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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to visit this friend

55 replies

saltnpepa · 19/03/2015 19:23

I have a friend who I have known for 20 years and I love her very much. The thing is she lives a 6 hour drive away so if we visit her we have to stay overnight. Her husband is arrogant and showy and we have to sit and watch endless videos of his work (he's an artist). They both smoke so the house smells and we don't smoke and find it a bit revolting. They have an endless stream of visitors coming in and out of their house all day long and the last time I was there one of them was a drug addict. They both smoke dope and I find the evenings boring with people who are stoned. Add to this the enforced sitting about in a hot-tub in bikini with people I barely know along with my friend and her husband. They have kids the same age as ours and their kids are adorable and beautifully behaved. They are lovely people but our lifestyles are nothing alike and I feel uncomfortable staying with them.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 19/03/2015 22:43

Nanny0gg makes a good point.

Lovelyclaycup · 19/03/2015 22:53

They have kids the same age as ours and their kids are adorable and beautifully behaved

Maybe they are stone from passive smoke?

They are lovely people but

Yes but , they are also self-absorbed irresponsible idiots artists me thinks.

Tell us which bits you do enjoy in her company. What does make these people 'lovely'? Confused

VelvetRuby · 19/03/2015 23:21

Struth! That all sounds horrendousl. There is no way I would stay with them. Smokey environments are horrible if you are a non smoker and as for the big dope habit!!!!

I'd honestly not go, invite them to yours or stay close by and say one of you has been poorly so you can't be around the smoke or something like that.

RumAppleGinger · 20/03/2015 00:29

Completely agree with Bifswif. You are more worried about offending her than potentially ending your career and exposing your children to drug use.

As someone who used to smoke A LOT of weed from my experience it is not the norm to continue to do so around your kids. It was the drug of choice for my entire social circle but now we've all grown up not one of us would skin up with kids anywhere near us if at all.

Personally I would rather face an awkward conversation and the possibility of losing a friend than the alternative.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 20/03/2015 02:18

They are good fun, warm, intelligent and I've known my friend for almost 30 years. But yes I'm struggling to think of a good reason for staying in their house. I think my kids would feel worried about the endless stream of people coming in and out of the house let alone the rest of it. I remember staying once and she had a friend there with a coke habit and the friend was just awful and nasty actually. In a way what's the point in the conversation, it's their house so they can do as they wish, I think she would feel I was being judgmental and conventional. She would be offended if we stayed in a nearby hotel. I suggested a while ago we meet them halfway and she said it was our turn to visit, which it is.

OP posts:
seriouslypeedoff · 20/03/2015 07:08

She is lovely but inflicts drugs and drug addicts in her kids and will make you feel bad if you don't want to out your kids in that position? She wants you to visit her as if she comes to yours or a hotel, she can't smoke.

Sorry she sounds selfish, irresponsible and to be she is abusing her children

Whocansay · 20/03/2015 07:12

Why are you pandering to this junkie? If she wants to live like that, it's her choice. I think social services would view it poorly if they found out. Don't inflict this on your children.

If you want to visit, stay somewhere else. She wants you to stay as it condones her behaviour. Don't do it.

I would be happy to lose this friendship, tbh. She doesn't sound lovely, she sounds like a self absorbed idiot.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 20/03/2015 07:16

Shock at smoking dope with kids in the house, I'd really struggle to come to terms with that keep fat mouth shut but maybe I've led a sheltered existence.

You've known her a long time so I think you should just be upfront, you want to see her but aren't happy with your kids staying in a 'smoking' house so you will be staying in a hotel. The risks of smoking aren't exactly a secret so I think you have a duty to your children there before you even get into the other stuff.

I wouldn't be surprised if this ended the friendship though as she'll more than likely take it as a slight to her motherhood.

Lovelyclaycup · 20/03/2015 07:36

I agree with tea. I f she pushes you or makes you feel guilut for not staying at her house drug den you she is no friend but wante her 'court'.
I once had a lovely, warm, arty friend. It took me years and the loss of a few good things in life to understand that she was a narcissist and that I had been pandering to her moods. Be true to yourself. A good friend will respect your choices if they don't impede on hers, which they wouldn't if you stayed at a hotel. Long term. Do you really want. This person in your life?

ByTheWishingWell · 20/03/2015 07:49

I wouldn't judge their lifestyle if they were childless, but that isn't an appropriate or safe environment for children.

I wouldn't let DD sleep in a house filled with cigarette smoke. Her health comes first, well before anyone else's hurt feelings. Would your friend really not understand if you said you didn't want your children in a smoky environment?

musicalendorphins2 · 20/03/2015 08:22

I do think many people smoke dope with kids in the house, especially ones who use it for medicinal reasons, but you don't have to go anywhere that makes you feel uncomfortable, or, poses a real risk to your job.
Perhaps you can use the risk to your job as your reason for staying in a hotel? Do any of you have asthma? I think I hear your dc coughing OP. Wink

Icimoi · 20/03/2015 08:29

I must admit I would struggle to stay friends with someone who is prepared to smoke dope all the way through three pregnancies. Did she care so little for the health of her babies?

But now I think you simply have no choice but to tell her that you will have to stay in a hotel because of the risks to your career and your children. And if she is offended, so be it: a friend who wants to put her wish to smoke dope before your job and the welfare of your children is not a friend worth having.

Blu · 20/03/2015 08:32

A six hour drive and the hot tub business would put me off, even before the risk to your job.

I am fairly relaxed / lax about DC experiencing or witnessing different lifestyles, but it sounds as if a tipping point has been reached. It's sad, but you are allowed to outgrow friendships as lives change.

tywinlannister · 20/03/2015 08:37

I have smelled nappies that had a sweeter aroma than a mouth after a joint.

I agree with PP's. Tell her you aren't happy exposing your children to drugs or drugged up strangers, and you won't be coming to her crack house even if it does have a hot tub.

Your children are more important than validating your friends drug habit by going along with this.

ilovesooty · 20/03/2015 08:38

Icimoi has summed it up for me.
You can't risk your job or your children.

Bakeoffcake · 20/03/2015 08:41

They "forgot" if they'd fed the baby because they were so stoned? Angry

Sorry but that would be the end of the friendship for me.

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2015 08:48

Why the hell are you friends with this woman? She sounds absolutely awful.

lightgreenglass · 20/03/2015 08:59

I have friends who are like this/will be like this when they have kids, they are lovely salt of the earth people - I would never stay at their house with my kids. I see your dilemma, you want to keep her as a friend but you don't want to completely alienate her. I know I'll be flamed but you could go once more - an overnight stay and then when it's your turn say we'll meet half way. Or alternatively, book a holiday cottage to meet at and spend time with them, one that has a no smoking policy and then their friends can't just pop by and be knobheads.

Original poster
saltnpepa · 20/03/2015 10:38

She had four miscarriages too over the years which who knows if they were caused by dope smoking but I think (I know!) if that were me I wouldn't be smoking dope in any pregnancy knowing I had already miscarried, I would be very worried I had caused it and would never do it again but she smoked dope all through all pregnancies. I do think if I met her now I wouldn't be friends with her.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 20/03/2015 10:42

The last line of your post there sums it up.
They sound awful, don't be friends with her just because you have history.
I would say YBU if you DID want to visit them

LondonRocks · 20/03/2015 10:47

*They "forgot" if they'd fed the baby because they were so stoned? angry

Sorry but that would be the end of the friendship for me.*

Me, too. She sounds like an immature prat.

cingolimama · 20/03/2015 10:50

OP, it's very simple.

You either don't see this friend anymore (which I'm pretty sure you don't want to do).

or

You stay in a B & B. Who gives a shit if she's offended? You're an adult, you can make choices that suit you and your family.

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2015 11:10

It wouldn't just be the end of the relationship for me; I'd be reporting them to social services.

CunningCat · 20/03/2015 11:20

What a pair if twats! Perhaps you should tell her how you feel, also having a constant stream if pot heads/ assorted drug addicts in their home is putting their kids at risk and is very concerning. Smoking weed when pregnant/around kids, being so stoned you can't remember if you fed the babyHmm very bad. I wouldn't take my kids there.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2015 11:20

Weed gives me a massive headache if I can smell it for any length of time.
I find it an awful smell and it makes me feel sick.

Can you agree to meet up somewhere in the middle 'just the girls'.
Shopping and lunch and stay in a hotel (separate rooms).
Maybe a swim and sauna if the hotel has one.

No way would I even consider staying in a house where people smoke inside it. It stinks.
And..... I'm a smoker!!!!