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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset? BF has been untruthful about his religious beliefs.

52 replies

kittycatz · 19/03/2015 11:44

First AIBU - please be gentle.
I have been with my BF for 18 months and living together for a year. I thought we knew each other very well but apparently not...
We were both brought up Catholics. I have a strong faith and I go to church and pray. He goes to church for major festivals and plays music in church from time to time. He has also come to church with me several times - note, I never asked him to come as he said at the beginning of the relationship that he believes but doesn't have a deep faith and so doesn't attend regularly. I said to him that I go every week and that if he wants to come then that's fine but that I would not ask nor expect him to attend if he doesn't want to.
I am the type of person who has a personal faith which helps me in my life. I am accepting of other people and their faiths and beliefs or non-beliefs. I have never ever forced my beliefs on anyone else. BF knows this and we have discussed religion a lot.
So in the 18 months we have been together he has always talked as if he has a belief in God. He has said that he does not believe all of the doctrine of the Catholic church - fair enough. He has also said how helpful he finds the sermons in his own life and that going to church makes him feel positive.
Suddenly on Monday night he pipes up (and he had been out and had 3 beers with his friends) "I believe in guardian angels but I don't believe in God. Never have".
I said "You don't believe in God?" He said, "Nope, never had".
I asked him how he could spend 18 months with me talking about God and religion as if he believed in God and suddenly he says he doesn't.
He had no answer for that and said he was tired and was going to sleep and we would talk about it in the morning.
In the morning he wasn't very forthcoming and I told him that it didn't matter whether he believed or not because I love him no matter what and that his personal beliefs are his own business. He said "Thank you", gave me a kiss and that was that.
So as far as I am concerned I won't be bringing up the subject with him again but since this happened I have felt very upset. I know this probably a bit U but I can't help thinking if he has been "lying"/"covering up"/"hiding" his lack of belief what else that he has been saying isn't true? Also I don't know why he would pretend to believe in God when he doesn't. I have absolutely never pushed my belief on him nor on anyone else. I don't know whether he thought I wouldn't like him if he was a non-believer. I just don't know why he has been saying one thing for 18 months and believing something completely different.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/03/2015 11:48

Why do you say you won't bring it up again? I think you need to! This is very much not ok.

Original poster
kittycatz · 19/03/2015 11:50

Well I thought I shouldn't bring it up again because I said I love him whether he believes or not so it would seem a bit weird to then start talking about it again.

OP posts:
LadyGregory · 19/03/2015 11:51

If it's genuinely upsetting you that much, why wouldn't you bring it up again? Presumably you're more concerned that he felt the need to lie than in his opinion on the immaculate conception or Church-approved methods of birth control...?

GoooRooo · 19/03/2015 11:51

Some people have very confused feelings about religion - I am one of them.

Perhaps he told you he believed because he felt that was the easiest thing to do, particularly if he has been raised a Catholic and does attend church sometimes. Perhaps he has quite confused feelings about it and does believe sometimes and doesn't at others (this is my problem - I feel there is a God, I believe in a lot of the church's teachings but some things I find difficult to process and having faith in something which is not logical I struggle to deal with - creationism for example).

My DH has rarely ever been to church but when he does go it gives him a sense of peace and he finds it positive - even if he is not convinced there is a God. He enjoys the community of the church.

So perhaps he did lie, for what he thought would be an easier life. Perhaps he thought you would reject him if he had no belief and is now relieved that you don't feel like that. Or perhaps he genuinely did believe in God and is having an issue with faith and is struggling to believe right now?

GraysAnalogy · 19/03/2015 11:52

Perhaps he knew it was so important to you so went along with it? I wouldn't judge him too harshly.

BreakingDad77 · 19/03/2015 11:54

Some people will do anything to get with someone - you need to check if hes 'that guy'

00100001 · 19/03/2015 11:54

He could feel he is Christian Atheist (or Non-realism)

He believes in the teachings/morals etc, but not the actual existence of God as a being, but more as an 'ideal'

see the links below.

www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/atheism/types/christianatheism.shtml

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_atheism

It sounds like he gets a lot out of church when he does go. I think you have assumed he has a belief in God (as would many, considering his church attendance) rather than asking him.

It doesn't sound like he's lied to you, just that there were presumptions made :)

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 19/03/2015 11:55

YANBU to be disappointed, sounds like he was pretending something in the early stages of the relationship, once he was sure you were ok about it he fessed up. I think you should tell him that you are worried what else he might not have been honest about. Also, will it become an issue if you plan to have children together- would he support them growing up in your faith (something I am guessing you would want) I think you do need furhter conversations TBH.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 19/03/2015 11:56

For 18 months he has lied to you about something he knew was central to your life? He's played music in church, gone to Mass and all the rest, and now tells you that it was all a show? I'd wonder what else he'd been lying about.

kewtogetin · 19/03/2015 11:56

Just because you said you love him doesn't mean you aren't 'allowed' to discuss it with him again, this is a big deal in my opinion. Effectively he has knowingly lied to you over something that is important and plays a big part in your life for 18 months. Not a one off lie but time and time again. It isn't about religion to me (athiest) he said he was one thing but is actually another. Plus it's got to have chipped away at the trust in your relationship, what next? Says he wants children and then five years down the line it comes out he's never wanted them? The list is endless.....
You need to talk to him, he has knowingly deceived you, pretended to be one thing but is actually another and no decent, honest, loving, caring partner would do this.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/03/2015 11:59

I think you have to talk about it because you're still upset. You're not going to be able to process that upset by pretending it doesn't exist.

Despite you saying you didn't care if he believed in God, he might have felt you would care and didn't want to risk isolating you.

I'm not trying to belittle what happened but there was alcohol involved so I think it's more than fair to have the conversation when you're both sober. It may be that his faith fluctuates but regardless, you should be able to talk about it, making it clear that it's not about his faith but about his honesty.

Catsrus · 19/03/2015 12:00

He expressed some long held doubts to someone he trusted after a few beers. He's in good company
www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/sep/18/archbishop-canterbury-doubt-god-existence-welby

I don't think he's lied at all. Belief is complex, he's working out what he does believe and questioning the beliefs he's been taught - that's a good thing IMO. Belief is something that has to be based on your own experiences and make sense to you as a person, we take what we are taught and decide whether or not we agree with it.

00100001 · 19/03/2015 12:04

you don't have to believe in God to go to church :/

00100001 · 19/03/2015 12:06

AFAIK, he hasn't lied to her.... he never once said he believed in God before the drunken 'confession' (as far as we know) all we know is; He went to church sometimes and enjoyed sermons. There was a presumption that he believed in God.

Jackie0 · 19/03/2015 12:06

I think some people are cultural Christians more than actual Christians.
So he was raised in a particular faith and went to the bigger religious events but hadn't really got around to thinking about if he really accepted the beliefs of the religion.
Then he meets you and its important to you so he continues fitting in to his cultural norm.
Its still okay for him to think ' actually no, I've never really believed this'.
Often we don't get the opportunity to opt in as we are children therefore a lot of people opt out as adults when they have given it some thought.
I don't think he has deliberately mislead you.
If its the lie you are concerned about I honestly would suggest you don't put that much weight on it, to my mind its more like he was processing his thoughts out loud.
If the difference in belief is going to be a problem , well that could be a deal breaker for some.I hope it isn't op.

pinkdelight · 19/03/2015 12:07

It can be v confusing when you've been raised to be religious, but deep down don't really believe. He may well have never believed in God, but only be blase enough to admit it after a few pints when he was feeling a particular way out that day.

Other times, it may be so deeply ingrained in him that even if he logically decides it doesn't make sense, there's still some element of belief in him, even if it's more fear than faith - the 'what if they were right after all?' sense.

Even if people have faith, it can fluctuate from being strong to having severe doubts to lapsing, so I wouldn't see it at all as him being untruthful. I don't think it sounds like he has a constant clear line on it and if you're as understanding as you say, then surely that's fine?

You have your faith, he has whatever mix of feelings he has on the subject at the time. It sounds pretty normal to me.

00100001 · 19/03/2015 12:07

oh wait he says he "believes" - sorry. Did he actually ever say "I believe in God"?

ShootPeppaPig · 19/03/2015 12:11

I have known several guys pretend they are more into a faith than they are to get with what they deem to be "good women" (I assume they think religion = morals or perhaps more traditional values)

Trouble is the women always find out at some point and it swings the equilibrium of the relationship

I think it's totally different if you lose/convert from a faith, but to deceive someone over your core beliefs from the offset is totally unfair

SamG76 · 19/03/2015 12:11

Thanks you Catsrus - YABU - what does believing in God actually mean? It sounds as if he cares for you. Saying you want children is a completely different matter, as it more concrete and has practical consequences.

My DH and I are moderately religious (Jews) but I've no idea about his concept of God and wouldn't think of asking....

Original poster
kittycatz · 19/03/2015 12:13

Some very helpful replies thank you.
A couple of people said that I had "presumed" he believed in God. He had actually previously stated on more than one occasion that he believed in God and also talked about an after-life.
And no it isn't a deal-breaker if he doesn't believe at all. But I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I do need to have another conversation about this - whether he has never believed or whether he has recently lost faith or whatever.
The thought that he just said any old thing for whatever reason (possibly so we would stay together) really upsets me.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 19/03/2015 12:21

I do understand why you are upset, feeling that he has lied. But religion and faith are such personal things, they are fluid and change and grow as we do. Perhaps he has always questioned the existence of God, but erred on the side of believing, but now he has changed that view?

Thank you 001 for those links. I have felt a bit crazy for years, thinking I was the only one, but your links have shown me there are others who think and feel the same way I do. I am quite astounded actually.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/03/2015 12:27

It's the idea that he lied that is upsetting you and that's why you have to give him the opportunity to explain.

You've said that having a different attitude to God isn't a deal-breaker but having a different attitude to truth/lying will be more corrosive. You have to have a conversation about it to try to understand what happened and why. It's likely he doesn't feel he lied at all. Or that he thinks it was justified to try to keep you. Once you understand where it came from, you can decide how important the lying/misunderstanding is to you.

Don't get confused about why you're upset. You're entitled to feel upset about him having seemingly lied to you. Don't be afraid to make the lying a deal-breaker, even if the issue he lied about isn't one iyswim. Of course, he might not have lied, and his faith ebbs and flows.

ThatCuckingFat · 19/03/2015 12:30

I don't think YABU.
He might be just be coming to terms with the fact that he doesn't? Or maybe he just didn't want to upset you? I know you say you don't mind if he doesn't but if he has been brought up Catholic it's sometimes just not the done thing to say you don't, especially around other Catholics/Christians. As other pp have said it can be really confusing to not truly believe when your whole life you have been expected to.
I think you should talk to him about it again though, just for clarity. I doubt he has a bad motive behind it. It sounds like he wants to make you happy.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2015 12:35

I would also like to thank you 001

I used to have faith but the idea of believing in a supernatural existence was so at odds with things I knew to be true that I no longer have it. I have always felt that I have a spirituality but not faith in a God.

Now I know that this is a "thing" and not just me being awkward!

AdoraBell · 19/03/2015 12:39

For me the "we'll talk about in the morning" and then not wanting To talk about it is a bigger issue than than his beliefs or lack there of.

Call me cynical if you will but I see a person who has put you in "your place" by making you feel you shouldn't raise the subject again.

Is there anything else you feel you shouldn't discuss or do because you've told him you love him?