To ask a very trivial question about MIL and warming milk

[TheOddity]

MIL is a kind, generous and genuinely lovely person, but there's just this characteristic that really winds me up. I think IABU but wanted to get your take on it.

Every time we go to stay and have breakfast, MIL always gives my DS his usual breakfast and glass of milk and says "do you warm the milk for him?". I always reply "no, he prefers it cold". She then always replies "not even a little bit so it isn't cold in his stomach". I then always reply "no, just straight from the fridge is fine". She then always replies "Well you should leave it out for half an hour before or add a bit of warm milk to get it to room temperature". I then always say "i think he'll live, he likes it cold, as do I".

He is three, i do ask if he wants warm milk now and then but he says no. I know this is so utterly trivial and a none-problem but all the same, this plays out at every breakfast. If we stayed three days, I'd have this conversation each day in a row. AIBU to want to scream? I have tried different responses, jokes, pure Monty Python non sequiturs but nothing deviates her from this course of conversation.

There is also a very similar one about my negligence of squeezing oranges for him each day (and adding sugar) rather than giving him his usual carton of fresh juice.

I'm horrible and ungrateful aren't I?

Wow tired you really don't like warm milk!!!

There is an article in The Telegraph about researchers wanting freshly squeezed juice removed from the recommended 5 a day list because of the amount of sugar in it. Can't link to it, but it's easy to find. Print it out & stick it on her fridge!!

oh tired that made me laugh. you really fucking hate warm milk!

So do I. It makes me feel sick (another one with memories of smelly thick pukey sunwarmed milk at school).

And what's with the freaky people who make squash with warm water? Yuk.

OP, no idea how you get her off her milk trip if she simply won't shut up about it. It's not that she's interested in that glass of milk, she believes you are wrong in giving him cold milk, and wants you to agree that you are wrong and will warm up milk for him all the time. Which isn't going to happen. This conversation could be going on for years.

I suppose you could try one last big talk about it, away from the breakfast table. Take her seriously. So something like 'MIL, I want to talk to you about X's milk. I know that in the past a lot of parents were taught that milk needed to be always warmed for children and that they shouldn't be given cold milk. That's why you keep mentioning it all the time. However, guidance has changed and the advice now is that cold milk is perfectly safe and fine to give to children. X likes cold milk. I'm going to continue serving him cold milk. If you want to offer him a choice of warm or cold milk, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with warm milk, but there's nothing wrong with cold milk either. Let's not discuss this again, eh?'
Then if she does it again just say 'we are not discussing this again' and ignore/read the paper/fall asleep/yawn/run around the kitchen smearing milk everywhere.

Jessie if only that was the only thing she was proud of that is bizarre/outdated/harmful. A few weeks ago she told my three year old that if anyone is giving him any trouble thrn he should twist their ears as it hurts but doesn't leave a mark. Thankfully my super special milky snowflake DH told her where to put advice like that quick smart. (He has taken cold milk for the last five years thankfully, being an adult at scout camp and being told he was ridiculous beat it out of him )

I think it's an age thing. My ddad, who has all his life had cold milk on his cornflakes, has recently started warning it in the microwave to take the chill off. I think cereal with warm milk is absolutely revolting, but who knows, maybe in 25 years time.....

Do you know what? I feel better just writing he insanity down and letting other people take the piss out of it!

I will happily smile and nod now and think about little boys at scout camp lacking in milk warming facilities!

The other thing she proudly tells me is that she freshly squeezed half a litre of orange juice every day for my DH tO take to uni. By hand, no juicer. Times 2 as she did it for his DB too. So many man hours wasted, they have no recollection of this!

It's so odd when generational beliefs come to the fore with DC. (At least, I'm assuming my MIL's particular obsession is a generational thing?!)

She has a real thing about wanting to put butter on my DD's head if she bangs it. Apparently it stops there being a bruise?! (How?! How can this possibly work?!) I've always 'mmm'd noncomitally and so far I've managed to avoid it but MIL is mildly obsessed.

The other day I picked DD up from PILs and sure enough, a whiff of warm butter was emanating from her unusually shiny and rather greasy forehead.

The funniest was when DD did actually have a small bruise on her head a while ago and when we went to visit PIL's, MIL says 'oh no DD, did you bang your head?' [looks pointedly at me] 'did mummy not have any butter?' I just laughed. I wonder if it works for when you feel like you're banging your head on a brick wall?!

Butter on the forehead! Dear God, I've never heard of such a thing in my life

Warm/room temperature milk is disgusting, so MIL is BVVVVVVU.

I don't know how you can stand to have the same conversation so many times! Although, havin said that, MIL has always been a bit obsessed with DD needing a nap.

"Oh, is she OK, is she tired? Does she need a nap?"

To which the answer is: "No MIL, she stopped napping a year ago".

Haven't read the whole thread but I initially read your post thinking it was about your DH getting his milk warmed up for him by his mum on your visits!!

It sounds like a older mum thing. My mum dislikes my son having cold milk, or a cold packed lunch when he is there for the day. No idea what she thinks will happen to him if he eats/drinks something cold but she means well.

I wouldn't take much notice

My MIL believes that sickness and diarrhea is caused by cold on the tummy, therefore it can be prevented by wearing a vest and drinking only warm drinks.

I think you are being unreasonable. You hardly see the woman and you say she is lovely. All you have to say to her is ' please don't ask me again if he wants his milk warmed' ! You ask me every time I come here and I always say 'no'

As a MIl I would rather someone was open and honest with me and continued our relationship, rather than snipe behind my back, because they were unable to say what was on their mind. I am afraid I find your complaint about her quite unkind.

Fast forward a few years, and because you have a son , you are going to be a MIL to some DIL. Let's hope they are kind hearted, forgiving and tolerant of your little foibles when you try and give her advice, She will also consider your sincere advice went out with the Ark. That is the arrogance of youth.

Your time will come Post. Your future DIL will be warming the milk because ' Google' says so and putting butter on their foreheads. You will have to watch and suck it up.

God, that sounds tedious. I'd have to say 'Oh, give it a rest, MIL'. But I'm not a very nice person.

I'd defer to your ds. Say to mil 'why don't you ask ds?'

As a MIl I would rather someone was open and honest with me and continued our relationship, rather than snipe behind my back, because they were unable to say what was on their mind. I am afraid I find your complaint about her quite unkind.

Really? You wouldn't be pissed off at being asked the same question every breakfast time? Surely as a MIL, and a normal intelligent human being, you would have enough self awareness NOT to continually question the OP over something as inconsequential as cold milk?

Well, asking once or twice is fine yes?
But I wuld have to kill her now.
Stfu about warming the milk.
Nagging. That is what this is.
She is badically telling you that you are wrong. He should be having warm milk. You should be warming his milk. She does not accept your "excuse" for not warming his milk.

Of course, it might well be completely forgiveable if she is otherwise lovely.

Oh god, not the 'you'll be a MIL yourself one day' crap

Every bloody time!

Why the hell are we allowed to moan about our partners, our mothers, DCs, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and uncle tom cobbly and all but NOT the sacred mothers of our husbands!? Good grief.

The only bit of parenting advice that I'm slowly coming to realise is truly timeless is "don't give out unsolicited parenting advice to parents".

And yes, I do take the repeated nature of her milk 'feedback' as a very tedious and passive aggressive form of criticism!

We have another repeat conversation about vests with poppers (versus vests without, heaven forbid if he just went without one!) no idea how she expects poor child to wee with a popper vest! Willy out the side?

On the plus side, she is otherwise brilliant and makes me lovely jam, cooks the best lasagna ever, gives up their bedroom for us and loves to have us there. So yes IABU!

eponasWilddaughter why is it every time a thread comes up about a MIL issue, people who you know have no experience of being a MIL, insist on giving us their views.( well you didn't actually, you were just nasty about my reply)
I know from your reply epononas that you are not a MIL. As I keep saying, and will keep on saying, being a MIL is not the same as having one.

Everyone accepts that the experience of having a child is very difficult to explain, to some one who is childless. To understand what it is like to be a MIL, I think you need to be one. Why is that so difficult to understand.

As to your other complaint. Well seriously, There is absolutely no evidence on MUMSNET about anyone holding back about MIL issues. In fact complaints about MILs are on almost weekly. You must be blind not to have noticed them.

I comment about MIL threads because I think the relationship is difficult and have experience of being both a DIL and MIL.
Where is your advice for the post eponas ? I would like to hear it.

seaoflove to answer your question. Of course I try my hardest not to annoy my DILs. I am extremly careful not to give them Parenting advice because they are young and know everything. However no one is perfect and I think MILs are often required to be.

I think people should be more tolerant towards one another. I don't think in this case that the MIL is deliberately setting out to annoy or be cruel and I think the post should be prepared to be more forgiving.

YANBU but the older set will make you feel guilty for it. I was told by my (usually loving!) grandmother that I was 'mean' because I didn't butter and salt my infant's baby's vegetables! I just laughed and told her that's what the ped. recommended and she still told me I was mean because would I eat mine without butter and salt? Well, yes I have and sometimes do and it hasn't killed me yet.

I used to warm ds bottle too until I didn't do it once being sleep deprived and he screamed the next time I did it. I checked, not too warm at all...turns out he Wanted it cold! I was told I was mean for that too, which I responded I'm sure it wouldn't be the last time I was told I was a mean mummy.

"because they are young and know everything" is snippy and patronising. Maybe you are a lovely MIL, I hope you are and have a nice relationship with your DIL(s) and all is rosy. Some of us are not so lucky.

FWIW I tried being nice to my MIL, brushing off her comments, ignoring her "well meant advice" and unsolicited interference. I even ignored her personal comments about my weight, work ethic and how I was putting on my SPD and she'd been gardening and sanding down a yacht up til her due date when she went to Tesco while in labour so why couldn't I get off the sofa to cut down the daffodils (she nearly got battered with a cructh for that one) I also tried talking to her directly, telling her she was overstepping and that certain things were unacceptable/no longer the done thing/impossible/none of her business.

It hasn't stopped her talking to the men I've got working on my house atm in my absence and telling them what they should be doing (not the same as what we've instructed them to do) or telling me what I should do with my children/husband/house/car, or that I was wrong to remove a certain plant from my garden, or that there's no point changing the bathroom, or that my 10mo should be left to cry when she won't sleep despite her having reflux that makes her violently sick if she's left for more than a minute or two...

From my experience things like this are because they have a belief of some sort about it. Case in point, my grandmother (now in her late nineties) always says, "Oooh skip, I didn't know you wore glasses." Now for about fifteen years I thought she was just being forgetful, but then the tone of it struck me one day and I said to her, ' you don't like me wearing glasses, why is that?' Turns out glasses are, in her world, hideously un feminine. Who'd a knew?

So next time, just say, ' no, he doesn't like it, and warming it and leaving it out can encourage bacteria to breed. Is there a reason you think it's better warmed? Was that the advice back in the day? ( say this in a tone of genuine curiosity, don't be arsey) then you can start with the, " that's so interesting, how they change the advice all the time, because of course we know now that...." Then you can maybe steer the conversation to how advice changes over time, what stays the same, etc etc.

It explores the issue and shows you're listening to her but it also asserts your right to not drink warm milk.

I do think - and I'm sure we'll all be the same when we're older - there can be a sense that any change in guidance or advice since our parents and PILs just doesn't count: if it wasn't the case in their day, it can't be right now.

For instance when my DD1 was being very fussy with food early on, MIL said 'why not give her some honey' and when I said no, there was a risk of botulism so it wasn't advised for under-1s, she rolled her eyes and looked at me like she just didn't believe me! I wasn't sure what would have convinced her, even if I'd produced a citation from a scientific paper proving it. To her it was a case of 'oh well everything's banned now isn't it? Whatever next!'

My mum has also completely dismissed things that are quite standard parenting guidance these days. And both DM and MIL are rational people with scientific backgrounds...

Your MIL sounds lovely, if a little frustrating!

Great advice from others, especially starting a friendly discussion about the changes in parenting advice over time.

At least she's not being too overtly critical of your parenting, when I suggested that 6 m/o DD might not like the proffered madras king prawn last weekend I got an eye roll and an "ooh, your Mummy knows EVERYTHING doesn't she" directed at the high chair.

Smile and nod, and imagine you're on a beach with a strong drink!