Another MIL and PFB issue. I need help. Aibu?

[Maybebaby2015]

I am due to have our first baby in early June. In the last few weeks my MIL has been purchasing second hand, and seemingly stock piling, lots of baby gear. Not just clothes, but cots, Moses basket, baby chair/swing, etc etc. she has filled one of her spare bedrooms wth this stuff.

She claims she is "helping" us prepare for baby. I had no idea about any of this stuff till my husband told me and tbh I was angry. This is our first baby and i want US to be purchasing (whether new or second hand) the big things for baby.

The real clincher here for me is this, MIL is a smoker and smokes in her house. I actually didn't realise till I saw her doing it, then went to smell the stuff she has accumulated to discover it really STINKS of smoke. I am not a smoker nor can I abide being near someone smoking (personal choice and all that but please, not on me!)

I'm not ashamed to say I had a bit of a melt down about it to DH who keeps insisting it's "really not a big deal"

Aibu to say I wont take our baby into a house where people smoke inside? Even with the, I believe, half arsed promise of "I won't smoke inside on the days you visit"?

Aibu to say why on earth are you buying all this STUFF? It's not even nice, I don't want it, PLEASE stop forcing it on me?

Aibu to expect DH to say a little more than "please don't smoke around my pregnant wife or baby" he refuses to ask her to run big purchases by us.

Also, I would appreciate anyone who is more in the know than me about third hand smoke, things that smell of smoke, and if washing is a safe way to remove residue? I do worry endlessly about this sort of thing.

Thanks to anyone who got this far!

YANBU. Google NHS third hand smoke and you should get information to arm yourself with.

If it was just about your MIL collecting baby things I would suggest you cut her some slack, understand she is excited etc, but the smoke issue is different.

Regarding the baby visiting etc you don't need to have it all out now. Just don't do anything you are not comfortable with with regards to your baby's health.

If people start smoking around you just excuse yourself, and tell them why in a matter of fact way e.g. "Excuse me, my midwife says smoke is dangerous for the baby so I'd better step out".

P.s. YWBU to strop with your mother in law over the stuff she is buying. But it it ok to tell her you have picked out/ordered stuff already, maybe she could keep some things as spares. Graciously accept small things you don't want and bung them in a cupboard.

OP, I'm not knowledgeable about 3rd hand smoke, I'm afraid: maybe also post on the health boards as I'm sure there will be a lot of experience and knowledge there.
On the other issue, whilst it is kind of her to try to help, unless you can't afford the baby items, I think it is natural that you and your DH would pick and purchase them. There is no way I would put my DD near anything that smells of smoke: you are not being unreasonable. There is the real risk of a rift here, but your DH needs to put his big boy pants and firmly but kindly say no to his mother. Congratulations on baby!

I was about to say YABU until I read about the smoke. My MIL is a heavy smoker, she looks after my DSDs after school at her place and because they spend half the time and their mums and half the time at ours they offen have lots of clothes with them. Despite keeping them in bags upstairs in the back bedroom they come back absolutely honking of smoke. It's beyond rank. I have to wash it all even thought it's not been worn since it's last wash. We live in a 2 bed flat and when they bring it back it literally stinks the whole place out. There is no way I'd use a load of baby stuff that stank of stale smoke.

I think there is no option here but to be honest with her (re the smoke smell). Smokers usually don't notice the smell so she's prob blissfully unaware.

I wouldn't allow my baby to play with, wear or sleep in something that was covered in secondhand smoke - it's almost impossible to get it off unless it's the type of item you can leave outside for a couple of weeks.

I also would be quite uncomfortable about my baby visiting a house where someone smoked inside. Or indeed being held regularly by someone who is a smoker.

I don't think you're being pfb, the dangers of secondhand smoke are well documented.

There might be some info on the SIDS website. My MIL smokes in her house too so we don't go in the house. End of. She knows, but my DH was 100% on the same page as me so it was easier coming from him. Smokers increase risk of cot death, so no, YANBU at all.

YANBU, this would really annoy me too! My almost-SIL has a lot of baby stuff that she's generously offered us, but she's always said she understands if we want to buy our own stuff. Which is how it should be. And the smoking...ugh.

Smoking is vile so I don't think YABU at all.

Luckily, no-one in my family smokes but if they did, I wouldn't ever visit them.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

YANBU.
I would tackle the baby and smoking issue first. Make it clear that you will not be exposing yourself or baby to smoke. Avoid visits, saying, as PP said, that midwife recommends it. Show DH the evidence of the dangers of second hand smoke.
I personally wouldn't feel comfortable taking a baby to a heavy smoker's house. I am pretty PFB though, so I can't see if that's U.
Regarding the stuff. Don't use it. Accept it and chuck it. Or throw in the garage. If she asks why you're not using, say you couldn't get the smell of smoke out but appreciate the thought.
I felt the same about wanting to buy all our own stuff and we did, but a lot of GPs love shopping for their grandbabies so I didn't come down too hard when we were given stuff I didn't want. I saw an old lady in asda once, grinning ear to ear picking up a £5 pair of Frozen pyjamas. It made me cry hormonal wreck thinking how much joy she was getting from buying something for a child she loved. So I'm a bit nicer to MIL now when she buys me 3 snowsuits and all the socks in the world.

Does your MiL know about second hand smoke dangers? She just might not realise the impact of it and so is happily carrying on regardless.

As for the big purchases, someone needs to talk to her if it's a big problem and ideally that's your OH. Of course, there's a lot of kindness in accepting smaller gifts you don't want and just putting then in a drawer somewhere and forgetting about then. When you have a newborn you get loads of gifts you wouldn't buy yourself but the thought behind them is the main point.

Oh and congrats OP!

At first I was going to say YABU - she's clearly excited. . . why you don't you have a chat and say if you really to buy the baby something we'd really appreciate XYZ item etc. BUT
then I read about the smoking part. That's the big issue. Absolute no no.
If your DH doesn't seem to understand just how big of an issue this is , does he go to any of he midwife appointments with you? If so, just mention to her that someone has bought you some items and are storing them but they smoke in the house and the items smell. You've heard this can can be problem, cab she provide more information? Hopefully the midwife saying no don't use them and going into the reasons why will help him better understand.

Oh dear op first of all calm down and breathe. You don't need or should need to be focusing on anything apart from yourself and the baby at this stage.

I think by all means either accept or reject any stuff mil gives you. It's totally up to you as it's your baby but I would think mil is just being kind and helpful so if possible be diplomatic. A new baby can turn normal people into loons with excitement so she will calm down at some point.

Oops posted too soon.

Was going to add the smoking is a hard limit. ( 50 shades) so just say we love to see you mil but of course you know how dangerous it would be for the baby to be in a smoky atmosphere so we can't bring her to your house at least until she's older.

It might inspire her to pack up.

When I was a TA you couid tell the children from smoky homes as their hair stank of fags as did their book bags. Poor mites.

Best of luck with the baby and try not to worry. Get your dh to chat to the midwife who will set him straight about the smoking around the baby.

YANBU. I wouldn't let my children play with toys or wear clothes that had been stored in the home of a smoker.

When I was pregnant with ds1, mil smoked. I refused to visit her with the baby as I didn't want to expose ds1 or myself to second hand smoke (I had reasonably poorly controlled asthma at the time). She was welcome to visit me but not smoke in my home. Ultimately she gave up.

Just a thought, but are you sure she's going to give it to you? My mil did this, but she was keeping it all at her house under some misguided impression that the baby would be staying at her house a lot (no idea where she got this impression, she only lives down the road from us and is also a smoker).
When I was pregnant with pfb, I noticed her buying all this stuff and just didn't say anything. She never mentioned it to me or asked if it was ok, and I never raised it with her because she's an adult and can buy what she likes with her money. As it turns out she hasn't done any babysitting for either of my children, mainly because of her chain-smoking, but there are other issues around her competence to look after small children. I have no idea if she's annoyed at not getting to use all the stuff she bought but if she had tried to give it to me I would have said thanks but no thanks, we have already made our own arrangements.

So basically I don't think you are being unreasonable re the smoking but I think you should forget about the baby stuff as she hasn't asked you about it so I would see that as being nothing to do with me. If she tries to give it to you, say no thanks politely, citing the smoking. If she wants to have the baby at hers, just get your DH to discuss with her why that's not a good idea, again citing the smoking and refer her to all the evidence that it is vv bad for babies and children to be around second hand smoke. Sorted

My MIL and mother gave us money to buy things for the baby. We did the same with our sons/DILs. I think it is part of the "nesting" that you want to buy things and prepare, well I assume that is it because when I was pregnant was the only time in my life I enjoyed shopping.

Sorry I don't know about third hand smoke but obviously they shouldn't smoke when in the same house as baby.

YANBU. I would not accept anything that had been stored in the house of a smoker. I also don't understand this crazy guise of "helping" - it's not "helping", it's interfering. Your MIL has had her children and been able to buy all the stuff required - now it's YOUR turn. That means that any big stuff she buys, she should not buy it unless she gets the go ahead from you first and it certainly is not to be stored in her smoke-filled house.

Given that she's already bought a truckload of stuff without consulting you first, tell your husband to deal with it. You will not be accepting it, and that in future she should come talk to you first. Perhaps she has this idea that you'll be staying over once the baby gets here and so she's actually kitting out her house so you need to set her straight on that too as there's no way I'd be visiting a smoker house with a baby. Also, if she intends holding the baby then no smoking beforehand, hands scrubbed (goes without saying regardless of smoking or not) and she changes her clothes. Smoke is v dangerous for babies so if she gets offended, that's her problem.

smokefree.gov/secondhand-smoke

There's some useful info here OP.

It's kind of her to buy all that stuff, and it's lovely that she's excited, but it's simply not possible to put an infant in clothes or equipment that have been in a smokey atmosphere, especially sleeping equipment. It's a massive risk factor for cot death among other problems.

My father is a smoker and has had to adjust to grandchildren. He now only smokes in a shed in the garden (he's not allowed in smoke in the garden in case the children are playing or see what he's doing and think it's ok), he also has to have a complete wash and change of clothes when he comes back indoors. He doesn't really agree with this but has to accept that all of his choildrem have respiratory problems which we are not going to expose our own children to.

I am quite a relaxed parent but smoking is a no go area for me. I would not allow my child however old in the house if or us smoked in regularly. I would also refuse anything offered to you because of the smoke. I bought a little electric car for my son secondhand. Didn't think to ask about smoking and my husband picked it up. However much I have cleaned it etc you can't quite get rid of that smell of smoke. Just horrible. The idea of a newborn smelling of smoke is really horrible. I would say if she wants to hold the newborn she needs to not have had a cigarette for 2 hours before and have showered and changed her top.

As a GM I can remember the excitement of waiting for new GCs and wanting to help the new parents to prepare. With my DD we asked if we could buy the pram, they chose what they wanted and we ordered it for them. With DS they told us what they wanted and we gave them the money. My point is that we loved being involved and contributing but going ahead and buying loads of stuff without discussing/asking first isn't quite the same thing. Buying second hand stuff without discussion is even more of a problem unless you know exactly where it came from.

Us GPs do get a bit over excited at times but need to remember not to get in the way of the excitement and enjoyment of the parents. If we overstep the mark perhaps a bit of compromise and a gentle word could sort it out?

The smoke issue is a separate and more important problem and in my view no compromise is possible. Babies and children shouldn't be anywhere near smoke and shouldn't be expected to use items that may have smoke on them.

I had a similar problem with my MIL with her giving us things for DD that stunk of smoke. If she gave us clothes, I gave them a good wash and that seemed to do the trick. Other things that I couldn't clean the smell out of would get thrown out. I never took DD round to MIL's house when she was a baby and tbh I've limited visits even now because even after a short time with nobody smoking, DD's clothes and hair stink of smoke.

I find it hard to believe that people aren't aware of the dangers of second hand smoke now but clearly that's the case. It seems crazy that anyone should have to point that out to someone.

Congratulations on your baby

The smoking issue is one that bothers you, and yanbu for your opinion on it. I'm slightly confused though. Have you only recently discovered she smokes in the house? Had you never noticed smells before? What about the storage room, is it at all near where she smokes or closed off? Um just asking because, obviously you want the best for your baby, but maybe your over thinking it a bit? If they genuinely reek though, I wouldn't use them. New or second hand, only good quality will do.

My midwife asked if anyone who smoked would be seeing the baby & said to be safe, if they were going to see them frequently they needed to keep a spare set of clothes at our house that they never smoked in and change completely before touching them - and also no-one should cuddle the baby within 20 minutes of smoking.

No way would I have any baby items that stank of smoke, whoever got them.