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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that people shouldn't say 'get well soon' to a terminally ill person?

79 replies

Libitina · 16/03/2015 22:59

An aquaintance of mine is imminently going to die from breast cancer. To be fair, she has beat it on more than one occasion previously, but this time she hasn't. She has basically been sent home to die.

I find it tasteless and unfeeling that people who know her diagnosis are still posting stuff like 'get well soon', 'here's to a speedy recovery' and 'you can beat this' to her on facebook . Not this time.

I know I'm not family, but if I was I think it would annoy and really upset me. She would love to get better, but she only has a few days, maybe weeks, at the most. It's so sad.

Basically, I think I'm trying to say, please think before posting on facebook.

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 17/03/2015 02:24

Oh shiney. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you xxxx Thanks

DrLego · 17/03/2015 02:35

yanbu
epic thoughtlessness serving only to ease their own existentialist disquiet, or an attempt at kindness splashing forth from a very shallow dribble of a pool of experience or concept.
there's the shallow ones and there can be ones that say nothing - saying nothing can be very powerful if they are willing to listen, to show something in some way, or to simply say I don't know how to respond to that, I don't know what I can say. platitudes of cotton candy brains are upsetting.

dougierose · 17/03/2015 02:42

I'd only been married a year when my dad was given 3 months to live with terminal breast cancer. Every sodding week MIL said "I hope he gets better soon." Finally I snapped and said "No, it's not good news. He isn't going to get better." There was a pause, then she said "Well, I hope he gets better soon.'

Some people are too thoughtless to realise what they're doing. God, I wanted to slap her.

dougierose · 17/03/2015 02:44

LUNG cancer!!! Its late.. .

dougierose · 17/03/2015 02:46

Shiney (((hug)))))

elliejjtiny · 17/03/2015 02:53

YANBU. I know it's a different situation but DS4 was diagnosed with a very obvious cleft lip at my 20 week anomaly scan. Even when we showed them the 4d scan photos people were saying that it might be a mistake, drs are wrong all the time, think positively etc. Some people don't seem to have their brains connected to their mouths.

Flowers for shiney, I'm so sorry about your DD1

Shineyshoes10 · 17/03/2015 03:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dougierose · 17/03/2015 03:06

Xxxxxxxx

QOD · 17/03/2015 03:39

So sorry shiney Flowers truly

ArcheryAnnie · 17/03/2015 04:22

Shiney Thanks I'm so sorry to hear this. And nights can be particularly hard. Thanks

I've found a surprising number of adults who have never dealt with death at all, and who struggle with knowing what to do when they do finally come across it in their family/friends circle. I think that's where (some) of the "here's hoping they get well soon" stuff comes from, sheer inexperience. And even with experience, it is easy to say the wrong thing with the best of intentions. We can't control what other people say, but think that when we are on the "clumsily offering best wishes" end of the conversation, if we find we have got it wrong, the best we can do is to remember it's not about us and try and judge it better next time, rather than run away from people dealing with trauma altogether.

BullshitS70 · 17/03/2015 04:54

Shiney I'm so sad to read what's happening to your DD 1. that's just tragic xxxx

nemo81 · 17/03/2015 05:20

Yanbu. How horrible.

When i brought my terminally ill baby home to die i had one person that i used to dread visiting because he would say things to my baby about when he has grown up he'll be a strapping lad. I wanted to shout he is fucking DYING. He won't be growing up!! But i bit my toungue.Confused

BringMeTea · 17/03/2015 05:31

Flowers and heartfelt sympathy to everyone affected on this thread.

echt · 17/03/2015 06:39

My fiance is terminally ill and he has people telling him that if he stays positive he"ll beat it

Ludoole I think you're officially allowed to stamp on the toes of such thoughtless Polyannas.

Thanks for you and Shiney

CallMeMaybe · 17/03/2015 06:49

I know someone with terminal brain cancer, every time she posts a status message to fb people reply along the lines of "I know you will beat this. Stay strong for your babies xxxxx." I do get that to a degree in some people's minds where there is life there is hope, but she is going to die. To suggest she should stay strong for her children is insensitive in the extreme, as if her children wouldn't be the thing she wants to live for in the first place.

CallMeMaybe · 17/03/2015 06:54

having said that though I think that sometimes if someone is still relatively healthy despite having been given a terminal diagnosis, people find it difficult to reconcile that the person in front of them is actually going to die.

Person mentioned above is currently doing well, is back at work, and is responding to chemo. But once the chemo stops she has been given a very bleek outlook... So it's definitely a matter of when rather than if. But I suppose if you're faced with someone who doesn't look that ill at the moment then the idea they are going to die isn't an easy one to contemplate.

A family member was diagnosed with lung cancer after a routine operation, so there were no symptoms yet he was told it was terminal and he had six months to live. He did respond well to treatment and lived for two years, but in the beginning people genuinely wondered whether there had been a mistake as he had no symptoms at all and wouldn't even have known he was ill if he hadn't had to go in for routine surgery. But when he did die his decline was unfortunately very rapid.

Booboostoo · 17/03/2015 06:57

I don't know quite how to phrase this to make absolutely certain it is not insensitive and doesn't upset anyone so please assume that I have no intention to upset anyone but my question to all of you who find yourselves in such horribly sad circumstances is what is the right thing to say?

I have been in the position of the well wishes and I have always wanted to say something, staring at someone I silence as they tell you very sad news does not seem appropriate either, but something realistic like "I hope you have a quick and painless death" sounds horrifically crass and insensitive to me.

Also sometimes one is not sure how much the family have realised and accepted about the reality of the terminal diagnosis. My friend has breast cancer that metastasised within months to her lungs and then liver, but all her family were talking about treatments and cures. Clearly it was not my place to point out that sadly she was dying.

Flowers to everyone on this thread who is suffering.

Booboostoo · 17/03/2015 06:58

'Well wishes' should have been 'well wisher' sorry

Theas18 · 17/03/2015 07:02

I so totally get this. Much hugs to the op and others in similar situations.

I think maybe it's a reflex to resort to platitudes when you don't know what to say. If you never known anyone dying even silence and a hand hold / hug which is probably what you are struggling to find to communicate with is hardest.

GrannyGoggles · 17/03/2015 07:25

Booboostoo
In such circumstances I say that I'm very sorry to hear that, that it is very difficult for the person (not me), then try to come up with a short answer, practical question about which hospital, or consultant, what procedures etc. I might then go on to a more open question about feelings/emotions if it seems appropriate. Then go on to offer practical or emotional support, again if appropriate, and I know that I can and will follow through. The support is not necessarily for the person who is ill, for example an offer to drive an elderly neighbour to visit his wife, pick children up from school, make supper. It's important to acknowledge that it's tough for THEM and try to keep one's own feelings out of it.

Like many PPs I loathe the platitudes, someone in a hospice, having palliative care, ain't suddenly going to 'get better', but do accept that it's difficult to get the response right.

Kate Gross in her book Late Fragments is brilliant on this.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/03/2015 08:46

Other people have written about this much better, but I hate the language of "fight" and "battle" and "beating" disease - as if when you die you just hadn't tried hard enough, or something. It completely ignores what disease is, and is pretty insensitive.

Booboostoo · 17/03/2015 09:09

Hank you Granny very helpful. The last thing I would want would be to make the situation about me.

Sallystyle · 17/03/2015 09:23

Thanks to so many of you. So many sad stories and my heart goes out to all of you.

When my children's father was dying they were told by a relative that their dad would not die, he would beat it. He was given two weeks to two months to live. That pissed me off to no end as my eldest was already refusing to believe he would die and he hung on to her words. Of course he wasn't going to beat it, it had spread to every single body organ at an alarming rate. He died two weeks and one day later.

People don't always know what the right thing to say is, but just saying i'm sorry, i'm here if you need anything is all anyone wants to hear I think.

hackmum · 17/03/2015 09:35

It's really sad to read some of the posts on here. Sympathy and hugs to all of you.

I agree with the OP. We had this when my mum was dying. She even had cards wishing that she'd get well soon. I don't know whether people are genuinely incapable of grasping the reality of the situation (i.e. that someone is not getting better) or that they think it's better for the ill person if they pretend that they think they will get better - which is extraordinarily patronising.

Babyroobs · 17/03/2015 09:52

I work in a place where lots of people diefrom terminal illnesses. it never ceases to amaze me the number of cards that patients receive saying ' Get well soon etc, even when they are in the last few days of their lives.