AIBUto think it's actually more impossible to work full time with teenagers than younger children?

[bbcessex]

Just that really. I work (more than) full time; I have a high profile role in my area of specialism.. I work long hours, I travel, I have a lot of tight deadlines etc. I am fortunate because I can to a large degree dictate my own schedule, and I can work from pretty much anywhere.. I have very much a role measured on success rather than input (although it needs a lot of input to be successful).

I've seen a number of threads on MN recently that have made me realise that maybe I'm not alone in thinking that it actually gets harder to hold down a demanding job when your DC are older...yet every headline or article on the 'working mum / parent' front seems to centre around availability of childcare / cost of childcare / guilt about 'leaving' your children etc. etc.

I've never once seriously thought about cutting back or stopping work before; but my DC are 15 and 13 now and I'm currently dropping the ball in numerous areas.. none of which I've done when they were younger and it IS all child-related stuff.. I've always been fortunate enough to be able to pay for the exact sort of childcare I wanted.. but now - I don't really need 'childcare' and I should be experiencing some 'freedom' at this stage - or at least I thought.. but looking back, when then most stressful part of my day was getting to the nursery by 6om and getting them into bed by 7pm, I'm thinking that those were the golden years!

AIBU to think that actually - it's much, much harder to work long hours in a demanding role when your DC are revising / taking exams / needing you to push them / arrange tutors / challenge them / cajole them / threaten them! / console them.. none of this can really be done by a childminder / nanny / third party..

AIBU? or am I doing it wrong? HELP!

Oh, jeez, I wish I hadn't clicked on this, and yet I've found myself unable to stop reading
I've just been offered a full time post, fairly local - maximum 30 mins travel time. I haven't had paid work for quite a while, and have been volunteering during school hours for the last 3 years. So, now I'm about to embark on full time work - DC are 8 and 10, and I'm already absolutely panicking about school holidays, sports days, assemblies, feeling terribly guilty about "leaving" them etc etc. Hoping I can do this.

Re the letting myself in the house thing. I honestly don't think it did me any harm at all. Dad got home relatively early (5pm) so I wasn't alone for long.
Also I had my younger brother. So he would have been 8 me 9.

I wouldn't do it with my kids mostly because I would be judged by other parents. The idea that an 11 year old needs childminding for 2 hours after school baffles me. But maybe I will have a different point of view when my kids are older.

Really interesting thread. I agree, it depends on the child and I also agree that the world has really changed. I found parenting a teen the hardest stage of all. At least little children are pleased to see you. You go through a stage of being a considerable embarrassment to a young person of 13/14/15. I found it harder and more important to keep the lines of communication open. When you hear of all the reports of young people suffering with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, stress, cyber-bullying, etc you feel you need, if you can, to give your children more time. They may think they are totally independent and fully adult, but they sure ain't. This is so hard for people who have to work long hours to make ends meet.

Thank you to those who have been honest and say they still need you when they are at university. I have found this to be true. They still need your support to help them cope with this stage of independence.

Being a parent is a life long role and it is the hardest and most rewarding in the world. I'm not sure what the answer to all this, if there is one!

I don't think it's 'shock horror' to allow teens to let themselves in or be at home alone!

Every single family I know are fine with kids being in the house alone from roughly age 11 onwards for periods of time.

I also agree there is too much 'we have to help them with homework' going on. This may be true in some cases where dc need support and help or need a lot of nudging, and where schools actually expect parental input, but my teens more or less get on with their own. Because if they don't they will get in shit for it by the school.

I think irregularregular has hit it on the head. You need to be present but not constantly monitoring. A parent who is simply never there is not good for a child at any age. They need to know you are watching and interested.

Unless you live in the sticks teenagers should be able to get themselves to activities and should have some independence.

I do not get the angst over Uni forms etc, I don't know why we wouldn't just expect our DC to be able to master these relatively straightforward tasks.

A friend of mine is a Uni admissions officer and he said that the change over the past 20 years has been incredible, now most new students arrive with their parents who queue whilst their darlings go off for coffee. He said these DC are utterly hopeless and need steering from Mummy and Daddy all the way through Uni!

whitecloud.. I did laugh out load at this statement ... at least little children are pleased to see you... that is SO true!!!!

Apart from a regular phone call and visits home every three months, I got on with University by myself. I was an adult and wouldn't have expected anything else.

Also conversations as a teenager about splitting up with boyfriends, I would have talked to friends about issues such as that.

that sucks.. what happens if they do get in bother with it from the school? surely if that continues more than once / twice then it raises alarm bells? and then parents are asked to become involved?

I do understand with the children that don't need it.. my DS doesn't, and I've never (fingers crossed) had a single issue.. but DD is a different case entirely.

I'm another one going completely against the majority view on this thread - with the one exception of after-school/holiday care. I can see that it's useful that I'm physically in the house after school. But I'm working. I work till about 6.45, when I reluctantly quit my desk and go and start making dinner.

I don't supervise homework - they've got rooms and desks to do it, they have homework planners, they get on with it. (Effectively. They have become very good at managing their own deadlines. If there is a total deadline crisis I'll help advise but that's about it. And I have been known to suggest ways to do a bit of English homework.) I do one pickup a week - DD2 from her brass band, but if I have a deadline crisis of my own I'll ask her to walk back. DD1 gets to and from her numerous out-of-school drama activities on her own. I open the door to DD2's saxophone teacher and make him a cup of tea, but that's hardly arduous.

I talk to my children, I listen to them, I try and help smooth out stuff that's going wrong, I'll email school if they need me to, but I don't find it as hellishly all-consuming as small children. The joy of having literate continent conversationalists in the house has still not worn off.

Whitecloud: At least little children are pleased to see you - so true!

Harry I completely agree with your post and could have written it myself!

OP I have always felt very strongly that children need you more the older they get, so I do agree with you.

The school highlighted problems to us but then it was for us to sort out.

motherinferior I am officially "liking" your post.

I must admit to also being baffled by parents who complete university forms etc , I never even saw Ds's but know plenty whose parents wrote them .

Amuses me when people quote university staff laughing at parental involvement , firstly because the person I know who basically wrote their child's UCAS form was a university academic and secondly because universities are quite happy to chase parents for rent etc , it is almost impossible if you are on middle income for a student not to be reliant on financial support from parents , in fact the system assumes it, so parents are now involved , they want to know their money is well spent.

There's nothing wrong with teens being home after school if it works well for your family.
Personally, I liked being at home because it didn't limit the activities and hobbies the dc were able to attend.
The homework side though, I agree that if the dc don't do it they are the one's in trouble.
I do think you are more aware of what is going on if you are at home and there is less pulling the wool over your eyes.
Some of the things me and my siblings used to get up to and some of the things our ds said their friends got up to, I was glad to be at home.

marking place

I wish I could be more relaxed about poor homework / lack of effort / ability... I just can't reconcile myself with the "it's your choice, your life" option, because I don't think (my) teenager is mature enough yet to quite understand the consequences.

I got no help or support when I was a teenager; yes, I managed to turn it around and make a success of my career, but I really don't think today's employment market has the opportunity for that. If you leave school with virtually no qualifications or poor grades these days, what on earth is the option for you?

bbc you might find it works itself out.

Both my DC have always been very motivated, but DD took much longer to become independent than DS.

Where he just went to his room and worked (or more often did the work in school), DD wanted a permenant audience it seemed to me. It got very boring!

Then suddenly, bam, she just began to work on her own about six months ago (admittedly she was 15). In a different room (before she would spread out in the kitchen), not asking any questions, not needing to be endlessly cheered on and tested.

I even offered to read something over the other day and she just smiled and said 'if you like'. I was .

I'm not 'relaxed about poor homework'. If I thought my children were handing in poor-quality homework - which their teachers would tell me about - I would be on their case. I actually think that expecting them to show a degree of organisation and motivation for themselves is quite a good idea.

I'm different with music practice. That I do nag about. But a competent secondary school student is going to see the results of not doing their homework properly, learn from it and improve next time.

I don't hover over homework. It is up to them to make sure they do it and to an acceptable standard. I will help if asked (and I am able to!)

This is fine with DD who is a competent student and keen to do her best most of the time. However DS finds school boring, homework even more boring and does his best to avoid it/do the least possible to get by. But that is his problem, not mine until the phone rings from school/parents evening

thanks TheWordFactory - that gives me hope!

motherinferior.. I think perhaps your experience may be based on being lucky with the organisational abilities of your DC. If both mine were competent and working to their full potential then I wouldn't have such a concern...

I've just had a text 'staying at school till about half five and then going direct to youth theatre'. This is much easier than juggling the earlier years!

I think it's a policy of long-term neglect finally paying off . Seriously, I don't think I'm lucky. They're lovely kids (in that I am lucky) but not preternaturally well-organised or anything.

Actually, I think what I find most difficult (apart from taxiing at all sorts of hours) is that their problems aren't just little ones which you can easily sort.

When they are bumping along happily, then of course teenagers are easier. But when the going gets tough, it's a whole different ball-game.