To get cold feet about moving in

[wonderingwhatthefeck]

Been together with DP for 3 years. We are expecting a baby in July. My house is too small and myself and DS (aged 12 and not DP's son) are supposed to be moving in within next month or so. DS likes DP. However, DP is quite an intolerant person and DS clearly gets on his nerves sometimes. DS is a bit of an airhead - bit clumsy, forgetful, bit childish for his age.... an airhead for want of better way of describing it. He is undergoing assessment for ADD or to see if has medical problem. He has an awful lot of behaviour problems at school - lack concentration, lack focus, distracting behaviour, fiddling, chair rocking, shouting out answers and so on.... he stops when told, but soon starts again. Despite this is in top percentage academically... so baffles everyone really. What I'm say is - he's different!!

I am one of these people who unfortunately is very sensitive too, and really pick up on others emotions, and when DP getting irritated with DS I get irritated... and then go on at DS. He has enough people going on at him at school and I try to make home life more balanced for him......

Told DP my concerns (again) and he said its not just about DS you know.... and got really annoyed with me, so i put the phone down as did not want to listen to him ranting at me on a day which i am feeling really low about it all

Just don't know whether to move in or not. Worried about further lowering DS self esteem

HELP!

Oh god. This isn't even a dilemma! Of COURSE you shouldn't move in with him! For god's sake, what are you thinking of?

I do put my son before my relationship, as DP constantly reminds me!!! See the MN nasty bunch are crawling out of the woodwork now

No one's being nasty, OP. People are genuinely concerned that you are even contemplating moving in with a man you describe as intolerant of your son's quirks to the point where you're constantly on edge! You've said that the reason you haven't lived together before now is because of his intolerance if your DS, but only the unexpected pregnancy has changed. He hasn't done as you asked, he hasn't built a relationship with your don, he vocally resents your prioritising of him and criticises your parenting - people are aghast that, despite being concerned enough to post here, you are dismissing these very serious issues as normal 'cold feet'. What does it matter if your son, who seems not to realise the extent to which your DP is irritated by him, is temporarily disappointed by not moving, if it means he's not living under the roof of someone whose only response to him is irritation?

'I do put my son before my relationship, as DP constantly reminds me!!!'

I would expect anyone who had kids to always put them first.

An example - DS insists on sitting on the floor to watch tv in the evening... no idea why, he loves it! Anyway, he likes to sometimes roll around on the carpet as he is doing it, just kind of ninja rolls... I never really noticed it - doesn't bother me but I know irritates DP when he is here so I tell him to stop. He stops, but forgets and 5 mins later doing again, cue DP getting more annoyed and me telling him off again.

I just walked into lounge tonight and he was rolling around watching Top Gear. I said 'stop doing that'... then I thought, actually why? Why should i stop him. He is not doing any harm, its on a nice clean carpet, there is plenty of room to do it.... and I realised was only out of habit as DP doesn't like it. However, I did tell him off for tossing remote in the air... cause that could end in damage!!!

oh i don't fucking know

OP sorry if you felt that was harsh, my intention was not to be nasty, but I just don't understand how you think moving in is a good idea.

If your DP is irritated by your son now when you don't live together this is only going to be aggravated when you don't have your own homes to retreat to and that is without the pressure and stress of a new baby. I just think you are setting your self up for a really hard time.

No, just no. Don't move in with him. You'd be moving into HIS territory, where he'll expect 'his rules' to take precedence. Things that are an 'annoyance' now will become 'intolerable' to your DP. Right now if DS rolls on the floor (for example) and it irritates DP, he can either go home if he's at yours, or you and DS can leave for your house if you're at his. What will happen when neither of you has a place to go for 'peace and quiet'.

It doesn't sound to me as if your DP is very flexible or tolerant. And it sounds as if you AND your DS need people around with an abundance of those qualities.

I'd wait until baby is born. Newborns don't need room, other than for a cot and some clothing. Give yourself (and DP) time to adjust to being new parents, living separately. If things go smoothly, including his behaviour to DS, then consider getting a NEW place together, rather than moving into his. It's easier to mesh families when one person isn't moving into the other's home, where they already have pre-set routines and may feel a bit 'mine-ish' rather than 'ours' about the home.

I don't think it would be wise to move in with this man before you are married. If the relationship ends you will be homeless. Just stay where you are for the time being.

He's already conditioning you to follow his rules and your instinct knows it's not right..

Think carefully about this.

DontWorry I'm just sensitive at mo and some comments felt harsh.

He will be so angry if we don't move now, he has had a load of work done to the house... well not specifically for us as it needed doing anyway. Having said that when I mentioned my concerns again to him today his first reaction was a very stroppy 'well you don't have to move in here'. We both own our homes (was going to rent mine out) so I would still have security here. Also means we cannot get a house togehter without selling both which is clearly not a good idea!

Funny that people have picked up on him being controlling without me saying anythin.. cause he is controlling... though of course he denies it despite even his kids teasing him that he is. Though I really am not one to be controlled as he well knows!

Please what are his good points? Everything you have told us so far is negative and very worrying...

Gosh OP if he has trouble tolerating a clumsy (and totally charming by the sounds of it) 12 year old, god only knows how he'll cope with a baby/toddler...

DS was there first. You knew that. DP knew that. He isn't being very fair DP is he?

Or responsible. Or mature. Or a figure to look up to?

Have PMed you.

Just in your last post: stroppy, angry, controlling. Words used in other posts; annoyed, intolerant, irritable. I haven't seen you mention any 'redeeming' characteristics. I understand that's not the point of your post, but does he have any?

You've also used 'over-protective', stressed, sensitive to describe yourself. You also stated that the baby is the only reason you'd be moving in with him.

I think you know the answer, love.

Despite all the good advice you have had here it sounds like you are going to go through with it to keep him happy.

Well I hope his happiness is worth the price your poor DS will have to pay in the long run.

I'll ignore the judgey posts that are assuming I have made certain decisions...

Good points: very funny, makes DS and I laugh a lot, is kind, looks after us financially, has a good sensible head on his shoulders, earns a lot of money [flame me], has a very big dick.....

Well, as long as he has money and a big dick, it doesn't matter if he's intolerant of and controlling to your son... It's always important to do what's best for YOU.

Wondering - you say you are not easily controlled but look closely and you will realise that already you are. You are modify your son's behaviour to not anger / frustrate your DP. You are picking up on an atmosphere and are acting accordingly. So yes, you are being controlled (and I know what you are talking about because its the same for me).

We gain nothing from telling you not to move in. But people are worried. Perhaps it doesn't always come across that way and perhaps some posts feel judgy but I think most people think you would be making a mistake and just want to prevent you from doing that. Saying that, sometimes you can't hinder people doing what they feel they have to do. So if you do move in, at least be so sensible and have an escape plan ready in case you need it. Good luck whatever decision you make.

Judging what what you saying i wouldn't. You dont even sound like you want to as you have come on mn to ask strangers. He does sound controlling. Whatever you decide good luck with the new baby x

As a mother of a child who is different please don't move in with him! If he's controlling he will wear you down, even if you are the strongest person ever, he will wear you down eventually. It'll become easier to try and modify your sons behaviour than your adult partners so you will. He doesn't need to be modified (son) he is who he is and deserves the right to be who he is in his own home. So fucking what if he will be cross if you back out of the house move now, honestly, so what? Let him be cross, while you carry on putting your son first.

I have pretty much decided we will not move. So now I get to upset everyone by breaking the news. I was awake half the night worrying and am thinking I will tell DS it is just not the right time, I have some quite serious complications with this pregnancy which he knows so it really is not the best plan to be packing up a house, moving and letting tenants into a home I love. He was looking forward to getting a big bedroom so I have been trying to think what I can do with his to make it seem bigger ie. take out the fitted wardrobes which are very big. To be honest, when I first said we may move he said no cause he loves the way his bedroom is set up right now. Then I will say I realise he will be disappointed but it is for the best and here's £50 to get a new game. Yeah I know seems like bribery but he would be so happy to get some money and it will soften the blow for both of us.

As for DP, well he is currently not speaking to me. I think I will just leave it there for now as really don't feel like dealing with it. Sadly I think he will take it very, very badly and may decide that the relationship is clearly going nowhere if we can't live together (have heard this before) and that will leave me as a single parent with newborn for the second time. Hereby starts the financial worries and how will I get a mortgage for 3 bed... Such fun!

But Wondering - just because you don't move in now doesn't mean you never have to move in. The problem is that you DP really wants you to move in and is desperate to move this relationship along, yet when you clearly state what your problem is with moving in, he doesn't listen!
He could have already acknowledged your concerns, he could have said: yes I struggle with your son and my patience is a problem but I will try. But he hasn't, has he? So its not you putting a stop to this, is it. He should also appreciate that having lived on your own for so long, it would be difficult for you to give up the independence and he could have been more understanding to that...

Your son will be fine! Bribing sounds like a good idea and maybe he has other suggestions on how to make his bedroom even more fun, without costing a bomb. It will also be a good lesson for him that sometimes you have to listen to yourself, especially when the time is not right.

Mortgage and finding a new house doesn't have to be done immediately. The baby will be fine with the space you have for at least a year!

Well done, Wondering. I think that's 100% the right decision now. As Schnuller said, it doesn't mean you need never live with your partner, but he will need to demonstrate longterm serious commitment to genuine change before you should reconsider. Might couples counselling help?

You've already got two good plans to help smooth things over for DS, which is great. Is your 'D'P not talking to you now because you've already told him you're not moving in with him? It sounds as if that's not the case, and he's sulking about something else entirely? Look, even if your 12 year old didn't exist, is that the loving, considerate behaviour of a good man who loves you and to whom you should commit? You genuinely sound half-afraid of him.

He isn't talking to me cause he kept asking me what was wrong yesterday, I didn't want to rock the boat but eventually said I am really concerned about moving in as DS is clearly getting on your nerves.... he got really cross about it, said i was always thinking of DS and what about him, I never consider him etc etc. He was going into full rant mode so I hung up on him - there is no point even listening to him when he does this as he will not listen to any response, and I didn't want to be made to feel worse than already do