To get cold feet about moving in

[wonderingwhatthefeck]

Been together with DP for 3 years. We are expecting a baby in July. My house is too small and myself and DS (aged 12 and not DP's son) are supposed to be moving in within next month or so. DS likes DP. However, DP is quite an intolerant person and DS clearly gets on his nerves sometimes. DS is a bit of an airhead - bit clumsy, forgetful, bit childish for his age.... an airhead for want of better way of describing it. He is undergoing assessment for ADD or to see if has medical problem. He has an awful lot of behaviour problems at school - lack concentration, lack focus, distracting behaviour, fiddling, chair rocking, shouting out answers and so on.... he stops when told, but soon starts again. Despite this is in top percentage academically... so baffles everyone really. What I'm say is - he's different!!

I am one of these people who unfortunately is very sensitive too, and really pick up on others emotions, and when DP getting irritated with DS I get irritated... and then go on at DS. He has enough people going on at him at school and I try to make home life more balanced for him......

Told DP my concerns (again) and he said its not just about DS you know.... and got really annoyed with me, so i put the phone down as did not want to listen to him ranting at me on a day which i am feeling really low about it all

Just don't know whether to move in or not. Worried about further lowering DS self esteem

HELP!

Listen to yourself, Wondering - look at the language yiu use about you and him. He is always 'irritated', 'intolerant', 'cross' and 'ranting', and you are always 'trying not to rock the boat', 'on eggshells' and 'low'. You sound scared of him.

Imagine if you couldn't put the phone down on him ranting because you were living under the same roof. How would that be a good thing for your mental health, and the stress levels for your unborn baby too?

Keep posting here if you need support for your decision.

You 'always' think of your son and not him? Sounds lovely. Also a BIG hint that he'd expect you to come down on his side if there are any 'issues' with him and your son in the future.

You're making the right decision. So your house is small. So what? If it's peaceful (most of the time) and full of love (all of the time) you have what you need even if it's not everything you want. Many people have raised families successfully in 'cozy' homes.

As far as finances, you are having his child. That means child maintenance if he's 'well placed' and not willing to voluntarily meet his responsibilities. Could it be that part of his reason for you moving in is to avoid paying maintenance as he'd have to if his child was in another household?

Of course, not moving in now doesn't mean not moving in ever. If he cares at all for you, he should understand this. And accept it. After all, your happiness and the well being of his child should be his first consideration.

I would say that, if he is willing to wait until you feel it's right, the two of you should go to counseling. It's obvious that the dynamics of the relationship are off-kilter.

Please do the Freedom Programme. Or get hold of a copy of 'Why Does He Do That?' And 'Living With A Dominator'. This person has already worn you down to the point where you are walking round on eggshells, not wanting to 'rock the boat' or upset him. He should expect a person who has a young, vulnerable child with possible SN to put him first. He is grinding you down, over your son. All the money in the world isn't worth the damage this child will sustain in this man's home, which he cannot leave if you move him there. There is nothing to save here. He is not even considering you right now, that he is stressing you out.

RANT NEEDED! So, as you know DP not speaking to me, nor me to him as I just want peace. Normally any bust up we have he NEVER does the making up ie, making first contact and no matter how many times I promise myself I won't, I always sort it. But this time I thought fuck it, I really need space.

ARound a week ago I had arranged for a carpet fitter to go tonight to his to measure up and quote for fitting new carpets. About 5.15pm tonight I get voicemail from carpet fitter saying he has had an accident he can't make it. Super pissed off as I don't want to contact DP at all - but think bit unfair if he is waiting in all evening for this bloke. So I simply text to say carpet fitter had accident and can't make it tonight. I sign off with one kiss (normally 6 kisses on every text)..... yep may seem childish but I wanted to give clear message that all is not well in our relationship and I am not happy. His response "bet you must be pissed off you had to make contact ' - no kiss, no thanks, nothing. Wanker. I'm not responding.

Just needed a rant and can't tell anyone in RL

There you go, Wondering. You were being extremely (over-?) considerate to let him know the gutter had cancelled - frankly, I would have let him wait - and his response was aggressive, petty and unloving.

Or did you let him know about the fitter because you were afraid of the consequences if you didn't, and he got angry, as usual?

Can I ask why you can't talk about such huge issues with anyone in your real life? What about a family member or a close friend?

The sad part is that your ds has no refuge. Teased at school, intolerant step father, absent father, mother losing her fuse to please her partner.

I think you've had a lucky escape and you'll be better off with your children and not living with the manchild.

this is a very difficult time and big decisions have to be made

was it ever an option for your dp to move in with you ??

Oh, wondering, now you see his true colours. Get rid now. He's a mean, manipulative manchild.

And he will have to pay maintenance.

Wondering I think your eyes are being opened, that's a good thing! Now you need to take a deep breath and think about YOUR future plans and what YOU want. At this point I'd just untie his boat from your little pier and let him drift away. No need for explanations, no need for recriminations. I was in one of those "I always make the first move" relationships and when I finally said 'fuck it' and waited for him to call me, he didn't. Until he did; to bless me out for not calling HIM to apologize, as I always had before. It didn't seem to matter who was at fault, I was supposed to call and apologize, dammit!!! It showed me how off-center our relationship was and how it was all about me pleasing HIM, keeping HIM happy.

Hug your son, pat your 'bump', and breathe. What will be, will be.

wondering you choose to look at one thing I misinterpreted, all other 3 still stand.

Feminine did not deserve that hideous rebuke, OP. Out of order.

As soon as you start name calling and swearing you lose the moral high ground op.
Your dp sounds like a twat.
By he's got a big dick, so that's ok.

Really? Money and a big cock is what it takes to be able to destroy your kids self esteem?
Your priorities are on point

I think op had been asked about good points so gave a tongue in cheek answer re big dick... Also think she probably felt a bit attacked re comments about her son's welfare and reacted to this. The insults were wrong but I think she's trying to make a very difficult decision at a difficult time. She's listened to everyone's advice and isn't moving in with him so I think needs some support.
Hope it all works out OP