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Original poster

DP won't shut up about new boss

84 replies

Sugarfreeriot · 16/03/2015 12:10

I'm being unreasonable- purely because if his new boss was a man I wouldn't think much of dp talking about him, although I'd probably be a tad confused as dp does not shut up about his new boss. Not his new job, not his new colleagues but his boss. It's probably because she's the person who calls the shots etc but he's never gone on about his old boss's to this extent. If there was something going on or he fancied her, he'd probably not mention her to me, right? So it shouldn't annoy me at all, but it does!
Totally irrational but now everytime he mentions her- which is a lot I feel a tad uncomfortable. Maybe he just looks up to her because she's the same age as him and has managed to work her way up the ladder very quickly.
Oh god, I'm pathetic but I do wish he'd talk about something else.
Would I be unreasonable to ask him why he doesn't shut up about her?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 16/03/2015 22:55

Oh OP Sad

This is exactly what people mean when they say it's the betrayed partner who stays with the cheater who actually lives the life sentence and suffers the punishment.

You don't need to suffer this forever, it's not your time to serve.

textfan · 17/03/2015 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 07:36

And so he denied it, told me I was being "ridiculous". I have no way to show I'm not, told him it's how I feel and if he isn't at least attracted to her it says a lot about our relationship that I think he does, he then tells me it's not our relationship that makes me sad it's the other problems ie me not having a job and being bored of staying at home, that staying at home makes me lonely and I need a car so I can get out everyday easily?!?
He just won't admit we're fucked

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 07:38

Feel like my whole worlds come crashing down around me. He makes me feel like I'm insane and that I just need to "sort it".
Don't know how I'm going to manage today

OP posts:
antumbra · 17/03/2015 07:44

Get angry- this is such typical behaviour- your OH is tring to shift the blame to you. Dispicable.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 07:46

He is being totally unreasonable

you don't trust him because of his previous shady behaviour and now you need to sort it ?

who the fuck does he think he is ?

wobblebobblehat · 17/03/2015 08:09

He sounds very similar to my XP who thought I was insane and imagining things. It had nothing at all with my paranoia about his extra curricular activities... My relationship with DH is nothing like that so i'm not sure all the problems were caused by me!

Your instincts about him are very strong. Trust them. He may be a fantastic Father but he can still be that if you split. Being unable to trust someone and checking up on them is an awful way to live and will grind you down. I would seriously consider leaving him. I think the mentionitis is the tip of the iceberg really.

PintofCiderPlease · 17/03/2015 08:18

He just won't admit we're fucked

How would you know what he believes? As you said, he's an expert in lying and deceiving.

He probably KNOWS the relationship is fucked if you had even an ounce of proof of what he's been up to or what he's feeling. What he's doing is trying to persuade YOU that you're ok as a couple. Because he doesn't care what the true reality of the situation is.

He's a great dad. He probably enjoys being a great dad. And that's great! He can be a great dad with or without you.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 08:31

I've just managed to find a photo of his boss- yes this REALLY is pathetic that I'm even looking but she's not only very very pretty but looks much like all the other women my dp would message, chat up, have photos of. she his type through and through.
Fuck
This is so sad. So so pathetic. Why me :'(

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 17/03/2015 08:36

I think you need to pack his bags.
My ex did this too, I was always 'paranoid' etc etc but he was the one cheating with 5 separate women. You don't need solid evidence, the man is a dick

wobblebobblehat · 17/03/2015 08:37

Let him get on with it then. It doesn't have to be sad and pathetic. Get angry and get strong. You don't have to put up with this shit.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 08:45

He just keeps denying it- thus making it worse. I just want him to admit it, that he's attracted to her, at least then I know and I don't feel I'm throwing him out because he has a female boss!
He's not gone to work because I'm a state, he's just taken dd out to the park. I want to leave, but I don't know where to go or what to do. He won't be honest with me ever. The fact I thought he fancied her before hand, before I'd even seen a photo of the woman and it just so happens she just his type verifies it. He's works with plenty of other women and talks about them and his team and I never thought "oh well as there female you must fancy them" but for some reason I just got this feeling about the boss and now knowing what she looks like I don't see how this could just be a massive coincidence

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 17/03/2015 08:49

Stop driving yourself crazy. I mean that kindly but he is not going to suddenly spill his guts. And dont you leave, he leaves.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 08:52

Even if I pack his bags I'm not sure he will leave. I have tried before and he refused...

OP posts:
wobblebobblehat · 17/03/2015 08:54

He's not going to tell you why he keeps mentioning her. He might not even realise he's doing it but it's a rocky road. Read some of the other threads on the Relationship Forum and you'll see this over and over again. Also, posts along the lines of, "I just know he's up to something...". 9 out of 10 times it turns out to be true.

I think you would be best to get a grip of yourself today. Do whatever it takes; go for a walk, drink chamomile tea, listen to a meditation on You Tube, etc. Try and get him to go in to work so you have space to think and work out what YOU are going to do next.

"He won't be honest with me ever."

Not worth staying and fighting for by the sound of it.

rememberremember · 17/03/2015 08:55

With many apologies asI haven't read the whole thread, my exDP did this - we split up when I found out he was sleeping with her, and they were married within 6 months.
She didn't know he was with me.

Koalafications · 17/03/2015 08:56

There's normally a reason that you have 'that feeling'. Don't ignore it.

You know she is his type, he won't stop going on about her, it's pretty clear he fancies her isn't it?

Whether anything happens or not, you have to ask yourself does he want something to happen? If you think he does then whether he actually does something or not is irrelevant.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 09:12

Do I pack his bags whilst he's out? I don't want to upset dd...

OP posts:
wobblebobblehat · 17/03/2015 09:23

No, take a step back and breathe. Screaming like a banshee at him and chucking bin bags of his stuff out of windows isn't going to help anyone least of all you.

You need to make a plan first and get some advice. Work out where you stand legally and financially. You have control of the situation. No need to explain what you are doing until you have worked it out yourself.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 09:28

I don't know where to start...the mortgage, the bills etc. eughhh

OP posts:
wobblebobblehat · 17/03/2015 09:43

Just be kind to yourself.

Do something nice today just for yourself and make a start tomorrow. You eat an elephant one bite at a time.

HappenstanceMarmite · 17/03/2015 09:58

You need to make a plan first and get some advice. Work out where you stand legally and financially. You have control of the situation. No need to explain what you are doing until you have worked it out yourself.

^this. Get your ducks in a row. This is going to take you way out of your comfort zone OP, but you will never regret it.

Original poster
Sugarfreeriot · 17/03/2015 10:15

Do you need a solicitor when separating? I feel like it's the only way he'd take me seriously. We need to work out how we are going to manage the mortgage etc, I would have to work full time (which I could well do) to pay the mortgage but doubt I could afford childcare, mortgage and other bills. I do have money in a saving account that I put aside for our wedding (haha) that would get me by etc but that won't last forever.
He's gone out to get stuff to do baking with dd, why do I feel guilty when this is because of him?

OP posts:
wobblebobblehat · 17/03/2015 11:16

Ask MN to move this to the Relationship board. Lots of sensible ladies on there who have been/are going through similar who can advise.

You think you feel guilty because he is making this your problem not his. There is absolutely no point in getting him to explain. He already has form for cheating on you (even if it is just as innocent as chatting to other women online and nothing else). Now it appears that he has his sights set on his boss (even if he has done nothing). If he was truly loyal and committed you wouldn't need to check up on him and feel suspicious.

Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart. If you want further confirmation of that, read through some of the threads on the Relationships boards. Women who gave partners and husbands a second or third chance only to be let down repeatedly. Wasting years of their lives in the process...

honeyroar · 17/03/2015 12:14

Can you not go and stay with a friend or parent for a few days? It sounds as though all this is driving you crazy and you could do with stepping out of it for a day or two..

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