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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people shouldn't say 'get well soon' to a terminally ill person?

79 replies

Libitina · 16/03/2015 22:59

An aquaintance of mine is imminently going to die from breast cancer. To be fair, she has beat it on more than one occasion previously, but this time she hasn't. She has basically been sent home to die.

I find it tasteless and unfeeling that people who know her diagnosis are still posting stuff like 'get well soon', 'here's to a speedy recovery' and 'you can beat this' to her on facebook . Not this time.

I know I'm not family, but if I was I think it would annoy and really upset me. She would love to get better, but she only has a few days, maybe weeks, at the most. It's so sad.

Basically, I think I'm trying to say, please think before posting on facebook.

OP posts:
Original poster
Libitina · 16/03/2015 22:59

Oh and check your breasts.

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 16/03/2015 23:01

Bloody hell really? That's awful. I have a relative who is just fighting for time with her DCs people ask how she is today because that's all you can ask :(

QueenBean · 16/03/2015 23:02

Yeah that would really annoy / upset me. Worst thing is when someone says that something will happen, and someone tries to be upbeat in saying "oh, maybe not..." As then person A has to explain exactly why that shit thing is, actually, definitely going to happen

However, most people are just trying to be nice, and sensitive as you may be at the time, I think id rather have people saying something, anything, than keeping away and being silent for fear of saying the wrong thing

OddBodkins · 16/03/2015 23:03

So sorry to hear this, how sad. I agree with you that those comments are inappropriate. The thing is I think a lot of people don't know what to say to someone in that situation. When my friend was given a terminal diagnosis lots of people at the school where we work ignored her almost completely because they didn't know what to say.

HeartShapedBox · 16/03/2015 23:04

Yanbu if they know her conditions terminal this time.

Insensitive and crass, they're probably unthinking however, rather than intentionally awful.

slicedfinger · 16/03/2015 23:05

When my DM was dying I really appreciated those messages as meaning "we hope you feel better soon, than you do", even though it could not be better in absolute terms. We actually found the love behind it touching.

Original poster
Libitina · 16/03/2015 23:06

No one is being maudlin and I suppose we are all ignoring the elephant in the room as it were, but most people are sticking to 'thinking of you' or 'sending love' etc... type of posts rather than just saying nothing.

OP posts:
whoopsbunny · 16/03/2015 23:11

Yanbu. People did this to my dh when his mother was dying of breast cancer. He just said to them 'She won't, but thanks'. He was quite impatient about the platitudes.

whoopsbunny · 16/03/2015 23:14

Sorry, 'she won't, but thanks' in reply to 'hope she gets better soon' type stuff.

IamtheZombie · 16/03/2015 23:18

As someone with extremely aggressive Stage 4 (incurable) breast cancer, Zombie finds this a bit tricky. Yes, it is insensitive so to that extent YANBU. However she has also learned that some (most) people don't want to accept that a miracle won't occur. They want to think that each new treatment will be the one. She does hope that when the day comes that there is no other treatment to try they will finally accept this.

kilmuir · 16/03/2015 23:20

I doubt they mean to offend or cause upset. People often feel awkward and inadequate. saying get well soon probably spuings to mind without much thought

mariamin · 16/03/2015 23:25

I have a friend with terminal cancer. Yes it is wrong for people to talk about miracle cures and getting better. But she is young and I think many friend and family members find it hard to accept that she is going relatively soon.

ZenNudist · 16/03/2015 23:27

God zombie that's awful. I knew you were ill (you have notoriety on here) but still I feel for you in that position. I hope you can get as much out of life as possible still. In spite of what you say I guess everyone is wishing and hoping that a miracle can happen when a friend or loved one is in your unenviable situation.

OP I was going to type 'what kind of insensitive fuckwit says get well soon to a terminal patient?' But I see zombie's reply and an reminded how badly some people behave in the face of death. There's lots of people who almost ignore the very ill.

I feel for your friend. Xxx

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 16/03/2015 23:27

My dad is terminally ill and I have had so much of this recently. People wishing him well, telling me they hope we get some good news soon. Drives me potty! There will be no good news. Sadly the most we can hope for is a quick and painless death and, in his words, that he doesn't linger (in a vegetative state).

Zombie - Flowers

Ludoole · 16/03/2015 23:29

My fiance is terminally ill and he has people telling him that if he stays positive he"ll beat it Hmm

SallyMcgally · 16/03/2015 23:32

Thanks ludoole and zombie

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 16/03/2015 23:32

I'm glad you started this thread as i wouldn't know what to say to a person who is terminally ill.

Drania · 16/03/2015 23:52

I understand where you're coming from - we had people wishing DM well by telling her she'll get better up to a few hours before she died. She was comatose for a few days before she died. I found it sincerely ridiculous. For her condition, there was no treatment and a DNR so was slightly different. However, I can also understand people wanting to say something, anything to convey their good wishes, but not understanding the "right" thing to say.

Zombie, mariamin, Ludoole, Libitina - Flowers Cake

Notrevealingmyidentity · 16/03/2015 23:59

Zombie I'm sorry I knew you were ill but not so poorly.

I had a terminally ill relative and in all honesty up until a week before we sort if still hoped he'd feel a bit better even if just for a while type thing. But to phrase it like that...is very insensitive OP. I'd probably be a bit tart by saying thanks but they won't as well. Flowers all round.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 16/03/2015 23:59

but not that you were so poorly zombie* sorry can't type.

MrsTedCrilly · 17/03/2015 00:31

My dad recently died of lung cancer and he received a card from his work chums who knew the situation.. One message was "chin up" and another "stay positive!" It fet really insensitive. Sad

MrsTedCrilly · 17/03/2015 00:32

felt*

whatisforteamum · 17/03/2015 01:02

My parents have had get well soon cards for their cancer diagnosis and tbh for a while they were ok but when they were both diagnosed with incurable advanced cancer i settled for a plain card with a message about being there for them both.Does seem weird to send get well ones (didnt you realise they will die from this) or even have people ignore them which is worse.
I think people mean well so just say get well soon :(

TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 17/03/2015 01:51

I lost a friend to breast cancer two years ago, and another friend has bowel, liver and spine cancer.

I would not have thought to say any such a thing to either of them.

YANBU.

Bad things happen to good people, but the inevitability of death is the final taboo.

Shineyshoes10 · 17/03/2015 02:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.