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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step-MIL post - how best to handle this?

72 replies

OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 15:38

Please tell me if I'm being crazy / overreacting!

My StepMIL is rude and/or aggressive to me on a too-regular basis. She & my FIL live ~3 hours away, so we probably only see them 4-6 times a year, and I should stress that it isn't every time that something happens & I come home feeling horrible.

She's made it very clear that I'm far from the favourite DIL - I'm never included in the girlie family circle whether it's spa days (no thx!) or the little cocktail club they had going on on Christmas Day (ohhh - I like cocktails too...)

I (only) work 4 days a week due to chronic health problems - she's aggressively 'shamed' me in front of the family for talking to DH about our shared plan to get a cleaner (because if I'm P/T for any reason that's obviously something I should be doing.

She's screamed at me in front of a room full of 12 people during board games until I left in tears, because she was upset at me getting an answer her team hasn't. She came upstairs, smacked my backside and told me to "get back downstairs and stop ruining the fun for everybody". She then told me that "not everybody's as clever as you, so why don't you just shut up".

She also makes unpleasant comments about my eating - something I struggle with, especially when others are feeding you and Expectations - DH and I were going off to a restaurant and I joked to him that their "Meals for Little People" (obv kids' menu!) was especially for me (I'm 5' 2" and he calls me Little One)
I know this is getting pretty War & Peace. Don't want to drop feed. Gist is, I've told DH that either (1) he can stand up for me when she says these sort of things (I'm not supposed to kick off, cos family drama) or (2) I will come along for birthdays, xmases etc but don't expect me to go for a 'just because' lunch or weekend. He doesn't feel comfortable promising to stand up for me (but would be pretty upset if I gave her a true piece of my mind).

TL;DR: am I being a bitch to think I shouldn't have to do more than the basic dutiful visits if no one's going to tell SMIL where to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 15:40

Ach posted too soon - will ask MNHQ for editing! Ignore food paragraph as it's incomplete - but essentially a comment to recovering ED size 8 me about how "my appetite's hardly a little person's though, is it?!"

Sigh.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 17/03/2015 15:43

Why go at all? I don't like my DP's parents at all so don't ever see them. If he doesn't like it, tough! Is that not a workable solution?

ChaircatMiaow · 17/03/2015 15:43

Sorry, but why the hell won't your DH stand up for you?

fuzzywuzzy · 17/03/2015 15:44

In your shoes, I wouldn't even do basic visits, either he supports you to the hilt and se stops being super witch to you or you step away form his side of family events full stop.

That is honestly what I would do, she screamed at you over a board game, she assaulted you for leaving the room, she reckons you should keep quiet because your clever. It would take just one of those for me to never grace her presence ever again!

I take it if it were the other way round your DH would put up and shut up if he were on the receiving end of targeted bullying from a member of your family?

MythicalKings · 17/03/2015 15:44

She sounds awful but your problem is your DH not standing up for you. If he isn't going to then, in your place, I just wouldn't go again.

Heels99 · 17/03/2015 15:45

Don't go. Simples! It is not com
Ulsorty to spend time with this woman so don't.

FlipperSkipper · 17/03/2015 15:48

I wouldn't have anything to do with the woman. Your DH should stand up for you too.

Original poster
OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 15:48

@Chaircat - you tell me :( he's usually v good with this sort of thing - called my parents out when they were being arses difficult before he'd even met them, and stood up for me without my knowledge on the stupid Christmas cocktails thing, ie "why are you leaving OneMillion out of your little club?" but it doesn't make much difference.

I don't want to go totally nc - I get I well with his dad, aunt, nan etc - but have told him I'm cutting it back to 'formal visiting occasions', if you like, when refusing to go over the next couple of weekends on a 'just because' trip

OP posts:
iniac · 17/03/2015 15:48

She 'smacked' you? You mean that she assaulted you surely!
Do you have children?

iklboo · 17/03/2015 15:50

Don't go. If your DH 'isn't comfortable' standing up for you he can explain why you're not there. You're an adult - you don't have to put up with her behaviour, particularly assaulting & insulting you.

It's fairly clear she's jealous of you.

Original poster
OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 15:50

@fuzzy He would never have to find out. I'd be all over that like Fuck on Off. Says it all really, doesn't it?

(For what it's worth, she is pretty scary... Wink)

OP posts:
Isthatwhatdemonsdo · 17/03/2015 15:50

Why do you allow yourself to spoken to in such a rude manner?As for her smacking your bottom! she would have been knocked into next week if that was me. You need to stand up for yourself if you choose to continue to see this awful woman.

iklboo · 17/03/2015 15:51

Next birthday give her a mirror engraved 'Mirror, mirror on the wall', a copy of Maleficent & 'Toxic' by Britney Spears.

Original poster
OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 15:52

@iniac No children as yet - if you're thinking about violence & impulse control I share your concerns!

OP posts:
Heels99 · 17/03/2015 15:54

I don't understand all this 'dh should stick up for you'. You should stick up for yourself, tell her she behaves unacceptably. Don't accept Her behaviour. She treats you like this because you let her. That is your choice, start making a different choice.

KateSpade · 17/03/2015 15:55

As the PP, she smacked your bottom as an Adult? Shock

I probably would have punched her, or at least pushed her!

Still very Shock

Original poster
OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 15:56

@isthatwhat I'm usually SO assertive and don't take people's shit. I don't know what possesses me to be so passive/almost apologetic in this case. You're right though (maybe not the punching - that pretty much strips my Moral High Ground away with the family I do gel well with)

OP posts:
HighwayDragon · 17/03/2015 15:57

I'd have punched her in the face if she'd smacked my backside Angry

CatsCantTwerk · 17/03/2015 15:58

Exactly what Heels99 said.

iniac · 17/03/2015 15:59

Violence and impulse control was exactly what I was thinking about!
She sounds awful. Sad

Original poster
OneMillionScovilles · 17/03/2015 16:02

@iklboo LMAO - I think I

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 17/03/2015 16:06

No you are being bullied but why oh why have you not told her to shut the fuck up yet?

iklboo · 17/03/2015 16:08

It's not overreacting. Assault, screaming & shouting, exclusion, belittling & making disparaging remarks in front of others? Bullying behaviour. And she's been allowed to get away with it.

iklboo · 17/03/2015 16:10

'Step-MIL, I must introduce you to my friends (raise middle finger) Fuck (raise index finger) and Off'.

iniac · 17/03/2015 16:11

He may not be ready to fight your corner. If he sees her behavior as normal then he may not know how to tackle it.

You are being bullied and her family are colluding by allowing it to happen. You don't have to see her at all if you don't want to.