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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To you think I would be a fit mother?

70 replies

ladygaga1980 · 19/03/2015 17:19

Just looking for insight/advice before I do something I regret...

Pros
Stable job (but not well paid)
Nurturing side (with neices etc any)
Hormones are saying 'yes, do it'
I like buying baby things and like the idea of decorating a nursery
I want to have things in common with my friends
Fear of growing old and being lonely

Cons
I get bored very easily (even with nieces)
I already have nieces/godchildren (age 3 and 20 who I spend a lot of time with and like being the 'fun aunty' with)
I like laying in bed, reading and watching tv A LOT
I am quite an anxious, neurotic person, with terrible PMT that leaves me exhausted for 1-2 weeks per month
Partner is not fussed either way (so I would have to take the lead with everything)
I hate responsibility or having anything/anyone depending on me (probably from not feeling I had a proper childhood myself)
I hate being the centre of attention (e.g. if I was pregnant everyone at work would know and I would hate talking about it. )

I am 35 btw.

I am so conflicted because everyone is saying it's the best thing ever, that like will go from black and white to technicolour and that I will never experience love like it.

Part of me thinks that I would rather be a dad than a mum cos then I could participate as much or as little as I liked...

OP posts:
FuckItBucket · 19/03/2015 17:22

If rather be the kid than a parent

FuckItBucket · 19/03/2015 17:24

I would rate Eve the kid than a parent.

My life didn't go from black and white to colour because a baby fell out of me. It just got louder and more boring tbh

It's totally your choice and people have a rose tinted view of life with a newborn

splendide · 19/03/2015 17:25

I'm going to vote no I think.

QueenBean · 19/03/2015 17:28

I feel quite a lot the same tbh - I don't have that urge that so many women talk about

I love my nephew but god he's so tiring and I love my adult life with it's lack of disruption

At the same time, I don't want to be 45 and feel like I've missed out. Or deprive my parents of further grandchildren or nephews and nieces with cousins. And selfishly, I don't want to be lonely when I'm elderly

dixiechick1975 · 19/03/2015 17:28

I would say thst having 1 child may be a good fit for you. Dd is 9 and wants to spend time with her friends/doesn't need constant attention. I have a chronic illness and do get time to rest. Babyhood is not for everyone but only a small part.

ditavonteesed · 19/03/2015 17:29

only you can know that, having a child isnt down to a list of pro and con's. It is great, but it also exhausting and you have to put someone else before you all the time, their needs trump yours. Also dont just think of babies (I know I did when I was broody), think if you want a child, a teenager, an adult who still need your support. I think anyone can do it and it is incredibly rewarding. I always wanted kids, I have many friends who did not, both equally valid life choices.

AGirlCalledBoB · 19/03/2015 17:30

Having a child is a 24/7 commitment. It's bloody hard work and more than shopping and doing the nursery. Gone are the lay ins, the reading, watching TV. Your child can go through days where they will drive you to the brink of desperation. You have to be patient with your child, especially when they are toddlers and done some destructive for the 5th time that day.

It's hard, even with your oh's full support which does not sound as if you would have with a man not fussed either way. Do not do it because you feel you should because your friends are doing it or society tells women they should be mothers. I have to be honest when I read your cons I was a bit Hmm because they do not go with a baby, but only you know if you can cope with everything a child brings.

YouMeddlingKids · 19/03/2015 17:30

Research shows that people who don't have children aren't any less happy than those who do. If you're not bothered I wouldn't have one.

Sidge · 19/03/2015 17:30

The thing is, you're not just having a baby, you're having a person.

That cute little baby that is fun to buy miniature socks and a pretty Moses basket for grows into a proper person over the next 18 years and you have to be responsible for it every step of the way.

DownAtFraggleRock · 19/03/2015 17:31

Having kids won't necessarily mean you aren't lonely when you're old. Kids have a habit of growing up and moving away/abroad. I did.

Just something to bear in mind.

toomuchtooold · 19/03/2015 17:41

If you're happy, I wouldn't. The 2 weeks of PMS plus a toddler will break you.
The one thing that I wouldnt worry about on your list is being conspicuous. Walking behind a buggy is one of the most anonymous places on earth... you become background to most people.

On the other hand they are quite funny. One of mine made me almost wee myself laughing last night by eyeballing me from about half an inch away, going "what do owls do?" over and over. I think you had to be there TBH.

Gruntfuttock · 19/03/2015 17:43

No, I don't think you should have a child from what you've said.

madreloco · 19/03/2015 17:44

With an unsupportive partner and a hatred of responsibility, it doesn't sound like the best plan. If you really wanted a baby you wouldn't be asking the question.

I think that, like most people, if you had one you would be a perfectly good enough mother. But isn't doesn't sound like you have a strong desire to.

UghReally · 19/03/2015 17:45

I don't think its for anyone but you and your oh to decide

FenellaFellorick · 19/03/2015 17:52

If you are writing a list of pros and cons then I'd say you're probably not ready. It's really not something you weigh up like that. hmm, I like to buy stuff but otoh I really like to watch tv...

Fear of growing old and being lonely is a terrible reason to have children. They may not even want to be your company or carer in your old age and it's a hell of a chance to take even if it was morally right to bring a human being into the world to meet your possible old age needs!

Really what you are committing to is not a cute baby you can dress up and buy stuff for who will morph into a companion/carer in your old age.

It is a screaming, shitting critter that turns into an exhausting toddler that turns into a fast growing and challenging child that turns into a hormonal ball of teenage fury and will make constant exhausting demands on you for at least 20 years and then fuck off Grin God help me I'm going through the teenage years right now x2! ) It's the worry, angst and pressure. Don't get me wrong, it's also fun, rewarding and amazing but you don't have a little person to meet your needs, that's not their job. You are entrusted with raising a human being from infancy and shaping them into a decent adult human being. It's a massive undertaking.

Andcake · 19/03/2015 17:53

Only you can decide - I knew I wanted one and couldn't have written a list of pros and cons as it was in my heart. The problem was my body wasn't good enough to do itHmm
At 35 I would work out how fertile you are... If you've got time to decide.
I loved the gym, lie ins etcs but wouldn't have them back for the world ds is better than anything else but like all mums it can be hard

iniquity · 19/03/2015 17:54

Some points fir you.
Your own child wont bore you as much as your neices do.
Pregnancy might cure you of pmt. Certainly pmt has got better for me.
I also feel children should fit their parents lifestyle rather than the other way round.
Rrsposability can be learnt.

tigermoll · 19/03/2015 17:56

I have worked in old people's homes and I can tell you categorically that having kids doesn't have any impact whatsoever on whether you have a lonely old age.

notsolovely · 19/03/2015 17:59

Having kids is great. But not for everyone. I had a friend who would describe herself the same way as you did. She thought she should have a child just incase she regretted not having one. Until someone pointed out that its better to regret not having one, than having a child and resenting and regretting having it. Its not fair on the child, its incredibly easy for child to pick up on the fact that their parents wished they hadn't had them. So my friend didn't have them. I have to say I admire her. She enjoyed having the freedoms that aren't there when you have kids, especially when they are small. Sometimes she regrets it a little, but overall she is happy with her decision as she knows its right for her.

I love my kids. But find kids under 4 incredibly hard work. Now they are both older its great. But those early years were really hard for me. No one can say that having kids is great and the best thing ever. They can only say its great and the beat thing ever for them.

Bumpsadaisie · 19/03/2015 17:59

I think the best analogy isn't something like "Black to White to Technicolour" - that sounds far too immediate and dramatic and vivid. The other thing is that parenting a child is very different depending on what stage you're at. A newborn is one thing, an older baby another, a toddler another, a pre-schooler another and school child another and I haven't yet got beyond that to the dreaded teens. I don't think it gets "easier", just "different challenges' as they grow. Small babies needs are very urgent and you don't get much sleep. But they don't tantrum, they don't argue, they don't demand crazy things. A three year old probably sleeps OK but you have the whole strong will thing going on and the rages if they don't get their own way. O

Its a very gradual change, not a technicolour . A lot of it is a slog. You really have to grow up, not only to take the responsibility but also to be the adult and not descend to the child's level, to be patient and forbearing and not just "lose it" like the child is doing. You have to do this even if you are totally knackered and you have a big deadline looming at work so that even when the little sausage is in bed you then have to log on and work into the night. You have to think about their needs all the time and your needs get totally lost in their needs, esp when they are little. When they get to school you can start to reclaim some of your own life. There wouldn't be much sitting around in bed reading and watching TV though, maybe for an hour in the evening when they are in bed!

That said, they bring so much joy and so much purpose to life. Life becomes more mundane but often it is easier to feel content. Less striving, less soul searching. More just getting on with things and muddling along.

It totally wrecks your coupledom life, you're under so much pressure and so knackered. Roles get polarised. But on the other hand, you can work through it and come out closer and find a way to stay close despite the bomb that has gone off in your life! And there is a good deal of shared joy in your mutual offspring!

I wouldn't think too much. You're thinking a lot - its not like buying car A or car B. Just ask yourself, do I feel the urge or not? If I get to 70 and I have no kids, will i be sad?

If you feel the urge then go for it and don't worry about the rest. It will all work out.

It may be a total challenge but then, if you choose not to have kids, you'll stay stuck where you are now. If you have them, you'll have to grow personally. And personal growth is life giving, even if its not always easy.

Applecross · 19/03/2015 18:02

I'm not someone with a great deal of certainty about anything but having kids is something you either have to do or you don't - if you don't feel it'd make you feel happier on a fundamental level, I'd say no. I've never worked so hard for so little back tangible in return but I wouldn't change it because having kids is something I had to do and the small moments of joy are enough amid all the sleep deprivation and wearingness of young kids.

LittleBairn · 19/03/2015 18:02

Your Cons are pretty big Cons IMO, getting bored and not wanting the responsibility could leave you resentful.
Liking to buy baby things and decorating a nursery is not a Pro, that is a superficial reason. Babies aren't dolls and they won't behave as such in your pretty nursery.

It sounds more like you feel you should be a mother due to pressure and expectation but it doesn't really sound like your heart is in it.

notsolovely · 19/03/2015 18:06

I am really quite concerned of you view that dads can be as involved or not as they like. If that's how your relationship is, that he is involved as and when he feels like it, I would say do not have one. Its not fair on the child. For the record good dads are not involved only when it suits. I would have never had kids or married dh if that's what he thought. Shit dads are involved as and when they fancy it. Also if you desire a kid only as and when you fancy it, as your last line implies, having kids is not for you.

sosix · 19/03/2015 18:08

Only you can decide. Boring but true.

iniquity · 19/03/2015 18:10

Just to add I've always found one child to be very manageable.
Thats what I was told and it is generally true.
Since the age of three I've had lye ins. I often wake before D's does. Or if he wakes up first he goes downstairs and watches TV.
Most things can still be done with an only child.

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