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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if anyone else is not bothered about having close friendships?

73 replies

pearlesque · 21/03/2015 23:27

I find that the older I get, the less bothered I am about having close/best friendships with others. I have loads of friends and acquaintances to spend time with but the thought of having a really intense friendship with someone makes me shudder.

I think it's partly because in the past I have had a few bad experiences of being close friends with people and have just found it hard work, and partly because these days I just can't be arsed.

I try to get on with everyone but to just not get involved too much with people.

Am I the only one who feels like this because sometimes I just feel a bit odd because of it?

OP posts:

Fugghetaboutit · 22/03/2015 06:46

I'm the same, op. I had intense friendships (not initiated by me) that I had to step back from as I didn't like it.
One friend would message me every day and I found it uncomfortable as it felt like another responsibility. I was 21 at the time and now 28.
Now I have friends I can call on to meet for the odd film/meal/brunch out of the blue, plus they all come to my dcs birthday parties etc.

eggyface · 22/03/2015 08:39

In life I think you are different at different times. We pulse in and out of being open to the world, and in some periods of life we are naturally more focused inwards on ourselves or DC or family. So I think it's perfectly fine to have periods where you feel that the energy going out of you to friendships is too much. On the other hand, we all have a deep need to be seen, heard, and understood in our lives. To have people, (other adults), helping us hold and process our experience, whether it's in a light touch way or a more daily level of checking in, is important to nurture and grow our spirits.

For a lot of us, our DPs and DHs are the first call for that, specially these days where a partnership is culturally expected to meet all our emotional needs as well as being a financial and practical relationship. Others have a mum or sister close by who they know is 'in their corner'.

DH and I have talked a lot about what we need emotionally and whether it's realistic to rely on each other for everything - much as we are each other's closest person I definitely need a bigger network. From talking to my friends, I think it's common for life to get a bit staid, a bit less colourful, a bit less joyful if you just focus on the daily grind. Then both you and your partner get stuck in the daily transactions, and if there's nobody really 'seeing' you, you get a need for intimacy. This is when I've seen people become very vulnerable to affairs, or maybe other bad choices such as falling into friendships with needy intense types.

So the upshot of this essay is that I think we lose friends at our peril!

comingintomyown · 22/03/2015 08:50

Ive always had close friendships and now at almost 50 have several really good friends. My friends were what saved me when my marriage ended and what makes my life so enjoyable now.

MistressDeeCee · 22/03/2015 09:12

I have 2 very close friends. Thinking about i now..I'd hate the thought of growing old and suddenly realising I've no friends. I love my OH & I'd also count him as a friend, but there's no way I could do without female friends

sonjadog · 22/03/2015 09:35

I think it is important to maintain some friendships that are closer than just being acquaintances. There will come tough times in life when you will need people around to support you.

BigPawsBrown · 22/03/2015 12:21

I feel totally opposite and feel sorry for women without best friends. Female friendship really helps you get to know yourself I think (the whole, "you too?" thing) and my DP while chatty is pretty matter of fact about things I like to discuss - career stress or whatever - and so I talk to my best friend every Sunday for two hours

springthing · 22/03/2015 12:27

I have had lots of tough times and in a way it's made me much more independent and resiliant, and less in need of friends. I think I know myself pretty well without the need for female friendship. I don't feel I need to be seen or understood in my life, I'm just an independent person generally and have never understood the wish for moral support or handholding. When I've had issues then I'm more likely to seek practical help using professional advice, than a shoulder to cry on.

spoonjarjarspoonjar · 22/03/2015 12:33

I do feel the need for close friends, but unfortunately I'm just not able to make any.

It's OK at the moment in a way, because I have a young child and a husband. I do look to the future with some fear, as I worry I'll end up alone.

babbityann · 22/03/2015 12:36

I have 6 close friends and lots of friends that 'I pick up where we left off with'. I am not reliant on any of them but have discovered that two friends were amazingly supportive during a crisis.
I rarely go out on 'girls only' nights prefering mixed gender socialising and would absolutely never even consider a 'girl's weekend' away'!
(PS: I went to an all girl's school and this put me off large groups of females forever. My daughters are at the local comp!)

SlaggyIsland · 22/03/2015 12:41

I do have some close friends but becoming less fussed about it as I get older. My DH works away a lot and I'd really resent giving up any time with him when he's home.
He is my best friend. I am relatively open with friends but I don't rely on anyone else emotionally or practically and, whilst I'd be more than happy to help a friend out I'd hate for them to rely on me on a longer-term basis.
I'm becoming more and more introvert and sometimes feel like screaming or crying when someone won't get off the phone or stop messaging me. I like the company of books.

bodingading · 22/03/2015 12:48

My BFF is like my second partner. We talk every single day and have done since we met a decade ago. I have her in a chat window and just message back and forth. We mostly talk about our work, tbh, instead of Feelings or Life, because we are both workaholics.

I don't need to think about her or make an effort to make time for her. It's not even really like talking to another person. It's more like thinking with two brains. My life has been immeasurably enriched by her. I'd never give her up.

Gruntfuttock · 22/03/2015 12:53

I haven't got any friends at all, close or otherwise. It suits me fine. My husband and my daughter (adult) are all I need.

Laura0806 · 22/03/2015 13:05

I wonder if this is an age thing. I have always loved female friends and growing up always had a best friend or two. Even until recnetly I have wanted those close female friendships and where we live do have a lot of friends. But recently, the demands of family have got greater and I find invites to do things (where you are expected to reciprocate in time), requests for help and constant texts and emails draining and stressful. I just want to retreat into my shell. Maybe Im just getting old x

The80sweregreat · 22/03/2015 13:21

I have a friend from Infant school. We see each other rarely, but when we do meet up it feels like we have seen each other every week. its nice, but not all consuming and it doesn't bother us if we go years without seeing one another, a quick email or text now and again is okay.
I do miss having other friends around sometimes, my DH has more mates than me ( and more hobbies) and it can get a bit lonely, especially as so many have dropped off the radar over the years. I have tried to make friends locally but been given the brush off. its the way it goes I guess.
Hidden, I am sorry that you have had such bad experiences.
Its hard, a lot of people tend to just stick to family as friends. its all horses for courses I suppose, but It can also be a a bit of a minefield too and harder to make new friends as you age I think ( just my experience). social media doesn't help if you see pics of people having a great time and your not too!

zeezeek · 22/03/2015 13:31

It does worry me, seeing people saying that their DH and DC are all they need in life - what happens if the relationship breaks up? When the DC leave home and get their own families/friends? Friends and a social circle outside of the family are vital to maintain independence.

springthing · 22/03/2015 13:44

I had no close friends before I met DH and had DC either - really none since my school days. So I expect I'd go back to that way of living alone if our relationship broke up and DC leave home. I was still certainly independent then, I have always been happy with my own company.

Gruntfuttock · 22/03/2015 14:24

zeezeek, Yes I understand completely what you're saying. In my case there are "extenuating circumstances" re. my mental health. When I have had friends and have spent a perfectly happy, normal time with them, chatting, laughing etc. I'm absolutely fine...... until afterwards, when I'm on my own.
I wrote a lot more to try to explain, but deleted it all. Too personal, too boring to read. Severe lifelong depression and low self-esteem is the short version. I'm well aware of the risk of unintentionally becoming a burden to my daughter at some time, because she knows I am alone. Trust me, I will do everything I can to avoid this happening. Yes, that does include trying to find a social life of some kind, joining things, talking to people, even making friends! For the time being, though, I really am better off without any friends at all.

DarkHeart · 22/03/2015 14:30

I am really happy with my own company and I know that others struggle to understand and in some cases believe this. I do try maintain some friendships but if I am totally honest it is mainly because I feel guilty if I don't. I really would be happy alone.

Tutt · 22/03/2015 15:01

I have 4 very close friends who I love and couldn't see me life without.
My DH is my BBF BUT he doesn't/can't fill all the needs that a friendship is about.
I don't understand why you would be ok letting really good relationships go.

My DM let a 40 year friendship go and then her DH died, now she has no DH or BF, for me to put all on my DH is unfair and really quite a responsibilty that he doesn't need.

Children aren't friends so why spoil that relationship?

I love my own company but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my days totally alone, friendships are so, so important, it's only when it's too late some will find that out.

kickassangel · 22/03/2015 16:44

I think that there's a difference between no friends and no BFF. I have many friends that go back several decades, and plenty of current ones where I live, but no-one that I see as my bosom-buddy. I just don't feel the need to have a confidante. I get a LOT of social interaction, and go out and socialize, but I just don't need one person to be a best friend type.

Charitybelle · 22/03/2015 17:02

I'd feel suffocated by a BFF type relationship. I have lots of friends, some close, some less so, but I like the freedom to go through phases where I see some more than others.
People are just different in their needs. I am realistic that this lack of someone incredibly involved in my life means that there may be times when I need support and it won't be there. I just have to remember the payoff which is that I don't have to be that person for someone else.

Sounds cold when you write it down, but I am actually a warm and friendly person, I just like to keep it superficial. My dh says I find it difficult to trust people, which is definitely true, but I would find it emotionally hard to sustain a co-dependent relationship with anyone other than immediate family.

Sallystyle · 22/03/2015 17:11

I often think I want to make friends.

I have lots of people to say hello to and people I could go to if I needed some support but not many people I actively socialise with.

I do have a best friend. I have known her now for 12 years and our friendship is very relaxed. We can go months without speaking to each other and then we have times where we will see each other every couple of weeks. I like that kind of friendship. We aren't offended or hurt when we don't speak for months and we will easily slide back into our friendship when we feel like it.

So i'm not really sure I can bother with the effort of making new friends after all.

MistressDeeCee · 22/03/2015 17:13

I read something quite recently saying the people felt lonely when elderly, that is people who didn't maintain friendships...but now its no longer elderlies, the "lonely phase" starts earlier..50s onwards. Im not surprised by that. Lots of people are busy being busy, doing what generations have always done before them but somehow nowadays that translates to no time for relationships outside their immediate family. It seems sad, to me..we are social creatures no man/woman is an island. Im not the kind of person to ever want lots of friends but 1 or 2 close is fine. I wouldn't want my OH to be reliant on me for sole companionship/friendship either, Ive been there before with an ex and its so very suffocating. Especially when DCs have grown and left the nest. I think friendless loneliness will be the norm, soon enough..the impact just hasn't been felt as yet

Sallystyle · 22/03/2015 17:19

I also think my mum takes the role of best friend and I often wonder if I will want a really super close friend when she dies.

I know she is my mum but there is nothing I can't tell her. I can talk to her about sex if I wanted, I love going shopping with her and I love going for nights out. She is a great laugh and I so comfortable talking to her about any problems. Between her and my husband I get my needs met but I am aware that one day I might regret not forming closer relationships with other people.

So I am wishy washy. One minute I want more friends then the next I don't.

Tutt · 22/03/2015 17:20

Charitybelle I don't know what your definintion of BBF is but incredibly involved and co-dependant aren't what I would call friendships.
Both what you have described to me shout dysfuctional and suffocating.
That isn't a friendship and co-dependancy is not a good place to be in any relationship, incredibly damaging.

My BBF's don't live in my pocket, I don't have contact everyday/week. If we do that is lovely but if we don't that is lovely too as we are all busy and don't demand/interfer in our friends lives, friends enhance and embelish.

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