Another MIL and PFB issue. I need help. Aibu?

[Maybebaby2015]

I am due to have our first baby in early June. In the last few weeks my MIL has been purchasing second hand, and seemingly stock piling, lots of baby gear. Not just clothes, but cots, Moses basket, baby chair/swing, etc etc. she has filled one of her spare bedrooms wth this stuff.

She claims she is "helping" us prepare for baby. I had no idea about any of this stuff till my husband told me and tbh I was angry. This is our first baby and i want US to be purchasing (whether new or second hand) the big things for baby.

The real clincher here for me is this, MIL is a smoker and smokes in her house. I actually didn't realise till I saw her doing it, then went to smell the stuff she has accumulated to discover it really STINKS of smoke. I am not a smoker nor can I abide being near someone smoking (personal choice and all that but please, not on me!)

I'm not ashamed to say I had a bit of a melt down about it to DH who keeps insisting it's "really not a big deal"

Aibu to say I wont take our baby into a house where people smoke inside? Even with the, I believe, half arsed promise of "I won't smoke inside on the days you visit"?

Aibu to say why on earth are you buying all this STUFF? It's not even nice, I don't want it, PLEASE stop forcing it on me?

Aibu to expect DH to say a little more than "please don't smoke around my pregnant wife or baby" he refuses to ask her to run big purchases by us.

Also, I would appreciate anyone who is more in the know than me about third hand smoke, things that smell of smoke, and if washing is a safe way to remove residue? I do worry endlessly about this sort of thing.

Thanks to anyone who got this far!

I know how you feel.

Mil is a heavy smoker and stored stuff in her car. She used the car to sit in and smoke because she wasnt allowed to smoke where she lived and it was cold out side. I used to be amazed that she would drive away with the windows up, lighting a fag up inside would be thick with smoke.

Big purchase I went out and bought them regardless if she had them. It did put her nose out (more than she let) on but I stood my ground with it. I loved picking things out and I bought what I wanted. I didn't care if she thought I was indulgant,

Small things such as clothes and soft toys - I accepted. Some were only fit for the bin so that's were they went. Others I washed and washed and got them out or put them in her when I knew mil was coming. After that first sighting of them being used they were 'put away'

Stand your ground with the smoking. That was non negotiable for me. Mil would hVe one then come straight in side and she stank! So I said dramatically "eeeew that gag smoke STINKS" in a baby voice to dd. PA I know but it worked.

Don't raise it with her. When she brings it up say " aw thanks mil but Weve got our hearts set on this amazing one - we pick it up soon!" Cue excited face.

YANBU at all. My MIL did this, drove me nuts! Everything she bought is kept at her house for when we visit I am sneaky like that!

She is an adult and allowed to spend her money how she likes.
You are an adult and allowed to have what you want in your house and pick your own baby things.

YANBU to not want icky stinky crap around your lovely new baby.

The one thing guaranteed to make me nauseous during pregnancy was the smell of cigarette smoke. I have never smoked, my father did as I grew up and was advised by the doctor to only do it outside as it aggravated my asthma. During pregnancy my sense of smell was heightened tenfold and even being around colleagues who had just nipped out for a fag saw me turning green. The was the smell just hung about their clothes! Thankfully my immediate colleagues used to open a window without my asking as they knew I was suffering. I honestly couldn't have been in a house that reeked of smoke, I'd have been constantly keeling over and or being sick.

Maybe being sick on her carpet or repeatedly gagging might send the message home.

It's very easy to not make a big deal about the smoking while still keeping your baby away from it. Invite them round yours, meet them in public, smoking free places etc. If they ask why you don't visit, you can politely tell them that you would love to go to theirs but you have an issue with the smoke. No biggie - all down with a smile.

Re the buying stuff, yep, that's annoying. My mum was volunteering in Oxfam when I was pg with dc1 and she accumalated all kinds of crap. It was annoying but she only did it out of love and excitement. I have no doubt I will do similar when my first dgcs are due. Again, big smiles, that's so sweet of you, thanks lots but we already have ordered/our heart set on x y z. If there's stuff she gives you that can be washed free of the smoke, soft toy/ a couple of outfits, then give them a few runs through the wash and whip them out whenever you see the inlaws.

Unfortunatley saying nothing was not an option. It's quite clear she's expecting us over regularly because she says the Moses basket is "for when the baby needs a good sleep whilst you're here" we hardly spend any time at all there so I really am at a loss as to what she thinks is going to change now.

Is it just the Moses basket for when the baby sleeps over at MiL's, or everything else, too? The Moses basket is clearly a waste of money because they're only good for the first three months or so, so there's hardly any point in having one just for when you stay over (if you stay over).

I think if she's buying the stuff to give to you, that's annoying. If she's buying it to keep at her house, I suppose that means she's excited about the baby and that's a good thing. Smoking is a whole different issue, though. I feel as you do about smoking but it's a difficult subject to raise tactfully.

This could be a perfect time for her to give up smoking. If she gave up smoking would you allow the baby to sleep there?

No. The baby is not staying there and neither am I. There are other very serious issues regarding my resistance to be there but I cannot disclose them as they could out me. She is not safe to be left alone with the baby (not through any fault of her own) but the issue would mean that she could drop the baby. As well as other issues in the home that are unsolvable. She bought the Moses basket for her house but everything else (cot, swing, bag of cuddly toys ) for our house.

It's very difficult but she is not going to be left alone with the baby like she seems to believe will happen. For one thing, I hope to exclusively breastfeed.

Does she come to your home much? If not just take the things, anything you think can be properly cleaned fine, pass the rest onto charity shop or dump as appropriate. If she notices just tell her you couldn't get the smell of smoke out so couldn't use it.

As for her thinking that the baby will spend time in her home, no need to say anything much, just do what you think is right when the baby arrives.

Lots of GPs get all excited making their own plans but in the end it is your plans that matter.

If not just take the things, anything you think can be properly cleaned fine, pass the rest onto charity shop or dump as appropriate. If she notices just tell her you couldn't get the smell of smoke out so couldn't use it.

That sounds like a good idea. And replace with things of your choice before she finds out and replaces with more used things. Then have your husband tell her, so she doesn't find out by seeing the new things, as you don't want to intentionally hurt her feelings.
Perhaps there is some way you can include her in the baby preparations?

Most children will outgrow a moses basket within 3 months and many go into cots quickly as they startle and hit their hands off the side of a basket and wake themselves up [unless swaddled but mine hated that]. By the time your baby is past the point of feeding every 2 hours they'll have nearly outgrown it so I really wouldn't stress about the basket too much.

You've got a bigger issue just giving her the baby to cuddle if she is a smoker to be honest. Once she understands that, she'll twig that the rest is an issue too.

Some babies adore swings - you might be glad of it if it can be washed. They're mostly an expensive waste of money if your baby screams blue murder anytime they go near it like mine did. Again, a newborn will be too tiny to go into it for a couple of months so I wouldn't stress about it.

do you have to raise it with her at all?

why cant your dh simply say everyone is buying stuff for baby, can she check in future in case doubles up and says it in a nice way?

unless something else going on here, she sounds excited, so big crime.

Clearly you've missed every other things I've said Bud