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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sorry, another wedding one - Christmas wedding

97 replies

Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 11:06

I just need to check if IABU because I think my DH thinks I am and I suspect the B&G may think so also!

We have been invited to the full day at the wedding of one of DH's uni friends. Lovely bloke and lovely fiancée and under most circumstances I'd be delighted to go, they came to our wedding.

We have two children, who will be 9&5. They are not invited, which is absolutely fine with me. However, the wedding is several hours away and will require an overnight stay. It's also the 23rd December. We have very limited options for overnight care of our two, my mum is dead, dad is disabled and can't handle them alone for long periods, sister and BIL have a very busy life and are bound to have plans xmas eve. DH's family all the other end of the country and completely useless and disinterested.

Even if we could find someone to have them who doesn't mind giving up half their xmas eve to keep them till we get back in the early afternoon, I don't want to be away from them on xmas eve. We have a lot of traditions and it's usually a full busy day for us, and I think they would be upset.

I have told DH to accept the invitation and go solo and I will stay home with the kids, he usually works Xmas eve anyway so they won't be devastated at his absence. He thinks I'm being overly sentimental and that I should just ask around to find care for them. AIBU to say he should go alone?

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/03/2015 14:59

Send him solo. It's a reasonable compromise, he can have a hoot and get lashed up with old uni friends.

Babysitter for that length of time will cost about £180-£250. That might focus your DH on the reality of wanting you on his arm.

Sorry to hear about your Mum/Stepmum. All the more reason to be sensitive about being around really even if your Dad is only coming over on Christmas Day it would be nice to have the option to take the kids to see him on Christmas Eve or just be organised and hungover not stressed out.

TheFullGammon · 19/03/2015 15:00

YWBU if just declining for sentimental reasons I think, it's just one year and you could be back by christmas eve lunchtime.

However I really couldn't bring myself to ask a friend for this favour so close to christmas. Maybe ask BIL and SIL - we'd be thrilled to have DNiece over anytime, she's family. And personally I wouln't hire a nanny I and my children had never met before just so I could go to a wedding. It's a social engagement, not a childcare emergency.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 19/03/2015 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 19/03/2015 15:26

YANBU The OP says it's a 3 hour journey, presumably in okay weather conditions, so what happens it it snows/is really icy. That could increase the journey time considerably.

Childcare is a concern. Not everyone, including the OP by the sounds of it, has the money to pay for childcare. I also doubt there'd be many people too keen on a sleepover so close to christmas especially if they have their own family traditions.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 19/03/2015 15:27

Oops, meant to add there's no reason why your DH shouldn't go on his own seeing as you're happy for him to do that.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/03/2015 15:52

YANBU. But maybe there's still away around this.

If you have friends that can take your DC overnight on the 23rd, could you drive home that night and pick them up at breakfast time on Christmas Eve? I know if I was watching a friend's kids I'd much rather tuck them (and myself) up for the night and have the parents pick them up the next morning than have to wait up until all hours and do a handover. That's what we used to do (albeit it was the grandparents watching them) when DH and I went out of a night with friends.

Or is there a friend or older teen that you'd trust to stay overnight with them at yours? You could still come home that night and they could either leave or finish the night in a spare room or on the sofa.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 15:56

He wants you both to go then he can do all the sorting. Tbh, though, I would stick to my guns and send him on his own. Too much faff at a very busy time of the year when people want to be with their families.

CarlaVeloso · 19/03/2015 17:23

Right, so, based on your updates you are clearly ruling out all option bar staying at home and letting your DH go alone.

If you are asking whether that is acceptable - yes, of course it is. Do it and be happy.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 17:28

The OP never asked for 'other options' but if she were being unreasonable by saying her DH should go alone.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/03/2015 17:41

Yanbu.
But fwiw, if a friend of mine needed childcare at that time Id happily oblige.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/03/2015 17:42

wonder if the B&G chose this date to reduce numbers/costs .......

if it wasnt so near xmas what would you do, say beg dec? would you both go/get a bs/relative to have them?

options

dh goes alone and stays in B&b there
you both go and one of you drive back and money dh would have spent on accommodation is spent on childcare/babysitter
you could ask s/bil to have them at yours and you drive home as in no 2, so you dont ruin their plans if any for 24th
s/bil have at theirs and you both stay at wedding/overnight and head back at 8am and hope to be back by 12/1pm
9yr stays with friend overnight, and your dad just has 5yr who i hope wouldnt play him up and be in bed at 7pm, you both come home

i know you said you were happy for dh to go alone unlike some threads but you have plenty of notice 8mths + to find a babysitter/kids get to know her (ie you go out a few times) so if it is money stopping you having no accommodation for dh will pay childcare costs roughly

seems a shame to not try and sort out childcare if good friends .

mandy214 · 19/03/2015 18:06

I would also be more than willing to have my DD's friend for a day / night to help out as an one off if it meant her parents could go to a wedding.

Would also willingly have nephews to stay (i.e. as your BIL/SIL could) overnight so their parents could go.

I suppose it depends what your relationships are like with DD's friends' parents and your relations. I've been part of a babysitting circle that we started off with a group of new mums in reception so lots of the mums/children know each other very well.

LovesYoungDream · 19/03/2015 18:16

Could you take them with you and get a babysitter at the hotel, get up early the next day and drive home, that way you are all together, get to attend the wedding and spend Christmas Eve together, bring some Christmas CD's and stop off somewhere on the way home to do some Christmassy stuff.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/03/2015 18:26

Id just tell DH he can either go alone or he can sort childcare. Its a big ask (immediate family outstanding) for someone to have two kids for 24 hours that close to Christmas and I dont think I could ask anyone to do it - so if he is adamant he can do it.

pookamoo · 19/03/2015 18:30

We had similar last year, and DH stayed home with the DC while I did a long round day trip with another friend who was going alone.

MaryWestmacott · 19/03/2015 18:30

I normally would be happy to have a friend's DCs overnight at that age, but not that close to christmas - I always host christmas and the idea of having a housefull on christmas eve when I need to be preping food stuff, cleaning, doing last minute sorting out, nope.

I would say if your DH wants to go, he sorts childcare. He doesn't just assume you can find someone to take them and give up their last couple of days before Christmas to look after your DCs. Anyone hosting a large number will probably say no. anyone who has to travel to family would probably want you back early so they could get on the road on Christmas eve. People not travelling might well have family staying arriving that day. Religious people may want to take their family to church... It's a day of the year when when most people have traditions and plans. It's a much bigger ask than any other day of the year, and not just your family traditions you'd be giving up, but the people who look after your DCs.

DH going alone makes more sense.

CapnMurica · 19/03/2015 18:34

I think the bride and groom are going to be really disappointed - you won't be the only ones to not go.

A no children Christmas wedding? Bonkers!

(I would totally support a no children wedding btw, it's just, at Christmas?!?!)

PurplePITA · 19/03/2015 18:35

I think your plan sounds good. I would understand if I were the B&G

CrystalCove · 19/03/2015 18:47

There is nothing precious about wanting to spend Christmas Eve with your children. Even without that I wouldn't as I'm really busy on Christmas Eve with all the food prep. And I would rather be in my house listening to Christmas music when I make the soup etc and watch a Christmas film with the kids etc than spending hours and hours driving home, never mind there might be travel problems. Love how your DH thinks it will be easy to just "ask around" for childcare. I can just imagine the AIBU to say no to my friend who wants me to have her 2 children from 23rd into Christmas Eve, I've got so much to do and then I want to spend time with my kids not looking after hers etc etc

TheRealMaryMillington · 19/03/2015 19:02

Och, I think you could go tbh

Especially as it is currently MARCH and you have 9 months to sort out arrangements. The kids could have a special Xmas eve time with their aunt or uncle, and you could scoop them up by lunchtime.

Just needs you to be a bit more prepared.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 19/03/2015 19:05

I think getting childcare would be difficult, not because it's Christmas Eve but because it's a weekday.

TBH, I'm a bit about all the people saying "Christmas Eve is so special". It's a working day, not a bank holiday. Most of us are at work that day. I have occasionally taken leave on Christmas Day. if I was on leave, then I'd be quite happy to look after a friend's children if she was picking them up by lunchtime.

I think your dh going alone is a good compromise.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 19:06

The OP doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to be away from her kids for a wedding. The onus is not on her to sort out childcare arrangements. So she told the husband to go on his own. It's a wedding, not a court summons.

SenatusPopulusqueRomanorum · 19/03/2015 19:09

YANBU. We got married on Dec 20th because it was the only way all my (emigrated) siblings could attend. Some people couldn't come and we were OK with it.

AmysTiara · 19/03/2015 19:10

I wouldn't go either in your situation. I imagine the bride and groom will be prepared for some refusals if they have decided on a wedding so close to Christmas

Yepcomfortable · 19/03/2015 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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