to think there's no difference between an NRP and a childminder?

[sparing]

My sister is divorced with a two year old. Her ex was totally disinterested in their child, apart from something to dandle on his knee when he was in the mood - in the end he had an affair and left her.

The baby is now two and sees him EOW.

He insists he's a good dad but he takes my nephew to his parents every weekend and let's them do the bulk of the childcare. He might feed him and change the odd nappy, maybe go to the park but aside from that doesn't seem to do much.

In between times he doesn't contact my sister at all except to very occasionally give her a hard time about something. He never asks about his child or gets involved in the day to day.

My sister insists on defending him still and it can cause tension. She says he works long hours and doesn't like speaking to his son on the phone or skype because it's hard to communicate with a baby. She also says that if she texts him with an update, he'll say thanks, or glad he's better or something.

I think this is the absolute least he should be doing. To my mind, a childminder can change a nappy and take a kid to the park. What is he doing that shows he is the parent? I have work colleagues who take more of an interest in my children than he takes in his own son!

Am I being harsh, as my sister thinks, or should he be doing more even though he is non resident?

YABU and way too invested in a situation that is none of your business.

I'm not allowed to be concerned for my sister and DN?

I agree with Wayfaring.. You are entitled to an opinion on anything. I think the friction is caused by you sharing it with you DSIS.. She may prefer contact at his parents if he is not great at spoting stuff. She may prefer the one day a week contact.

I think you if you want to support your DSis it is by listening to her not telling her what he should and shouldn't be.

I am sure she knows his failings without you pointing them out and while it does seem to happen more often most RP don't want 50/50 care.

You are allowed to be concerned. But to this degree? Worrying about what if dn get meningitis at his dads? You don't see that you are going to far?

You say he isn't great and has problems. So his contact is limited and his parents are there with him. So problem solved. Your dsis lets him go, knowing far more about her ex than you do. When you moan, she defends him and its causing tension. Because she is clearly ok with the situation. She may not want him to have him more or on his own.

As for the staying over. Its not unusual for small children to not stay over at nrp, where there have been periods of nc.

I don't think she is ok with the situation really - the ex is legally entitled to contact so he gets contact. I totally understand that there's no point her trying to stop it because he would just go to court and get contact anyway. So she sucks it up because she has no choice.

I don't think she's fine with it, I think she's just burying her feelings because at the end of the day she's just got to get on with it. I'm worried she's making herself ill, she's just got no safety net at all - works and does 24/7 with DN. We visit when we can but she's at the other end of the country and I'm concerned about her.

If you are concerned then I'd put your effort into supporting your sister any way you can. She sounds great, and is maturely dealing with a difficult situation and putting her DS first. Whether you approve or not, the evidence shows that DC who have secure relationships with both parents are better off, and that conflict between the separated parents is very damaging. So your sister is being a good parent and putting her DS before her own feelings. If this is hard for her, as you've suggested, then perhaps you could lay off with the criticism so she doesn't have to defend her choices?

I can see you are really worried about your sister. You say you think she is burying her feelings but also just getting on with it. To be honest, what else can she do? She IS a single parent, her DS's father IS the person he is. She HAS to get on with it, and I think it sounds like she is doing the best she can for her DS.

Yes, probably the ex could and should do more, but it doesn't sound like telling him that will make him magically do so. If he was already difficult when he was with her, he's not going change who he is now. It seems like you think she deserves more from him, and probably she does, but I don't know what you think she could do to actually get it, except jeopordise what she and her DS already have from him. If he is currently maintaining regular overnights at weekends and paying maintenance, that is real tangible relief for her at least.

Yes you're right I think.

I do try and be supportive, she has a lot to deal with and he's such a cunt so difficult sometimes.

Admittedly he sees him regularly, whether that is aided and abetted by his parents or not, plus the money helps my sister.

You aren't helping you are stressing her out. Whatever your opinions are she doesn't want to hear them and its not helping.

The title of your thread is quite offensive and reduces all nrp to childminders not parents, as they are. If this is the way you put forth your opinion to her, I can see why she is tense.

Your title is completely unreasonable.

And yes worra there seems to be a general consensus that an NRP should spend every waking moment with their children during contact. It took a judge to point out to DH's ex that it wasn't her business to divi up the contact time and also asked if she thought perhaps the paternal grandparents should seek their own contact order?

Have you tried having a conversation with a child on the phone? It has to be on loudspeaker, they usually stare into space and can't answer a single question you ask them - and I'm thinking of an 8 year old!!