more he can do with a two year old? Maybe I am being unfair?

It's very hard to parent a baby EOW but hopefully as the child grows then they will have a father that can rely on and talk to and whom they know loved them. That's what matters.

Maybe you have too much time on your hands?

Clearly your sister thinks so. She shouldn't have to keep defending him to you. No wonder it causes tension.

well, in my experience, the childminder has been a whole lot more reliable so I'd say that no, it's not the same thing!

Voyage I'm genuinely interested to know, what is it about him that sounds not that bad?

Right so he never gets his son dressed, talks to him, plays with him, puts him down to nap, baths him etc And you know this how?

He doesn't sound like a great partner, I don't think I'm in a position to judge his parenting (not sure you are either).

Your sister is presumably raising her own son as well as his. Are you suggesting he should have his son more days a week? Is this what she would want?

I think you should butt out tbh. She's free of him which is a good thing - why are you giving her a hard time about him. What do you think she should do about it now - he's the kid's father? Honestly, rubbing her nose in how she should have chosen better won't help either of them (mother or son).

Are you sure you're not the actual mother and you're not trying to get some sympathy to back up your opinion that your exh isn't looking after the kids properly because he uses his family to help him during contact?

Yabu

1. You or your sister don't know exactly what he does when he has the child, or does your sister get a minute by minute update?
2. Some parents are shit regardless of being nrp or rp and don't do much with their kids
3. Your title suggests all nrp are basically childminders
4. If you sister defends him, shut up. Its not actually any of your business and she is probably doing all she can to maintain some sort of amicable relationship with him. You aren't helping.
5. Your anger towards him is clouding your judgment of a situation, even though its nothing to do with you.

I totally get you OP, as a mum of a 2 year old.

I just think you haven't quite worded it properly. Not a childminder, a babysitter perhaps?

At 2 they change SO quickly. They are doing new things every day.

For me, the ideal parenting of such young children would be a co-parenting one, where you can keep in regular contact with the other parent and update them on the new changes and developments in their life.

Skype works fine for a 2 year old. Mine will happily play on camera - and if you interact with him, he interacts back. 10-20 mins of skype every couple of days would be ideal if the child doesn't mind it. It gives that extra connection to the parent who isn't there all the time.

I agree, your sisters ex sounds pretty crap as a parent, but sadly is 'good enough' in that he isn't neglecting the child. He just doesn't actually seem to really care/love I guess.

My eldests dad is rather like this, in that he sees him once a week, picks him up from me at 7.30pm, he goes to his flat, sleeps there, then the next day goes back to dads for the evening, has tea and comes home at bedtime. In between there is no real contact. No contact between me and him except either 'pay maintenance asap please' or if there is a real problem with behaviour. Nothing else.

DS was just turning 7 when we split, by the time he was 8 the above was pretty much the arrangement. Dad doesn't text him or call him, despite him having a mobile from age 9. It's like he has two totally separate lives. I don't doubt he loves him, and wants the best for him. But he just doesn't do what I would think a NRP should to get the best out of their relationship with their child.

I've always made contact easy for him by the way. And he can have more if he wants. It's never been an issue. He chose the contact arrangements with no input from me.

I think it's just him I guess. Probably sees DS as more of a mate than a son. :(

Don't get me started on DS2 and unborn DS3's dad... he's the total waste of space in my life... no contact at all there. And it's better for all that way. When I did try to engage with him about the two children I got similar responses as your sisters ex. Totally uninterested. Was the same on Skype, kept his gaming headphones on one ear, could hear him tapping away on his laptop, replying to text messages etc. He wasn't interacting with DS to the point where I had to step in and engage him in playing to show dad what had changed, what new things he could do. Didn't tell his son he loved him, just fuck all from him emotionally towards his child really. So I've deleted skype, and now have gone totally no contact. I'm not even making the minimum effort, because he won't.

Need to find better or no men in my life clearly.

I think what I'm trying to say is that at a young age more regular and frequent contact is needed to keep the bond and to really know your own child.

As they get older, in to school age, it changes, and less frequent contact is okay, not ideal, but it can work out fine. So it doesn't bother me that DS1's dad only sees him once a week with no real contact or updates in between, because at 13, he can tell him what he wants to, and ask him if he wants to see him more etc.

Little one's can't do that. They need parents to work together. :(

How am I rubbing her nose in it?!

We were all taken in by him - we welcomed him into the family and unfortunately he wasn't the person we thought he was.

I don't blame my sister at all for what happened - why would I? He left her with a six month old baby!

Possibly clouding my judgment with the grandparents is the fact that he doesn't pay child support - he arranged it so his parents pay it to him and he passes it to my sister. To be honest if they weren't so involved I think it might encourage him to take a bit more responsibility, but he's never going to while they run round after him.

Exactly Detective. She tried at first to get him to see DN more but he wasn't interested, and eventually he was such a dick she went pretty much no contact for a long time.

I skype DN lots I don't see why he cant!

My sister insists on defending him still and it can cause tension.

You are causing the tension between you and your sister - you've said so yourself. Your sister sounds quite relaxed about it all.

I think the sister is probably just relieved with minimal contact to be honest.

Sometimes it is easier to let them be crap, then you can't be let down IYSWIM?

The child will see it one day. Until then, it's shit. But they will see it.

If I pick the times to skype carefully DS is really keen on it. He really enjoys it. I facetime with him from upstairs sometimes just because he enjoys it!

OP you need to wind your neck in, if sister is happy then it's up to her.

YABU - and quite insulting to suggest that all CMs do is feed and change a childs nappy and take them to the park occasionally

YABU to stick your beak in and try and stir up trouble when your sister and her ex have an amicable arrangement

I personally think YABU in your criticism of your sister's ex anyhow. I can't see that anything he is doing that you mention in your post) is wrong or somehow 'lacking' , but I acknowledge that is more subjective.

Where two people's relationship has broken down, it is hard to keep parenting jointly. My DP and his ex actually do manage to do this, they talk to each other about big decisions like schools, activities, discipline etc, but to be honest I think it is quite rare.

Then once you have a situation where one parent is RP and the other is NRP, of course the 'parenting' is already unbalanced. One person is being a parent for the majority of the time and dealing with the day to day, the other one is only parenting on a part time basis and probably doing weekends where there just isn't the same daily grind to deal with. But that's just the way it is. It works fine for a lot of families.

There is nothing you or your sister can do to force this man to step up more, much as you think he should. If you start trying to interfere in what he does with the DC during his time, it will probably make things a lot worse. You don't have fears that your DN isn't safe with his dad, and it doesn't sound like he's being unreliable with contact. Your sister is receiving maintenance - OK so he has arranged for his parents to pay it, but that isn't your business really.

As I said, my DP has a good relationship with his ex, and is an active parent to his DS. But he certainly doesn't skype or call him on a regular basis inbetween contact, and I don't think he's a worse parent for that. He calls if he has something to say, or if DSS has something he wants to tell him, but not just for the sake of it. It sounds like you enjoy Skyping your DN, but lots of people just don't really 'get' talking on the phone (I'm one of them) and it doesn't necessarily do much good to the child/parent relationship unless both parties are into it IMO.

I wish the OP would acknowledge her title is offensive and upsetting.

What she wrote in her post bears no relation to the situation.

What would you actually like him to do? 50/50 care of your dnephew? And what does your sister want? Would she even want her ds to go to his dads more? Some people don't. This isn't about what you think should happen. Its about her, her ds and her ex.

He has suggested 50:50 but that was way back when and was more about him trying to get out of paying the maintenance really.

He's only been doing overnights for a couple of months. Prior to that he just did a few hours once a week. I think it suits him to be honest, like I said up thread he wasn't that interested when he was there all the time. I think being a dad once a week with the generous and ever present support of his parents is a dream for him.

Just a shame for my sister who has to do the other 6 days a week completely alone.

I think DN is safe there, but there were certainly times when DN was very small when exBIL put him at risk. He's a drinker, and there was some violence/aggression because of the drink which at times put DN at risk (sister confided in me at the time). I've no idea if he's still drinking and I don't think DSis does either. Like I say, she has minimal contact.

I do worry about DN being ill while he's there - exBIL would never spot eg meningitis or other childhood diseases. He really is clueless about children in general.