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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sorry, another wedding one - Christmas wedding

97 replies

Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 11:06

I just need to check if IABU because I think my DH thinks I am and I suspect the B&G may think so also!

We have been invited to the full day at the wedding of one of DH's uni friends. Lovely bloke and lovely fiancée and under most circumstances I'd be delighted to go, they came to our wedding.

We have two children, who will be 9&5. They are not invited, which is absolutely fine with me. However, the wedding is several hours away and will require an overnight stay. It's also the 23rd December. We have very limited options for overnight care of our two, my mum is dead, dad is disabled and can't handle them alone for long periods, sister and BIL have a very busy life and are bound to have plans xmas eve. DH's family all the other end of the country and completely useless and disinterested.

Even if we could find someone to have them who doesn't mind giving up half their xmas eve to keep them till we get back in the early afternoon, I don't want to be away from them on xmas eve. We have a lot of traditions and it's usually a full busy day for us, and I think they would be upset.

I have told DH to accept the invitation and go solo and I will stay home with the kids, he usually works Xmas eve anyway so they won't be devastated at his absence. He thinks I'm being overly sentimental and that I should just ask around to find care for them. AIBU to say he should go alone?

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 19/03/2015 19:23

I think your compromise is ideal. I wouldn't want to have anyones kids for a sleepover that close to Christmas. It is an incredibly busy time of year and there is just too much going on.

My DB got married 5 days before Christmas and it was a pain, even though my DC were invited.

If the wedding was local I would say you should go, but 3 hours away, no chance. As others have mentioned the weather can be awful which could leave you stuck miles away from your DC.

TheRealMaryMillington · 19/03/2015 19:25

OTOH, it's a wedding, of close friends.

It could be very lovely, a chance to be festive and celebrate with a group of friends who you might not otherwise get to see, or be with at the same time, and a chance to be away without the kids with her DH, who clearly would like her to go with him.

Christmas need not be diminished. There's probably just about enough time to plan.

carabos · 19/03/2015 19:33

We got married on Xmas Eve and solved the problem by having the wedding party (immediate families and any other hangers on who were up for it) to stay for the duration - the party ended on NYDay as it turned out . There's no way we would have had it child free, and definitely not at Xmas. YANBU.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 20:05

She doesn't want to go and celebrate without her kids.

eddielizzard · 19/03/2015 20:08

he should go on his own. yanbu

TheRealMaryMillington · 19/03/2015 20:14

But her DH would like her to and sometimes doing something to make someone else happy even if it puts you out a bit is what makes the world go round.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 20:27

'But her DH would like her to and sometimes doing something to make someone else happy even if it puts you out a bit is what makes the world go round.'

Then he can make her happy by not going at all, by that token. That works both ways. She will be made unhappy doing this, so suggested a compromise.

ShadowStone · 19/03/2015 20:33

TheRealMaryMillington - I would guess that the OP's kids would also be happier if both parents, or at least their mum, spent all of the 23rd and 24th of December with them doing family Christmassy traditions. Op also wants to stay home.

So by your logic, it could be argued that the OP's DH should stay at home too and make his DW and DC happy by doing family Christmassy stuff and not go to the wedding at all.

ShadowStone · 19/03/2015 20:34

x-posted!

runningforfreedom · 19/03/2015 20:35

YANBU I actually think it's very fair of you to say for him to go alone. Christmas eve with children is very special but to be honest, even with that aside the logistics sound like a bit of a nightmare. Christmas is meant to be fun, and is often hectic enough as it is without added stress.
I guess it depends how close your DH is to them/how upset they would be.
Is it possible just to go to the day? As in not attend late at all? Leave before the meal? Have you spoken to the couple about it?

Springtulip · 19/03/2015 20:40

Yanbu, they will surely expect that a lot can't go so near to Christmas. I personally wouldn't go, let DH either go on his own or just dont bother at all. Perfectly OK for both of you to decline.

TheRealMaryMillington · 19/03/2015 21:10

I actually don't think the OP is being unreasonable but find it a little sad to dismiss something out of hand just because of some rules you have set for yourself about tradition, or because it is a tiny bit inconvenient.

I also tend not to see a wedding invitation as a summons to something tedious and unpleasant, to which I am only expected to attend in order to make up numbers and bring gifts. But I know I am in the minority on MN.

If, of course, the OP just can't be bothered to go, then that's fair enough. But she might miss out on something lovely is all.

keepsmiling2015 · 19/03/2015 21:15

YANBU Christmas is a special time and for me it's all about family. I'd hate to have to travel home on Christmas eve! I think you're being v v reasonable.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2015 21:28

She would miss out on being with her kids at a time of year she truly wants to be with them most of all. For some people, that's far more important than any wedding. They don't see anything lovely about having to leave their kids overnight at that time of year for something unnecessary.

AGirlCalledBoB · 19/03/2015 21:35

YANBU I have loads of plans around christmas and have traditions with my son. I would not go away overnight on the 23rd.

5Foot5 · 19/03/2015 21:36

Not at all precious. There is so much to do in the days before Christmas that I would find it a massive PITA to travel 3 hours each way to a wedding.

OPs solution is the best IMO.

If anyone is being precious here it is the B&G for choosing a day that will inconvenience so many people and assuming everyone will be happy to disrupt their Christmas arrangements to be at their do.

Original poster

Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 21:47

It's not really a tiny bit inconvenient, though, it's massively inconvenient, and any of the alternatives that would enable me to go are a faff, or prohibitively expensive.

I have left them before to go to a wedding, and it was indeed a lovely wedding and we enjoyed ourselves. However, it was a random weekend in September, and they were with my mum, who is the only person they've ever stayed overnight with (mum and dad, but mum doing all the actual looking after). If that was still possible, I'd probably consider it, because they would be happy and she would do lots of lovely Christmassy things to make sure they were happy.

DH seems to coming around to the idea of a drunken reunion, I'm sure with 9 months to prepare for the reality of a wife free trip, he'll be ok.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 19/03/2015 21:59

yab very reasonable. I wouldnt go.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/03/2015 22:01

I have reconsidered and I think its a fucking nightmare.
Christmas is great.
But inordinately stressful. Adding to that with their Christmassy festive wedding makes the B&G pretty unreasonable imo.
I wouldnt go.

BrockAuLit · 19/03/2015 22:03

YANBU.

On the one hand I think there are loads of Xmas eves to come, but hopefully only one wedding of this friend. On the other hand, the logistics would ruin any of the fun for me too. I think, on balance, that the b&g are probably expecting a tonne of rejections. You'd have to, booking yor wedding two days before Xmas eve.

Original poster

Welshmaenad · 19/03/2015 22:04

In defence of the B&G, I believe their timing is to do with expats coming home anyway for Xmas, and trying to avoid people having to make two expensive trips. Also I don't think many of the guests have kids, they don't, so they probably didn't look at it from that POV.

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/03/2015 22:08

Ok.
If you actually wuld like to go to their wedding I would aarrange childcare and get back early on 24/12.
As i said before, I would happily look after a friend's children overnight for that. It would be fun.
But yanbu to not want to go of course.

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