aibu regarding icebreakers

[ovaryhill]

When you've to stand up and tell a bunch of strangers all about yourself and your background, oh and and tell a funny fact about yourself on a training course
Would I be unreasonable to say 'it's none of your bloody business, '?

I had to do one once where we all stood in a circle and massaged the shoulders of the person in front. The man behind me was very good at it but I think I hurt the person in front of me!

What was the reaction when you refused country mummy? I think intrusive is the perfect way to describe them

I recently went to a course where the icebreaker was to draw something (which is excruciating for me as I can't draw) but to draw it ON TOP OF MY HEAD (on paper). Can you imagine? I drew a running track and actually a few people recognised it. Someone drew a recognisable whale - maybe she cheated and did it before she put the paper on her head.

I think there is a sort of insidious undertone of the corporate world demanding your whole person. it is always styled as permission to be your whole person, as if everyone is happiest expressing themselves, on total show. But it's not permission, it's a demand to give out bits of yourself you aren't being paid for, and that can be used against you. And anyway, not everyone is at their happiest being transparent, out there, "understood". Some people prefer privacy. And is that a problem if they are good at their job? Yes. And that;s unfair

I have a carefully crafted work persona that is required because my real self is actually shit. I struggled to hold a job down in my 20s and early 30s, despite being quite clever and talented, because I don't have the right sort of personality for work. I've worked hard at crafting a fake self that works - which paradoxically means that relative to some I don't mind this sort of thing as I am always consciously making up ways to present myself - but I do resent the "relax and be yourself" message because it is a lie, and it is a lie that could damage you if you fell for it. And also, frankly, I'm not paid to be myself at them. I'm paid to do my job.

Omg holepunch, I would have point blank refused to do that!

I don't do icebreakers that put people in an individual spotlight unless I know the participants very well, or anything that people might find uncomfortable on a physical level.
If someone flatly refused to participate I wouldn't try to make them but I'd mention it in the facilitator evaluation.
The worst one I remember as a participant was sitting in a circle passing a toy elephant round and each of us having to tell Nelly how we were feeling. That was excruciating.

That's interesting parkingpearlclutching. I've worked with several people in the past who obviously have a completely false persona for work. It sounds very stressful to me, to be putting on an act all day everyday and for the people I know, it hasn't ended well. Not relevant to this thread, but don't you find it exhausting?

That VAK stuff isn't real.

As a trainer what would you do if someone refused? Would you keep at them to do it or move swiftly on

Move on. Every single time. The trainer is only delivering the course for the benefit of the trainees - it is about them, not the trainer.

I was once facilitating at a conference. The session after lunch is always dreaded, and the organisers had lined up this woman speaker who got this great intro, all about how dynamic and innovative she was, so people were looking forward to her session, which was all about handling change.

It was the biggest disaster ever, as her ice breaker was to tell everyone to stand up, and basically move seats. Now, people had coats, jackets, briefcases, laptops, conference papers etc. And they refused to move. They told her they saw the point about how even a small move could be inconvenient, but that actually moving was just going to be a waste of time.

She should have accepted it and moved on. But she stuck to her guns and the delegates stuck to theirs. And it was basically 100 to 1. She lost all credibility at that point and the rest of her session was a disaster.

I think there is a sort of insidious undertone of the corporate world demanding your whole person

Really agree with this. They want you to be your job. Any personal life you may have must

1. not disturb your working life.
2. be shared with the team no matter how personal.
3. mirror your working life to prove just how outstanding you truly are at your job.

Sorry I went a bit off topic - I hate icebreakers too.

If you feel it's intrusive then just make it up and give nothing about yourself away. I sympathise. These events are the devil's own.

I hate ice breakers, passionately.

The worse one involved passing a balloon down a line without using hands.

Not so much an icebreaker but one of the worst things I ever did was in the US. We had to take our shoes off for a roleplay. I felt really quite uncomfortable. Not sure why. Anyway, we got them back but then had to do the same role-play without the shoes again. This time I said I wasn't taking them off. The trainers were most aggressive and told me to take them off or else. I was scared of losing my job if I didn't, so I complied, but they were really nasty.

holepunch - yes it is exhausting, but I don't think it is obvious! I work from home one day a week and this saves me. I get stressed being around people in general, I was bullied as a child, and I have a very dominant sibling close to me in age and I think I have a lot of anxiety about being around people, I am used to relationships always being on someone else's terms and there being potential humiliation involved.

The work me is very like the real me in all the respects that are any good (intelligence, sense of humour, integrity and ethics) but I pretend to be very stable and calm when I am not. Inside I am a very emotional and anxious person and this means I always used to struggle to fit in. Actually I even used to struggle to show up on time reliably. I used to get over invested in things, over emotional about other people jeopardising the project, take it personally when someone else took credit for my work, and then just get so exhausted I couldn't show up, feel defeatist and desperate, and phone in sick. It is clear to me why employers didn't like having me around and this is why I pretend to be someone else. It works! but I work one day a week from home and that helps enormously.

I don't feel I am doing anything bad by not showing my feelings, I think I am just trying my hardest to be a better person but I can't change myself so I just change my behaviour. I know that it is needed, I know I am not acceptable as I am, so I find it annoying when it is suggested that success is predicated on some kind of whole person honesty. No, if you are a bit shit to start with, you will eventually be sacked. I learnt this the hard way. A lot.

I just don't think icebreakers involving physical contact are at all appropriate. Quite apart from invading physical boundaries as someone upthread said they're often culturally unacceptable.

I hate it when you have to " pair up with someone you don't normally work with" reminds me of being picked last for netball team...Aaagh!

Another icebreaker that went wrong. This one by an outside company brought in cos the in house trainers weren't good enough for some reason.

Their gimmick was stress balls, with their company logo on them. Money well spent and all that. So, they asked a question and the person who called out the right answer got tossed a stressball. Fair enough, except one of the participants was partially sighted and the ball hit him full in the face. It was one of those awful situations where you know what us going to happen only you can't do a thing to stop it.

I think I should write a book, "when training courses go bad". Worst ones being where a trainers relies on IT, eg for PowerPoint and the tech gives wrong and they can't deliver the material without the IT. Tie curling lay awful for them.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged Mon 16-Mar-15 18:32:58
Surely you can just say "I have a red toothbrush" or something equally mundane and get on with it?

Hi, I'm RedToothBrush and er... I don't have a red toothbrush.

Sorry saw this thread and post and could not resist the urge to do this!

I'm dreading this more and more now!

Couldn't agree more with the demanding the whole person thing.
I am very happy to give work part of me. The part they need for doing my job. Nothing more.

I can't understand why it still goes on if almost everyone thinks it's awful, surely they're not blind to the fact

KatieKaye, I would love to read that book! Any more snippets for this thread? ...please?

Another thing which I didn't like was where we had to pair up with strangers, learn something about them, and then introduce them to the group. Not just a bit of fun though - including the sentence about "what they want to gain from today".

In my industry, people are generally notoriously shockingly bad listeners. I spend my life in external meetings cringeing while I listen to people spouting off about things that they have got all of, a bit wrong. (It's my job to subtly intervene and correct things without showing anyone up. This is basically why I am brought to meetings, people have admitted it). So in this case I had to sit there grinning while listening to someone doing the "here is parkingpearl" bit to the room, getting it pretty much entirely wrong, rather than me doing it for myself, and no opportunity to break in without looking like a fun-hating arse.

Another thing which I didn't like was where we had to pair up with strangers, learn something about them, and then introduce them to the group. Not just a bit of fun though - including the sentence about "what they want to gain from today".

Ive had to do that before. next time I have to do that, I will make it all up about the person and see if they say anything haha

Oh god, I hate ice breakers. I freeze.

MrsTerryPratchett are particular groups of people more obstructive than others, do you find? Any particular sector? I went out so sorry I buggered off. The worst two recently were; a total skeptic (I don't see the point of communication skills, I don't want to blow smoke up people's arses). She chose to be there (entirely voluntary and self-selecting) and I think she had a personality disorder. I had a good time with her, actually, because I quite like people who push back a little but another trainer would have been . She was also very rude to a very lovely speaker. Think an actual hero-type. Very embarrassing.

One which I think is very hard is when you mix two groups. We had two youth groups, one from a mixed community centre and one from a community centre for youth from a certain racial/ethic group. That was a challenge because they were very wary of each other and very worried. My fabulous colleague got them chatting and warm. It took a good few hours though.

It does sound like I'm pushing people but as I say we try to make the icebreakers short, relevant, easy and definitely NO TOUCHING. What is wrong with some trainers?

One (like Katie's group) we use is for people to 'interview' the person sitting next to them about housing (we teach tenancy stuff) then they introduce the person they spoke to. If someone doesn't want to talk in the class, I read out what the person has written about their partner. Or, I interview and introduce them. Generally people don't ask to avoid the small chat, only the big group. Normally people are far happier introducing the other person than talking about themselves. The 'interview' period also gives me a chance to see if anyone is really shy so I can suggest alternatives. It also breaks the ice on a smaller scale. I NEVER ask what people want to gain from the day. Nasty question; loaded and irritating.

Another one is to ask people what animal they are in conflict (I also teach communication skills). This works well as we work a lot in First Nations communities where people may have spirit animals and this would be culturally appropriate in most cases. We also might have an elder speak or do a prayer to open, which again is something normative in this culture. The elder might have people stand up etc. but it is normally quite comfortable for the group (not me though, I'm an atheist!).

This thread is great for me, just so everyone knows. I'm doing a really big, important Train the Trainer next week. I will be having a discussion about icebreakers and see what people think.