Step-MIL post - how best to handle this?

[OneMillionScovilles]

Please tell me if I'm being crazy / overreacting!

My StepMIL is rude and/or aggressive to me on a too-regular basis. She & my FIL live ~3 hours away, so we probably only see them 4-6 times a year, and I should stress that it isn't every time that something happens & I come home feeling horrible.

She's made it very clear that I'm far from the favourite DIL - I'm never included in the girlie family circle whether it's spa days (no thx!) or the little cocktail club they had going on on Christmas Day (ohhh - I like cocktails too...)

I (only) work 4 days a week due to chronic health problems - she's aggressively 'shamed' me in front of the family for talking to DH about our shared plan to get a cleaner (because if I'm P/T for any reason that's obviously something I should be doing.

She's screamed at me in front of a room full of 12 people during board games until I left in tears, because she was upset at me getting an answer her team hasn't. She came upstairs, smacked my backside and told me to "get back downstairs and stop ruining the fun for everybody". She then told me that "not everybody's as clever as you, so why don't you just shut up".

She also makes unpleasant comments about my eating - something I struggle with, especially when others are feeding you and Expectations - DH and I were going off to a restaurant and I joked to him that their "Meals for Little People" (obv kids' menu!) was especially for me (I'm 5' 2" and he calls me Little One)
I know this is getting pretty War & Peace. Don't want to drop feed. Gist is, I've told DH that either (1) he can stand up for me when she says these sort of things (I'm not supposed to kick off, cos family drama) or (2) I will come along for birthdays, xmases etc but don't expect me to go for a 'just because' lunch or weekend. He doesn't feel comfortable promising to stand up for me (but would be pretty upset if I gave her a true piece of my mind).

TL;DR: am I being a bitch to think I shouldn't have to do more than the basic dutiful visits if no one's going to tell SMIL where to go?

Why do women on here always seem to want their oh to stand up for them when it comes to his family.

Stand up for yourself. Don't take that shit from her. Tell her to fuck off if she says something to her. If your oh complains, it says more about him than you.

Just want to join in the chorus of yanbu to tell the awful woman where to go and your DH to grow a pair and stick up for you!
As a fellow ED in recovery (mostly) I know how hard it can be when people make stupid remarks which seem only to make it even harder.

Anyway, the woman assaulted you! I'd be demanding a full-on grovelling appology before ever spending a second in her presence again.

If DH backs the OP up as well it negates all the 'she is just being a snippy / mardy little bitch. Can't take a joke' response. I've been there with ex & his family. When DH told his dad to stop talking to me like he used to it worked. Me telling him on my own was me being 'stroppy'.

Imperial this is it

Thanks, Crystal!

It has to be you that stands up to her. She sounds terrible and if the rest of the family sit there without defending you they are a sorry bunch. But until you stick up for #1 she is just going to keep at it.

She could be the nicest DW on the planet, but as she has so little respect for you and isn't ashamed to show it, why would you bother spending any time more than necessary under FIL's roof. Keep visits to a minimum. She might be the sort of person who enjoys an audience so don't let her get away with it. Until she can handle small conflicts like an adult don't let her run you ragged.

Head tilt if need be, concerned look, "Are you feeling okay? There's a little vein popping on your forehead". Or, baffled, just, "What are you going on about?"

That said, I think by now your DH could intervene unless he thinks having you there usefully deflects any criticism.

Wowsers! What a horrible woman.

I'm inclined to say you need to stand up for yourself on this one. Who knows, maybe she can see that you're the kind of person who can stand up for yourself. Maybe everyone else feels bullied too.

Call her out on her behaviour when she belittles you in front of people. "Wow, how rude", "are you feeling ok SMIL". "hormones in charge today SMIL?"

I know it sounds like I'm simplifying it, but if you are the kind of person who stands up for yourself normally, then do it!

Jeez! N similar situation here. Dh refuses to stand up to mummy. Mummy gets away with god awful behaviour towards me. It's accepted.

I've told him enough is enough. Either he has a word or I will. Don't care how much of ascene I make. I am not putting up with her verbal (only thank god) abuse any more.

What are you going to do if she assaults one of your children like she's assaulted you?

Your DH is your problem as well OP. If you challenge her what would she say? Tbh I wouldn't even bother turning up; if he won't stand up for you now and challenge her would he stand up for you or take her side if you did?

She is a bully and you aren't overreacting. I expect, secretly, everyone is relieved she's a bitch to you so she isn't to them.

YANBU, at all. And not too identifiable as I have a v v similar step MiL. I told mine, very politely, to stop it and she exploded into a wild screaming rant which terrified by DC. Haven't seen her in over a year now and it's great.

You are all amazing. (Not sure AIBU has ever had this level of consensus before!) Thank you all so much for listening to my worries xx

I promise I'll do a much better job of standing up for myself.

Good for you, OP. possible strategies, stay calm: 'Have you finished?' Pause. 'Good.' Then change the subject. Or 'Why are you shouting?' Often the response to this is 'I'M NOT SHOUTING!' - which will make her appear a little foolish. And there's always 'Really? So what are you going to do about it - physically assault me again?' Normally I'm a pushy cat but I am inspired by that SIL thread Good luck.

*pussy

She sounds absolutely vile.

Try, if you can, to keep your cool and your dignity. If someone spanked me or did that over trivial pursuit, it'd be a raised eyebrow and a pithy comment in front of others (now now Doris, temper temper, sort of thing.) show her she's the idiot with the temper and you are the grown up. YOU have to do this, not your Dh, alas. Keep your calm face on, even if you're a trembling wreck the moment you leave. Do not ever, ever lose your rag in front of others when she's there. A polite, 'I'd prefer if you didn't say that, it's very rude, people are looking at you.' Is effective. Be lovely to everyone else in the group.

I would then follow that up by getting her alone and telling her in no uncertain terms, to leave me the fuck alone or there will be consequences. When it's just you and her, you dont shout, you dont raise your voice. You give her the thousand yard death stare and calmly say something like, " if you ever treat me like that again, I will make sure you never see your son, or your grandkids again. You are a hateful woman. I don't know what your issue with me is, but this stops here and now. Do you understand? Now, let's go downstairs and start again.'

Time to fight back!

By the way, I'm not suggesting you should cut her off from Dh and your kids. You're just unleashing your inner fury in a controlled but deadly manner, whilst maintaining a dignified calm in public.

Good advice from tallwiv above !

I'm with Ickboo- your dh should back you up. Shouldn't partners/ husbands/ wives 'watch each others backs'.
Particularly when the other family members appear spineless.
She's a bully and those being bullied need support.

Another one joining the consensus, she's a vile bully and you and your DH need to stand up to her. Good luck.

I wouldn't ever go at all. If Fil wants a relationship with you he needs to ensure his wife behaves in a civil manner. The whole lot of them are enabling this.

She's a vile bully and doesn't want you there. Don't go at all any more. You don't have to put up with this. You can see FIL separately if you and he both want to but if you accept this behaviour it will continue.