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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get cold feet about moving in

66 replies

wonderingwhatthefeck · 16/03/2015 13:15

Been together with DP for 3 years. We are expecting a baby in July. My house is too small and myself and DS (aged 12 and not DP's son) are supposed to be moving in within next month or so. DS likes DP. However, DP is quite an intolerant person and DS clearly gets on his nerves sometimes. DS is a bit of an airhead - bit clumsy, forgetful, bit childish for his age.... an airhead for want of better way of describing it. He is undergoing assessment for ADD or to see if has medical problem. He has an awful lot of behaviour problems at school - lack concentration, lack focus, distracting behaviour, fiddling, chair rocking, shouting out answers and so on.... he stops when told, but soon starts again. Despite this is in top percentage academically... so baffles everyone really. What I'm say is - he's different!!

I am one of these people who unfortunately is very sensitive too, and really pick up on others emotions, and when DP getting irritated with DS I get irritated... and then go on at DS. He has enough people going on at him at school and I try to make home life more balanced for him......

Told DP my concerns (again) and he said its not just about DS you know.... and got really annoyed with me, so i put the phone down as did not want to listen to him ranting at me on a day which i am feeling really low about it all

Just don't know whether to move in or not. Worried about further lowering DS self esteem

HELP!

OP posts:
MildDrPepperAddiction · 16/03/2015 13:20

Why are you having a child with and moving in with a man who is so intolerant of your son?

Tapwater · 16/03/2015 13:21

Dear god, Wondering, of course you shouldn't move in with this man. It's difficult to know how you let it get to this stage with someone you acknowledge is 'intolerant' and who isn't prepared to deal kindly and well with your vulnerable and possibly not NT son! You've already got an unhealthy relationship dynamic, in which when your 'D'P gets irritated with your son, you don't deal with it by taking it up with your DP, but by getting irritated with your son as well! That's awful. He's only 12, and needs to be your priority.

And, while I realise there's no point in saying this now, I really don't understand why you decided to have a baby with someone in these circumstances, when you haven't lived together, from what I understand in your OP???

MrsFlannel · 16/03/2015 13:22

Your concerns are very valid. I would wait...you need to talk through your worries about your partners treatment of your DS before you can commit to living with this man. He needs to show he has changed before you will live with him in my opinion.

shakemysilliesout · 16/03/2015 13:25

Ok- my 2 cents.

If you don move in lions share of childcare etc goes on you. Also it's
Not great for the new baby to not live with dad who you are in a relationship with. This is confusing perhaps.

Ds- living with someone who doesn't really want to live with him? Pretty tough.

Does ds stay at his dads to get a break from dp?

I personally think you should not move in. That's what my gut says.

dreamingbohemian · 16/03/2015 13:25

I think moving in would be disastrous for your son. Your instinct to give him a nice calm home is a good one, it doesn't sound like he will have that anymore. Or that you will either!

I know it's a very tough decision but I think basically you would be sacrificing your older son for the sake of a new family. Your son is about to be a teenager, these years will not be the easiest.

It's good you're trying to raise this issue with your DP, I would say not to move in unless the two of you can really resolve this. When you say he's intolerant, what does this mean in practice?

Original poster
wonderingwhatthefeck · 16/03/2015 14:08

His intolerance shows by his body language and he gets generally irritable. He doesn't say anything to DS (as this has caused arguments between us before) - so he is obviously holding it in and it feels like steam coming out his ears. Like I say, I am particulalrly sensitive to others feelings and I try to ignore that he is being intolerant but can't and get really stressed. DS, as explained, tends to live in his planet and seems to have no idea that he is irritating DP.

I have tried talking to DP about need to balance negatives and positives ie. rarely says anything positive to DS. I have asked if he could build a better relationship with him but it hasn't happened. This is why we never lived with each other before.

Yes we have a baby on the way and its not ideal situation wise. But, I beleived I could never have anymore children and we have used no contraception for 3 years.... so I couldn't have been more shocked. However, I am absolutely and utterly delighted by our little miracle as I wanted another one for many, many years but just had accepted it would never happen.

So the moving in together is only coming about because of baby. I had post natal depression last time and am scared of it returning. I have to have c-section for medical reasons and am concerned about being on my own with newborn after surgery at my ripe old age!

I keep thinking we shouldn't go, but DS is really looking forward to moving, and if we don't I think DP may possibly end relationship as he has wanted to live together for some time now

OP posts:
Schnullerbacke · 16/03/2015 14:23

I agree with the others and also think you need to listen to your instincts. I would wait and see how things develop.

At least now you are settled, you have your own home, your son is going to a (I presume) close-by school. If you were to move one of three things will happen:

  1. your partner changes and is more sensitive towards your son's needs. Doubt it thought because why is this not already happening. Mix a new baby in the situation and very different dynamics

  2. things are going bad and you will stay for a long time because you feel stuck with now 2 children

  3. you feel you need to leave but start all over again ie new flat / school

I appreciate that the current set-up is not ideal and there is not enough space but for now the baby doesn't need a lot of space.

If your DP finishes the relationship because you are not moving in, despite you have voiced your concerns, then its not much of a loss, is it. It would be so unfair on your son. Even if he is in dreamland, you will know that he is not treated right and resentment will soon fester.

Oh, and what about the extra pressure a new baby will bring. Will your DP not be more impatients with your son due to sleep loss etc?

I feel for you, its a very tricky situation. But as MN keeps saying, your instinct is telling you something for a reason.

maras2 · 16/03/2015 14:24

All the more reason not to move in.He sounds very controlling.Best wishes for your baby to be.

OTheHugeManatee · 16/03/2015 15:54

Don't move in with him. Seriously. Don't do it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/03/2015 16:02

Told DP my concerns (again) and he said its not just about DS you know.... and got really annoyed with me

He has not even had you all living under the same roof yet and he is already impatient with DS, it doesn't look promising does it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/03/2015 16:05

And whereas DS is excited about moving, can you bear to see his face if DP stops for one moment holding in his frustration and lets it show by more vocal means than body language?

Tapwater · 16/03/2015 16:11

You can't move in with an impatient, intolerant man who has shown repeatedly that your vulnerable 12 year old annoys him, simply because you're worried about being post-CS with a newborn and you fear this man may finish the relationship if you don't comply.

Can't he see that it is his own behaviour that is preventing you all living together?

Tapwater · 16/03/2015 16:14

Sorry, that sounded unsympathetic, which I didn't mean. Can you have a friend or relative to come and help after your CS? I had an ELCS three years ago and could have managed solo if I had to. And if your son us looking forward to the move, it sounds as if it's only because he doesn't realise how much your DP dislikes him...?

nequidnimis · 16/03/2015 16:44

I know I'm going against the flow but I'm not sure that this warrants cancelling the move.

I doubt there's a mother on here whose DH or DP doesn't sometimes appear intolerant of the children, and most of those mother's will have moments of intolerance too.

You say that your DS is unaware, so your DP seems to be doing a decent job of not letting it show and it isn't impacting your DS in any way (since he is excited about the move).

Having said that if there are other issues that are all contributing towards giving you cold feet that you may well need to reconsider.

Tapwater · 16/03/2015 16:57

From what the OP says, this isn't an occasional moment of impatience, it's pretty much constant, and she's disablingly aware of it, has asked the DP to try to build a better relationship with her son - to no avail - and it's the reason they haven't lived together before. Now they are moving in together purely because of an unplanned pregnancy. The DP's behaviour hasnt changed, and there's no indication it will. It's a recipe for unhappiness.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 17:02

'I have tried talking to DP about need to balance negatives and positives ie. rarely says anything positive to DS. I have asked if he could build a better relationship with him but it hasn't happened. This is why we never lived with each other before.'

And this is precisely why you should not move in. Just don't do this to your son. He deserves so much more.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/03/2015 17:06

It's a domino effect nequidnimis

when DP getting irritated with DS I get irritated... and then go on at DS.

Plus I don't know if the DP has experience of early days parenting, but think the baby's arrival in July will bring more pressure to bear so it seems risky to move in when the DS probably isn't even aware half the time of what he's doing to vex the DP.

Original poster
wonderingwhatthefeck · 16/03/2015 18:46

Right now I don't want to move, but I think it is also normal to get cold feet. However, if we didn't move I know DS would be so upset. It is only down the road from us so no school or other major change.

DP has adult children whom he has good relationship with. However, they would equally call him intolerant! Though one chose to live with him rather than their mum

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 18:53

'However, if we didn't move I know DS would be so upset.'

He will get over it a lot faster than if you do move in with this guy and it will become impossible for him to hide how he feels.

A man whose own children call him intolerant isn't someone I would want anywhere near my son.

Dragonfly71 · 16/03/2015 19:06

Where do you get the idea that his intolerance is somehow your fault as you are "sensitive"?
I feel uneasy about how you describe his reactions to your son. Most women in unhappy relationships wish they had listened to their gut feelings sooner.

Original poster
wonderingwhatthefeck · 16/03/2015 19:12

I guess he tells me that he isn't saying anything to him, he says he wouldn't dare as I am too over-protective, and therefore I shouldn't be annoyed if he is getting annoyed with him. But I hate the atmosphere, then I am on edge, then I get a short fuse with it and I feel guilty. And, well, yes I am protective of him - he is 12 years old, his dad is a cunt who has nothing to do with him, he has a difficult time at school... yet despite this he is on the whole a happy, if over exuberant, young lad and I love him to bits!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2015 19:16

'he says he wouldn't dare as I am too over-protective, and therefore I shouldn't be annoyed if he is getting annoyed with him.'

This is a huge red flag. Can you not see this? He makes his annoyance all your fault.

It's not.

And you're right, your son is a vulnerable 12-year-old.

You just tell him, 'No, son, it wasn't the right time for us to move in. I have a lot on my mind with the baby coming and I'm going to need your help.'

If you have had PND, it's definitely not the time to move in with someone who sounds as controlling as he does.

peppapigonaloop · 16/03/2015 19:23

Don't move in!! Think about the amount of stress a new baby, sleepless nights etc puts on a relationship, then times that by 100 when the male partner is massively intolerant..
It is not fair on your son to put him in that position as the adult you should protect him..

the argument that your son will be upset is irrelevant, you know better in This situation and should be making the desicion based on your knowledge rather than the emotions of a 12 year old..

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/03/2015 19:25

Don't move in with this man , he finds your boy irritating and is a twat judging by your posts.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 16/03/2015 19:37

Oh dear God, I can't believe your even contemplating moving in. Put your son before your relationship!