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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its ok for my kids to stay with my parents

82 replies

seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 09:57

Hi

My mum and dad own a caravan. During the summer months they take my DC to it for the odd weekend. And in the summer holidays me and dh will go too.

My Dbro wife told me its irresponsible to let mum and dad take the kids for 2 nights to their caravan. My kids are 11 and 5 and my mum and dad actually ask to take them. It does make life easier for me and dh, as we obviously get a weekend off. However I don't ask my parents to take them, they ask me. They went once last year and the kids loved it. Mum and dad aren't particularly old or in bad health and have a great relationship with all their gc. My parent have also offered to take dbro and sils kids on a different weekend (i think they would struggle with 4 kids at once) which they refused. Fair enough.

I have to admit that when sil said this I was shocked and pointed out that she left her ds with her 14 year old cousin over night while sil, dbro and the cousins parents stayed in a hotel an hour away. I didn't say anything to her at the time as that was her decision as its her child. I was trying to point out that, its not really anything to do with her and she does stuff I wouldn't do. She was very offended and walked out if the kitchen. Dbro says she is annoyed with me. I feel a but 'meh' about her being upset tbh. I told dbro that she needs to keep her nose out of my business and not to start commenting if she can't take it back.

We already have a strained relationship as she like to tell me exactly what she thinks of my parenting choices. Ie I shouldn't work, I should baptise my kids (even though she hasn't baptised either of hers) etc. Usually i change the subject as I am close to my brother and don't want to fall out. Tbh she is a good mum, but just parents different to me. So I don't see a reason to comment on her choices. My nephews are safe and loved.

So aibu to let my kids go with my mum and dad? Also was ibu to point out that she has done similar things or things that I wouldn't do and still keep my mouth closed.

Thanks

OP posts:
CunningCat · 21/03/2015 12:00

Yanbu, plenty of gp have their GC to stay or take them away. They are lucky to have this quality time with them and will cherish these memories of their little holidays with GPS. Your sil is the one with the problem, not you.

HermiaDream · 21/03/2015 12:05

This reply has been deleted

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DecaffTastesWeird · 21/03/2015 12:13

YANBU at all OP. SIL and Dbro sound hard work. I wish I could say that in your position I'd tell them off, but honestly, I think they are making big enough twats of themselves on their own. I'd probably inwardly snigger at their behaviour and ignore SIL's stupid comments.

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 12:15

The only reason she give is that children shouldn't stay away from parents for more than one. Ever. There is definitely no question of Safety or anything like that.

Have been out just catching up on all the other bits. Will reply soon.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/03/2015 12:22

Sorry OP, I got confused Blush

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 12:26

I would say her relationship with my parents is ok. They do alot for her, they have the kids 1 full day a week. Run her to the supermarket, doctors appointments when she was pg. But a few events like this one have strained it somewhat. For example she told my mum and dad that she 'hates' women who have kids and work, actually hates them. Dad asked her of that meant she hated me, to which there was a small strop and some back peddling. I only found out because dbro rang to apologise and I didn't know what he was apologising for, then he had to explain it.

We all just want to get in with her, for the sake of dbro and the kids. Who are lovely. I really love my nephews, couldn't stand it if we all fell out.

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 12:28

worra lol, I confuse myself sometimes! Grin

OP posts:
marshmallowpies · 21/03/2015 12:40

I am really confused by someone criticising you for not baptising your children but not doing it themselves. V v odd.

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 12:53

marshmallows me too, although at the time she was planning to do it. Just never actually got round to it. Mum offered to pay for the food after when it was for about 30 people. Then she decided she was inviting over 80 people and having a sit down meal at the hotel they got married at. Was going to cost £1300 , mum couldn't afford that and the baptism never got mentioned again. Buts that's what she does alot. She says that people should go xyz , because that's what she is planning doing. But then doesn't actually do it. To me, though, if you really think children have to be baptised. You would do it asap.

OP posts:
Lucked · 21/03/2015 13:02

I think this all comes back to you working tbh to say that about working mothers is awful. I bet your children are happy, contented and well adjusted and it grates on her because it contradicts a belief held by her that children are damaged if the mothers work or if they are away from their parents for more than 24hrs. Also she can't spout her views on this freely because it would be (another) attack on you but she is also struggling to keep it to herself

Don't know what you should do about it, I am not sure she will ever believe there are ways to raise children out with her fixed ideals. Perhaps say to DB that you know she struggles to bite her tongue but unless your children are in actual physical danger it's best if she doesn't criticise your parenting. She will then feel pressure to prove she can keep quiet as you have suggested a character flaw.

base9 · 21/03/2015 13:03

Try to suck it up for dbro and nephews. It can't be easy. And you should keep letting your own dc go caravanning with their gps as long as you all are happy with it. your parents sound fun!

HazleNutt · 21/03/2015 13:04

because if they stay away from parents for 2 nights, they'll turn into werewolves? She's a nutter.

Ludways · 21/03/2015 13:06

My dc go away with my parents for a few days (usually 4-5 nights, but this year 7 nights), every year since they were 3. They have a wonderful time and talk about their holidays all year long. Dc's are allowed loving relationships with adults other than their parents, we don't own them and so long as everyone is happy and safe, I don't see the problem.

Metalgoddess · 21/03/2015 13:08

Nothing wrong with that at all, ignore her!

Mrsjayy · 21/03/2015 13:10

I can't see what her problem is unless she is envious of your kids relationship with grandparents but she is being a loon a holiday with grandparents sounds fab and when or if we have grandchildren I hope to do the same

N0RMABATES · 21/03/2015 14:30

My DM is 66 this year and she looks after my 3 children and one of then has SEN.
She did used to be a childminder though but still she comes to my house and looks after them for long weekends so we can get a bit of a break and she does it all on her own.
She's fantastic!
No you are not being unreasonable of course, they have managed to bring up children themselves.
Your sil however is an unreasonable twat.

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 15:16

MrsJay I did wonder that. Although mum sees her children more often than mine. She has them 1 full day, then she goes to their house every Sunday. Mum does far more child care for them and even helps do their ironing when sil asks. Dbro has always been more dependent on them and I have always been more independent. Dbro was still eating breakfast and dinner at mum and dads and mum packed his pack lunch for work, when he was 30 and owned his own home. They would do the same for me if I asked, but I have never felt I need the extra help.
N0rma my mum worked in childcare too. The last line of your post really cheered me up.

I suppose I just feel down because every family gathering or event has some sort of negative comment from her. I even stopped going round to mums for coffee because (sil lives a few doors down) everytime I went round, she would come in and something would get said. I couldn't just relax at my own mums.

OP posts:
RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 15:26

What's your mums view of it seriously
Is she aware of how you feel?
Does she just want to keep the peace/get offended on your behalf?

Only asking because how horrible you feel like you can't pop into your mums for a coffee and chat without being dug out by SIL Sad

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 15:40

Mum is offended by her and gets upset with her. However she has only said something once. Sil basically ruined a weekend away me and mum were on because we hadn't invited her. Dbro rang dad and my dh ranting about excluding her. Sent me a shitty text etc. Which I would have understood, except we did ask her. Her and dbro forgot that I asked her when I booked 10 months previous. When we got back dbro had magically remembered and mum verbally handed them both their asses. Which was a First.

But usually its a case of letting it go, she worries about falling out with dbro.

OP posts:
RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 15:46

Does SIL have a good relationship with her own mother?

Maybe she's jealous of not your kids relationship with her, but yours?
Hence the having to pop in whenever you're there?

It all sounds really stressful!! Flowers

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 15:58

She has an excellent relationship with her mother and step father. Her and her mum go away for weekends away a couple of times a year and she stays over at her mums with the kids one night a week too.

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 16:02

My dad thinks its because she is an only child, he thinks she doesn't know how to handle dbro having a sibling. In her family her and her kids are the centre of the world, they are really very good to her and dbro. In our family there are 4 grandkids and, dad thinks, it makes her insecure. But I know lots of only children that don't act like this.

OP posts:
RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 16:06

God knows then!
I'd agree with the PP's that she is using these things as a way to feel superior to you.

Maybe she has a lot of doubts about the way she's raising her own children, hence the digs towards you.

I'd say that someone criticises others for not doing things they are planning (Like your christening example) is very insecure and that's their way of justifying it to themselves?

As I say, you have my sympathy, she sounds like bloody hard work.

Original poster
seriouslypeedoff · 21/03/2015 16:19

Thanks rocket its a shame as when they first got together, we got on really well. She used to come round for tea if dbro was away with work and we would go on days out together. When they got engaged mum said 'you always wanted a sister' my reply was 'she was already my sister' because we were really close.

She was a bit off running up to their wedding, i thought it was fair enough because weddings are stressful. But since she had her oldest child, Its just got worse and worse. What upsets me most is that dbro is the one ringing people and having a go because of they have upset her. With the weekend away, his assumption (before he remembered i invited her) was that i had done it to get one over on her. I am not like that at all and I would have thought he would have known that.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/03/2015 16:56

Seen your update I don't think she is envious because of the relationship she is jealous because her family isn't getting all the attention still a loon though