To think we have lost sight of what "thin" looks like as much as what "fat" looks like

[marmitenot]

Hi
My daughter is recovering (well) from anorexia. At her worst she was on the 3rd centile for weight for her height and age. The terrifying thing is that she did not look any different to many girls in her year at school and certainly nowhere near as skinny as many women/teens in the public eye. As parents we had no idea that she was dangerously underweight as she didn't look different to many of her peers.

There has been a lot of publicity of how society's perception of what is overweight has changed. Aibu to think that the same has happened with the perception of what is underweight is.

My daughter is now in the healthy weight range with a bit more to go, but out of danger and heading in the right direction.

No problem with anyone's who's slim.
The sheer repetition of the message is wearing. And curious.
At least to me.

Are you slimmer than average? If not, perhaps you won't have been subject to the frankly wearing and unpleasant messages that abound for people who are slim. Not a 'real woman', not healthy, diet-obsessed, honestly, they go on and on (I do realise that people who are overweight have it worse to some extent). I am 8 stone and 5'6". It's the fattest I have ever been. I'm 46. If I were 18, I'd be on the 11th percentile or something. I suspect I'm far lower than the 3rd percentile for a 46 year old, although the stats aren't available. That's not just because I am skinny (I am not, actually, that skinny in that I am bang in the middle of normal for body fat percentage) but also because a massive amount of people in this country are both overweight and also don't know what overweight looks like.

There is a huge culture of fat-shaming, yes, and it's wrong. But skinny-shaming is equally bad and a lot of people don't seem to understand this.

I haven't, btw, noticed Worra's posts about weight so I'm not particularly weighing in on her side or anything. I am just sick of the hostility to women who are actually naturally not fat.

Holiday
I'm not overweight.
I've not been overweight since 2001
BUT
I read, watch, listen
and have worked out pretty well what changes most people need to make
and am thick skinned enough not to worry when they get stressy at me on their journey

remember
a 5 ft 0 inch woman aged 50 only needs 1300 calories a day to stay a healthy weight .... if the whole country grasped that the NHS would be a sight cheaper to run

Opo ive never body shamed anyone. But let me tell you what losing a lot of weight and comments like "size 14 is seen as a normal weight" has done for me.

I wont have sex so choose to be celibate.....now wont risk the weight gain that would come with pregnancy.

Wont take hormonal contraception for the same reason. I gained on the mini pill despite sticking to slimming world When i stopped taking it i actually FELT my stomach deflate where the pill had blown it up....and weight started going down.

Ive told my husband (who is now disabled and hasnt wanted to DTD for many years anyway) that if im ever prescribed medication for ANY reason that has "may cause weight gain" or "may cause fluctuations in weight" on the information leaflet the meds in question WILL be flushed down the toilet

And ive never judged anyone for their size. OR made a nasty comment in the street I used to recieve plenty though before the weight loss. In fact i walked past a pub recently where a bloke winked at me and said "Alright darling You look niiiiice" A few years back the same bloke made a nasty comment about my weight.

And it deffo was the same bloke Because believe me we always remember.

Holidayornot I've also noticed Worra's posts on these threads but for good reasons not bad. Like Opopanax I often name change and also often comment on this topic and for obvious reasons say the same thing each time. You might have noticed me too if I had kept the same name for the last decade.

Most people do come onto topics that are dear to their heart, bit like Xenia/Jilly whoever she is called now always coming onto to SAHM/WOHM threads and saying how dull it is to have to pick up your children from school or push the hoover around. We notice her as even though she changes name her writing style and subject perspective is still the same. Be a bit weird if we changed our mind each time a particular topic came up wouldn't it?

marmitenot
My sympathy! I bet you wished you hadn't started this thread.
I wouldn't wish my DD's anorexic years on anyone. There is so little support out there. I felt we were abandoned . I convinced my dd to go to the doctor with me, ( she was 14 ) I practically begged for help ( periods had stopped , we'll under 7st, yellow skin, tired, weak etc etc) she was handed a list of the food she should eat and told to come back in 2 months!!!!! The whole family suffered. I described it as committing suicide slowly.
Fortunately we were in a position to afford to pay for treatment, with a lot of help and time she slowly recovered, we all did , but it's always there, in the background.
My very best wishes to you , your dd and family.

PS I don't give a damn about BMI, who's thinner / lighter/ taller / shorter . Black or white,
Until you have walked in the shoes of the anorexic, their parent/brother/or sister, and watched your child die a little everyday , I respectfully suggest you don't know what you are talking about.

skin im glad your daughter is better now.

The comments about thin women being somehow not real women etc have not been great for me psychologically either. Particularly as there is no actual way I could be fatter than I am now without actual fat injections or something which I don't think even exist. I hope I have never judged anyone for their size, either. I don't think I have. I've been yelled at in the street for being skinny so I totally get the horribleness of being judged for something that you have very little control over. I just don't like this 'oh, you're slim and you always comment on these threads' thing. Well maybe people like that comment on things like this because they actually do suffer in their lives from the weirdy idea that people who are thin are always mad and diet-obsessed. Just as much as people who are fatter suffer from the 'oh, FGS, just eat less and move more' thing. Maybe the whole 'you're thin, you must be at least borderline anorexic!' thing is really actually quite damaging for people who are just the weight they are and happen to accidentally be thin.

Maybe we should all stop commenting on each other's weight as it is clearly not the most interesting thing about anyone in the world.

Thank you HelenaDove

skin you're assuming that some of us who are passing comment don't have experience. Not sure why.

Opo i quite agree

Thank you studiozero, that's the thing about never name changing I guess.

Holidayornot my answer to you is because I want to.

However, if all you get from my discussions is 'how slim I am', considering I rarely mention my weight unless asked or it's relevant, I would suggest you're not reading them properly.

I also post on many, many other threads completely unrelated to this subject as you will know because I'm not a name changer.

I can't however recall seeing you and I am unable to see which threads you normally post on because well, you don't have a posting history to speak of under your current NN....

Whoops! And Opopanax

Bit of a tangent but, I think a lot of people, especially teenage girls and young women, are very concerned about, and very skilled about, how their social media photos look.

So, what used to apply only to actresses really- that the camera adds 7-10lbs, is now something that applies to anyone who is really active on social media.

I know a good few girls in their teens and 20s who look amazing on their facebook photos, but a little bit light for their frames in real life IYSWIM.

Just like it used to only be actresses and models who knew their best angles/how to pose for photos/do make up techniques like contouring that look great in photos but a bit OTT in person.

So a lot of people now guage their own appearance at what they look like in a photo, not what they look like in the mirror.

Moustache that is an excellent point. Its something us from Generation X didnt have to worry about.

Talkin please dont try to kid me its about the NHS being cheaper to run.

Because if thats what you cared about you would have been horrified at my suggestion of flushing meds down the toilet if they ever prescribe me meds that say "may cause weight gain"

I think something that many people lose sight of is (within reason) most people have a healthy weight that is right for them, rather than a one size fits all approach. So saying a size 14 is not healthy and a size 8 is isn't a very wise approach to what is "healthy"
Personally the only way I could be a size 8 would be to have an eating disorder, I have a naturally very curvy shape (not in a oh being overweight is curvy way) in a very large breast, and hips kind of way.
I think if someone is eating correctly, exercising and is happy, they are likely to be within a healthy range for them, whether that be slim in appearance or on the curvier side

A lot of these charts don't take ethnicity into account either,
I went to a private boarding school where eating disorders were rife. The borders were encouraged to get weighed regularly and a good friend of mine was flagged as underweight every time - we got changed for games together she was NOT too thin but we noticed that ALL the Chinese girls were getting flagged as underweight. These girls were tiny with size 2 and 3 feet but not necessarily much shorter than me or some of the others.
I have noticed recently though ( last 10 years) that Female slebs are described as a "curvy size 10" . size 10 was slim rather than curvy when I was growing up and I hadn't heard of a size 6!!

Hopping agreed. Chinese girls in general have a naturally small build, lighter skeleton and it would be silly to compare them to someone of a different ethnicity. The truth is that in general unless someone is far too thin, or quite a bit overweight, their health is not hugely impacted. If someone is eating right and being active they are unlikely to have weight related health problems, even if society perceives them as being too thin or fat.

Pretty sure myself and all of friends had BMIs of 16 at only 15 years old

marmitenot, I used the nhs BMI calculator and put in my height and weight from when I was 16. It came back saying that it was a healthy weight, but I'd lost enough weight that my periods stopped for a couple of years.

I am a size 12 normally and honestly I feel I could lose a stone to be healthier.

Vanity sizing has not helped perceptions of thin or fat. A size 10 in the 70s is not the same as a size 10 now. As a society we seem to just accept larger sizes as the norm. Just because the average is a size 14 doesn't mean we should all just accept being a size 14.

Glad to hear your daughter is on the road to recovery.