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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to visit this friend

55 replies

saltnpepa · 19/03/2015 19:23

I have a friend who I have known for 20 years and I love her very much. The thing is she lives a 6 hour drive away so if we visit her we have to stay overnight. Her husband is arrogant and showy and we have to sit and watch endless videos of his work (he's an artist). They both smoke so the house smells and we don't smoke and find it a bit revolting. They have an endless stream of visitors coming in and out of their house all day long and the last time I was there one of them was a drug addict. They both smoke dope and I find the evenings boring with people who are stoned. Add to this the enforced sitting about in a hot-tub in bikini with people I barely know along with my friend and her husband. They have kids the same age as ours and their kids are adorable and beautifully behaved. They are lovely people but our lifestyles are nothing alike and I feel uncomfortable staying with them.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 19/03/2015 19:26

Could you stay nearby/a reasonable drive away on the pretext of visiting something in the area and visit but not stay over? Suggest meeting them somewhere else or invite them to you but make it clear there's no smoking anything in your home?

HoraceCope · 19/03/2015 19:27

what happens when they stay with you, or dont they?
cna you meet her halfway with her kids ?

MsAspreyDiamonds · 19/03/2015 19:28

Book a hotel, have day trips out and limit the time you spend at her house.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 19/03/2015 19:35

She would be so offended, she wants us there so we can see her life, that's what she says, but I saw enough the last time we visited! They are fine when they visit us, they smoke outside which still stinks but is ok. I'm worried I'll lose this friend if we don't go.

OP posts:
seriouslypeedoff · 19/03/2015 19:45

She smokes dope in the house and would be offense that you don't want your kids there?

seriouslypeedoff · 19/03/2015 19:45

offended

Leeds2 · 19/03/2015 19:46

I would go, and stay in a hotel. Plenty of reasons you can give for doing that.

BifsWif · 19/03/2015 19:46

Do they smoke cigarettes/weed in the house while your children are there?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/03/2015 19:50

Tell her you've already seen her life. Now she can come see yours. Grin

The real reason they want you to theirs is because they can't smoke weed or cigs at yours.

Stay elsewhere.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 19/03/2015 19:53

Yes Sad I remember when their baby was very small they were both a bit stoned one evening and couldn't remember if they'd fed the baby her bottle. I was appalled and saw it as a major low point but my friend didn't seem to think it was a big deal. She smoked dope all the way through her 3 pregnancies too and I know she lost some friends over this. They smoke dope when the kids are in bed, I assume, but they may do in the daytime, it's been a while since I visited as above. I don't want my children around when people are smoking dope or even in a house with dope really when I think about it. The other thing I have just thought of is if in the extremely unlikely event the police found out and I was implicated just by being there, I would 100% lose my entire career.

OP posts:
seriouslypeedoff · 19/03/2015 19:56

Why are you worried she will be offended? She doesn't worry about smoking dope when pregnant, with small children that she can't look after and around you and your children. If she doesn't want to loose you as a friend, she needs to change her ways, surely. No way would I have my kids anywhere near.

BifsWif · 19/03/2015 20:01

Then 100% don't go. You are considering risking your job, and your children being around illegal substances rather than risking offending her. If she's a real friend she will understand why you don't want to go, or like others have said stay in a hotel?

Pippa12 · 19/03/2015 20:32

It sounds horrendous. I doubt I would have any respect for my friend behaving in such a way with children in the house, not knowing if they'd fed the baby? Dope in pregnancy? Maybe you've grown apart and the distance between you keeps the 'idea' of friendship going, because you sound like chalk and cheese.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 19/03/2015 20:51

She makes it sound like lots of people smoke dope with kids in the house but I don't think it's that common, I certainly don't know other people who do.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/03/2015 21:06

Mine are grown now, but when DS1 was around a year old I had a friend who's DH dealt weed. Not on a major scale, just 'friend to friend'. She stopped speaking to me when I refused to have DS1 in her house. I explained to her that if the police 'came calling' and there I was with my son, did she think they'd really listen to me "Oh Officer, I'm just visiting!"? No, they'd come down hardest on a mother having her child with her in a drug den.

Now where I live, weed is legal with certain restrictions. I don't have a problem with it, smoke it if you want. But not around your children. Frankly, I feel the same about people who drink around their children. No difference, both are perfectly legal here. Neither is a good thing to do around kids.

blankgaze · 19/03/2015 21:21

if in the extremely unlikely event the police found out and I was implicated just by being there, I would 100% lose my entire career.

Don't go, it's not worth the risk.

She makes it sound like lots of people smoke dope with kids in the house

Well, she would, wouldn't she, she's trying to normalise her behaviour. I don't know anyone who does that, nor have any of my friends commented on anyone else doing it, I'm pretty sure if it was a 'thing' then it would be openly talked about, no matter if people were for or against it. But there's silence (in my world at least) apart from your post.

tywinlannister · 19/03/2015 21:25

Eurgh, don't go. You will come back smelling too bad - weed absolutely reeks. I have had to get off two buses this week because of the stench coming off people, I don't think people realise how festeringly bad it makes them smell.

YADNBU.

viva100 · 19/03/2015 21:28

100% don't go. Not even sure why you're friends with her, she sounds horrendous and completely self-absorbed...
I should also say, since I've qualified in my career (which, like yours, would be ruined even by a criminal fine) I have completely avoided any situation where people could be doing things like these (i have some uni friends who occasionally smoke weed, usually at parties and have told them straight I want none of that when I'm around - being friends, they understood immediately, did not even try to challenge it)

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 21:30

Eurgh. That sounds like a nightmare. They won't come to yours because they can't smoke dope and fags at yours.

Iflyaway · 19/03/2015 21:30

Why bother going if you feel uncomfortable and your career could be on the line by being associated with these people....?

Friends are not always for life. Sometimes we have to cut our losses in order to be true to ourselves.

I have a joint now and again, and I live in a country where I will never have to deal with the law because of it, but it has NEVER interfered with my care of my children.

I also do not blow marijuana smoke around the house with visitors around (unless they smoke it too).

These people sound ultra selfish.

HairyHandedFucker · 19/03/2015 21:31

I wouldn't go. I 100% would not even go in someone's house if they smoked, let alone stay overnight. Yuk. I'd tell her why, too.

The80sweregreat · 19/03/2015 21:46

I would stay in a local b and b or hotel!

Unfairestofthemall · 19/03/2015 21:51

I agree with the staying in a hotel idea, doesn't stop you seeing her but does stop you being there when she's smoking. Also gives you an out when there, because you have to travel back to the hotel to sleep and get DC to bed. Therefore you're not being rude but merely not wanting to put her out by needing to arrange places for you to sleep.

Nanny0gg · 19/03/2015 21:57

You haven't given one good reason for going to see them in the first place.

SoleSource · 19/03/2015 22:34

This friendship is doomed and I'm sorry it will cause you worry. Too much stress for you.