Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

WWYD bridesmaid nightmare

70 replies

Jewels234 · 21/03/2015 09:52

Bit of a longy...

I am getting married in July, with 3 bridesmaids. Two are a size 8, one is a size 18. I have massively struggled to find a BM dress that they all love, but have found one (and to give all info, I am paying for the dress, plus everything else they need, plus hair on the day. I've asked nothing from my bridesmaids at all.)

The dress is by an expensive US designer, and to save on cost I bought the size 8 dresses on ebay (for roughly £120 each). For some reason, I have struggled to find the BM dress in an 18. I've been searching for months. As it's getting closer to the day I asked the size 18 BM whether she would mind the same colour/material/length dress, just in a different style. Around 3 other styles to choose from. She was really annoyed and said she wouldn't want that. Finally, the US website was having a sale, and I persuaded an American friend to buy it and send it over.

All fine, until I get it an realize the American has bought the wrong style. Completely my fault, I wasn't specific enough. It cost me £170.

So...what do I do? Either

A. Tell the bridesmaid that's what she's wearing. She will be hugely upset with me
B. Fork out for another dress (though without the sale will cost me around £250, money that I have, but would much rather spend on something else).

I've tried selling the wrong dress on ebay but no takers so far. The 18 bridesmaid is very self conscious of her size and won't want to stand out in any way.

OP posts:

whoopsbunny · 21/03/2015 10:52

I would do option B, and keep the wrong dress on ebay - it'll sell eventually.

plantsitter · 21/03/2015 10:52

Ha! The fact you've picked up on the one post that asks why she can't lose weight among loads of other helpful ones speaks volumes.

Ring the American company. Cry, or something.

NoWireCoathangers · 21/03/2015 10:53

Make the size 18 bridesmaid matron of honour so she will naturally have a different style frock.

RocketInMyPocket · 21/03/2015 11:26

JemimaPuddlePop

You came to blows because your friend wanted you to wear your hair in a bun?
Shit....

Branleuse · 21/03/2015 11:30

if i was the size 18 friend id be telling you to fuck off. You obviously think she has no right to be such a monstrous size. Your language about her suggests this so strongly.

I feel sad for her that she feels self conscious and ashamed of her own body. There are so many ways she could look amazing as a bridesmaid alongside your slim friends, but without singling her out to be the odd one out

MakkaPakkastolemystone · 21/03/2015 11:33

Ouch. I was on the fence on this until you mentioned it would stop "sulking" in the day. You don't sound very understanding here at all. Others have told you that it is about her feelings not childish sulking at all. You made the error, you choose the dress and now you're worried about her " sulking". If I was her and I read your posts, I'd save you the £250 and tell you to do without the troublesome sulky fat bridesmaid.

Original poster

Jewels234 · 21/03/2015 11:36

Some charming responses on here. I was simply replying to a poster's question. I would in no way expect her to lose weight to look a certain way.

The question is around cost, and whether if you are the bride paying for the dress you have the right to say 'like it or lump it'.

I've just found a discount code and asked the US friend to reorder for $265. I won't mention it to my bridesmaid, she doesn't need to know.

OP posts:

PiratesLifeForMe · 21/03/2015 11:45

You do have the right to say like it or lump it - but so does she.

Youre also right that there is no need to make her feel bad by telling her how much money you're spending. The fact you need to mention that shows that you think you're doing her a favour.

You do like this girl don't you?

Skiptonlass · 21/03/2015 11:46

I just let my bridesmaids pick what they wanted to wear and I paid for it. I asked them to run it by me first but they all picked something really nice, that they were comfy in and wanted to wear.

I've been forced into matchy matchy bridesmaids dresses so many times, made to wear towering heels that are painful, covered in makeup that made me break out etc. It just takes all the fun out of it. It's the brides day so I've done it without complaint, but it wasn't much fun.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 21/03/2015 11:51

Three different dresses is definitely the way to go

VelvetRuby · 21/03/2015 11:56

I'd go with the 3 different dresses too. Otherwise this bridesmaid will naturally feel like the odd one out.

RobbStarksBitch · 21/03/2015 12:17

I can't offer masses in the way of advice but I'm in a similar position. My sister is a size 6, my future sil is a size 20 plus. My sil has been saying for the last year she will lose weight but hasn't, now it's four months before my wedding and I still haven't bought dresses because I haven't known what size to but. For context I would be happy with no bridesmaids. They both want to be bridesmaids but it's causing more stress then anything else tbh.

I have to agree that going with 3 different dresses would be best. Selling on one of the size 8 dresses should be easy enough.

LapsedTwentysomething · 21/03/2015 12:19

Why did you begin with the size 8 dresses as the default? This is entirely your mistake. If you'd perhaps considered starting with something you were comfortable paying for in the size 18, that could be suitable for all three bridesmaids, you wouldn't have ended up forking so much out. This approach would be more likely to have worked given that designs are usually crafted with size 6-8 in mind which is why those of us who don't fit that default end up looking so conspicuous in dresses that work so much better in smaller sizes.

IsItMeOr · 21/03/2015 12:26

I'm unclear whether the wrong-sized dress is too big or too small for your friend?

If it's too big, would getting it altered be a cheaper option?

diddl · 21/03/2015 13:07

"The question is around cost, and whether if you are the bride paying for the dress you have the right to say 'like it or lump it'."

But you already gave them a choice which you agreed to.

The time to say it was too much was then.

You also say that it's your fault that the wrong style got sent, so you can't make her pay for that!

base9 · 21/03/2015 13:15

I can't believe anyone still dresses all the bridesmaids matchy-matchy. Give them a colour theme and a budget and let them sort themselves out.

PrettyLittleMitty · 21/03/2015 13:24

You made the mistake op, not your bm. Why should she be made to feel like crap for a screw up that you made?

PetraDelphiki · 21/03/2015 13:31

I was that size 18 friend (also 3-6 inches taller than the other 2). I ended up pulling out of being a bridesmaid because the bride wanted all of us in identical straight up and down dresses - she wouldn't even consider having them made in different styles...I was included for all the bridal party stuff but then the photog completely ignored me so the other two got lively posed shots of them with the bride and others with their partners... I'm still a little hurt by the whole thing!

PetraDelphiki · 21/03/2015 13:31

And that was about 18 years ago!!!

N0RMABATES · 21/03/2015 13:56

I don't like the whole dress them the same thing anyway so I would have encouraged them to chose different styles in the same colour, fabric & length. It gives them a bit of individuality and no one would feel left out regardless of their size.

Unless you can return one of the matching dresses or swap it for something different then you either need to suck up the cost of a matching dress or put your foot down and make her wear the dress you've already paid for.
I would make her wear the dress you've paid for personally because of her size she will look different anyway and when wearing a matching dress this will be even more obvious and I say this as someone who yoyo's between a size 14-16 so I do understand what it's like to be fat.
Good luck.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread