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Original poster

WWYD bridesmaid nightmare

70 replies

Jewels234 · 21/03/2015 09:52

Bit of a longy...

I am getting married in July, with 3 bridesmaids. Two are a size 8, one is a size 18. I have massively struggled to find a BM dress that they all love, but have found one (and to give all info, I am paying for the dress, plus everything else they need, plus hair on the day. I've asked nothing from my bridesmaids at all.)

The dress is by an expensive US designer, and to save on cost I bought the size 8 dresses on ebay (for roughly £120 each). For some reason, I have struggled to find the BM dress in an 18. I've been searching for months. As it's getting closer to the day I asked the size 18 BM whether she would mind the same colour/material/length dress, just in a different style. Around 3 other styles to choose from. She was really annoyed and said she wouldn't want that. Finally, the US website was having a sale, and I persuaded an American friend to buy it and send it over.

All fine, until I get it an realize the American has bought the wrong style. Completely my fault, I wasn't specific enough. It cost me £170.

So...what do I do? Either

A. Tell the bridesmaid that's what she's wearing. She will be hugely upset with me
B. Fork out for another dress (though without the sale will cost me around £250, money that I have, but would much rather spend on something else).

I've tried selling the wrong dress on ebay but no takers so far. The 18 bridesmaid is very self conscious of her size and won't want to stand out in any way.

OP posts:
CuttedUpPear · 21/03/2015 09:54

C. Give her the money to find her own dress that she feels comfortable in

formerbabe · 21/03/2015 09:54

I think you should buy the dress to be honest as it was your mistake.

FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 09:55

I can see why she feels bad. Here are the thin dresses and here am I looking different in my fat dress. If she feels self conscious it's going to be a far bigger deal to her than anyone else - other people won't notice or care but she won't believe that.

I think it would be nicer to not have her feel bad, even if that costs extra. If it's not easy to get her the same dress then what about getting a different dress for one of the other bridesmaids so that all three are wearing different dresses that compliment each other?

cosmicglittergirl · 21/03/2015 09:55

I think you'll have to get the same dress, you don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Could you sell all of the BMs dresses post wedding maybe to get back cash? I wouldn't mind giving a dress back if I hadn't paid for it, although no one has ever asked...

JemimaPuddlePop · 21/03/2015 09:56

A would be out of the question for me.

I paid for my 3 bm's dresses but they chose them.

I did put a couple of restrictions in place - I chose the colour and they had two options, either A) All negotiate and choose the same dress or B) All have the same colour dress but in 3 different styles...because I thought that having two in the same style and one in different would look odd.

I'd say you have to go with B. Chalk it up to experience and buy your third bm the dress that you agreed ALL of them would wear.

Floggingmolly · 21/03/2015 09:57

Tell her it's what she's wearing; she can feel free to pay the £250 herself, if it means that much to her.

TheIronGnome · 21/03/2015 09:57

I think you should suck it up and pay the £250. You said you can afford it, and thw wrong dress being bought before you have said was your fault. Can you not send the wrong one back? Have you contacted them directly to ask?

The whole things sounds like a bit of a nightmare but you've chosen the girls to be your bridesmaids, and you've chosen the dress, it's a bit harsh to make the bigger girl wear a different one just because of her size- which basically is what it is. I'm not surprised she didn't want a different dress, it's one thing them all being in different dresses but just one of them will look silly.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 21/03/2015 09:58

Phone the US company yourself, explain the situation. They might do an exchange even if they don't normally sell internationally. Promise to say lovely things about them on FB or something.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/03/2015 09:58

She's going to stand out no matter what you do.

Having the same dress as the other two skinny malinkses isn't going to make her blend in.

Hmm...

Does the "wrong" dress fit her? Does it suit her?

If so, I be inclined to ask her to wear it and tell her how good she looked. I don't think I'd be buying another dress.

If the wrong dress looks shite on her, then I'd... fuck I'm not sure. But in that case I would still think it was my problem to solve.

Branleuse · 21/03/2015 09:58

i think you should have each bridesmaid wearing a different dress. Two thin bridesmaids in one dress and a fat one in another is awkward and in all honesty a bit cruel. Make it look eclectic and trendy by having fun dresses that suit each of them individually and save heartbreak
Neither size 8 nor size 18 are difficult sizes to find

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 21/03/2015 09:58

I recently saw pictures of a wedding where all 4 adult bms were wearing different styles of dress - same colour, same fabric, same 'features' etc. They looked stunning and so much more stylish. I don't think any bms over the age of 10 look right in all the same dresses.

It's your day. If she's conscious about anything then she should not have agreed to be bm

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2015 09:59

Oh gosh that is a bit hard, I would sit down and talk to your sure 18 BM. It is a lot if money to fork out for another dress, as long as the one you bought is the same colour as the others, if I were your BM I would want to please you on your special day and wear the dress. Just be honest, tell her you cannot find that dress in her size, this the only ones in her size and colour, if she is still ungahhpy she doesent gave to be BM, she can do a reading instead. You are paying for the dress, yes she should be mindful that it might not might not be easy to find all 3 the same, especially such disparity in sizes.

diddl · 21/03/2015 10:00

I suppose there's no chance of the place exchanging it for the style that you want?

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2015 10:01

Good idea, give her the money, and tell her to find a dress that she feels comfortable in. Try and get a refund on the other one, through the auS company.

MidniteScribbler · 21/03/2015 10:02

Find another dress in the same colour for one of your size 8 bridesmaids, and have them all in different styles.

JemimaPuddlePop · 21/03/2015 10:03

Tell her it's what she's wearing; she can feel free to pay the £250 herself, if it means that much to her

She's also free to tell the op to fuck off, which is what I would do.

I was a bm for a friend a few years back and we came to blows because she was insistent on the specific hairstyle we wear - a really harsh, scraped back bun, no hair around the face etc. I'm not a difficult person, really...but I haven't worn my hair up since I was about ten (except for the gym). I have a high forehead and look bloody awful with my hair all scraped back. I seriously couldn't bear the thought of having to walk around like that all day and I would have withdrawn as bm before I did it.

icklekid · 21/03/2015 10:04

Does the dress you have look good on her? That would be matter more to me than them all being the same style. A size 8&18 even in same style is going to look different. Would it be cheaper to buy different style in size 8 so all 3 different?

AlwaysDancing1234 · 21/03/2015 10:04

I think maybe the 3 BM's should be in different dresses, not the size 8's in one type and the size 18 in another, making her size more obvious IYSWIM.
I had 3 bridesmaids totally different ages and sizes so apart from same colour the dresses were different to suit each individual.
You can always sell the dresses after the wedding to recoup costs

SueChef · 21/03/2015 10:05

What midnite said, might work out the cheaper option.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/03/2015 10:06

I remember being a bridesmaid when I was 15, and I was very slim, along one of the other bridesmaids. The third bridesmaid was a size 20 and something along the same lines happened - she ended up in a different dress to us.

She spent the dress fitting in tears, feeling wretched about how she looked, and held it together for the wedding, but cried at the reception as she thought everyone would think she was in 'the fat girl's dress.' She refused to look at the wedding pictures as she hated how she looked so much. She just wanted to blend with the other bridesmaids.

Anyway, back to you, this woman must mean something to you to be a bridesmaid. Would you feel okay knowing that she'll feel self-conscious and upset on your wedding day?

I'd spend the money. If you can afford it, why would you dismiss her feelings, particularly as it's actually down to your mistake?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 10:07

I can't believe people are expecting you to pay out again.

It was a genuine mistake.

Sit down and tell her this is the only dress available.

Bluetone · 21/03/2015 10:08

I agree with MidniteScribbler. 3 different dresses.

Original poster
Jewels234 · 21/03/2015 10:09

Thanks. Feels like the majority rule is I should fork out. Think I need to do that to stop any sulking on the day. She wouldn't look good in the other style (not a weight thing, but it would highlight a feature I know she hates).

OP posts:
OwlBeRightThere · 21/03/2015 10:11

Does she have a medical issue? Just wondering why she can't loose some weight in the next 4 months if she is so self conscious about being larger on the day.

Floggingmolly · 21/03/2015 10:11

£250 aside; I really do think that all three wearing the same dress, with that disparity in size, will make the larger girl stand out far far more than simply wearing a different style.

She won't "blend in with the other bridesmaids" no matter what they're all wearing.