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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't sexist at all.

999 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 17:55

In my DH works on night shifts each of the wives/partners cook for all the men on shift.

I'm happy with it and so are all the other women, we have been doing this for years. It means they all get a hot home made meal.

The 1 partner of a new man who has started has pulled a strop and said it sexiest and very 1950.

The reason we all enjoy cooking them as we can step away from cooking 'kids' meals and kick up the heat on curries and jerk chicken ect.
While I accept that children do eat these kind of meals within our friendship group all these are always done mild.

IABU to think it is not sexiest.

In able to do this many years ago with the Christmas bonus they brought a George foreman, slow cooker, pressure cooker and a rice cooker. Due to H&S the only thing they haven't got is a deep fat fryer. But all the others have been PACT tested.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2015 20:27

Again. Great bumble
But I dont accept that is usual for most couples.
There is more involved thatn opening a bag of salad and most of the prep (and clearing up) is done by women.

bumbleymummy · 23/03/2015 20:28

Maybe in your experience Amanda - not in mine.

SilverBirch2015 · 23/03/2015 20:30

Same as most of us I suspect Bumbley.

How would you and your friends react if their male partner came home and said in their new job, the women cook a meal for the husbands on a rota. Would you be happy to do this without question?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2015 20:30

Well of course that is my experience. Why would I be commenting on yours?
Ime and that of everyone I know personally, that is the case.
And i suspect it is the case for ppl I dont know too. Which is why its a common joke.

MrsAidanTurner · 23/03/2015 20:31

I dont mind, I like DH being out in the garden, he doesnt hang out there, so I dont mind doing a salad to get him out.
I do potatoe salade, tomatoe salade and corn on cob, as a usual bargin basics week day fare.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2015 20:32

Love corn on the cob
But that isnt the point. Is it?

ilovesooty · 23/03/2015 20:38

Good question Silver

You might quite enjoy cooking but it doesn't follow that you'll necessarily be happy to cook for a load of men on a rota basis. And the man who enjoys messing about periodically with a BBQ isn't going to want to batch cook for 20 of his wife's colleagues because it's a nice thing to do.

bumbleymummy · 23/03/2015 20:51

Silver, DH would be happy enough to do it himself so he wouldn't ask. I might help him though. Even if I didn't want to join in I wouldn't criticise the arrangement the way the NC's wife did. I'd just opt out and leave it at that. I suspect most of our friends would be the same - some would join in and others wouldn't. each to their own.

Amanda, you seem to be suggesting that it's the norm and I can't say that I have found that to be the case. Yes, quite often men are the ones standing at the BBQ but they also help with preparation/cleaning too ime.

MrsAT - I love corn on the cob done on the BBQ. I'm getting hungry!

Thymeout · 23/03/2015 20:53

I think 'the nice thing to do' doesn't feel like a chore, if it's appreciated. Whichever gender is doing it.

ilovesooty · 23/03/2015 20:56

The fact remains though that the nice thing to do - ie the nurturing role is one generally expected of women and this new wife was judged for failing to comply with that expected behaviour.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2015 20:57

you seem to be siggesting its the norm
Yes I am suggesting its the norm for women to take a supportive and often, more arduous role in a bbq.
I am not suggesting that its not your experience. But i do believe it is typical.
And mrsturner's post supports that in a way. She likes her dh to be in the garden and facilitates that by making accompaniments to his bbq.

I don think there is anything wrong with nurturing, or supporting, or even salad.
Just that its erroneous to suggest that ther isnt a gender divide in meal making that underlines the expectation that women are supposed t serve men.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 23/03/2015 20:57

I really can't stand barbecues. This thread is reminding me why

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2015 20:58

Sorry. I mean I am not suggesting that your experience is not as you describe.

bumbleymummy · 23/03/2015 21:00

But Amanda - in the BBQ situation it's the men serving the women - they're doing the bulk of the cooking. (And ime the meat prep etc as well)

OrlandoWoolf · 23/03/2015 21:01

I don't think I've ever been to a BBQ where a woman is cooking. But I've been to plenty where the women are in the kitchen doing the preparation and the washing up. Or where the women offer to do the prep and the washing up whilst the men sit round staring at the BBQ and drinking beer.

GallicGarlic · 23/03/2015 21:01

The only thing I've really gained from this thread is an amusing fantasy in which bumbley and Jilly face each other in a debate entitled "What Is Womanhood?"

I'd cancel quite a few arrangements to see that Grin

SilverBirch2015 · 23/03/2015 21:02

Glad to hear that Bumbley. What would you do if approached by one of the woman and did not belong to your own like-minded social group?

OrlandoWoolf · 23/03/2015 21:02

bumbley

Really. Sitting round watching some meat cook. Whilst the salads, rice, potatoes etc are all being prepared in the kitchen, being served and then washed up.

Devora · 23/03/2015 21:03

bumbleymummy, why are you so persistently avoiding the suggestion that the text may have intended for New Wife's dh? It's entirely possible, isn't it? And if that is the case, she wasn't rude to OP or the other women. I can imagine her laughing as she responded to her dp (or so she thought).

ilovesooty · 23/03/2015 21:04

Interestingly how many fish and chip shops do you see where women get to do the fish frying and men are relegated to taking orders and the tedious wrapping?

OrlandoWoolf · 23/03/2015 21:05

I'm just disappointed the recipient didn't post on AIBU when she received the text and asked for advice on how to respond.

That would have been entertaining.

bumbleymummy · 23/03/2015 21:08

Silver - I would probably politely decline at the moment but say that DH would be happy to contribute (if he was). No swearing or comparisons to 50s housewives required :)

Orlando - as I've already said DH does a lot of the prep and I do the bare mimimum wrt salads etc. clearing up is usually shared between us. I'm actually a bit baffled by the idea that salad prep takes some people 48 hours Confused

ilovesooty · 23/03/2015 21:08

Very much so Orlando

TendonQueen · 23/03/2015 21:09

OK, I'm going to attempt another analogy. Trying to think of a comparable job where you have a team, likely to be all female, working a night shift in a physical job: I've come up with nursing and cleaning. There must be people on the thread who are, or have been, nurses or cleaners who've worked nights. Have you ever worked anywhere where all the team's male partners were cooking a load of food to be brought in to feed them all during night shifts? Would it ever even have been suggested?

GallicGarlic · 23/03/2015 21:09

It would have been perfect, Orlando.