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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if anyone else is not bothered about having close friendships?

73 replies

pearlesque · 21/03/2015 23:27

I find that the older I get, the less bothered I am about having close/best friendships with others. I have loads of friends and acquaintances to spend time with but the thought of having a really intense friendship with someone makes me shudder.

I think it's partly because in the past I have had a few bad experiences of being close friends with people and have just found it hard work, and partly because these days I just can't be arsed.

I try to get on with everyone but to just not get involved too much with people.

Am I the only one who feels like this because sometimes I just feel a bit odd because of it?

OP posts:

Allofaflumble · 22/03/2015 17:27

Big difference between choosing aloneness and being lonely. Imagine forcing yourself to endure friendships just to ensure you will not be lonely in older age? Bit like an insurance policy or staying with an unsuitable man in case you end up alone with no one.

Some people genuinely find friendships trying and wearing. Especially the best friend type. I would hate to be in daily contact with a BFF.

zeezeek · 22/03/2015 17:42

Gruntfuttock - I didn't mean to suggest that a parent is a burden to their children in that situation, sorry. Only that if children move away, have their own friends and family etc, it can be lonely for the parent left behind. However, I also agree that children and parents aren't friends and that it is not good for either party to pretend that they are. But then, that could just be me! I don't often even view my own mother as a human let alone a friend or parent!!

Mintyy · 22/03/2015 17:49

I have quite a few good friends but absolutely no one that I want or need to see more than once a fortnight or so. Some of my oldest friends I see once or twice a year. My best friend and I have lunch together about every other month and phone or text in between. She would absolutely be there for me in a crisis and vice versa but I don't want or need to live in her pocket and know all the minutiae of her life.

Gruntfuttock · 22/03/2015 19:53

zeezeek No, no, you didn't suggest that at all. That was me thinking what it must look like for anyone reading my post saying "My DH and DD are all I need", i.e. that that could end up being a burden for my daughter when my husband dies (he's older so is fairly likely to go first) knowing I have no one else but her. I wanted to point out that I was aware that situation could arise and that I didn't want that at all, that's all.

I can empathise with you feelings about your mother, btw. I don't believe I would have the problems I've had all my life if it wasn't for my own mother. However she still visits every Sunday ( has just left in fact) and I appear to get on with her OK on the surface, but we both know there's never been any bond there. She's almost 95 and has mellowed to the extent that she's almost human.

Charitybelle · 23/03/2015 07:02

Tutt, I suppose you're right, maybe I'm projecting my own negative feelings a bit. I just know that when I see my friends a bit too much or start to feel like they're relying too much on me it makes me uncomfortable. I totally understand that not all friendships are like that!

I suppose I do like to have people at arms length and just share things on my terms. Each to their own!

Flowergirlmum · 23/03/2015 07:16

I think that viewing your dh as your best friend is very healthy in a marriage. I know several people who seem to spend most of their social time with their friends. It seems very strange to me, but hey, each to their own.

WipsGlitter · 23/03/2015 07:24

I have lots of aquaintences - the dreaded (on mumsnet) "mum friends". This suits me at the minute I dint want deep and meaningfuls. I have a "best" friend but she lives on the other side of the world.

I had a good friend but she git married and has since slowly dumped me. It's hard becayse when best friend ^ cones home she wants to see us both but it's really awkward between us now. This year I'm thinking of saying I'm not going to meet up.

WipsGlitter · 23/03/2015 07:24

Multiple typos. I'm not illiterate, honestly!!

EBearhug · 23/03/2015 08:49

I think having her own friends and things she did by herself as well as the things they did together and people they saw as a couple was one of the things which helped my mother after my father died.

I have lots of friends all round the world, but no one local. It does bother me, but I seem to have lost the knack of making friends - everyone else seems settled in their lives without me.

LadyGregory · 23/03/2015 10:50

It sounds to me as though there are a lot of clashing definitions of 'close friendship' on the thread, so people are comparing apples and pears.

I am still a bit taken aback by the idea that adult women feel such social pressure to have an official 'best friend', because that seems to me to be a slightly school-age 'You're my BESTEST friend, not Sophie, and we won't play with her ANY MORE' thing, especially when, as on this thread, the idea of best friendship seems to come trailing ideas of intensity, frequent contact, time-consuming mutual obligations, complete mutual disclosure - and potential drama, exploitation and betrayal etc etc.

I'm not surprised anyone doesn't want that stuff. It sounds exhausting and a bit juvenile. And if that's the model of close female friendship you see around you and that you work off, I can entirely see why, particularly at times of family stress, you would want to withdraw.

I've never worked off that model, or felt I should, apart from during my (distant) schooldays. I've moved around the world a lot and like a previous poster, my closest friends are scattered from Sao Paulo to Oman. They are still important to me, and I have one friend I talk to on a weekly basis wherever in the world we are, but I don't have close friends I see on a regular basis where I live now. I don't tend to make friendships of circumstance, though there are two women I've become fond of where I live now, met through a toddler group.

TheHoundsBitch · 23/03/2015 10:59

I find the older I get the less I need friendships too, I think maybe it's because I have always just had one person who I was very close to and that person is now DH.
I don't want an emotional connection with friends any more, I just want baggage free company. I would never talk about my innermost feelings with a friend these days.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 23/03/2015 13:22

I was just reading a thread on here about a woman who got upset/offended about something particully stupid and thought "thank goodness i don't have many friends, I bet this is why I can keep male friends better"

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 13:29

I don't have really close friends who I share everything with, but I have lots of friends whose company I enjoy.

winniethewhoo · 23/03/2015 13:53

I completely agree with this! I keep finding myself in too intense friendships where I'm relied on to a point of discomfort for me. It's really turned me off close friendships but I'm worried that it'll bite me in the ass in later years and I'll find myself with NO friends and no drama...

cailindana · 23/03/2015 14:26

I think my position on this one is odd - can anyone relate? People seem to get obsessed with me, declare I'm wonderful, they adore me, I'm the best friend they've ever had. That sounds like a total unstealth boast but it's true, it's weird and I don't really like it. I thought since I moved house I'd left it behind but just last week my friend of 3 years (we met not long after I moved here) said "you're my best friend, I can't be myself with anyone but you, you've improved my life immeasurably," etc etc. All lovely stuff but god almighty I hate it. Why do people do this? We were fine, he was a great friend, and then he goes and declares all this and now I'm freaking out about it. This has happened 3 times before and it's always ended badly. People want me entirely to themselves. I just want friends that I can chat with. I can't figure out why it happens. It sneaks up on me. I can't figure out what to do this time. Argh.

cailindana · 23/03/2015 14:30

Oh and it's not like these friends want anything from me, on the contrary they want to do things for me. In theory it's all lovely but I can't handle it.

Maliceaforethought · 23/03/2015 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bodingading · 24/03/2015 07:31

I don't know why people jump straight to upset and offence when thinking of friendships. I can only recall one or two arguments with a friend as an adult. I don't really know how it would come about. If people annoy me I don't let them come round.

I would say I am probably a cold person, so it's easier for me to have friends. I'm not upset or burdened by them in the way people are describing. I enjoy them.

Cailin, I have had that experience too. I think it's just the way some people try to bond. I've got a friend that goes through phases of declaring me her greatest closest BFF etc, but it's ok by me cause I have strong boundaries and don't feel pressure to reciprocate (though I recognise she is exerting that social pressure). I also don't say "it's ok" when people say they're sorry over and over if it's not ok, which is an interestingly awkward standoff.

ChipDip · 24/03/2015 07:52

I disagree with this. I have two very close friends and can't possibly imagine not having them in my life. I just now that I can be in any situation and they would drop anything to help me and likewise.
I do feel sorry for people who have your outlook op, it's a shame that you miss out on these types of relationships.

KittyandTeal · 24/03/2015 07:59

Yep exactly the same. My DM thinks it's very sad but I've not had a best friend since school.

I have tonnes of friends that I can have coffee and drinks with, a fair few I can talk to about things that are bothering me if I want to but no really good best friend, unless you count my DH. Probably why I don't need one, I love with my best friend I guess.

Ragwort · 24/03/2015 08:07

I couldn't imagine life without friendships - I don't have a particular 'BF' but I am incredibly close to two girl friends I made at school - one of them when we met at nursery age 4 - over 50 years ago !! But we don't see each other every week or even talk on the phone regularly, in fact we met yesterday for the first time in 9 months.

I also move around the country a lot and find it is essential to 'make friends' so that you get to know what's going on, join in things, have coffee etc etc. Some of those friendships I keep up when I move away - some drift away - I have made friends overseas and now we are at the stage when our children can visit the other family which widens their opportunities.

My parents (in their 80s) are incredibly good at keeping up their frienships - they still have university reunions - this week they are meeting up with an old friend they first met over 60 years ago and staying in youth hostels. I hope I have their zest for life when I am their age!

I don't think i've ever had a major falling out with a friend, sometimes a friendship just drifts, once or twice I have felt people trying to be too 'needy' but generally I just meet nice people - perhaps I am lucky. .

Social isolation can be a real problem, particularly as people get older, it is fine saying that your children and partner are all in you need but sadly I volunteer with a lot of elderly people (mostly widows I have to say ) who are incredibly lonely.

CrispyFern · 24/03/2015 08:17

DD was asking me who my best friend was. I replied I didn't really have one and I didn't have time for one. I'd have to gooooo places and doooooo things with them (said in a teenage groan).
I don't have the space in my life for weekends visiting the Christmas markets and going to spas or chatting all night on Skype about our DHs or whatever people with best friends do. I can't be bothered. I am happy with a variety of pleasant acquaintances to be honest!

LadyGregory · 24/03/2015 10:07

Crispy, again, as I said up the thread, your idea of what a 'best friendship' involves doesn't match mine at all. I never discuss my husband, I talk to friends on Skype only as and when it suits us both - and the relevant time zones - and I have never set foot in a spa or Christmas market in my life. I don't think friendship is that doctrinaire, or that time-consuming! I'm a writer and spend the vast majority of my time alone, but my few longterm friendships are genuinely sustaining, low-maintenance and mutually-supportive, despite the fact that we are in contact seldom.

I wonder where the idea that friendships involve time-consuming outings, endless mutual revelations and a lot of 'work' comes from? TV? I also wonder about the feminist implications of retreating into your family after marriage/longterm partnering and/or children - are female friendships being sacrificed on the altar of domesticity? I adore my husband and son, but I certainly need more relationships than those two in my life.

Might it also be the case that people in jobs that involve a lot of colleague contact/compulsory socialising need fewer friendships? My husband is far more sociable than me, but his job involves a lot of team work and compulsory schmoozing and networking, so he tends to want to see just us in free time.

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