AIBU to be upset? BF has been untruthful about his religious beliefs.

[kittycatz]

First AIBU - please be gentle.
I have been with my BF for 18 months and living together for a year. I thought we knew each other very well but apparently not...
We were both brought up Catholics. I have a strong faith and I go to church and pray. He goes to church for major festivals and plays music in church from time to time. He has also come to church with me several times - note, I never asked him to come as he said at the beginning of the relationship that he believes but doesn't have a deep faith and so doesn't attend regularly. I said to him that I go every week and that if he wants to come then that's fine but that I would not ask nor expect him to attend if he doesn't want to.
I am the type of person who has a personal faith which helps me in my life. I am accepting of other people and their faiths and beliefs or non-beliefs. I have never ever forced my beliefs on anyone else. BF knows this and we have discussed religion a lot.
So in the 18 months we have been together he has always talked as if he has a belief in God. He has said that he does not believe all of the doctrine of the Catholic church - fair enough. He has also said how helpful he finds the sermons in his own life and that going to church makes him feel positive.
Suddenly on Monday night he pipes up (and he had been out and had 3 beers with his friends) "I believe in guardian angels but I don't believe in God. Never have".
I said "You don't believe in God?" He said, "Nope, never had".
I asked him how he could spend 18 months with me talking about God and religion as if he believed in God and suddenly he says he doesn't.
He had no answer for that and said he was tired and was going to sleep and we would talk about it in the morning.
In the morning he wasn't very forthcoming and I told him that it didn't matter whether he believed or not because I love him no matter what and that his personal beliefs are his own business. He said "Thank you", gave me a kiss and that was that.
So as far as I am concerned I won't be bringing up the subject with him again but since this happened I have felt very upset. I know this probably a bit U but I can't help thinking if he has been "lying"/"covering up"/"hiding" his lack of belief what else that he has been saying isn't true? Also I don't know why he would pretend to believe in God when he doesn't. I have absolutely never pushed my belief on him nor on anyone else. I don't know whether he thought I wouldn't like him if he was a non-believer. I just don't know why he has been saying one thing for 18 months and believing something completely different.

I think you both sound lovely people and I don't think he lied as such but maybe wanted to belive? Wanted to please you and support you in something that is so important to you and they he too derives some pleasure.

Discuss it by all means and as you say it won't affect your future them don't let it.

There are always posters who see like in black and white and will say he lied about this so what else has he lied about and that's ridiculous.

Religious beliefs are complicated and can both be acquired and vanish over time.

Enjoy your supportive and clearly kind man. He loves you. Be happy.

It might not be relevant, but your post reminds me of an ex. He would say black is white if he thought I believed it, and I had no reason to doubt him.
Later, I realised he was just being a cameleon and changing opinion to match whoever he wanted to impress, or just not fall out with. Conflict was a real issue for him, and ironically I wouldn't have created conflict for his different views, I just wanted to know the real person. Otherwise it felt like trying to hold a shadow.

I agree with others that you should discuss it further though. It will only fester and you might as well know who you're really with if you want a meaningful future. Trust is the biggest cement to a relationship and I don't see how you can trust a person intimately that you don't know properly.

To be fair OP if you are living with your boyfriend then you're not exactly as devout as you make out either. So you may be sending mixed messages.

Ducks from flying tomatoes and outrage

I was raised catholic, but looking back I don't think I ever believed. When my parents told me that Santa and the tooth fairy aren't real, I was fully expecting them to add God to the list.

But, for a couple of years as a teenager I acted like I had a strong faith - went to mass, wore a crucifix and miraculous medal, even prayed every night in bed. I don't think I really believed even then, I think I just wanted to, if that makes sense.

He may have been struggling with his beliefs for a while. He wasn't necessarily lying to you, at least not any more than he was lying to himself.

As difficult as this must be for you, I think it's a good sign that he's told you, not a bad one. If you are raised in a religion, then it takes a lot before you can overcome a lifetime of conditioning to say that you don't believe. He's clearly a "cultural Catholic", but trusts you enough to admit that he is not a religious one.

He hasn't denigrated your belief, just said he doesn't share it.

Is it possible that he has only just realised that he doesn't actually 'believe' in god? For many people who are brought up in a particular religion, it is a while before they actually question whether they believe in god because they have been told that they do, or actually for themselves? It is often only then that they realise they don't believe any of it/most of it/some parts and track back what they are comfortable with.

Either way, I think having any topics that are off-limits in a relationship is probably not a healthy thing, so if you want to talk to him about it then you should.

Yanbu in being shocked and disappointed.
That's really quite a sway in his beliefs. I also don't think the fact you told him you love him 'no matter what' means that you can't talk to him further if it's upsetting or confusing for you.

Dh and I have different religions - he was brought up as quite a strict Catholic and still has his faith, like you, it helps him in everyday life, he attends church etc..
I was christened in a Protestant church. I do believe, to an extent, but I'm not really actively religious.
I attend Catholic church sometimes with him (I'd be hard pushed finding a different one in this Country even if I wanted to) - it was a bit weird for Dh at first as I don't bless myself with holy water, cross myself nor can I receive holy communion as a non-catholic.
We were both aware of each others beliefs at the start of the relationship and apart from a few differences of opinion on both sides, it's not an issue and doesn't have to be for anyone so long as both parties are respectful of one another.

I think yabu. But only because you see it in black and white. I was brought up catholic. I attend catholic eductation until I was 18 and have an A level in theology. Whilst doing my a level I starter questioning my faith. It took many years to resolve it. I no longer class myself as catholic and while spiritual, I do not consider myself any religion.

I think your dp has probably being wrestling with this issue for a while and its come tumbling out after a drink. He may have been worried about discussing it with as you have such a strong faith. Nothing wrong with a strong faith, but it may have made him think twice. I don't think its a case of him lying, its a case of him figuring it out for himself. You say its not a deal breaker but what if you have kids and he doesn't want them baptised?

It's a strange co-incidence actually, I was trying to find the term for my own beliefs just this morning (Christian Atheist) and then I cam on MN and bam this post is here!

Funny world :)

and I'm glad the links helped you bogey and soup :)

I think the beers unlocked some thinking he'd been doing. I have similar background so not dismissing your beliefs. I'm not sure if he was hiding it so much as trying to work it out in his own mind.
Talk about it with him.

I think you're being a little unreasonable. You can have very strong religious feeling, and enjoy being in church and get a lot out of it, and still have difficulty believing in some kind of deity. A lot of people believe in a kind of power of good, which is enhanced by some kind of collective worship. Simply saying that he doesn't believe in God doesn't negate all of that - maybe he believes in a kind of 'Christian' good and engages with that in church. I go to church very regularly and am very involved in services etc. I still have difficulty imagining some kind of 'God' - and have great great difficulties with the idea that anyone would want me to worship an old testament God. Happy to go along with almost all of the teachings of Christ though.

Thank you all very much for your replies. Interesting to get people's own perspectives on belief.
I have decided that I will talk to him about this at a suitable time. I'm not sure whether it is a case of his faith being fluid and changing over time, him being a cultural Catholic and not really believing etc OR whether he just said he believed because it is something important to me and he thought I wouldn't be interested in being in a relationship with a non-believer.
I would like to know which of these two scenario it is because if it is the second then I need to find out what else he has said just to keep me on side as it were.

OP your post immediately made me think of Peter, whom Jesus tells (Matt. 26 : 34) "Jesus said to him, "Truly I say to you that this very night, before a rooster crows, you will deny Me three times".

Maybe the rooster will crow for him too.

I think you are being a bit U OP.

I think that is the Catholic religion for you. Many Catholics are very confused and often it is the cultural pull that binds them. It can be difficult to totally break away and maybe even really know what you belive. It can be very complicated.

So you are worried about lying/covering up/hiding? The church does all of those things so I'd start with them first

he's probably confused himself when it comes to explaining why/how he feels what he does re his beliefs.

i was brought up in a 'mainstream religious' family but never felt like i actually believed in it the way they did. i knew what i did NOT believe but could not explain even to myself WHY i believed what i did - can you imagine how difficult it was then to try and explain that to people who's beliefs were so strongly entrenched in their own faith?

i understand myself so much better now. nowadays i simply explain it as being 'spiritual'....not religious and not attached to any specific spiritual religion. i believe in the angels and i believe in the higher Power/Source that created all of life - including the angels - others call that Source God.

if your bf believes in guardian angels and the angelic realm then it is likely that he DOES believe in the concept of a higher power but just does not relate to it in the same way as the traditional belief in god tied up in religion.

the path to self enlightenment is not easy i would mention to him that even the angels themselves praise and give glory to god.....however it IS possible to believe in angels and not in a 'god'.....and it's perfectly ok to evolve your views/beliefs as you experience more of life and expand your consciousness

soulrebel that's brilliant! Makes an excellent point. If anything turned me from Catholicism, it was my theology a-level in a catholic school. The history of the catholic church, didn't endear me to the church at all.

carbediem Catholics and 'Protestants' are the same religion. The religion is Christianity. They are denominations of the religion. You are not a different religion to you OH so hope that helps resolve that issue for you.

OP peoples beliefs can be transient. He may have said he has never believed hut it may have taken him years to get to that point. On this point alone i think yabu. However, if this is standard for him, to lie to avoid conflict, then head over to relationshios to the theead about screaming banshees due to the passive agressive husband.

YANBU OP.
I'm saying this as an atheist. I wouldn't be happy if my partner had pretended to be an about atheist for 18 months, and I can understand the reverse situation as well. I would want to know a person's stand on faith and religion once the relationship moved past the initial stages, because it is part of who we are.

I can imagine two possibilities:

1. He has always disbelieved and known it, but thought he would get further with you via deceit. Obviously unacceptable.

2. He may just be consciously accepting what he has felt deep down his whole life, but never allowed to come to waking fruition, until now. No deceit, just growth in a direction that may or may not suit you.

I was the latter. It took me many, many years to be able to admit out loud that I didn't believe in God. I was raised in a bubble where that was simply unthinkable, and had been beaten (welts and broken skin) for once innocently saying I wasn't sure God was real, and on another occasion saying I didn't want to go to church.

Those two expressed thoughts only happened once each, around the age of 8, and then I simply buried all thoughts of those things... too dangerous to think, let alone speak out loud. So I did the rituals, spoke all the right words, prayed when expected, and for all the world looked, acted, and spoke like a true believer.

Except I never did believe, but it took a long time for that understanding to feel safe enough to resurface into my awareness, and break through the layers of protective fear and shame I had folded over it.

I don't know where your bf is coming from, it may be nothing like what I am describing, but I thought I may as well highlight the possibility based on my experience.

Puffin said For 18 months he has lied to you about something he knew was central to your life? He's played music in church, gone to Mass and all the rest, and now tells you that it was all a show? I'd wonder what else he'd been lying about.

I dont know if he has lied to you about anything else but he certainly has well and truly showed you his capacity for deceit and its not a good sign.

I think that if you have a strong faith, it is easy to assume that this is how all religious people experience their religion, but actually doubt and disbelief are perfectly normal parts of the religious experience for many people. An unshakeable belief in God is a nice thing to have, but think of all the religious writing, all the saints and holy figures who were constantly doubting God.

If he lied, that's a serious problem, but there people in most congregations who don't believe in the literal existence of God but still keep on going.