I don't think I am, but I feel bad, and I'd like some ideas of what I can do to make it all better.
Name change and a few minor details to protect anonymity etc.
It's DP's birthday in a few weeks. Not a big one, late thirties.
We discussed today what he would like to do. He would like to have a large number of friends/partners/kids around for a BBQ, including his ex wife.
(DP and I have lived together for two years. We have 2 young DC at home, and he has 3 older DC to exW - one an adult with kids, one living independently and one teen living with mum.)
I don't feel willing to do exactly what he would like, for 2 reasons. Firstly, I am completely uncomfortable with having such a large gathering at home. I would estimate that he wants to invite around 20 adults, and they would have about 20 kids of all ages in total between them. I'm just not comfortable with this number of people. I also know that a few of them have exhibited behaviours at other gatherings that I am not willing to have at home. In particular, excessive drinking, cannabis use, and "rowdy" behaviour eg doing burnouts up the street etc. Some of them have children who disrespect other's property and I have had to "tell off" some of the children who have visited before for doing things like digging holes in my driveway - harmless but annoying.
I am a known professional in a small town, as well as being a middle aged introvert, and I just can't handle this idea.
I have offered him that we could host up to three couples with their attached children, I can do that, but he said no, as other friends would get annoyed that they weren't invited, and that the older kids would be upset that they weren't specially invited. (All the kids have been here multiple times to visit. They all live locally, they know they are welcome to visit anytime, I get on well with them all etc etc).
Which brings me to the second reason - I don't want to have his exW here.
He has almost no contact with exW - all kids organise their own contact with Dad when they want. He won't go to exW's house if there is an event for the kids there unless I go too, as he says he feels uncomfortable around her. He talks about her to me in private disparagingly, nothing nice. So why does he want to invite her to the party? Because he says that she will expect to be invited if the kids are, and that it will cause upsets if she is not.
Last year, I/we invited the exW over for a few social gatherings (smaller ones!) involving the kids. There were no issues, with this, except that it didn't feel right to me. And I don't want to invite her to my house for the foreseeable future.
I suggested as an alternative inviting a few friends out to lunch at a local pub but he said no, and I'm not sure why.
I've also said I'm happy for him to participate in his hobby that day - there is an event on that he was thinking of going to but he has decided not to. I will do presents and cake for him with the 2 younger DC of course. I will do a favourite meal with local delicacies etc, stuff that we don't eat much due to expense. One of the older kids will definitely come to visit with her partner, I'm not sure about the other two - they are more than welcome, but for some reason I don't understand even after talking about it for two years, we can't invite them formally to come over without asking their mother to come too.
What else can I do to make the day special for him? And am I being very unreasonable? He sort of had a "well don't bother, I know it's all too hard for you" attitude, but I do want to make it a fun day, but I just can't do a large free-for-all gathering.