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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won't shut up about new boss

84 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 12:10

I'm being unreasonable- purely because if his new boss was a man I wouldn't think much of dp talking about him, although I'd probably be a tad confused as dp does not shut up about his new boss. Not his new job, not his new colleagues but his boss. It's probably because she's the person who calls the shots etc but he's never gone on about his old boss's to this extent. If there was something going on or he fancied her, he'd probably not mention her to me, right? So it shouldn't annoy me at all, but it does!
Totally irrational but now everytime he mentions her- which is a lot I feel a tad uncomfortable. Maybe he just looks up to her because she's the same age as him and has managed to work her way up the ladder very quickly.
Oh god, I'm pathetic but I do wish he'd talk about something else.
Would I be unreasonable to ask him why he doesn't shut up about her?

OP posts:

Thumbcat · 16/03/2015 12:17

I'd ask him straight out if he fancies her and I'd point out to him that he's always talking about her. I wouldn't like it one bit if she's the only colleague he goes on about.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 12:19

mentionitis?

Sleepybunny · 16/03/2015 12:20

Sorry you're feeling this way. Is there any more to this story? Do you have any reason to doubt him?
How long have you been together?

I'm only asking as I don't think I would notice DH doing this. He has had a female boss of a similar age and they used to go for coffee now and again. I talked about her a lot because he spent a lot of his day working with her. She has since left the company and they don't really keep in touch. Although he talks about other colleagues now.
We've been together for 12 years and he's never given me reason to worry.
So what I'm trying to say is doubts tend to come from a deeper problem in the relationship.

HolgerDanske · 16/03/2015 12:23

I second mentionitis.

May be nothing to worry about yet, just a crush or perhaps professional respect taken a little too far, but if he completely stops mentioning her for a good long while and then you find her name popping up all time time again, I'd start to listen to my senses.

I'd tell him to watch he doesn't get too infatuated, if it were my husband.

Also agree that often this sort of unease points to other issues in the relationship.

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 12:26

In what context does he go on about her?

She is so easy going, or so knowledgeable or what?

I think it depends on what he is actually going on about?

antumbra · 16/03/2015 12:42

Trust your instincs. He sounds infatuated.

BitchImMadonna · 16/03/2015 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 12:49

Of course there's history to this. As mentioned, it's not a normal thing for you to worry about, that's why I feel so silly worrying about it and even more silly admitting it. Before we had dd he was on dating websites, messaging other women, through out my pregnancy he treated me pretty appallingly. Now I look back, he acted like someone who in fact didn't want to be in the relationship he was in. I was so petrified about being a single mum, with nobody to turn to as my family tend to be pretty unsupportive and i stayed with him.
He hasn't done anything since dd was born, he never physically cheated but in every other way, he's cheated on me many times.
We get along well and to others we are a great couple but when things like this happen it makes me realise that my faith in him is minimal.
He just mentions her a lot, not neccesarily in a way that points towards fancying her but certainly a lot more than id expect.
"oh emma is coming down tomorrow" (not her real name)
"emma says i could go really far" "emma called me today" "I'm just meeting emma" i feel that her name is worn out, at the end of the day all he talks about is what she's said, what she's done, what they are going to do at work, what her job is.
like he's in awe of her, but I'm not sure if its because he thinks she's someone to look up to and respect for being a success of if he fancies her.

OP posts:

maras2 · 16/03/2015 12:50

Mentionitis.Deffo.Nip it in the bud.

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 12:55

So how did you resolve the issue of his previous misdemeanours? did he get counselling or was it just left?

I think this is a dangerous situation OP, and time to go in for the kill and say something in case it progresses.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 12:58

It was just left. He deleted Facebook (to prove to me he doesn't care about speaking to the various ex's, one night stands, girls he'd met out etc) and seemingly has been the ever doting partner since but I know he's sly and because he's been repeatedly caught out if he is unto no good would imagine he'd do a pretty good job of hiding it, which is kind of the opposite of what he's doing but I worry he's trying to normalise he's feelings for her by over talking about her.

OP posts:

Tapwater · 16/03/2015 13:01

Honestly, OP, this is nothing to do with the boss. This is a man who has proved, over and over, that you can't trust him, and that there are other ways of betraying your partner besides screwing someone else.

Do you want this relationship to continue? If so, you both need to deal with the lack of trust and his poor boundaries as a matter of urgency. Either way, tell him to belt up about the boss. No one has the faintest interest in other people's bosses. It's like other people's dreams.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 16/03/2015 13:04

Go with your instincts, he sounds like she's at the forefront of his mind.

I'd start keeping count out loud every time he says her name (after the first few times) so when he asks what you're counting you can say "oh, that's the 12th time you've mentioned Emma since you got home. I was just wondering if you'd hit 100 mentions tonight. Has someone got a bit of a crush?"

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 13:06

I caught on pretty quick it's nothing to do with his boss. It's our relationship but our issues are highlighted when things like this occur.
I want the relationship to work but don't see how it can when he can't mention his boss without me assuming he fancies her.
It's pathetic and i've never been like this before and i hate it.
I messaged him and he didn't reply for an hour- perfectly normal, he's working. But instead of just replying to my message her feels the need to say "sorry it took me a while to reply, i was stood with Emma when your text came through" enthralling, thank goodness he told me.

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 13:10

I would see the mention of her all the time as a bit of a cover up actually, like he is mentioning her so you aren't suspicious of her.

My ex was like that, cheating wanker. Always texting or calling girls.

I am 99.9% sure he shagged at least one of them, despite saying he didn't.

I repeat - my EX was like that.

Sleepybunny · 16/03/2015 13:15

You are not pathetic or silly OP. He has treated you terribly and you should not let him minimize it in any way.
I want to say leave, but that's very easy to say. It takes incredible strength to leave especially with children involved. Hope you can find a way through this OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2015 13:24

You don't trust him because he's not trustworthy. There's only one person who can work on that and it's not you. All you can do is have boundaries about what you will and won't put up with. He got a pass last time, didn't he?

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 13:25

If I was sensible I would have left him when this all started but I stupidly stuck about thinking it would just go away if he stopped. I don't see how I could leave him not knowing if he's done anything or is even pursuing her like that. But i'm worrying about it for gods sake, says it all really.

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 13:28

You don't need a new reason to leave him, the fact you don't trust him and it is making you worry is reason enough.

He caused that!

antumbra · 16/03/2015 13:30

OP this is no way to live your life. If it isn't the boss it will be someone else down the line. Do you really want the next 30 years of your life to be full of worry and suspicion?

I would rather be alone.

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 13:32

OP I left my ex with my two kids in tow.

There were other circumstances too, but just to let you know I did meet someone else, and we are very very happy together.

I never feel worried about what he is up to, I don't worry about him texting other women. Because I trust him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2015 13:36

How do you think it would go if you said, "I don't trust you after what happened. I think you need to work on that because it's not working for me now. You can start by trying to not be so obviously when you clearly fancy someone. Stop mentioning your boss."? He needs to do some work on himself if he wants to change. You don't just magically change because you get caught. Except to get sneakier.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 13:44

I think he'd deny it until he turned blue in the face and he would then know not to ever mention her to me and just go down that route.
I know I don't need an excuse :/ i just feel responsible in a funny way. Oh i just don't know

OP posts:

Number3cometome · 16/03/2015 13:46

I bet when you mention it he just doesn't talk about her - but it won't stop you from worrying.

The underlying issue needs to be resolved one way or another OP.

And that's the hard part.

Original poster

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 13:53

thats exactly what will happen. he'll know I'm sucspicious and that'll be it.

OP posts:

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