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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if anyone else is not bothered about having close friendships?

73 replies

pearlesque · 21/03/2015 23:27

I find that the older I get, the less bothered I am about having close/best friendships with others. I have loads of friends and acquaintances to spend time with but the thought of having a really intense friendship with someone makes me shudder.

I think it's partly because in the past I have had a few bad experiences of being close friends with people and have just found it hard work, and partly because these days I just can't be arsed.

I try to get on with everyone but to just not get involved too much with people.

Am I the only one who feels like this because sometimes I just feel a bit odd because of it?

OP posts:
DirtyDancing · 21/03/2015 23:30

No I am feeling the total opposite. I feel like I'm drifting from friends and have it.

Dirty is on the market for a new BFF! A DDBFF!! Grin

DirtyDancing · 21/03/2015 23:31

*and hate it

YouTheCat · 21/03/2015 23:35

Happy to chat with just about anyone but I'm not really very good at friendships. I do have one very close friend who I've known for nearly 40 years. We don't see each other all that often but we are always there for each other.

Friends have come and gone. I don't really fall out with people but some have just drifted. I'm happy as I am. It used to be something that really bothered me in my twenties.

silverstreak · 22/03/2015 00:10

Yanbu, could've written that post myself Op - right down to the shuddering.....! I've always been pretty happy with my own company anyway but since having two kids I've barely got the mental/emotional energy & headspace for me let alone anyone else - just about manage our for the kids and Dp! Much better IMO to have several light friends and acquaintances that you can dip in and out of when the mood takes and who won't feel let down or neglected when you're just too pooped or distracted to answer a text or phone call.... God, you can tell I need a few good nights sleep (& preferably a holiday!) Eh...! ;)

silverstreak · 22/03/2015 00:12

*answer a text promptly, that should say.... I'm not quite that anti social yet! :)

mrsruffallo · 22/03/2015 00:14

I have always had solid friendships but they are hard to maintain when I also love spending time with DH and Dc. My nest friends understand this and we go out every so often to catch up. I do love my friendships though, and tend to keep them.

hiddenhome · 22/03/2015 00:23

People are too much like hard work. I associate friendship with being exploited and ripped off. No more of that for me now.

DrElizabethPlimpton · 22/03/2015 00:24

I have lots of friends and a great social life, I'm lucky I know, but I don't have and never have had a best friend. It just isn't my thing really. My DH fills that role for me I suppose.

mrsruffallo · 22/03/2015 00:25

Hidden, i am sorry you feel like that.

BossWitch · 22/03/2015 00:33

I have friends but I'm happy to let those friendships relax a bit / fall away - I dont have the time or inclination to work at maintaining friendships. My dh is my best friend and we have a brilliant baby. I will always pick them to spend my free time with and would feel quite resentful if I had to give them up to 'keep up' friendships with other people. Luckily I have a couple of friends from uni days who get this about me and are willing to be my friend on a more time minimal basis!

Original poster
pearlesque · 22/03/2015 00:38

I'm glad I'm not alone in how I feel!

OP posts:
ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 22/03/2015 00:39

I don't have a best friend but have several close friends who are "horses for courses" (ie one who i go to theatre with, another out with kids etc etc) and adore all sisters in law and enjoy spending quality time
with them - but, ultimately, DH is my BFF and I prioritise that.

squoosh · 22/03/2015 00:46

No. My friends enrich my life. Really can't understand the mentality of being 'resentful' of maintaining friendships. Whatever works for you etc. but doesn't sound like a wholly healthy outlook to me.

mrsruffallo · 22/03/2015 00:48

Squoosh, I too love my friends. IKWYM.

kippersmum · 22/03/2015 00:52

I don't have a BFF but I do have a male best friend from uni instead. We are approx 300 miles and a sea from each other but would do anything for each other. We know that if the shit hits the fan the other one is always there, no matter what.

I guess that is what happens when you share a box room bedroom, double bed & a socks & pants drawer (all platonically) for a year.

HootOnTheBeach · 22/03/2015 00:53

I'm the same except I AM bothered, especially when I realise I have no one to call for a moan/general chat/for a wild night out until 10pm.

I'm not very gregarious by nature and find people hard work most of the time. After a long day at work the last thing I want to do is prune my friendship bush. It's not good to be isolated, but I just lack the motivation. I think as you get older you lose things you once had in common and grow apart from people.

kippersmum · 22/03/2015 00:55

I should add that our pants drawer sharing was 20 years ago & we are still best mates

Ineedtimeoff · 22/03/2015 00:56

Right now I just have no energy to maintain friendships. Friendships need time and you need to put effort into building and keeping them, something I just don't have! I work full time so during the week when I come home from work I pick up DD from ASC and then it's diner, homework and bed. At weekends I try to see friends and family as well as manage all DD's activities and numerous parties.

I do understand that soon DD will be growing up and away from me and I need to have friends that I can socialise and go out with, but really, just now maintaining friendships just feel like a chore.

springthing · 22/03/2015 01:02

I don't think I've had close friends since I was at secondary school tbh. It doesn't bother me. I have never felt the need to have friends to call on for a chat or in a crisis, I just tend to deal with things on my own. I'm quite busy as I have various courses/sports/roles which keep me busy most evenings, plus family commitments as well, so intense friendships feel like a bit of an inconvenience. I would rather spend my free time developing skills or being involved in a project I'm interested in, than just drinking and chatting with people and not feel I've achieved anything at the end of the night.

123rd · 22/03/2015 01:14

It's odd. I too have close friends that I would turned to in certain situations. I don't have a best friend anymore. And after being hurt by one person in particular I won't again. But I do miss that sort of relationship. Knowing that I won't have it again saddens me. I also worry that I will turn out like my parents Hmm. They have literally a handful of friends( dads ex work mates tbh) I don't want that to be me in the future. But I also think it would be very easy to slip into that sort of situation. Friendships shouldn't be a chore but they do take work for them to thrive.

kickassangel · 22/03/2015 01:28

I have quite a few friends, but none of them fit that best friend category. I think if you have something in your life which gives you satisfaction (I have a job I love, a college course that really engages me, and I enjoy just hanging out at home with DD and DH) you maybe don't need a best friend in the way you did when you were a teenager trying to prove to the world that you weren't a child beholden to your parents.

There are people I know and trust to step in during an emergency, and ones I can talk to about my life in general, but I don't need another person for emotional support.

I've also found that some people that I get on with think that being friends means that I must like everything that they do and agree with them on everything. I find that exhausting. I'm much more live and let live.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 22/03/2015 01:31

Posted up above about having "horse for courses" friends and some extent that also impacts who I'm there for versus who is there for me. Very few people were there for me (including DH) when DS2 was diagnosed with autism - to some extent that has made me a lot less dependent on people as I just had to get on and deal with it.
Several people since then have realised their support was lacking then, but. Doesn't change that I had to get on and deal with it
Without them, and that changed things. Still there for them and most have since come back, and have forgiven. But it changed the friendship.

butterfliesinmytummy · 22/03/2015 01:32

I've moved countries 10 times in 22 years. I have lots of friends in different countries, friends to go away with, friends who I can rely on in an emergency, friends I catch up with after years and we just click right back where we were ... but no "bff". I guess DH is my best friend - I've known him for 17 years and he knows me best.

aurynne · 22/03/2015 02:01

OP, in that case you just have not had a real friendship. True friends are not hard work, they are exactly the opposite. They respect you, you feel completely at ease in their company, and you may not talk in a year, just to see each other and feel completely comfortable as if you had seen them last the day before.

I am very grateful for my good friends, they enrich my life immensely and make me happy just by existing.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 22/03/2015 02:21

Aurynne that is such a lovely post - how friends should be. How mine who get it are. (Not everyone gets what having a child with autism is like - many people who I thought were friends didn't make the transition).