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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To you think I would be a fit mother?

70 replies

ladygaga1980 · 19/03/2015 17:19

Just looking for insight/advice before I do something I regret...

Pros
Stable job (but not well paid)
Nurturing side (with neices etc any)
Hormones are saying 'yes, do it'
I like buying baby things and like the idea of decorating a nursery
I want to have things in common with my friends
Fear of growing old and being lonely

Cons
I get bored very easily (even with nieces)
I already have nieces/godchildren (age 3 and 20 who I spend a lot of time with and like being the 'fun aunty' with)
I like laying in bed, reading and watching tv A LOT
I am quite an anxious, neurotic person, with terrible PMT that leaves me exhausted for 1-2 weeks per month
Partner is not fussed either way (so I would have to take the lead with everything)
I hate responsibility or having anything/anyone depending on me (probably from not feeling I had a proper childhood myself)
I hate being the centre of attention (e.g. if I was pregnant everyone at work would know and I would hate talking about it. )

I am 35 btw.

I am so conflicted because everyone is saying it's the best thing ever, that like will go from black and white to technicolour and that I will never experience love like it.

Part of me thinks that I would rather be a dad than a mum cos then I could participate as much or as little as I liked...

OP posts:
Jollyphonics · 19/03/2015 18:15

From what you've said I would say it's best not to have a baby.

However, I would suggest you ask your GP if you can have a blood test to check your FSH level, which will give you an approximate idea of your ovarian function and therefore fertility. While you're waiting for the result you may find that you very much want it to be a fertile result, or not, or you may not care - and that might help you decide.

juneau · 19/03/2015 18:17

If you don't REALLY want it - and your post doesn't give the impression at all that you do - then I would say don't do it. Having kids is hard enough when you do REALLY want them, but if you and your DP aren't fussed either way, just continue as you are. Its not compulsory, you know.

whitesplodge · 19/03/2015 18:19

I feel similar to you OP. I like others' babies and toddlers in small doses, love playing games with older kids but again in small doses. But the idea of kids 24/7 scares me and makes me feel drained. I'm scared I'd be a useless parent without any patience or tenderness. I'm a selfish person - I admit that freely, I do what I want when I want (within reason - I do respect feelings if my OH & others). The thought of having my life turned upside down by having to be responsible for a vulnerable little person when I can barely look after myself scares me shitless. But I am so sad at the moment. My body aches for a child - it's a physical feeling. I swing violently from wanting a family to swearing no way Jose! I'm so muddled, maybe because of the unknown? All children are different, its chance/DNA what you get I guess? What if I can't do it? What if u screw up? What if....

I wish I had the ability and courage to decide either way. I'm the same age as you OP and I'm scared.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/03/2015 18:23

Fennella said - If you are writing a list of pros and cons then I'd say you're probably not ready. It's really not something you weigh up like that. hmm, I like to buy stuff but otoh I really like to watch tv...

  • and i was going to say the same thing.

Having a baby is a massive life change. Massive emotional, physical and mental upheaval. You will need a partner which is more than 'not fussed', to be any use. You will indeed be responsible for another human being for roughly 20 years. The baby years are hard hard work, but are just a flash compared to the rest of it. After that it is all about raising a whole person well, and giving them a good education until they can afford to fly the nest.

Of your 6 'pro's' the first 3 are fair enough, although none of them are screaming out ''i want a baby'. The last 3 are awful reasons to consider becoming a parent. You raise a child to be a good happy adult and to go their own way in life, where ever it takes them, not to hang around to keep you company in your dotage.

Marchalready · 19/03/2015 18:25

You know you won't be able to lie in bed and watch television for a very very long time don't you? I used to love watching breakfast tv and the 6 o'clock news and haven't managed it in over 10 years.

I wouldn't bother from what you say especially with a partner who is not particularly keen.

And if you do have one, definitely do not have two. The people who say two is easier than one LIE.

notsolovely · 19/03/2015 18:27

And if you do have one, definitely do not have two. The people who say two is easier than one LIE

I fell for that one too Grin

juneau · 19/03/2015 18:32

It's this line that really bothers me: I hate responsibility or having anything/anyone depending on me

If you genuinely feel like this DO NOT HAVE A CHILD. You are 100% responsible for them and at times that responsibility weighs very heavy. You sound very self-aware, tbh, which is great, but I agree that if you're having to write a list of pros and cons then it isn't for you - at least not now. You should be really wanting it DESPITE things not being perfect - but you don't.

butterfly2015 · 19/03/2015 18:38

Kids are hard work and expensive. Seriously it costs a lot to have a child.

Babies are quite cheap and baby clothes are cute. When they get to 16 and are still in full time education, needing phone, laptop, bus fares and trainers which cost the equivalent of a weekly food shop its not so cute or cheap. Especially combined with the hormonal rages and the door slamming.

Having said that I didn't have my first til I was 29 (my second at 36) because I liked my life, my freedom to do what I want. Within six months of having my first I really couldn't remember what I did with all my time pre baby. It was a shock to the system and I think that most new parents think that once baby sleeps through it will be fine and baby will just slot into my life and I'll carry on as before except now I have a baby.

The challenges never stop. From sleep, teething, toilet training, separation anxiety, tantrums, school - will they make friends, what if they get bullied, what if they are a bully - exams, peer pressure, clothes, social networking, hormones...it never stops. Ever. I have friends whose kids have left home and got kids of their own, they still worry!!

Is it worth it? God yes! Those sleepy cuddles, the little arms wrapped round your neck, the smiles, the really crappy stuff they make at nursery which you can't identify but you adore because they made it. These days I find that my oldest is becoming more fun to be around now she's through the four years of puberty and my youngest is hilarious.

Only you can decide if you want kids but liking baby clothes is probably not the best reason.

FunkyPeacock · 19/03/2015 18:43

I would say no in your position

I desperately wanted children but still found much of the baby/pre - school years tedious and frustrating

If you don't have that desire/urge for children then I wouldn't bother personally

BabyOnBoob · 19/03/2015 18:55

It's a massive responsibility and exhausting, and my baby is only 8mo. I feel I've aged about 10 years since I had her!

Don't get me wrong she's my absolute world and I adore her but if I'd have known what the cold harsh reality was like I'm not sure I'd have made the same decision.

Forget having any time to yourself. I can't even crap without an audience.

LaurieMarlow · 19/03/2015 19:07

Your list of pros are not stellar tbh. And some of your cons are quite significant. So based on your list, no.

But having said that, it's not really about lists. What is your gut telling you?

miniavenger · 19/03/2015 19:12

I can't say whether you should or not, that's a job for you and your partner. I will say this pro Fear of growing old and being lonely is not a good reason or certainty. I know people who are NC with their parents and others who just aren't interested.

Needasilverlining · 19/03/2015 19:15

I went for it when I stopped writing lists and got upset at the thought of waiting six months to TTC so we could go on one more nice holiday.

Eternal thanks to the PP who wrote this: "Life becomes more mundane but often it is easier to feel content. Less striving, less soul searching. More just getting on with things and muddling along."

Exactly right, IME.

Original poster
ladygaga1980 · 19/03/2015 19:26

Just to say thanks for everyone for your honesty.

I think the main thing is not having a supportive partner tbh. I know lots of people manage well without one, but I don't think it's for me.

I suppose we all just have to deal with the cards we've been dealt.

I do feel thought that I could be more 'useful' as an Aunty. I feel it's a privilege and she is so fun and hilarious. But I already feel I have her in my life, I partly feel that I am having the best of both worlds at the moment... is that bad??

OP posts:
306235388 · 19/03/2015 19:29

I'd agree that writing a list of pros and cons would signify that you don't really want a baby.

I am a bit younger than you and have 2 kids who are 8 and 4.5. I love them and I always wanted kids, it wasn't a big decision to have them at all. However, I wouldn't say my life is necessarily better just totally different but I think I would have been very unhappy without kids if that makes sense? Life before was great but I never envisaged a future without kids.

They are hard work though and tbh having children has destroyed my mental health. and my career I would never ever change them but they are hard work and that's at this age when Ds was a baby (he's the oldest) I slept maybe 2-4 hours a night in broken up chunks for a year and even after that only for 6 hours or so. That doesn't take into consideration when they're ill / teething / having bad dreams. The responsibility is immense and you feel guilty about everything.

I'd also say if you don't feel your partner would help then I don't think he's in the right place to have a baby. I'd never go into it with a man who will drop in and out as much as he likes. Never.

Needasilverlining · 19/03/2015 19:30

My DC have several much-beloved childfree uncles and aunts who are fun, interested and can focus on them because they're not running round after their own kids. I think they bring something wonderful into each other's lives.

My aunt was childfree until I was an adult and is still incredibly important to me. It's a fab relationship - interested, supportive but not parental.

Marchalready · 19/03/2015 19:32

There was a thread a few weeks ago asking if you had your time over, would you have had your children. A surprising number of people said no.

Original poster
ladygaga1980 · 19/03/2015 19:37

thanks silver

I love being an Aunty, it's fab.

OP posts:
seriouslypeedoff · 19/03/2015 19:43

Its not wrong at all OP. My DC favourite aunt doesn't have kids. Having kids is not a 'must do' for everyone. There is nothing wrong with that.

Galvanized · 19/03/2015 19:46

Partner is not fussed either way (so I would have to take the lead with everything)

This is a red flag, don't have children with this man. Otherwise, go for it.

battenberg123 · 19/03/2015 19:54

I'm in the same boat as you. To be ambivalent is horrible. I wish I knew what I wanted either way but I don't. Sad

TheABC · 19/03/2015 19:58

I love my DS so much it hurts. But it is a slog - you are never off duty. The worst time was when DH and myself were struck down with the novovirus. DS was three months old, a bottle refuser and exclusively breastfed. I was grimly eating and drinking between bouts of sickness to keep up my milk supply. Not to mention colic, teething, explosive nappies and (recently) climbing. I have not had a full nights sleep since he was born. And we are only up to the age of two!

It's a fascinating, amazing journey, but only do it if you really want a child and the opportunity to watch him/her grow up. If you want something cute to love, consider a cat.

Seriouslyffs · 19/03/2015 20:34

I'm sure you'd be a great Mum and if you did have a baby you'd be glad you did...
But, if you're happy now, why go to all the expense and potential heartbreak.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2015 20:43

I will vote no (like it matters, it's all up to you). But you HAVE to decide together. There is absolutely no way you should have a child with someone who thinks it's your choice, you have to do all the work. If he wants to be a father, he has to do the job that goes along with that. No issue with single parents, BTW, but if you are together and have a child you need both partners to be on board. A child should live with people who love them.

Also you get bored and exhausted easily. I have never experienced the horror of exhaustion like the first two years. Grinding, depressing, horrifying tiredness. I've worked nights and all that but this was something else.

sqibble · 19/03/2015 21:27

I love mine more than life itself. But it's not easy. You give up a lot for a while (e.g. sleeping, reading the paper and quite a bit more - mainly your freedom involved).

There are plenty of us out here with dc who get bored easily, don't have much patience etc etc.

I think it works well if you have a partner who kind of fills the gaps. I'm not a morning person but dh is. I don't naturally enjoy role play and board games and wrestling - but dh does. Don't get me wrong, I will step in should the situation require it, occasionally.

What am I good at as a parent? Organising - things for school, friends to come round, homework done, appropriate clothes and shoes for the situation coming up, educational experiences.

Patience I have little of. Energy I have little of. Love, I have lots of. I can usually manage to get my arse in gear if something needs doing on a feeding or toileting level.

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