Another MIL and PFB issue. I need help. Aibu?

[Maybebaby2015]

I am due to have our first baby in early June. In the last few weeks my MIL has been purchasing second hand, and seemingly stock piling, lots of baby gear. Not just clothes, but cots, Moses basket, baby chair/swing, etc etc. she has filled one of her spare bedrooms wth this stuff.

She claims she is "helping" us prepare for baby. I had no idea about any of this stuff till my husband told me and tbh I was angry. This is our first baby and i want US to be purchasing (whether new or second hand) the big things for baby.

The real clincher here for me is this, MIL is a smoker and smokes in her house. I actually didn't realise till I saw her doing it, then went to smell the stuff she has accumulated to discover it really STINKS of smoke. I am not a smoker nor can I abide being near someone smoking (personal choice and all that but please, not on me!)

I'm not ashamed to say I had a bit of a melt down about it to DH who keeps insisting it's "really not a big deal"

Aibu to say I wont take our baby into a house where people smoke inside? Even with the, I believe, half arsed promise of "I won't smoke inside on the days you visit"?

Aibu to say why on earth are you buying all this STUFF? It's not even nice, I don't want it, PLEASE stop forcing it on me?

Aibu to expect DH to say a little more than "please don't smoke around my pregnant wife or baby" he refuses to ask her to run big purchases by us.

Also, I would appreciate anyone who is more in the know than me about third hand smoke, things that smell of smoke, and if washing is a safe way to remove residue? I do worry endlessly about this sort of thing.

Thanks to anyone who got this far!

I wouldn't be using anything as "spares" that had been stored in a smoker's house and I wouldn't be visiting. The smell just clings horribly to things.

I also don't agree that you just need to accept some of it. You and your home are not a storage space or junk yard for other people's rubbish.

DH needs to step up and tell his MIL to stop buying stuff as it won't be used and that you won't be able to visit the house as long as she is smoking.

Hi op, re second hand stuff, its a really awkward position she has put you in, WHY DONT THEY ASK?

If you like her and she is nice to you, can you simply say to her, thank you so much for this stuff, i dont want to hurt your feelings because I am so touched but I did want to let you know, I will be choosing some items as well, as well as my mum.

then literally go and do your own thing and forget about her hoard.

if push came to shove you could leave them there, or sell them on.

as for smoking i think it comes down to how much baby is going to be exposed. weekly visits, no no. a few times a month, i wouldnt let it worry me.

little, I am an ex smoker, I hate the smell now, hate it wafting, hope to see it stamped out, BUT dont you think thats all a little extreme? I mean myself as a baby in a house of THREE smokers>

YANBU, there's no way if be taking any of the stuff unless it was clothing and could be washed multiple times. It's his mother, so this is your DH's problem, he has to deal with her.

On visiting, that's harder I think. I take my DS to visit my GM and she smokes, although not while we are there. Her house stinks and I always change him when we leave. BUT, she is practically housebound, so if I didn't take him, they would have no relationship, so I do it for 20 minutes every month or so, but I wouldn't do it any more than that.

Your DH needs to know how dangerous 2nd hand smoke is, and ask him if his mother is willing to damage her relationship with a baby that she's clearly very excited about by continuing to smoke. My MIL and I recently had a falling out because I said no to her taking my DS to a filthy, messy, and (by her own admission) dangerous smoker's house for several hours. She flipped out saying that I was being precious and over-reacting (I bloody was not!) so be prepared for that kind of reaction, and stand your ground.

Sounds all very sensible to me, little. Babies' lungs are very fragile in terms of development.

www.nyc.gov/html/doh/downloads/pdf/smoke/protect-your-baby.pdf

There's some info on a study done on third-hand smoke (toxins that settles on surfaces in homes and remain even after the cigarette has been smoked). Apparently fewer than half of smokers are aware of the dangers of third-hand smoke, so it's possible your MIL just doesn't know. Maybe tactfully bring it up with her?

www.nhs.uk/news/2009/01January/Pages/Thirdhandsmoke.aspx

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7813124.stm

Health risks or not (she may not accept them), who wants a baby who stinks of fags? And I say that as a smoker. I don't think you are at all unreasonable putting your foot down about this stuff.

And choosing the stuff for first baby is a really fun exciting thing. She doesn't get to do it without you. She should either be offering to buy specific items - your choice - or if she comes across a bargain she should give you a call and see if you want her to get it. This is for big stuff of course, not the odd pack of sleepsuits.

DH needs to have a kind word with her that her enthusiasm is lovely but it's treading on both of your toes rather, so can she ask first about bigger items. as you the parents want the fun of choosing them.

And tell her that you've got a plan for your nursery (colours, brands, styles, who is buying what) so anything she buys needs to fit in with that.

And that anything she buys new needs to be delivered to your house, or brought there and stored there if second hand, as it needs to be at the babies home (and avoid the smoke).

Look, the scientific evidence is one thing, but you are talking to a woman who raised kids while smoking.

Lots of us grew up in houses where 2+ people smoked. The vast majority of us are OK. I am not saying it makes it OK but most people tend not to attaché significance to research info until it has a direct affect in them. Your MIL simply doesn't see it as the HUGE problem you do.

Just accept the stuff, wash what can be used and 'lose' whatever you don't like.

You can keep your child from MILs house, you can ask MIL not to touch for 20 minutes, but you may not be able to persuade her that you aren't being so very precious, no matter how much evidence you tactfully provide!

Just calm down and apply common sense!

I was raised in a house with smokers and I have asthma plus I get lung issues very easily every time I get a cold. Asthma then predisposes me to other health issues. I think attempting to avoid that for your child is quite sensible.

Lots of us grew up in houses where 2+ people smoked.

Sure. Lots of us have grommets, allergies, respiratory problems and various other things. It's one thing for adults to choose to smoke, it's not ok to expose children to it. Even the level if breathing discomfort children experience in that atmosphere is wrong.

Ultimately, this is a situation where there is a clear cut right and wrong. It doesn't matter if a smoker thinks you're being precious for not sleeping an infant on a smoke infused mattress. They are wrong. Babies and children should never be exposed to smoke, there aren't really any caveats and if a smoker refuses to accept it, that's their problem.

I'm going to ignore the smoking thing as I think it's pretty unanimous that it is an issue and not being unreasonable.

The MIL buying stuff I want to comment on though as I'm going through the same thing. Due in July and MIL keeps buying stuff, despite us asking her not to. It's actually become an issue now and we haven't spoken much for two weeks as we are at a stand off. I know she is excited but so are we and we want to buy things and choose what we use!

So maybe my opinion is skewed but I think YANBU as it's annoying me too! Why don't we get a say?! Taking it and putting in a cupboard or declining seems wasteful when all it would take to prevent it was coordination and agreement!

YANBU

If MIL doesn't know how dangerous smoke is to babies then it's time that you put her straight. Hopefully, if she knows that you won't be visiting her home it will be an incentive for her to stop smoking.

Buy your own equipment and clothes for the baby as you don't want to risk your baby being exposed to any stale smoke. If your DH can't stand up to his mother or is worried about upsetting her, just remind him that he needs to put his child's health first and if he can't/won't then you will.

lots of people grew up inhouses where 2+ people smoked. The vast majority of us are OK

And many are not

Including those who didn't grow up at all...

I don't at all think it is kind to buy cots and Moses baskets for someone else's baby, especially a first. Obv the smoke thing raises it to a new level but I think it's not kind anyway, you want to choose your own for your first baby. I've got 4 dc and still use the cot I chose for my first.

IMO it's insensitive, thoughtless, selfish and controlling.

If I were you I would keep quiet and just say no thanks if offered anything.

When my pfb was due my sil gave me umpteen bin bags full of very old and vomit/poo stained baby clothes. Not kind and really upset me as I wanted my beautiful new first born to have nice stuff and I wanted to get things for him myself. I can't imagine ever not getting that if I'm ever lucky enough to be a gp one day.

My in-laws and parents gave us the money to buy our pram and cot so we could choose what we wanted. We paid for everything else.

My MiL did buy a lot of clothes for the DC, but I managed to steer her towards stuff I liked.

"Lots of us grew up in houses where 2+ people smoked. The vast majority of us are OK."

I did and I'm not.

As a result of recurrent glue ear, despite grommets, I've got some hearing loss.

I think not smoking around babies, their beds and their clothes is completely using common sense!

So... those of you who are focussing on my having typed Lots of us grew up in houses where 2+ people smoked. The vast majority of us are OK decided to take it out of context then?

Thanks!

That is what I was saying, Wizard, thanks!

We have one friend who still smokes and it is horrible. He smokes in the garden here, not really a problem, more an inconvenience, but DH can't go to his to visit... he feels ill almost as soon as the front door opens.

Mind you, it shows how effective those e-cigarette things are. DH used to be immune to the stench!

Thank you everyone. I want to feel that this happy occasion will bring joy to all. Even though I dont love spending time with my MIL and I have had issues with her in the past, the smoking is my biggest and truest concern. I don't have the energy or nerve for a fight, I'm hoping DH will man up.

Agree that she's overstepping boundaries - packet of sleepsuits, some cute socks and a little teddy - fine, even if they're not what you'd choose yourself. The full works - not at all on. And exponentially so when smoking's involved.

Just out of interest - do you know if she got to choose her own baby stuff or did she get given or bought things? If she didn't buy her own stuff might be that she has been waiting all this time to finally get her go. Not that that means she should get it - but might explain it.

If not - then try chatting to her about how exciting did she find doing this when dh / siblings were born and how you're looking forward to doing it now. If she says about you don't need to as she has already got anything you can just do a jolly ooh don't be silly, you know we've been looking forward to this for ages.

Maybe get dh to suggest that rather than buy unnecessary things she could set up a savings account for the baby to have things later on...

OP if you want to buy all of the baby stuff yourself then that's fine. Your MiL should have asked you what you wanted and then you could have worked together and this issue about stuff being stored in a smoker's home wouldn't have arisen.

I say you are fully within your rights to say no thank you for the baby stuff and if she is offended then that's unfortunate.

The whole smoking issue is one which can't be argued with so just stick to your guns.

I'm afraid apart from the odd thing to be kind there is no way I'd want anything which was from a smoking home let alone for my baby

My MIL just bought a load of second hand stuff to have at their house. Not too sure why really, but it was their money. They've never asked us to have any of it and if she did I'd just decline and say we'd already bought our own cot/moses basket/swing seat, or had already chosen the one we wanted. There's no shame in saying no to big ticket items being offered to you if you don't want/need them. So I'd just take this approach with your MIL, buy what you want and refuse any of her items if she does indeed offer them to you.

Re the smoking, YADNBU. I wouldn't accept anything for a baby that smelt of smoke or was stored at a smoker's house. I would be hesitant about using it for DD (who's 5yo) but would wash clothes if I liked them enough to see if I could get the smell out. I definitely wouldn't be visiting a smoker's house, where they smoked in the house, with DD, even now at 5yo. I can't stand the smell.

My husband talked to her and seemed to make it clear that our baby won't be going into a house where anyone smokes inside. She said she is considering quitting smoking. With regards to the second hand things she has bought and stored, I have no idea how to raise this with her, but I won't be using them.