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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't sexist at all.

999 replies

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/03/2015 17:55

In my DH works on night shifts each of the wives/partners cook for all the men on shift.

I'm happy with it and so are all the other women, we have been doing this for years. It means they all get a hot home made meal.

The 1 partner of a new man who has started has pulled a strop and said it sexiest and very 1950.

The reason we all enjoy cooking them as we can step away from cooking 'kids' meals and kick up the heat on curries and jerk chicken ect.
While I accept that children do eat these kind of meals within our friendship group all these are always done mild.

IABU to think it is not sexiest.

In able to do this many years ago with the Christmas bonus they brought a George foreman, slow cooker, pressure cooker and a rice cooker. Due to H&S the only thing they haven't got is a deep fat fryer. But all the others have been PACT tested.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 22:08

It's not do much about the cooking but the expectation of complying with defined roles.
That's been made clear in the implication that this woman by not complying breached those expectations.

bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 22:09

Some examples of how she could have replied have already been given. Yes, some MNers may have suggested equally/more rude replies but that doesn't mean it's right. You don't have to be rude to make a point.

SilverBirch2015 · 22/03/2015 22:10

Bumbley, it doesn't but ffs it's his meal. Do you really think in a group of 20 couples every single man is unable to learn or is incapable of enjoying the sense on independence it gives him. Conversely do you really believe each woman enjoys this group cooking?

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 22:11

But Silver it's just a nice thing they do for their partners!

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 22:12

I don't think it's rude to suggest that a wife asking another wife to batch cook 20 meals for their husbands is sexist and very 1950s.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 22:13

And I expect they were ever so grateful the bonus was spent on equipment for them. Hmm

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 22:13

Or aren't women expected to be rude nowadays?

I wonder if a gay bloke joined? Would his partner be expected to do the cooking as well?

bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 22:15

Silver, why are you extrapolating the OPs comment about her husband not cooking if the OP is ill to mean that 'every single man is unable to learn...' ? The OP has already said that some of the men may very well cook the big meal. Why do you assume that people are involved that don't want to be just because it's not something you would enjoy yourself? Some people seem determined to think the worst.

AlternativeTentacles · 22/03/2015 22:15

The sad thing about this thread is the complete lack of awareness of what sexism actually is by so many women. Or we assume they are women...

I never meet women like this in real life, I wasn't aware they really existed.

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 22:15

Personally, if I was the bloke, I would want to cook for my friends and show them what I'd done. Like a Come dine with me except the venue is the same.

You could come up with a speciality dish. And not just a fry up or a takeaway.

If the other wives are ill, what happens then?

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/03/2015 22:17

No more bonus will be spent, the stuff is already there.

Any one can cook, it's not a rule.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 22:17

Orlando - we can agree to disagree on that. I think swearing and calling a group of women a bunch of 50s housewives is a very rude way to say 'No. That isn't something I'd like to be a part of.'

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 22:18

The OP has already said that some of the men may very well cook the big meal

So - as the OP has acknowledged - there was no need to contact the wife.

That's the sexist bit. The idea is great. But the fact that the OP contacted the wife to ask her if she wanted to cook is the sexist bit. The person who joined should be the one who brings the food in - it's his problem to get it cooked. It may be his wife or him. But the OP should not have rung the other wife. But she's acknowledged that.

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 22:18

So why didn't your husband just contact his colleague then?

Enormouse · 22/03/2015 22:19

orlando then one of the other wives would chip in, obviously. Or the blokes would order a takeaway.

You can't expect the men to cook.

elastamum · 22/03/2015 22:20

I think the arrangement is fine, providing all involved participate willingly and not under pressure to take part. FWIW, it is the assumption that the DW should cater for her DH that is a bit sexist.

If you had rung me on behalf of my partner, when I had stopped spluttering, I would have politely declined and then suggested to him that he sort it out himself. Not because I wouldn't want to help him, but because I have a FT job of my own and simply wouldn't have time Hmm

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 22:20

Any one can cook, it's not a rule

Exactly. So I am glad you understand that ringing the wife and asking her to take part was the sexist expectation - even though I understand you wanted her to be part of it.

It should have been explained to the new joiner that food was brought in. He could have asked to have been part of it - or declined the offer. Then it was up to him to get the food in.

bumbleymummy · 22/03/2015 22:20

Alternative - just because people don't agree with you doesn't mean that they 'lack awareness'.

Original poster
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/03/2015 22:20

Because I was an idiot and didn't think it through.

I shouldn't have interfered.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 22:20

She might have acknowledged that but in a rather sulky way. She said "next time I won't bother".

I still think there's an implied judgement in "It's just a nice thing we do for our partners".

AlternativeTentacles · 22/03/2015 22:20

Any one can cook, it's not a rule.

Then why ask the wife if she wanted to be slotted in? You are backtracking now...you were quite clear in your original post that it was the wives and partners that did the cooking.

SilverBirch2015 · 22/03/2015 22:21

Goodness, a gay bloke allowed in this group? Do keep up, it is the 1950s in this alternate reality

ilovesooty · 22/03/2015 22:21

X post sorry.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 22/03/2015 22:21

Hmm.

I've been really entertained by this thread but there is so much of it that doesn't ring true.

Pallets are loaded into lorries on forklift trucks - that's the whole point of pallets - so these guys are forklift truck drivers right? So they aren't manhandling pallets but sitting down most of the time?

And there's 20 of them - 19 of whom are in traditional heterosexual relationships with a LT Partner who has the time, inclination, talent and capacity to produce a meal for 20 people every quarter. The other one of whom, being a penis haver, can't cook but yet produces the most difficult kind of meal to make in advance with limited kitchen space, prep time and the right utensils.

And they work in a place that has a kitchen large enough to store containers of food for 20 people (that's a big fridge) and the crockery/cutlery/condiments and the empty tupperware/containers while they finish their shift before collecting it to take home?

And they enjoy their food enough to want to eat curries and pulled pork at 4am? But they somehow seem to have missed the past two decades of JamieOliverMasterchefRickSteinExtremeEatingGlugofOliveOilPukkaMANsFoodforManlyMenWhoLoveCoooking propoganda that has persuaded every bloke with a barbecue he's a bit like Heston Blumenthal?

And none of them have dislikes, religious observations, allergies and preferences which would make finding 20 meals in common extremely difficult?

Right. OK.

OrlandoWoolf · 22/03/2015 22:22

piper

I bet you didn't expect this long a thread!!

You should have posted this on Feminist chat. Then you would have been really flamed.