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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about wanting to do things with the DCs without DP in the holidays...is DP being a baby?

67 replies

unlucky83 · 17/03/2015 11:10

The DCs (14 and 8) would love to visit a special attraction in the UK. But we live miles away, we would have to stay overnight in a hotel and the train fare alone (with a railcard) would be around £200. Entry to the attraction about £100. It is going to cost the best part of £400 for 2 adults and 2 DCs. A lot - we can afford it - but it seems too extravagant.
DP can't take holiday during the school holidays so would only be off for 2 days (in the week) at the most.
But if only one adult went with them (and DP has no interest in visiting the attraction) it would be £100+ cheaper -still a lot ... but as a special treat....
then maybe seeing as a big part of the expense is the travel, we could maybe think about staying an extra night and having a day trip to London (where DP and I used to live). I thought we could go in the week in the Easter half term.
Also it looks like (as usual) DCs and I will be going to visit my parents anyway - so we will be closer and the travel should be less from there (if we drive to my parents we could maybe drive to the attraction from there - would still need an overnight stay but it would be a good opportunity...)
DP is furious - he wants to go, feels excluded etc. How dare I even think of taking them somewhere like that without him!
I suggested he take the DCs just for 2 days on his own so with travel time just to the attraction really and I'll stay home. That isn't good enough -the DCs might be upset about me missing out (I do have more interest in the attraction than DP -but could take or leave it)

I have to say this is a bit final straw ish He usually works at the weekend and have already realised it limits what I do with the DCs because if we go anywhere a bit different and have a good time he gets stroppy. He finishes work at about 1pm - so to do anything special we are supposed to wait until he comes home - but you can't have a day trip somewhere a distance away starting at 1pm! I do sympathise - but still think he is being a bit of a baby about it...
(And we didn't have a holiday at all last summer because he couldn't get time off - wasn't even happy when I suggested a caravan somewhere not far away so he could join us on his days off...)

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 17/03/2015 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocktailQueen · 17/03/2015 11:12

So you and the dc have to lose out because of his work? What sort of a job does he have where he can't get time off for a summer holiday/during the school holidays? If that is the case then you're never going to have a family holiday. I'd do what you are suggesting, but I can imagine my dh being upset about it too. The kids deserve a break!

honeyroar · 17/03/2015 11:14

It does seem a bit mean doing a special overnight trip without him, I would want my OH to share personally.

NeedABumChange · 17/03/2015 11:15

I would be upset too being stuck at work whilst my family are off on a lovely family outing without me. I don't think he is being unreasonable to be upset.

Quitelikely · 17/03/2015 11:19

If you can afford it and he wants to come whats the issue?

'The issue' IMO is that for one reason or another you are deliberately trying to cause a problem (and I mean that nicely) possible resentment at last years caravan saga?

MissBattleaxe · 17/03/2015 11:22

He is working long hours for all of you as a family, not because he doesn't like joining in. If it upsets him, include him.

redskybynight · 17/03/2015 11:27

I'd be upset about missing what is a special family trip as well.
If DP can take the DC for 2 days, then why on earth would you not go too?

Can DP not take holiday during school holidays EVER?

Original poster

unlucky83 · 17/03/2015 11:34

Apparently he can get a week off in the summer hols if no one else is off at the same time - so he needs to books it well in advance - and if it suits the company. (His boss told him to just take the DCs out of school!!!!)
Anyway this year he has managed to get the first week of the summer hols - booked last August! But they can only get a week running Mon to Mon...maybe with 2 days off either side. I promised the DCs a good holiday this year - abroad (DD2 desperate to go on an airplane!) but now struggling to find something as a lot seem to fly out from our nearest airport on a Tue or Thur...so that would need to be two weeks holiday which he can't have...ahhhh.
I appreciate he is working to 'provide for us' - (I have to say I have my own money and this would come out of that... ) and I do sympathise...but I would let them go with him and not mind ...it is him that has the problem.
My problem is that £400 for basically a day trip is a heck of a lot. I'm really struggling to pay that - but if you made it a bit more than just a day trip etc ...seems less ...if that makes sense. And if he traveled back early he couldn't use the railcard discount and it would cost even more...

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 17/03/2015 11:35

I think it's two different issues

I think generally YANBU, it's very unfair that none of you can have a holiday or a day trip because DH is working. My DH has to work every Saturday, he would never dream of telling me and DS not to do things because he can't be there.

On the specific trip however I think perhaps YABU. If you are only wanting him to stay home to save £100, which you can afford and he is willing to spend, then that's a bit mean. If you finally do have a chance to go away for 2 days all together, why wouldn't you?

I suspect you are tired of arranging your excursions around his work though, and wanting to do it the nicer way by going to your parents and everything. What is his work, why can't he get time off ever?

OddFodd · 17/03/2015 11:46

Why can't you do both? Go visit your parents and both of you go to HP when your DH is on leave?

For the sake of £100 it seems crazy to have this huge row.

But yes, on the whole, your DH needs to let you do something fun without him sometimes given he's never able to take holiday when the rest of the family can.

In the summer, could he join you for part of the holiday?

Original poster

unlucky83 · 17/03/2015 12:31

dreaming I agree - I think part of it is because I'm pissed off about the 'can't do that without me' attitude he has in general and how his boss works around people's time off in general...
He's a chef and thinks his head chef is wonderful - but I think he is a bit crap (I've been one -and so has DP but smaller kitchens). Unless they ask for specific days off in advance they get told when they are off for the week on Sun...so they find out they are off Mon, Tue the day before. And if they put in too many requests it is frowned upon.
Last year -after being refused holiday - the head chef then did DP a 'favour' as a surprise told him the day before he could take the next week off (one he had tried to book a month before!) ... as if we could book/arrange anything then (I'd booked one DC into a an activity thing that week as well) !!! DPs attitude is well he has to do what's best for the business...yep but also he shouldn't treat his staff so badly!!! And this is an easy job for DP (supposedly) - he had his own restaurant and sold up to spend more time with his family - Ha! He doesn't actually desperately need to work - more he got really bored etc and we couldn't really afford to 'retire' but if we were frugal we could survive for 10+ yrs not earning.
Yep - simmering resentment there!
I do take the DCs to visit my parents in the holidays - DP stays at home and he hasn't complained before - enjoys the peace and quiet.
Going via my parents for the 2 days with DP doesn't make sense. Firstly DP doesn't like staying there! And attraction is 450+ miles away from home. My parents live 300 miles away and the attraction is 200 miles away from them...so going via my parents is longer unless you were actually planning on going there anyway for a visit...
I'm naturally careful with money ...£400 for a day trip ...really don't think I can justify it to myself .

OP posts:

mariamin · 17/03/2015 12:37

My father had a job where it was very difficult to get time off during school holidays. He did get some time off, so we did spend some family holidays together - including a few where we were taken out of school. But my mother also took us away lots of trips herself. Nothing big, camping, days out, visits to family. I am sure my father missed us all, but my mother didn't want us to miss out.

dreamingbohemian · 17/03/2015 12:44

Oh god, I get it. DH and I both worked in restaurants pre-DC, they're a nightmare for having a life. DH actually quit working as a chef after we had DC because he knew it would get really annoying.

I take back that YABU because if your DH doesn't even have to be working it's even more ridiculous that he pitches a fit when you try to do things without him. If it bothers him that much he should be looking for a job with weekends off or more flexible scheduling. He could do catering, he could get a corporate chef job, or work someplace in the business district, etc and so on. He could do another kind of food job (this is what my DH did).

By insisting on working a job that is not family friendly, he is telling you what's important to him. And that's fine but then you should do what's important to you, and if he can't get on board, screw it.

I agree that 400 for a day trip is a lot if you are trying to stretch out funds. I would still go ahead and just do it for your kids though.

Schnullerbacke · 17/03/2015 12:50

My DH can be a bit of an arse at times but he would never begrudge the children of having a good time without him. He joins in when he can and if he can't he is happy for us to go alone. In the same breath, we also give him the freedom to do his hobby so especially at those times he is happy for me to take the kids.

There are certain things the kids and I really love doing and he is not so we save those for when he is not around and the other stuff we all do together. Seems to work out fine. I can see why he may feel left out but for everyone not to have a good time is daft. I soon will go back to work too and have to accept that DH will have to go somewhere with the kids but without me. I would feel sad too but them having fun would be more important to me.

pinkdelight · 17/03/2015 13:11

If you can afford it, I'd do the £400 overnighter all together. It does sound a lot, but tbh a one-night stay at Legoland (with two days in the park) is £500+, that's just the price of a special attraction like that for a family of four. Alton Towers and Chessington are a bit less but still over £400. If it'll be a great memory for all of you and you won't be too strapped, I'd go for it. Esp as it sounds like holidays are hard to come by with his annoying work situation.

Jengnr · 17/03/2015 13:37

So he doesn't want to go but he doesn't want you going without him? Fuck that noise!!

Ditto all the other trips he keeps putting the kibosh on, especially since if he organised himself better and booked time off sooner he could have it.

Nanny0gg · 17/03/2015 13:46

Why can't you book a two-week holiday and he comes for the week/few days he can get travel sorted?

crappyday · 17/03/2015 13:57

YANBU. My DH has to work at weekends, and. CAnt often get time off in school holidays. So we do stuff without him.
Including going abroad on holiday with grandparents.

That's just life.

ADishBestEatenCold · 17/03/2015 14:10

Is it the Harry Potter tour, Op?

If so, I don't really understand how one less adult will save much. If your DP goes then you will buy a famly ticket (about 15 pounds more than 1 adult and 2 children) and there seems to be a lot of hotels where a family room has a maximum occupancy of four, you save nothing by under occupying. That leaves the train. A family rail card, obviously, along with advanced tickets and trawling for offers or vouchers, but if that is still too expensive then have you considered a coach?

Having said all that, it doesn't really sound to me as if it's the difference in cost of 4 of you going, as opposed to 3, that is the problem.
It sounds to me as if you just don't want him to go. As if the original idea has spirraled and that you have realised that you can turn a one night/two day trip into a proper short holiday (adding in London and a visit to your family) if it is just you and your children.

I think you might well be being a bit unreasonable.

Purplehonesty · 17/03/2015 14:19

My dh never gets time off during the school holidays either. Drives me potty.
But he would be waving us off saying have a good time! He wouldn't want us to miss out because he had to work.

Artandco · 17/03/2015 14:19

Sounds fine to me, we often take turns as then we can use time off efficiently as if dh takes 3 days and I take 2 after that's 5 full days we don't have to get additional childcare rather than 2-3 if we went together.

Dh flew with both ds's to his parents in Athens in the feb half term as I had too much on work wise. Like wise I will travel alone with them one week over easter holidays. The following week we will all be going away for 3 days together. It all evens out in the end

Ragwort · 17/03/2015 14:21

I can't entirely follow your argument but if he is fussing that he can't get the time off but doesn't want you and the children to go somewhere without him then yes, he is being a big baby.

I've never got the point that everyone needs to drift around as one big group, but then I love my own company and would probably be much happier to be the one left at home.

DH and I frequently take separate holidays so that one of us can take the children away - makes the school holidays a lot easier.

Original poster

unlucky83 · 17/03/2015 15:06

Yep that's it adish and it is the train that is so expensive - £200ish -and that's with the rail card I already have!
DP hasn't read the books or seen the films..has zero interest so he won't get half of it anyway...and from what I've read about it it only lasts for 3 hrs anyway... I thought we could go early on the day, so do the tour in the afternoon then overnight in the hotel -next day go into London ...see things like Platform 9 3/4 -maybe one of the walking/bus tours of locations and have a look around the centre. Then back to hotel and next day we could go to mine and DPs old stomping ground (in Zone 2) have a nose around and catch the train back in the afternoon...

And adding a few days on or going via my parents -just makes the outlay seem a bit more worthwhile ...
I thought about the coach but it take over 12 hrs - (the train is over 7hrs)...and coach is only £30 cheaper...

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 17/03/2015 15:17

The price difference is no big deal. You all can make the trip together and continue on to see your family and he can head home on the second night.

It might not be his cup of tea but he's going to enjoy spending time with the family. That might outweigh the boring sets and the tour.

dreamingbohemian · 17/03/2015 15:22

With those details, I can totally see why you would extend the trip to do a bit more and make the outlay worthwhile. It would be especially nice to do the HP stuff in London. I think if your DH was also interested in HP it would be a shame to leave him out but if he's never even read the books or seen the movies he'll probably be bored so what's the point?

I think you should go with your plan but see if he can get off any days around then so you can all spend some time together too.

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