Step-MIL post - how best to handle this?

[OneMillionScovilles]

Please tell me if I'm being crazy / overreacting!

My StepMIL is rude and/or aggressive to me on a too-regular basis. She & my FIL live ~3 hours away, so we probably only see them 4-6 times a year, and I should stress that it isn't every time that something happens & I come home feeling horrible.

She's made it very clear that I'm far from the favourite DIL - I'm never included in the girlie family circle whether it's spa days (no thx!) or the little cocktail club they had going on on Christmas Day (ohhh - I like cocktails too...)

I (only) work 4 days a week due to chronic health problems - she's aggressively 'shamed' me in front of the family for talking to DH about our shared plan to get a cleaner (because if I'm P/T for any reason that's obviously something I should be doing.

She's screamed at me in front of a room full of 12 people during board games until I left in tears, because she was upset at me getting an answer her team hasn't. She came upstairs, smacked my backside and told me to "get back downstairs and stop ruining the fun for everybody". She then told me that "not everybody's as clever as you, so why don't you just shut up".

She also makes unpleasant comments about my eating - something I struggle with, especially when others are feeding you and Expectations - DH and I were going off to a restaurant and I joked to him that their "Meals for Little People" (obv kids' menu!) was especially for me (I'm 5' 2" and he calls me Little One)
I know this is getting pretty War & Peace. Don't want to drop feed. Gist is, I've told DH that either (1) he can stand up for me when she says these sort of things (I'm not supposed to kick off, cos family drama) or (2) I will come along for birthdays, xmases etc but don't expect me to go for a 'just because' lunch or weekend. He doesn't feel comfortable promising to stand up for me (but would be pretty upset if I gave her a true piece of my mind).

TL;DR: am I being a bitch to think I shouldn't have to do more than the basic dutiful visits if no one's going to tell SMIL where to go?

@Tentacles I wish I knew. There is an über Head Matriarch dynamic going on and tbh I'm a bit scared of her, and the wider fallout if I told her to GFH. (Actually this is fairly very identifiable and I'm kinda petrified that someone will tell her what I've posted! Only comfort is you all seem to agree my only craziness is not standing up for myself more)

Eh you are being bullied.

Ask you dh to have a quiet word with his dad. It may be everyone is embarrassed by step MIL behaviour.

If things dont change, you should ask her in front of everyone why she has such a problem with you, and when she protests that she doesn't (and she will) then tell her under no circumstances will you tolerate her talking to you like a child anymore and that if she lays one finger on you again you will have no qualms in calling the police and having her charged with assault.

Or start your own cocktail club, leave her out and see how she likes that

"He doesn't feel comfortable promising to stand up for me (but would be pretty upset if I gave her a true piece of my mind)."
If he's too much of a woose to do anything - why would he be upset at you standing up for yourself? How in fuck's name did he communicate he would be upset to you?

It's pretty clear she does all this on front of other people. You say you get on with them. How do they react to her tantrums and bullying? Do they say anything?

The reason it's so difficult to manage her is that she will escalate far beyond a point where you are comfortable. effectively, she will out-shout you, and then claim that you were bullying/abusing her. I sometimes think the only way to deal with people like her is either avoid like the plague, or get yourself to the point of righteous anger and just flip out as spectacularly as you can. In essence, out-tantrum her.

Sympathy for the OP, but hesitate to totally blame ops husband, it's a stepmother, not his mum, it is different.
as a stepchild I had issues with how I was treated growing up (not serious but not great either) and then watched my mum do similar things around her stepchildren despite us saying 'trust us, it's not good for either of you' and now there are similar things happening to the step son in laws and daughter in laws on both sides.

If my mum or dad did anything as described to my wife then I'd be straight down their throats about it. But not so sure on stepparents, you've got the next layer of how it impacts on your parent if you do take a step. My stepdad does things that annoy me, but he's not important enough to me to be able to upset me, he's just my mums partner, so I let it go rather than cause a row that might continues between them later.

That's a lot rambly, but I think my point is it's easier to stand up to your parents in that situation than a stepparent.

Are you from a divorce family OP?

My wife isn't and it took time for me to get her to understand that the two people that matter are my mum and dad, if either stepparent can't stand us then so be it

So what if one of her flying monkeys tells her about this post?

Next time she starts screaming at you in front of people say 'Aw, I think she's tired - is it time for her nap?' like she's a toddler.

Is there usually alcohol involved on her mis behaviour?

Does your dh know the full extend of it? Is he aware she smacked you and was he there when she shouted at you? You do not even have to go for duty visits, I certainly wouldn't.

I think you need to react every time if you want to go again. If she says something nasty you need to say "That's a bit nasty". Do not leave the room mid-altercation, it gives her the chance to follow you, be secretly horrible and then go back to join the others, eye-rolling and re-writing what just happened.

I'm kinda petrified that someone will tell her what I've posted

In case she beats you on the bottom again?

She is a mentalist. She need to wind her neck in. I am astounded nobody in the family does anything about her.

Hi Usually - no, only child of still-married parents so many aspects of larger families I don't really get firsthand!

SMIL has been in the picture for 15-20 years and married to FIL for 7-8 (ish?) so whilst she didn't raise my (late 30s) DH in any real sense, he v much considers her Family with that capital F. His mum also had a partner when I first met her, but there wasn't that patriarchal role IYKWIM also he was a total dick - so I get the difference, at least theoretically. In this family, though, she might as well be another mum. She has her own kids, it's a 'blended family' setup - we even gave her flowers along with our mums and nans at our wedding, if that gives you an impression.

Yanbu. You gave every right to never spend any time with this toxic woman again.

@reni You're kind of spot on there. He was there for the shouting - I went upstairs, his dad said something to her, she followed me up and we both came down and got on with it. DH had no idea she hadn't just been up to make nice and apologise until the next day. We left 2 days early, because he we were both so pissed off. Never raised with her though.

Why didn't you phone the Police when she assaulted you? Let me guess this would have "upset" your DH...

Of course you are being bullied and of course it's unnaceptable but she won't change. People like her do what they like because no-one stops them and are enabling it. It's your DH I would have issues with, regardless of how much he doesn't want to upset her it's ok for her to upset his wife? I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought that.

So everyone who is party to these family gatherings are quite happy to enable this behaviour including your husband. They sit and watch you being shouted at, belittled and reduced to tears....WTF!

I wouldn't go AT ALL....I would also get your DH to speak to his dad and explain why, 'dad, but one won't be visiting again? Ever?' 'Why is that son?', 'we are no longer going to tolerate MIL behaviour towards my wife, quite frankly I am disgusted that it has been allowed to continue for so long'.

Your self worth is worth more than this.

You and your dh need to grow a pair.
It appears the others in the family dynamic enable her.
They all left you out of the cocktail thing.
They let her away with the comment at the quiz thing.
Bad things happen because good people do nothing.
Is there any one of them who would stick up for you?
Your fil is a to let her away with it too.
If nobody supports you just stay away.
Avoid the b.
Life's too short to put up with the likes of your step mil.
Is your mil alive? If so do you get on with her ( too well) ?

MIL is very much alive - she drives me potty at times, as all good MILs should, but my god, I feel welcome and part of the family when we're with her.

Are we married one mill?! Not far off my situation!

I do get what your saying though, doesn't help but I consider my stepmum Family (married to dad longer than mum was). It works for me to 'rise above' some of the conflicts, but the conflict we have is nothing like you describe, more passive aggressive and snooty looks!

Bit busy at work at the moment but I'll try and reread and have a think later as I'm convinced I've got a book on managing step relationships in me!

I'm in a similar position only its my SIL and she doesn't smack me on the bum. She does do the ignoring, snide comments, huffing etc if I do something she doesn't like - such as getting my children inside for an hour on the hottest day of the year at lunchtime. She is very controlling and I see it in lots of her behaviour but I think she is worse with me - one of her friends even commented on it. The last time she tried to tell me what to do with one of my children. DH was there but it was me that she focused on, I politely deflected it a couple of times but when she kept pushing I said, "My child, my choice". It wasn't rude but she walked off and couldn't bring herself to say goodbye when we left.

She was a bitch over our wedding and the birth of our first child so it's not a one off. DH hasn't stuck up for me so I've said that either he does or I see her for the absolute minimum and I've scaled it back a lot already. We haven't had another incident since so I'll see what happens. It was good standing up to her though.

I tell her the absolute minimum - so no instances of berating me for my choices. Apparently I should make my DH get a cleaner. She always has to stick her oar in.

Your dh is uncomfortable about standing up for his wife when his step mother abuses her?? Wtf? Stand up for yourself against this pathetic abusive woman and don't put up with it. If your dh gets upset about that then you should think about leaving him.

OP there was a great thread here the other day when the OP read out a nasty text message her SIL had sent her in front of the whole family, instead of doing nothing and enabling this woman's awful behaviour.

Step Mil, no children, you live far away.
This would be so much more complicated if you lived nearer or were reliant on her but I would, and did, just say 'Don't ever expect me to be in the same room as that woman'
20 years on I've seen her once at a christening. I was civil

I don't know if you need to flip out and swear at her. But you need to be stronger and I think you know this already. And I agree you should seriously cut back visits.

But I will say this, if anyone ever touched me, smacked me I would be very quickly warning them that any further contact will result in a call to the police and an assault charge.

Crystal, can you please link to that thread (reading out the text)?

OP, I am very concerned that your husband doesn't defend you when you are being bullied at his family's home. It's outrageous, particularly given the fact he's happy to stand up to your family if he has a problem with them.

These members of the cocktail club - are they her daughters or the wives of her sons, rather than step family?

Imperial I will face a look!

have even