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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, another wedding one - Christmas wedding

97 replies

Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 11:06

I just need to check if IABU because I think my DH thinks I am and I suspect the B&G may think so also!

We have been invited to the full day at the wedding of one of DH's uni friends. Lovely bloke and lovely fiancée and under most circumstances I'd be delighted to go, they came to our wedding.

We have two children, who will be 9&5. They are not invited, which is absolutely fine with me. However, the wedding is several hours away and will require an overnight stay. It's also the 23rd December. We have very limited options for overnight care of our two, my mum is dead, dad is disabled and can't handle them alone for long periods, sister and BIL have a very busy life and are bound to have plans xmas eve. DH's family all the other end of the country and completely useless and disinterested.

Even if we could find someone to have them who doesn't mind giving up half their xmas eve to keep them till we get back in the early afternoon, I don't want to be away from them on xmas eve. We have a lot of traditions and it's usually a full busy day for us, and I think they would be upset.

I have told DH to accept the invitation and go solo and I will stay home with the kids, he usually works Xmas eve anyway so they won't be devastated at his absence. He thinks I'm being overly sentimental and that I should just ask around to find care for them. AIBU to say he should go alone?

OP posts:
happygirl87 · 19/03/2015 11:08

I got married on 20 Dec and was FULLY prepared for people to say it was too close to Christmas, which some did. I think YANBU.

mumhum · 19/03/2015 11:09

YANBU, when you have children compromises have to be made and I think he should be grateful you have suggested he go solo whilst you have the kids on your own.

BlueBananas · 19/03/2015 11:10

Definitely NBU
I wouldn't go, Christmas Eve is a very important day in our house I wouldn't be away from my children

Moomaloo · 19/03/2015 11:11

I'm with you. Christmas Eve is special, and I wouldn't want to be away from my kids then.

Arendelle · 19/03/2015 11:12

YANBU. I'm sure you won't be the only ones with a similar dilemma.

ghostyslovesheep · 19/03/2015 11:12

YANBU - if he's so bloody sure you are get HIM to sort out childcare

CurlyBlueberry · 19/03/2015 11:13

So NBU. Christmas Eve is really important to us. I wouldn't go. Sorry but if people pick a date like that, and then don't invite children, they have to understand that some people will not want to come.

squoosh · 19/03/2015 11:14

I wouldn't go. The bride and groom must be aware that planning a wedding for the day before Christmas Eve means that they'll get lots of refusals. It's a busy time.

It sounds as though it will be difficult finding someone to look after the kids so you're right to tell him to go alone.

YANBU.

squoosh · 19/03/2015 11:15

if he's so bloody sure you are get HIM to sort out childcare

Good point.

myredcardigan · 19/03/2015 11:15

I don't think YABU at all. They will be fully expecting that as kids aren't invited then many parents won't be able to come as it involves being away Christmas Eve. It's not even as though you are saying that DH can't go. You've told him to go alone which is fine. Just send the bride and groom an email saying that DH will come but unfortunately, you don't have anyone to have the children. Make sure it's cheery and congratulatory so they dont take it as snide.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/03/2015 11:17

Is there any way you could go for part of the day, and come back on the evening/night of the 23rd?

We had a similar issue last year, but a much sadder one. My MIL died at the beginning of December, and the only day we could have the funeral (once we had taken into account enough time to notify people, and had ruled out a whole week due to the dses having university exams, and the dog having a vital vet appointment), was the 23rd of December.

We live near Glasgow, and the funeral was in MIL's home village, in Hampshire, and the first plan was to spend the night before and the night after in a hotel, and fly back mid morning on Christmas Eve - but like you, I know Christmas Eve is a crazy busy day, and I wanted to have all of it at home - so we decided to fly back up on the evening of the 23rd - we were all home late, but it worked (as well as it could).

lynniep · 19/03/2015 11:20

I wouldn't go either. I think you're right to say DH should go but you are staying with the children.
If there is no-one you can think of immediately that could care for them, then 'finding 'someone' by 'asking around' means asking someone who wouldn't normally have them on two precious days of their year. Its therefore unreasonable to ask whoever you 'find'.

BrassicaBabe · 19/03/2015 11:22

Had a wedding a few years ago on 29th dec. It was a royal PITA!

Lucked · 19/03/2015 11:22

Some options to consider.

Go but one of you can't drink and leave after first dance.
Send him on his own.

But YANBU to not want to stay overnight.

butterfly2015 · 19/03/2015 11:24

Yanbu. Xmas eve is a special day for kids and like you, we pack it with things to do and have loads of.traditions. I would not attend either.

hennybeans · 19/03/2015 11:24

I think you've been very generous in agreeing to your DH going away for it. If I were in your position I would turn down the invite altogether, unless it was close family or a best friend.

In fact, I would personally turn down the invitation even if it weren't near Christmas as if I managed to find childcare for a night away, the last place I would spend it would be a friend's wedding.

Mrscog · 19/03/2015 11:26

Yeah either your DH will have to go alone, or you could do the stay until 8pmish then travel home. Ask him which he'd prefer?

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 11:33

I did consider coming back in the evening, but discounted it because any viable options for childcare for the day still live 45 minutes from us and it would be so disruptive for the DC to have to stay up till 10/11pm awaiting our return then nearly an hour home. I don't mind not drinking, but also felt it would be unfair to pull DH away as the festivities were kicking off, he doesn't see his uni crew often as several live abroad, and I thought it would be the better option if he went alone, stayed overnight, and had a chance for a proper catch up.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/03/2015 11:36

Is it at a hotel or is it an overnight stay at a local B&B? As it will be school holidays, could you bring them with you and arrange a local sitter?

To be honest, I worked last Christmas Eve until lunchtime [usually take it off] and found it really screwed up my day. I was running around until midnight on Christmas Eve sorting stuff out. I'd be inclined to try to get back if at all possible the night before which makes a sitter on home turf a bit easier.

Alternatively you could look on it as an opportunity, rent a cottage and spend Christmas away entirely this year ?

Original poster
Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 11:38

Christmas away is a no go, my dad is only quite recently widowed and would be devastated not to see us on Christmas day.

OP posts:
squoosh · 19/03/2015 11:42

They bride and groom must be quite unimaginative if they can't see why you're not keen on attending so close to Christmas.

ShadowStone · 19/03/2015 11:59

YANBU, it's going to cause too many problems that close to Christmas.

Your DH going alone sounds like a good compromise.

If the bride + groom have any sense they'll be expecting that quite a few invitees (especially parents) will decline the invite, given the date they've picked.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/03/2015 12:02

We had a Christmas wedding (not THAT close though) and would totally have understood people not being able to make it. Wouldn't have minded at all.

Christmas Eve is so special with little ones, YANBU.

Quenelle · 19/03/2015 12:18

YANBU I think you have suggested the only sensible option.

nbee84 · 19/03/2015 12:24

Could you take the children and book a nanny to take them out and about during the day, take them out for tea and put them to bed; babysitting until you return to your room.

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