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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To you think I would be a fit mother?

70 replies

ladygaga1980 · 19/03/2015 17:19

Just looking for insight/advice before I do something I regret...

Pros
Stable job (but not well paid)
Nurturing side (with neices etc any)
Hormones are saying 'yes, do it'
I like buying baby things and like the idea of decorating a nursery
I want to have things in common with my friends
Fear of growing old and being lonely

Cons
I get bored very easily (even with nieces)
I already have nieces/godchildren (age 3 and 20 who I spend a lot of time with and like being the 'fun aunty' with)
I like laying in bed, reading and watching tv A LOT
I am quite an anxious, neurotic person, with terrible PMT that leaves me exhausted for 1-2 weeks per month
Partner is not fussed either way (so I would have to take the lead with everything)
I hate responsibility or having anything/anyone depending on me (probably from not feeling I had a proper childhood myself)
I hate being the centre of attention (e.g. if I was pregnant everyone at work would know and I would hate talking about it. )

I am 35 btw.

I am so conflicted because everyone is saying it's the best thing ever, that like will go from black and white to technicolour and that I will never experience love like it.

Part of me thinks that I would rather be a dad than a mum cos then I could participate as much or as little as I liked...

OP posts:
editthis · 19/03/2015 21:30

I was never that bothered about having children either, but I'm pleased now that it happened. (Fortunately.) I also relished my lie-ins and lazy time and I'm in the middle of a mist at the moment with tinies, but I'm sure those days will return (to a certain extent).

What I will say is that my concerns regarding the latter have been alleviated somewhat. You will cope with less downtime because you have to; and your own children (though looking after them is tireless, thankless and often mundane) are not as boring as other people's. Or rather, your looking after them has to, and can, be reconciled with your own failings and requirements – so when looking after my gorgeous nephews and nieces, I would never bark at them to entertain themselves while I have to do the washing up, or declare I want to sit down for five minutes with a cup of tea and leave them to their own devices – as I (have to) do with my own – so looking after them is more exhausting in the short term.

And you'll find your own rhythm, with time – perhaps you'll enjoy watching some TV programmes or films together as a weekly ritual, or they'll learn that Sunday mornings are the time when you lie in. You have to sacrifice those things for a while, but I do think teaching your children to have patience and respect for your own modest desires and foibles is important, not simply selfish.

Finally, having children has made me mature in a way I might not have, as I was never especially domesticated before. I am much more efficient now than I was, tearing through chores and jobs and able to survive with less sleep, so it might not be as hard as you think, in those ways. On the other hand, having them has opened up a whole new emotional terrain; I am so much more anxious than I was before. Before, I might have worried about walking down a dark street at night, i.e. I was naturally concerned about my own safety, though not overly so. Now, every day, and even more so when they're ill or sleeping badly or tantrumming and I don't know why, I am filled with terror and dread that something awful is going to happen, to them; I sit there feeling like it's Sunday night, with an exam the next day. I don't know if this is a normal experience, but it is horrifying and I don't know how to control it; everyone else seems to be in control, but maybe everyone feels the same.

So, basically, I'm sure you'd be a fit mother. It's easier and harder that I, for one, expected, in so many ways, but also very rewarding, yes. I wouldn't change it, myself, but I have no doubt your life could be fulfilled and exciting without them.

QTPie · 19/03/2015 22:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

battenberg123 · 19/03/2015 22:01

Great post Editthis

ladygaga1980 · 20/03/2015 10:03

Editthis thank you for writing such a thoughtful post. I think I totally get what you are saying. I think, for me, both paths could be great, and both paths could be very difficult.

I think I am going to just leave it up to fate, rather than force it, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 20/03/2015 10:22

ladygaga1980

judging by the list of 'Cons' I'd stick with being an Aunty.

That said...

Your list of cons looks remarkably like my feeling, on top of which I'd already had a miscarriage, and both me and DH were being treated for depression, and we are lazy layabouts, slack parents, designed with long-term unemployment in mind Smile

We had a DS, a cherished only, ten years ago.

We had a lot of help from DH's family & friends, and we both work as well as try to bring up DS and care for relatives [its v. v. exhausting for us!]

We think we've done a reasonable job, but other parents mileage may vary.

Bumpsadaisie · 20/03/2015 12:07

The point Edith makes is good one - being an "aunty" isn't the same as being mum.

Of course when you are an aunty it is a finite time you're with them and you ultimately aren't responsible for them. They dont intrude on your own life all that much. So in some ways of course being an aunty is much easier than being a mum.

But of course when you are being an aunty you are in "full on entertainer" mode all the time you are with them, which is perhaps more exhausting in terms of that (say) three hour period than being mum at home with them fro three hours (where you would do a bit with them, but then try to get them to do sth on their own while you do mumsnet or hang out the washing). Its not quite as full on as I imagine the interaction is when you are being "aunty".

Bumpsadaisie · 20/03/2015 12:08

PS one child is very much easier than two!

Is that an option? My life would be a heck of a lot easier with just the one (though of course wouldn't not have my lovely son for worlds!)

NeedABumChange · 20/03/2015 12:13

Sorry but none of your "pro" list is a good reason to have a child.

editthis · 20/03/2015 12:31

What is a good reason to have a child? I don't mean to sound snarky, I am actually intrigued.

I had mine because I thought I probably wanted children rather than the alternative, and my husband wanted them, and it is a romantic notion to make manifest your love for one another. I think probably none of those are especially good reasons...

madreloco · 20/03/2015 15:42

What is a good reason to have a child?

Both parents actively wanting one is a pretty good start. A basic requirement, some would say.

editthis · 20/03/2015 16:05

actively wanting

If you're remotely introspective, it can be hard to feel single-minded about something so huge and important as having a child; it's all too easy to become preoccupied with the reasons you perhaps shouldn't. And how do you qualify it? You might want a child, in the abstract, but do you want one enough? And given that wanting a child is an inherently selfish thing, how does that sit with how fit a parent you consider you will be? I don't think it is wrong to question these things, or that it makes you an unsuitable candidate.

NickyEds · 20/03/2015 16:25

I love being an aunty tooSmile. My niblings have always been a huge part of my life and I would consider myself Hands On with them (they're teenagers now but i looked after them loads when they were little). But good lord it's nothing like being a parent!!! I was a proper little smug pregnant lady! It would be easy having a baby as I'd babysat a lot. Safe to say ds has wiped that particular smile off my face!!!

I'm sure you would be a "fit mother" but TBH it doesn't really sound like something you really, really want. And you need to because it's hard. Great but hard.

I hate responsibility or having anything/anyone depending on me

This is a real alarm bell.

NickyEds · 20/03/2015 16:27

Oh and the "buying baby things" loses it's appeal the first time something you paid a ridiculous amount of money for gets literally shat on!

IPokeBadgers · 20/03/2015 19:39

i wish I had the ability and courage to decide either way. I'm the same age as you OP and I'm scared.

I agree with you Whitesplodge - I'm the same Sad

TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 20/03/2015 19:41

Like the old saw has it - "you need a licence to own a television, a car and shotgun, but any fucking idiot can be a parent"

and there are a lot of fucking idiots out there, but even disastrous parents can bring up stable children [and vice versa]

Both parents actively wanting one is a pretty good start

This ^ definitely madreloco, the reasons OP stated for wanting one are pretty flimsy and self-centred, but I'm not saying my and DH's reason were any better. But if OP is the only one in the relationship that wants it, I wouldn't envy that child's life.

tulipbulbs · 20/03/2015 19:53

pros someone else becomes more important than yourself = less self absorbed.
you'll experience childhood all over again.
You've never known love like it.
A good father is a sexy beast.
It's a great way to meet other people (parents) that you would never normally meet.
Family life is much more fun than adult social life (for me anyway).
If you do a good job, it's the most fulfilling role in the world.
I love seeing one of my children do that thing my grandmother/mother/sister used to do.

Have you heard the saying : children are like farts - you only love your own? The most perfect niece is like nothing in comparison to the joy of your own child

chinstrappenguin · 21/03/2015 08:43

Try and look ahead to your future. If you think not being a parent will be a big regret then go for it. The only reservation I would have is how on board your DP is with it all.

chinstrappenguin · 21/03/2015 08:46

Yep 2 being easier was definitely BS Grin

Bumpsadaisie · 21/03/2015 10:33

Oh yes, one great advantage is that when you have kids you make all sorts of new and often deep friendships with other families but especially other mums. Its the shared experience in the trenches thing - draws people very close together.

maddening · 21/03/2015 11:16

I used to love lying in bed and would in a flash but I would not give up my son to go back to that - having a dc is hard work and there are some boring bits but I really would not consider giving him up - generally having a dc changes you too Imo so I wouldn't worry about that.

Having a partner who doesn't particularly want that baby is a worry - I think you need to work out that bit - my partner didn't want dc - I told him - right at the start as the conversation came up within the first month -that dc would be important to me and he changed his mind and now we have ds he is totally devoted to our dc and would die before he gave up our son - we both loved the lounging around , lazy weekends and nights out but now wouldn't go back to that for all the tea in China.

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